Nothing Is Solved by Running Away
Autumn sat hunched over in a big brown wooden fort at the playground down the block from her house. There were several steps leading up to the platform where she was hiding, and she huddled against one of the four enclosed walls with her eyes closed.
She was never going home. She hated it there and was tired of her mother. Jessie was there now, she reasoned, and she could handle things while her mother fell apart.
Starting to shiver, she pulled her arms out of her sweatshirt and hugged herself for warmth. She didn’t know what to do now that she had left. She had no food or money and nowhere to go. She started to cry softly, afraid someone would hear her and try to take her back home … or worse, try to hurt her in some way.
Eventually she fell asleep. She woke up several hours later when she heard someone calling her name. It was her mother.
Autumn didn’t know what to do. She was torn between staying where she was and answering the frantic call of her mother. She bit her lip and stayed put.
Autumn’s mother started to cry as she called out again.
“Autumn, please. If you can hear me, answer me.”
Autumn stayed where she was and didn’t answer.
Autumn’s mother sat down on the platform below Autumn and sighed.
“She’s gone. I’ll never find her. She could be anywhere. What was I thinking hitting her like that? I’ve never hit anyone in all my life. But I’m so angry. I’m angry Tom left, I have no money even though I’m working two jobs, and I have no time for myself. I just don’t know what to do.”
She started crying again, and Autumn bit her lip. She wanted to run down the stairs and fling herself into her mother’s arms, but she couldn’t be sure her mother wouldn’t hit her again. Her cheek still stung from the hard slap she had given her. And what if she got mad at her for hiding right next to her and not coming out right away? No, she didn’t trust her. She had to stay hidden.
All was silent after a few minutes, and Autumn wondered if her mother had left. She reached up and peered out through a little space between the wood and saw her aunt coming toward them. She quickly dropped back down and waited.
“No sign of her over there,” Jessie said. “Come on. We need to take Sam home and call the police.”
“The police!” Autumn mouthed quietly. She never considered they would have to do that. She shifted quietly in her place in the fort.
“The police? Why would we do that?” asked her mother.
“Melissa, you’re not thinking clearly. It’s getting dark out here. Then she’ll be alone and possibly lost in the dark.”
“Oh, no. You’re right. I guess I thought we would have found her by now.”
Autumn heard her mother get up from the platform.
“They’re never going to find her,” she said, starting to cry. “She could be long gone by now.”
“I don’t think so.”
“You don’t?”
“Nope. I think she’s somewhere nearby.”
“Really? Why do you think that?”
“She has no money, and she’s probably getting hungry by now. I bet she heads home real soon. Maybe she’s already there.”
Autumn heard her mother start to walk away.
“I’m right behind you,” said Jessie.
There was a moment of silence, and then Jessie spoke up again.
“I saw you, Autumn, peeking out from the fort. It’s time to go home. Nothing can be solved by running away.”
Autumn dropped her face in her hands and didn’t answer.
“Okay, Autumn. I’m heading home now. If you choose to come back, I’ll make sure your mother doesn’t hit you again.”
Autumn heard her turn and walk away. She sat for several minutes trying to decide what to do. Then, realizing again she had no food or money, she stood up slowly.
Her legs felt cramped, and for a moment she just stood there. She could barely see the walls now. It was time to go.
Autumn crawled down from the fort and started walking home. She was several blocks away and needed to hurry, as the light was starting to fade. She hesitated outside her house, then opened the door and stepped inside her living room.
Jessie had told Melissa that she saw Autumn at the playground and had talked to her. Melissa wanted to run back to the playground, but Jessie had told her to wait. It had to be Autumn’s decision to return, and as hard as that was to hear, Melissa knew she was right. If she went barging down there, she could scare her daughter, and Autumn might run away where she’d never find her. They decided to give Autumn an hour before they called the police. It was the longest hour of Melissa’s life, and a great lesson in trust.
Autumn stood just inside the door, unsure of what reception she would get from her mother. Melissa stayed on the couch, and Jessie stood by the picture window watching. She would protect Autumn at all costs, but she was pretty sure she wouldn’t need to.
Mother and daughter stood staring at each other, and for a moment no one spoke. Then Autumn closed the door behind her and walked into the room. She glanced at her mother and then at her aunt before walking across the room and disappearing into her bedroom, shutting the door. Melissa went to stand up, but Jessie motioned her to stay still.
“But …”
Jessie shook her head, and Melissa went still again.
A little while later, Melissa put Sam to bed. She paused just outside Autumn’s bedroom door.
Jessie saw the worried look on Melissa’s face and got up and went to her in the hall. She nodded, and together they entered Autumn’s bedroom.
She was curled up facing the wall, with her back to the two women. Melissa sighed and sat down on Jessie’s bed. Jessie remained standing but quietly shut the door behind them.
Melissa glanced at Jessie, who nodded, and she turned back to speak to Autumn.
“I’m so sorry, Autumn. You are the most precious thing to me, and I hurt you.”
There was no response, and Melissa frowned, glancing up at Jessie again. Jessie gestured that she should continue, and Melissa turned back to her daughter reluctantly. She didn’t know what to say.
Jessie patted the place over her heart and nodded, and Melissa spoke again.
“I’m in a lot of pain because your dad left us,” she said, shifting on the bed. “I guess I took it out on you. I made you do everything around here while I felt sorry for myself. That was wrong, and I’m sorry for that.”
She hesitated and then went on.
“I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t seem to move on. Your dad has been gone for a while now, and I’m stuck in this black hole. I wish …”
Her voice trailed off and then she went silent. Autumn turned over to stare at her mother.
“What do you wish?” she asked softly, and tears filled her mother’s eyes.
“I wish so many things,” she whispered. “I wish I was a better mother. I wish I could handle all this better. I wish I hadn’t hit you.” Tears fell from her eyes, and she looked down at the floor, ashamed now.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, and Autumn got up and wrapped her arms around her.
“Me too,” she said. “I shouldn’t have said all those things to you.”
“No, you were right. Everything you said was true,” replied her mother, wiping her tears away. “I just didn’t want to hear them.”
Autumn closed her eyes and pulled her mother closer. Her mother buried her face in Autumn’s hair.
“You look so much like your father,” she said. “Every time I look at you I see him.”
Autumn opened her eyes to see Jessie watching her. She nodded at Autumn, and put a hand to her heart. Then she turned and quietly left the room.