Maisie entered the room and gave Emily a wink. At last, he had written to her. Now, all she had to do was to find a reason for her Mama to leave the room. It seemed to be getting harder and harder to do so. Ever since the accident she had become so over protective, it was quite stifling at times. “Mama, shouldn’t you be rehearsing with Evan today?” she asked. Her curiosity wasn’t just in order to gain a few quiet moments alone, she was genuinely worried that Mama wasn’t practicing enough and that would cause her to have an accident too.
“Evan is working the horses. It will be fine. I have been doing the tricks my entire life.”
“But we both know how quickly we can get stiff; our muscles need to be supple. You cannot risk your wellbeing to be by my side every hour of the day. I am quite well enough to be left alone for more than a few minutes Mama.”
“I know, but I worry that you will be bored and I am your Mother. Worrying is what I am here for!”
“The time to worry is over. Everything is healing well. Even my foot is strong enough for me to begin to walk upon it according to the doctor. You have never been so concerned about our falls in the past,” Emily tried to reason. Mama chose to ignore the concern in her voice and immediately changed the subject.
“That quack! He wouldn’t know good health if he came face to face with it in broad daylight.” This too was something Mama did not usually do. She was usually kind and generous to others, and had previously respected the bright and capable Dr Bright. Emily was sure that Mama was hiding something, but what it was she had no clue.
“Mama, you have to stop being so overprotective or I will never be able to walk at all. Whatever is the matter? You have always extolled Dr Bright’s virtues, why is his judgment suddenly so circumspect?” Emily gazed earnestly at her Mama, but it seemed the older woman had no intentions of having her secrets drawn out in such a way..
“What are you up to?” she asked as her eyes narrowed suspiciously.
“Nothing! I’m just trying to understand why you are being so peculiar – and to please give me a few minutes alone! Truly, I do not need you to be by my side, holding my hand all the time. And, I do need to start walking. Maisie can help me and you can go and make sure that the new routine goes perfectly so that neither you nor Evan ends up where I am! You don’t have to tell me why you seem to think that only you know what is best for me, but you have to let me at least try and walk soon.” Mama sighed heavily, and kissed Emily’s cheek tenderly.
“I hate to leave you my darling, and if you insist on trying to walk I shall send Evan up. He is stronger than Maisie after all.” Emily could see just how hard she found it to say the words, though she was trying to look as if she didn’t have a care in the world. But, Mama could be like a locked vault. If she did not want you to know, that secret would go with her to the grave. Emily grabbed at the lifeline, and did not push to find out what was playing on her mother’s mind. If she wished to tell, maybe one day she might. But it was clear that she had no intention of doing so now.
“Then you would still be unable to practice!” Emily said as gaily as she could manage. “Mama, Maisie is more than strong enough to support my weight and you need to get out of this room. I need to too – so I know you need some air, to feel the sun on your skin.”
“Why don’t I get Evan to bring you downstairs? We can set you up in a chair near the practice ring and you can tell us where we are going wrong!” Mama cried suddenly, a tone of triumph in her voice that she would be able to get her own way and not let Emily out of her sight. Emily sighed.
“Mama,” she said with a warning tone to her voice. “I love you, and I know you are only being so protective because you love me so much, but I need some privacy – a bit of time to myself. Please, go and practice. Let me try my first steps up here with Maisie. Then, maybe when you take a rest Evan can bring me downstairs and I can tell you exactly where you are both getting it wrong?” She hoped that her Mama would accept the compromise. She needed to read the letter she knew Maisie had in her apron pocket. She wanted to take her first steps, but not with her Mama or Evan there. Both would be too worried if she stumbled, would bundle her back into bed before she could even try again. But she also longed to go outside, the weather had been glorious in recent days and she missed Claude too. She couldn’t remember having ever gone a day without seeing him, and it had been weeks now since she had scratched his funny head.
“You aren’t going to let me win are you?”
“No Mama. I think you have already kept me in bed longer than you ever would have stayed there yourself. I have to get my strength back.”
“I just don’t want you to get hurt again. You’re right though. I need to let you stumble a little and get yourself back up. Your compromise is accepted. I shall go and practice with your brother. You have two hours. Take your first steps with Maisie, but do not over tire yourself. Get some rest and then we shall see.”
“No Mama, Evan shall bring me down so I can see Claude and tell you both off!” Emily said with a smile at her Mama’s weak effort to try and go back on her own suggestion.
Maisie handed her the letter as soon as Mama had left the room. “I’ll leave you to read it alone. I have to finish making supper anyway. I’ll be back up in half an hour.”
