Easier Said Than Done
After some testing at school and another parent-teacher conference that her mother attended this time, it was determined that Autumn was dyslexic. An Individualized Education Plan was set into place for her, and she went back to classes with a renewed sense of hope for her future.
Jessie was driving her nuts about the auditions for the play that were coming up. Autumn pretended not to care, but she secretly took a peek at the script that was on the drama teacher’s desk. It was a wonderful story, and Autumn loved it right away. She could just picture herself as the main character, but she knew there were a lot of lines to memorize. In the past, she would have run away as fast as she could from the idea of being in a play. But now she wondered if she could do it.
“Everyone learns things differently,” her aunt had told her the other day. “In some cases, it doesn’t matter how you get from point A to point B; it just matters that you get there,” she had said.
Jessie had been picking her up after school once in awhile and taking her out for ice cream or to go shopping. The two were getting close, and Autumn was glad to have someone around to talk to. Before Jessie came to live with them, Autumn didn’t have much time for herself. With Jessie living with them, she was able to take a walk after school, do her homework earlier, and even watch TV after supper.
Today Jessie was picking her up, and they were going to head out to the fabric store to buy some leather. Autumn was going to make her first pair of moccasins.
“What color leather do you want to use?” asked Jessie, pulling into the parking lot of the store.
“Well, I have a pair of red ones now,” Autumn answered. “But they are getting a little too small. You know, I really don’t like sewing.”
“Well, just try it once and see what you think. What are you going to use them for?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are you going to wear them every day? Are you going to dance in them?”
“Dance in them?” Autumn laughed. “I don’t think so.”
Jessie locked the car doors, and they headed to the store’s entrance. “I’m not talking about that sort of dancing. Haven’t you ever been to a pow wow?”
“Yes, when I was little. Mom doesn’t go to them anymore. She says she feels funny being there without Dad.”
“Did you dance there?”
“No.”
“If you learn the Jingle Dress dance, maybe you could try out for the play.”
“I’m not trying out.”
“Why?”
Autumn looked away, tucking her hair behind her ear. “I don’t talk right.”
“You are doing so much better with your dyslexia.”
“No, I mean my …” Autumn’s voice trailed off and she looked down at the ground.
Jessie pulled her to the side of the building next to the door and looked down at her.
“Has anyone been teasing you? I mean, have you had problems with Sydney?”
Autumn shook her head. “No, but no one comes near me anymore, either.” She gave her aunt a little smile. “I think they are afraid of you.”
Jessie shook her head. “Well, I didn’t mean for that to happen.”
“No, it’s not.” She thought for a moment. “Are you concerned about your speech issues?”
Autumn nodded.
“Haven’t you been working with your speech therapist?”
“Yes, but it’s not getting any better.”
“These things take time.”
“I don’t have time. Auditions are in a couple of weeks.”
“Autumn, everyone knows you have this issue. It shouldn’t stop you from trying new things.”
“It does.”
“But it shouldn’t.”
“It’s embarrassing.”
“I know it is.” Jessie sighed and shoved her hands in her jean pockets. “You know, some of us carry our carry our burdens on the inside and some of us on the outside.”
“Huh?”
Jessie smiled. “With some people you can tell they have a problem. Maybe they walk with crutches or a cane. Those people carry their problems on the outside. You are having speech issues. People can’t tell you are different unless you speak. You carry your problems on the inside.”
“So what’s your point?”
“My point is this problem may never go away. You just have to learn to live with it the best you can. If you are confident, others will see you that way.”
“That’s easier said than done.”
“I know.”
“And people have made fun of me because of the way I talk. Why would I want to put myself out there for that?”
Jessie took Autumn’s hand and looked into her eyes.
“Your grandmother used to tell me, ‘If people are trying to bring you down, it only means one thing. You already are above them.’”
“Oh, I don’t know about that.”
“You are not alone, Autumn Dawn. I am here. And your mother.” Jessie saw the skeptical way Autumn was looking at her and she smiled.
“Your mother is a little lost right now, but she will come back to us. I told her something the other day that I think will help you too.”
“What is it?”
“It’s an Ojibwa proverb that goes like this: ‘Sometimes I go about pitying myself, and all the while I am being carried across the sky by beautiful clouds.’”
“And just what are you saying? This is all my fault because I’m feeling sorry for myself?”
Jessie shook her head and started walking back to the front door of the store. Autumn trailed behind her.
“The proverb means you are never alone,” replied Jessie. “When you feel bad about yourself, look around you and see that you have support to get through it.”
“So, you are the beautiful cloud?”
Jessie laughed. “Your father used to call me that.”
Autumn grinned and linked her arm with Jessie’s.
“Well, if you are already carrying Dad, then I guess I could hop on too,” she said with a smile. “Let’s go get some white leather.”
“White?”
“Yup. I like that color.”
“Okay then. Let’s go.”
Together they went into the store and bought the needed items for the moccasins. Then they headed home to make supper.
Autumn could tell right away there was a problem when they entered the house. There was a pot of noodles on the stove overflowing, and Sam was wailing on the living room floor. Her mother was nowhere to be found.
Jessie’s look was grim as she went over and picked up Sam. Autumn went into the kitchen, turned off the stove, and moved the pot off the burner. Then she walked over to her mother’s bedroom and tentatively knocked on the closed door.
“Mom?”
“What?”
“What are you doing?”
“That’s none of your business. Go away!”
Autumn looked over at Sam still screaming and the mess in the kitchen. She had been having a wonderful time with her aunt and now she had to come home to this. Her mother had ruined things again. Her eyes narrowed, and this time she couldn’t stop the angry words from coming out of her mouth.
“You need to get out here and take care of things,” she shouted at the closed door. “I’m tired of doing everything around here!”
The door whipped open and she stood face to face with her mother.
“What did you just say to me?” asked her mother, eyes narrowing.
“You need to get over yourself,” said Autumn, hands on her hips. “So Dad left you. We are still here. You are our mother. Start taking care of us. What’s wrong with you that you dump everything on me? I shouldn’t have to do everything.”
Autumn’s head whipped back from the slap her mother gave her.
Autumn sucked in a breath as tears rolled down her face.
“I hate you,” she whispered. Before Jessie could stop her, she shoved her mother back in the room and pulled the door shut hard.
“Stay in there,” Autumn yelled. “No one wants you out here anyway.”
Her mother managed to fling the door open as Autumn ran out of the house, leaving the outside door open. Autumn’s mother took a few steps toward the door and Jessie caught her arm. She pushed her off, turning on her.
“You! You’ve filled her head with all this. She never used to talk to me that way.”
Jessie shook her head sadly. “You have made her that way, Melissa,” she answered.
When Melissa took a step toward her, Jessie put up a hand.
“Are you really going to hit me with your son in my arms?”
Melissa gritted her teeth and, with a growl, marched back into the bedroom and slammed the door. Jessie sighed and worked on quieting down the toddler in her arms.
A few moments later, Jessie could hear sobbing coming from Melissa’s bedroom, and she took a step toward it. She stopped and glanced back at the outside door, which was still swinging in the breeze.
She turned around and headed for it. Autumn needed her more. She just hoped she could find her.