OUR HOTEL WAS called the Gwesty Bryn Nodfa. Gwesty is Welsh for hotel. We were guests in the Gwesty. There weren’t many other guests because it’s quite a little hotel.
Two old ladies looked out of the Gwesty guest lounge and saw Biscuits and me and said, ‘Oh dear! Boys! They’ll start rampaging around in their great big boots.’
So Biscuits whispered in my ear, ‘Oh dear! Old ladies! They’ll start rampaging around in their great big Scholl sandals.’
I cracked up laughing. Biscuits did too.
Mum frowned at us.
‘Boys! Calm down now.’ She looked apologetically at the old ladies. ‘Don’t worry, they’re very well-behaved boys.’
‘But I bet they’re very badly behaved old ladies,’ Biscuits whispered.
I cracked up laughing again. Biscuits did too. We couldn’t stop even when Mum got really cross. Biscuits laughed so much he choked on the last bit of a Kit Kat he’d been munching and he had to be patted on the back. Little bits of Kit Kat – Kitten Krumbs – spattered out of his mouth and slurped down his chin.
‘Really!’ said Mum, whipping out her hankie.
‘Oh leave the boys be. It’s just high spirits,’ said Dad. ‘Come on, don’t let’s bother with unpacking. Let’s get on the beach while the sun’s still out.’
So we walked to the beach. We loped down all these little lanes with hedges full of honeysuckle and wild roses and harebells. We spotted one hedgehog and two butterflies and three rabbits and four magpies. Mum said it seemed a very long way to this beach.
Then we had to skirt round a cabbage field and Biscuits and I had a long discussion about the general disgustingness of cabbage. Even Biscuits isn’t keen on eating something that pongs of old drains. Mum said she was sure we were lost and she was getting a blister.
Then we had to climb over a stile. It was fun sorting out which way to put your legs. Dad said they were also called kissing gates. He helped Mum climb over and when she was balancing at the top he kissed her! I was dead embarrassed. Biscuits and I raised our eyebrows and made smarmy sucky kissing noises. Mum went very pink but she didn’t tell us off. Her blister didn’t seem to be hurting her any more because she didn’t lag behind. She bounced along arm in arm with Dad, while Biscuits and I ran ahead because we could see the sea at last.
‘Careful!’ Mum shouted. ‘Don’t go too near the edge, boys!’
But we weren’t at the top of a steep chalky cliff. It was all sandy grass and then there was just a long slope of wonderful soft sand in front of us, down down down to the beach.
‘Wheeeeeeee!’ shouted Biscuits, and he started sliding down on his bottom.
‘Wheeeeeeee!’ I shouted too, sliding likewise.
I had sand all up my T-shirt and shorts but I didn’t care a bit. I leaned over sideways and tumbled over and over, shrieking.
‘Wow!’ said Biscuits, and he turned sideways and started tumbling too.
He looked like a great big beachball bouncing all the way down.
By the time I got to the bottom I had sand in my hair and my ears and my mouth and even up my nose but I still didn’t care. I just took off my T-shirt and rubbed it all off. Biscuits did the same.
‘Keep your T-shirts on, boys. You don’t want to get sunburnt!’ Mum called.
She rubbed us all over with this sunscreen stuff. It was ever so tickly and Biscuits and I both got the giggles. Then the sun went in and soon we needed our T-shirts back on, and our sweaters.
‘How about a game of French cricket to get warm?’ said Dad.
‘Oh Dad. No! I hate games like that,’ I said.
‘You’ve never even played it. Come on, it’s fun, Tim,’ said Dad.
‘Why don’t you all make a nice sandcastle?’ said Mum quickly.
‘Oh yes!’ I said.
I know about castles. I did this special project at school.
‘Let’s build a motte and bailey castle, eh, Biscuits?’ I said.
‘You what?’ said Biscuits. ‘Bot and naily?’
‘You twit! Motte. That’s a castle that’s up on a mound, right? And the bailey is the walk right round it.’
‘No, don’t let’s build a boring old motte and bailey castle, Tim. We’ll do my bot and naily castle. All the soldiers stand up the top and moon at the enemy showing their bots, right?’
‘OK, OK,’ I said, giggling. ‘And then they cut off all their horny old toenails and flick them over the parapets so that it’s like confetti and all these daggy old nailies get in the enemies’ hair, right, Biscuits?’
‘What on earth are you two going on about?’ said Dad, getting a bit irritated. ‘OK, let’s build a sandcastle.’
There was just one problem. We didn’t have any decent spades. There was a little kiosk right along at the top of the beach so we trailed all the way there but they just had little baby plastic spades for toddlers. They had ice-cream though so we had that instead.
I was a bit disappointed. I had this vision of a brilliant turreted castle on a mound with garderobes and arrow-slit windows and a little drawbridge. But Biscuits licked his ice-cream happily and didn’t seem to mind a bit.