“Thank you.” Emily whispered as she gazed at the gentle sloping script on the thick parchment envelope. Finally alone, for the first time since she had taken her fall, she breathed a sigh of relief. It was wonderful to have these few moments. Mama had insisted she have company at all times, so even when she and Evan had been performing Maisie or one of the roustabouts had been sent up to watch over her. It was lovely to have her room to herself, to be able to be happy or sad and not have to worry about how everybody would react to a change in expression, or even her breathing rate.
She opened the letter gingerly. She wasn’t sure that she was ready; her rash response to the advertisement had been fuelled by the recklessness that laudanum had brought. But, she couldn’t help but be excited that he had written back. It had been so long that she had almost begun to wonder if she truly had even done such a thing as to write to a complete stranger. But, here it was. His handwriting was simple, with few flourishes – except on his capitals. She decided she liked that, it was simple and straightforward – but just showy enough to let her know that this man was not dull.
Dear Miss Wilson
I hope you will not think me too presumptuous but I would very much like to invite you here to Montana. I have a farm and I am in the process of building a theatre, so cannot leave right now, and I couldn’t possibly leave my son, Christopher. I am sure you can understand this. Also, I hope that it may be the perfect place for you to recuperate from your accident. My cousin has recently married a young woman from Boston himself, and I know that Catherine would love to meet you and welcome you into her home. I have enclosed a return ticket, should you think it a good idea. I think that the best way to get to know anyone is to meet them, and that is obviously a little difficult for us as you are in Boston and I am here. But, it need not be an impediment for long. Please do let me know that you will consider my proposal at least?
My son, Christopher, is now five years old. Sadly we lost his Mama, my Martha, when she contracted tuberculosis some two years past now. I miss her every day. I know that I am not enough for my boy. He needs a woman’s hand, a woman’s love. He has the bonniest blonde curls. I don’t know where he gets them from, as both Martha and I have hair as straight as a poker. But he is friendly and charming. He can be a little boisterous, but I think that is something to be encouraged – as long as he remains polite and knows when to stop!
I am an ambitious man. I have a farm, though if my little gamble does well I hope to sell it and move into town. My wife and I built it together, and it seems very lonely without her now. It is hard to see her things lying around, the tools she used and the furniture we picked or made together. But I hope you will not think that I am some hopeless soul unable to move on as I am not. I loved my wife, and I will always have a piece of my heart devoted to her but I know that I am ready now to allow someone else into my life.
My gamble is taking up most of my savings, so I am afraid that I am not a wealthy man – though I do most fervently hope to be so one day. I am praying that my neighbors will long to see entertainments on a daily basis. I have always loved the theatre, plays and spectacles of all kinds. I remember attending a circus once, many years ago now. The Kiriakov Circus I believe it was. They were spectacular. I couldn’t help but marvel at the elephants, and the big cats. That a man can control such huge beasts seemed impossible. But I especially liked the acrobatic acts. There was this one couple who rode and tumbled. I have never seen anything like it before or since. Incredible they were. If I had not loved Montana so much I would have run away with them then and there, though I was only a boy.
It must be very difficult for you to imagine a life without it, and I will understand if now that things have maybe healed a little, that you may have regretted responding to me – but I do pray you will come out and meet with me. I cannot deny it, your letter made you sound so very interesting, fascinating in fact.
Yours Hopefully
Matthew Simmons
Emily read his words with interest. The world was so vast, and yet in some ways it could be so very small. He had seen the Kiriakov Circus, and remembered her Mama and Papa’s Act. She did not know how old he was, or how long ago it had been – but his description could only be of them. If she had needed a sign, here it was. The link that connected them, despite the miles and differing lives.
Even more than that, he was offering her the chance to escape the shackles of her Mama’s overprotective regimen, and to travel to Montana where she would be able to rest and recuperate – and more importantly rebuild her strength without such scrutiny and control. She longed to reply then and there and just say yes, she would be on the next train. But her current circumstances would make that more than a little difficult. She could not walk, and though she had some meager savings, she did not have enough to hire a nurse to care for her during the long journey.
But they were small, easily remedied concerns. Her greatest worry was how to tell her Mama of such a thing. Mama would not understand. She would do everything she could to keep their little family together, would try and persuade her that recovery was possible, or that it didn’t matter that she could no longer perform. She would cajole, and beg, and outright demand Emily’s obedience - and she would acquiesce, as she always did. She didn’t know how to say no to anyone, least of all her fiery mother.
