I feel like a caged puox. There’s something so wrong about doing nothing.
We’re rehearsing, and Talie is trying hard to make it seem as if everything is fine, but I feel like I’m living on a self-destruct countdown. My time is slowly ticking away, and with that comes destruction and death.
It could have been avoided had I not let Talie’s smooth words and pleading expression trick me into staying on the Midway.
“Renner?”
It’s odd how swinging upside down on a trapeze bar has become normal. “Sorry. I’m distracted.”
“Don’t make me flip you.” Talie senses my grumpiness but won’t let it stop her.
I can’t help it. I smile. “Bring it on, Grav-Girl.”
My body becomes weightless, and she flips me in two complete circles before letting me drop ten meters and then holding me steady twenty meters above the net. It’s a strange sensation, hanging in midair with nothing but a mind holding me.
“Don’t do it.” I twist to see her, but she lets me drop. One bounce, then two, and I cling to the webbing, letting my stomach settle. “Very funny.”
She floats down next to me like a feather on an air current. “We’re done for today.”
It’s only been half our normal practice time, but I can’t pretend I mind. There are bigger things out there than circus shows and trapeze stunts. Granted, some of that pressure has been alleviated by the fact that I now know I won’t kill Talie if I drop her, but I can’t even get my mind into the mental space of a show right now.
“You did well.” She sits next to me, drawn closer by my weight depressing the net. “What, no bragging comeback? Are you feeling unwell?” She reaches to touch my forehead with a patronizing smile, but I brush her off.
“I’m fine.”
“You’re grouchy.”
“Doesn’t mean I can’t still be fine.”
“Looks like someone needs a muffin.”
I can’t help it. I meet her gaze.
“Gotcha.”
I look away, crossing my arms, though I feel ridiculous since I’m laying down on a net.
“Renner, you’re safe.”
“No.” I shoot into a sitting position, and Talie has to grab the net to keep from sliding into my lap. “Don’t say I’m safe, Talie. You have no idea.”
“I do.” She leans forward. “I know they’re dangerous. You can’t back down from something like that—can’t give in. Stars, life is dangerous Renner. If that’s all we focus on, then we’ll never truly live.”
“Leaving isn’t backing down.” It’s keeping you safe.
“Maybe not,” she concedes, “but it’s also not your only option.”
I know we shouldn’t still be fighting over this. It’s been several days since I received another message from Skye saying the Elite are gunning for the Midway. I should have made peace with my decision, but it haunts me. Flares to life every time I see Talie. The danger I’m putting her in—
<<NOW ARRIVING AT HEXALIA. CREW MEMBERS REPORT TO DUTY STATIONS>>
The ship wide announcement makes Talie twitch.
“I still can’t believe we’re stopping,” I say.
“It’s smart. We’ve changed our plans, so we’re not as easy a target. We’re doing what we can.”
It’s not enough.
When I meet Talie’s gaze, she looks so hopeful, as if a small change in itinerary will equal safety. I don’t want to rob her of some semblance of peace if I can help it.
The fact is, Roper suggested we stop at his home world, and Delmar agreed. Because the captain works for Delmar, the change was made. I don’t like that we’ll be a stationary target, but I can’t do anything about it now.
“Didn’t you promise me a muffin?”
The small smile that brightens her face makes me regret my earlier grouchy mood. I’m not gaining anything with my grumbling worry. Talie may think the Phenomena won’t be at risk, but it’s not a bet I’m willing to make. I’ll work on finalizing my plans for getting off at Hexalia in secret, but in the meantime, muffins!
“There might be some left over from breakfast.”
“Kell said she’d keep some in the pantry for me—just in case.”
Talie makes a dramatic eye roll. “You have every girl on this ship bending to your desire.”
“Not every girl.” I tamp down the spark of heat when I meet the ice blue of Talie’s eyes, but she ignores my comment.
“Come on, Fly Boy. Let’s get you a muffin.”
“Or three,” I amend.
“Tell me something.”
“What?” I flip over the side of the net as she glides gracefully to the floor, taking the time to shadow my worry at her inquisitiveness.
“Why did you join the royal guard?”
The question is out of the black, and I’m not sure what to say. My fingers slip to the coin I retrieved from my suit that day in her closet. I bring it out to flip through my fingers.
“What’s that?” she asks.
“A silly trinket.” I can tell she doesn’t believe me. “You asked about the guard, but it started before that.” I run my tongue along my bottom lip.
Do I want to share this with her? When I look over, she waits patiently, and it pushes me over the edge and into the past.
“My family was poor growing up, but in those days, it was common for Balaxon gangs to raid. They would steal food, blankets, trinkets—anything.”
I shake my head, the memory of that day as clear as one of the Zerias crystals that dot Talie’s dresses.
“One morning while my first father was away at work, a band of Balaxons came. They demanded our food and eyed my eldest sister. I hated the way they looked at her, like she was property, not a person.” My throat thickens at the memory of her fear. “I was young—foolish—but I couldn’t take it. I grabbed my father’s walking stick and challenged them. My mother tried to stop me, but I managed a few good knocks to the shins of one guy. They easily beat me down, and one was getting ready to run me through.”
Talie gasps, her hand covering her mouth.