When we went back to the hotel I spotted something in the umbrella stand in the hall. Two big spades with painted wooden handles and hard metal blades. They were very old and chipped but still sturdy. They looked as if they’d been lolling in the umbrella stand a very long time.
The hotel lady, Mrs Jones, made a fuss of Biscuits at dinner because he had mushroom soup and a roll and then chicken and chips and peas and then apple pie and cream and he said it was all extra yummy, especially the pie. Mrs Jones said it was her own special home-made pie and she brought him another slice because she said it was good to see a young man who appreciated his food.
I hadn’t been able to finish my pie and I didn’t like the skin on my chicken and I don’t like soup, especially not mushroom.
Mum apologized for me being such a picky eater but Mrs Jones just laughed and ruffled my hair. She seemed to like me too even though I don’t appreciate my food like Biscuits. So I plucked up courage to ask about the spades.
‘Those old spades, dearie? Of course you two boys can borrow them.’
‘Wow! Great!’ I said.
‘Wow and wow again and great and even greater,’ said Biscuits.
We went to inspect the spades in the umbrella stand while Mum and Dad had coffee.
‘I’ll have the one with the red handle,’ said Biscuits, grabbing it.
‘But you had the red holiday diary,’ I said.
‘Yes, so red’s my colour,’ said Biscuits. ‘You can have the blue.’
‘But I was the one who asked about the spades,’ I said. ‘And I let you have first pick of the holiday diaries so I should have first pick now.’
‘It’s only an old spade,’ said Biscuits, but he hung on to it. He lifted it in the air like a sword. ‘I challenge you to a duel, Super-Tim.’
‘OK, OK, Biscuits-Boy,’ I said, seizing the blue spade reluctantly.
I hoped he was joking. Biscuits seemed a lot stronger than me – and the spades were heavy, with sharp edges.
Biscuits lunged. I dodged. Biscuits went on lunging, slightly off balance – and very nearly speared one of the old ladies shuffling out of the dining room. She shrieked. Her friend shrieked too. Mum came running and she shrieked as well. She couldn’t get cross with Biscuits because he was our guest. So she got cross with me. Which wasn’t fair. Not one bit.
‘Sorry you got the telling off, Tim,’ Biscuits said, when we were in our room.
‘It’s OK,’ I said, though I was still feeling ever so miffed.
‘Look. You can have the red spade if you really want it,’ said Biscuits.
‘It’s OK,’ I repeated, not quite so miffed.
‘I insist,’ said Biscuits.
‘Right! The red spade’s mine,’ I said, suddenly not miffed at all. I giggled. ‘You didn’t half make that old lady jump, Biscuits.’
‘I nearly skewered her like a kebab,’ said Biscuits, and he giggled too.
We mimed the mock duel all over again. We couldn’t act it out because we’d been told very firmly that the spades had to be kept in the umbrella stand all the time we were in the hotel.
We had a duel with our toothbrushes instead and that was great fun, even though Biscuits kept winning. Then Mum came in to settle us down and she made a bit of a fuss about the frothy toothpaste all over everywhere but she didn’t get too narky this time.
‘I suppose boys will be boys,’ she said. ‘Now, it’s been a long day and you were up very early, Tim. Time to snuggle down and go to sleep.’
We snuggled down. But of course we didn’t go to sleep. We held an amazingly rude competition. Then we had a joke-telling bonanza. Biscuits knows some wonderfully disgusting jokes. I snorted so much I had to bury my head in the pillow. So did Biscuits. And then he realized he’d lain on his night-time emergency pack of biscuits. There were an awful lot of crumbs. He had to eat them all up to get rid of them.
Then he nodded off. Biscuits makes little munching noises even in his sleep. Then I went to sleep too and dreamed I was down on the beach, building the biggest sandcastle in the world. I stepped inside and explored, climbing the narrow steps round and round, right to the top of the golden tower . . .
Then I woke up and it was morning. The first thing I thought of was Castle.
Then Biscuits woke up and the first thing he did was sniff hopefully.
‘Hi, Biscuits! Are you seeing if you can smell the sea air?’
‘Hi, Tim! No, I’m seeing if I can sniff sausages for breakfast!’ said Biscuits.
‘No, no, no, Mr Cannibal,’ said Dog Hog, struggling out from under the sheets and attacking Biscuits.
Walter Bear and I watched, cuddling peacefully.
‘You are crackers, Biscuits,’ I said. ‘Hey, can I really have the red spade today?’
‘Well, I said you could have it yesterday so really it should be my turn today,’ said Biscuits.
‘But I never got to use it yesterday!’ I said indignantly.
‘I’ll fight you for the spade, right?’ said Biscuits, and he picked up his pillow and thumped me with it.
I thumped back with mine.
We were soon bouncing backwards and forwards on the beds, thumping and bumping, clouting and shouting. Shouting a little too loudly.