Emily knew that she would have to accept that she would not be able to go. She stared at the letter, and ran her fingers over the lightly embossed train ticket and felt a tear trickle down her cheek. It was hopeless. She had been a fool to think that there was a life for her outside of the Circus, that she could even consider leaving her family. But he sounded so good and so kind, and even a little reckless. She liked him. She wanted to find out more. She wanted to go to him, and give herself the chance to find out if she could be happy somewhere as she had never been here.
“Miss Emily, the doctor is here to see you,” Maisie said brightly as she came back into the room. “Your Mama must have forgotten to tell me he was due.”
“No, I just dropped by,” Dr Bright said solemnly as his tall frame filled the little doorway. “I wanted to see if you have been getting up and following the exercise regimen I prescribed.” Emily looked at him openmouthed. Mama had told her of no such thing. She had been forced to barter with her to be permitted to even take just a few steps today.
“How long should I have been following this regimen?” she asked curiously.
“For the last two weeks, since I saw you last.” Emily could feel her cheeks flushing crimson with anger. It was one thing for Mama to want to care for her, but to deliberately ignore the good doctor’s advice, and make her have to bargain to be permitted to do what he had prescribed weeks ago was a step too far. She was an adult, not a child and it was time her mother began to accept that. She took a deep breath and tried to steady her voice.
“I am sorry. I did not know. I have been trying to get Mama to let me get up for days, but she has been so insistent that I should rest a while longer.”
“Shall we see what you can do?” he asked her with a smile as he took off his top hat and laid it and his coat neatly on the chair. She smiled back, glad he had chosen to be so diplomatic, and to not labor the fact that Mama had over-ridden his treatment.
“Yes, I think we should,” she said eagerly. He rolled up his sleeves, as she shuffled to the side of the bed. Tenderly he helped her to drop her feet onto the floor and put a supportive arm around her to help her up. Her legs felt like jelly, and she gasped as pain shot through her as she put her damaged foot to the floor. He adjusted to take more of her weight, and she felt the pain ease a little.
“Do you want to carry on?” he asked her, watching her features carefully. She nodded and pushed down through her legs once more. The pain was not as bad this time, but she couldn’t remember having felt so weak and incapable before. Very carefully Dr Bright helped her to take her first steps, but three was all she could manage. “Emily, I would have expected you to be hobbling around on crutches by now. I am disappointed that your mother has completely ignored all of my advice,” he said sadly. “You have the strength, or at least you did, to be able to be well on your way to a complete recovery.
“She was doing what she thought best,” Emily said, agreeing with him but not wanting to betray her Mama. She had no clue what her reasons for babying her so might have been, but she knew that they would have been there. However, his concerns did give her an idea. “Dr Bright, do you think that I may progress better if I were to convalesce away from my family?”
“From what I have seen thus far, I would have to admit that I do think that. Why? Is there somewhere you might go?”
“There is. A friend has invited me to Montana. I know it is a long way to go, and I know I am not yet up to a long train journey but I think it might do me good.”
“I think it would be perfect. I can arrange for you to borrow a rolling chair, so you could make the journey tomorrow if you wished. You would need a nurse to assist you, as your muscles are weak, but your health could stand the journey.”
“Would you please speak to my brother and maybe even to the Major? There is no point in talking to my Mama, she will dismiss every word you say, but if the Major and Evan were convinced then she would have to give in.” Emily could hardly contain her excitement, her face lit up from within. Dr Bright smiled down at her, clearly glad to be of assistance to her – and eager to have her be able to follow a suitable plan of rehabilitation.
“I shall do what I can for you Emily, but if I do so I expect you to follow the regimen I have laid out for you to the letter.”
“I shall be happy to!” she assured him, shaking his hand enthusiastically. “Thank you.”
Emily could hardly believe her luck as she watched the Major and Evan trying to convince Mama later that day. The statuesque owner of the Circus had come in at the end of their practice session, his face solemn. Dr Bright had clearly kept his word, had spoken to the man whose opinion mattered more than anyone’s in this rag tag world. Mama kept shaking her head, and Emily knew that she wasn’t far from tears, but in the end even she could not deny that she had ignored the doctor’s advice, and Emily’s recovery was lagging because of it. “Well young lady, I would like to know who your mysterious friend is in Montana,” Mama demanded as she marched towards her, her eyes flashing with fury. Emily gulped. She had known that this would be coming, but she had decided that nothing other than the truth would be a suitable defense.
“Mama, I answered one of those Matrimonial advertisements.”
“You did what?”
“Please, don’t get so upset. Matthew is a kind man. He has a young son, and he has offered me a place in his cousin’s household to convalesce.”
“You do not know if he is a good man, or a killer! How could you? No, I shan’t allow it.”