“Then something odd happened. Their leader stopped him. He flipped this coin at me and said when I was old enough, they would take me. Then they left.” I can still feel my pulse pounding. The anger. The terror. “We moved to another village soon after, though it meant my father lost his job.” And eventually his life.
“But you kept it?” She looks back at the coin.
“Because of what my mother said after. She told me bravery will always win. It took me many cycles, and many tragedies, to believe that, but I keep this to remind me that the path leading to the right thing is paved with determination. And,” I look up and catch her stare, “to never back down from hard things.”
We step into a trav-tube, and the near-silent rush of the lift encircles us.
“When I petitioned to enter the military, I trained harder than most because I was determined to make a better life for my family. I wanted to fight for what was right and against the exploitation of the Balaxon gangs.
“The night I was accepted into the program, I got to see a demonstration of the royal guard. It’s all very ‘pomp and show,’ but I was shocked by their skill. I knew then I would join them. And I did. Even though I was the youngest recruit, I ranked second in my class and was chosen to protect Lè Fayrin as a brother would. As part of the royal guard, we are encouraged to invest in the family. It’s why they change our last names to take on the royal family name. We become like family—or that is their hope.” I look down at the coin. “There will always be a part of me that is the poor boy trying to do what’s right, no matter the cost.”
“That commitment must have required a lot from you.”
“It did.” It took my family.
Silence descends like a blanket of snow on the top of Pinnacle Point. Soft, but too cold.
“Thank you for telling me.”
I’m tempted to worry that I’ve said too much. Shown her the real Renner, but then the doors slide open, and we exit to the hallway, the shared intimacy gone.
I can already tell the ship has docked. Space travel is subtle, not prone to jerkiness unless necessary, but I’ve always been able to tell when a ship was moving or still. The feeling of being on planet has its own kind of solidness.
We enter the galley. Of those scattered around the tables, some are crew members, but the rest are cast members. Elixa sits alone as always, and Freyda dines with Gemma, an iduos pup in her lap.
“What can I get you, Renner?” Kell’s smile is beguiling, and I remember what Talie said about every girl.
“I think you can guess.”
She giggles and produces a plate with three muffins on it and a colorful drink.
“Perfection. Thank you.”
I wait for Talie to take her spiced latte and sweet cake.
“What is that?” She wrinkles her nose at my drink.
“Drawx Sunrise.” I take a sip and revel in the syrupy sweetness. “Wanna try some?”
We take a seat at a small table for two, the stars our background since this side of the ship faces spaceward. It feels intimate despite the fact we are far from alone, and I think of Freyda’s ultimatum regarding Talie. I’m relatively certain I can feel her eyes shooting daggers at me now, but this is merely a post-rehearsal snack.
“No thanks.” Talie sips her drink. I can tell by the way she lets out a contended sigh it’s exactly what she wanted.
“Now it’s my turn for questions.” I meet her gaze and catch the faint blush my attention brings to her cheeks. “Why the Soaring Starress? Is that something you picked, or was it picked for you? Do you even enjoy it?”
“Do I get to answer these questions? Or are you just going to keep asking?”
I shrug and pull apart my first muffin. Delicious.
“The Soaring Starress was all about the marketing. I had no real say in it.” Her gaze drifts to the stars, a safe refuge to think. “And…yes and no.”
I mentally pair the answer with my question. So she does and doesn’t enjoy it?
“Too vague. Please explain.”
“I enjoy it because I like the rush of the air, the motion of swinging, the spins.” She shrugs and takes a bite of her sweet cake, chewing thoughtfully before finishing her answer. “But not always because it’s an act. That’s my life, I suppose—one big act.”
Would she believe that I understand? That sometimes the lies sink so deep they tangle around you, threatening to drown you? That you’re afraid you’ll go too far and not know yourself anymore?
“Renner?”
My second muffin is halfway to my mouth, but I’ve just…stopped.
“Are you okay?”
All I want is for someone to see me. All of me. And yet that is also what I fear the most, because when they do, I don’t know if they’ll accept what they find.
Then I consider Talie. I look past the sparkling, star-polished surface to the core of who she is. Loyal, fiercely protective, smart, intuitive…beautiful. What would she find in me?
“Yeah, I’m—”
“No!” Elixa shoots from her chair, and the room shifts focus to her. She wears a bright red cloth over unruly dark curls, and the sigils on her tanned face stand out in black and shimmering gold. Her attention snaps to me. “They’re coming.”
Talie jumps to her feet.
I’m close behind. “You need to get out of here.”
“Freyda?” The name is a question.
“Talie, please.”
“Freyda. Do it.”
I don’t understand what’s going on. I look between them. There’s an internal conversation going on but I’m not part of it. An argument, if I had to guess.
“Talie, you know I can’t.” Freyda is fuming.
“I command you.”
I’ve never seen this side of Talie. Earnest. Demanding. Royal.
“Fine,” Freyda spits. “But I don’t like this one bit.”
Talie’s gaze sharpens, but I’m distracted by the sound of boots in the hall. It’s the Elite. I know it.
“We have to get out of here. Now!” I reach for Talie, but before I can, I feel a warm touch on my arm. The heat of it radiates out from the contact and encompasses my whole body. Then my hand disappears.
I disappear.