“Mama, yes you will,” Evan said as he moved swiftly towards them. “The Major cannot afford to keep paying the wages and expenses for an Act that may never be able to walk again, let alone fall off a dumb donkey. Em needs to be away from us so she can heal, and so she can work out what to do next. Can’t you imagine how difficult it must be for her to see all of us around her, life going on as usual when at best all she can hope for is that she will walk with a limp for the rest of her days?”
Mama’s face fell, Emily wanted to reach out to hold her and comfort her. She was more devastated by Emily’s injuries than she was herself, and as she took in Evan’s blunt words, the tiny woman crumpled. “Mama, please do not feel sorry for me. I was never so good at what I did as to be so upset at losing it,” she assured her. “Claude and I will be glad to go into retirement, I will be able to take him with me won’t I?” Evan grinned at her.
“Just like my little sister to be more worried about whether you can take that damned ass with you than to have to change your entire life!”
“Claude is my responsibility,” she said stubbornly.
“Yes, he is. I’ll arrange for him to be sent first class,” the Major said in his gruff voice. “I’ll upgrade your ticket too Miss Emily. My Circus owes your family much, it is the least I can do for you and for your dear departed Papa, my friend. Now you get well and strong out there, and if you ever decide to come back, there will always be a place for you here.”
“I know,” she said with a grin as she beckoned him to come down to where she was sat for a kiss on his cheek, “if I can come up with a good Act that will make you money!” He rubbed at his full moustache, twirling the ends awkwardly, as if she had caught him out. “Mama, please I would like to have your blessing.”
“I know my sweet, but I shall miss you so terribly. I have never been apart from either of you for so much as a day. I don’t know if I can bear it.”
“Papa will keep an eye on me,” Emily said, knowing her Mama believed that Joe Wilkins was in heaven watching over them all. “He’ll take care of me.” Mama sniffed and then flung her arms around Emily. She curled her arms around the slight body that was so fragile and doll like – yet was all sinew and muscle. “Mama, both you and Papa taught me to be strong, capable, determined. Let me go and find out what my life is to be now. I can’t do it here, Evan is right, it is too hard watching everyone do everything – it always has been. I am not a circus girl at heart and you have always known it. I am happier with a book than I have ever been in the ring.”
“Evan, carry your sister upstairs. She must be tired. We’ll talk about this tomorrow,” Mama said firmly, trying to reassert her dominance over the situation.
“No Mama, the decision is taken. I shall leave for Montana the day after tomorrow. There is nothing else to say.” Evan lifted her up, and Mama squeezed her hand tightly. “I will be fine Mama, I’ll write every week, I promise. It’ll be as if I am right here beside you telling you all my stories just as I always have.”
*****
Evan and Maisie took her to the station. Mama had suddenly found a pressing need to be with the horses, one had apparently gotten a limp in the evening performance. Evan had told her the truth - that all the horses were quite well - and it had hurt a little that her mother could not bring herself to be here to say goodbye. The rolling chair was heavy to push, but it did mean she could move around much more easily. The Major had hired a nurse to accompany her and she was smart and efficient. Emily was sure that once they were acquainted that they would become good friends. She had a kind face, and the loveliest blue eyes. “Mama wanted to come, it is just difficult for her. Everything has happened so suddenly,” Evan said lamely as he settled her in her carriage.
“No she didn’t, or she would be here. She has barely left my side in weeks. She could have come to see me off. I know she loves me, and I know she is worried about me – but she cannot cope with the thought of my growing up and not needing her.”
“We’ll always need her,” her brother said sagely.
“Yes we will, but don’t ever tell her that!” Emily joked. “I shall miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too little one. Now, be careful out there. Don’t go getting yourself into mischief, and if you need anything let me know straight away. I’ll come and rescue you!” He hugged her tightly, and kissed her on the forehead. She smiled and squeezed his cheeks together, like she had when she had been a little girl. He grinned.
“I’ll just check on Claude, make sure they’ve settled him in. I wonder what your young man will think when you turn up with that useless donkey in tow!”
“Claude is not useless. He is clever and good at tricks, and I am sure I can teach him some new ones so he can continue to earn his keep,” she retorted.
“I’m sure you will. Love you little sister, but don’t let your pride get in the way.” Emily knew what he meant about Mama. But she had already written a letter which she had left with Maisie. She had known right from the start that she wouldn’t be able to bear the thought of either of her babies leaving the nest. Evan would never leave, but she had already stayed longer than she should have. It was time to find out who she was, and what she might be without her famous family. It was time to find Emily at long last.