‘Boys, boys! Stop it at once!’ Mum hissed, rushing into our room in her nightie and dressing gown. ‘Honestly! What am I going to do with you? It isn’t seven o’clock yet and you’re already behaving like horrible hooligans. Now get back into bed and try to have another little snooze.’
We didn’t feel the least bit sleepy. We had another weeny-teeny pillow fight, and Biscuits called me a horrible hooligan and I called Biscuits a horrible hooligan. Then we did a horrible hooligan dance, swaying our hips to be hula-hula hooligans, and Biscuits swayed so much his pyjamas fell down round his ankles. I laughed so hard I fell over in a heap on my bed. Mum came in, Mega-Mad, saying we were waking up all the other guests in the Gwesty and there would be Complaints at Breakfast.
But no-one did complain, though the old lady Biscuits had practically skewered flinched nervously as he thundered past her table. Mum was still a bit narky but Dad cheered her up by suggesting we drive to the nearest small town and buy some picnic food and maybe have a little look round the shops.
‘Oh n-o-o-o-o-o-o. Biscuits and I want to go straight on the beach with our spades,’ I wailed.
But Biscuits seemed to think picnic food might be a seriously good idea, so I didn’t make too much fuss. We went to a town called Abercoch. Another name that gave Biscuits and me the giggles. Dad went on about how big it had become and moaned like anything about the amusement arcades and caravan sites and the supermarket in the town centre.
Mum went on about how small it was and why didn’t it have a Marks & Spencer and weren’t there any decent clothes shops at all? But after we’d got the food we all had an ice-cream and then we got back in the car and parked it at the Gwesty Bryn Nodfa and collected all our beach stuff (including the spades) and walked along the footpaths and around the fields and over the stile and ran all the way down the sandy slope and AT LAST we were on the beach.
I was all set to build the best castle in the world. But guess what. The tide was in. Right in, so that the water was way up, lapping the skirts of the sandy slope. There was barely room to put down our towels and picnic.
‘Oh rats rats rats,’ I said. ‘I want to build my castle!’
‘Don’t say “rats” like that, dear. Now, never mind. You can sit down quietly with Biscuits and read your comics or do some writing in your holiday diaries,’ said Mum.
‘Never mind, Tim, we can all go for a swim,’ said Dad.
‘Never mind, Tim, we can maybe have our picnic now instead,’ said Biscuits.
‘But I wanted to build my castle.’
I tried digging in the soft powdery sand of the slope but it was useless. It just slithered and slopped around and wouldn’t stand firm at all.
‘It’s not fair.’
‘Oh Tim, don’t be such a baby,’ said Dad. ‘Stop making such a fuss about a silly sandcastle. Let’s go for a swim.’
‘Are you sure the sea is clean enough? You hear such horrible tales about pollution nowadays,’ said Mum.
‘It’s clear as crystal. You come in too,’ said Dad.
‘Somebody’s got to sit here and mind all the picnic things,’ said Mum.
‘I’ll do that,’ said Biscuits.
He wasn’t all that keen on swimming either. But Dad practically pulled us in.
It was f-r-e-e-z-i-n-g. Biscuits and I stood shivering, hugging our elbows, knees knocking, feet solid ice.
‘Come on, you two, get in properly,’ Dad yelled. ‘It’s lovely once you’re under.’ His teeth were chattering too, and his face was purple.
‘This isn’t my idea of fun,’ said Biscuits.
‘You can say that again,’ I said.
‘This isn’t my idea of fun,’ said Biscuits.
‘You can say that— aaaah!’ I yelled, because Dad suddenly splashed me.
I splashed him back. And Biscuits. They both splashed each other. And me. Suddenly we were all jumping about and it wasn’t quite so cold. It was almost fun.
It was freezing again afterwards, on the beach getting dry, but then we had our picnic and this was very much Biscuits’ idea of fun – and mine too.
Afterwards Mum laid back and had a little sunbathe. Dad did too. They both started snoring gently, little smiles under their sun-hats.
‘Let’s build our castle!’ I said joyfully, because the tide had gone out far enough now and had left gleaming wet wondrous sand just waiting for us to build the best sandcastle in the world.
So we set to, Biscuits and me. I pretty soon realized it wasn’t going to be as easy-peasy as I’d thought, even with good sand and sharp spades.
‘It’s a bit too much like hard work,’ Biscuits panted, leaning on his spade. ‘Shall we have a sunbathe too, Tim?’
‘No, let’s make the castle, please. Look, you gather shells and seaweed and stuff for decoration if you want a bit of a rest. I’ll carry on,’ I said nobly.
I carried on. And on and on. I thought of my vision of a castle bigger than me. Now I wondered about a medium-size castle. Or even a small one. I’d only managed a very small mound, so I decided to go for miniature perfection instead of massive bulk.
I squatted down beside my castle and tried to mould it into shape. It was far more finicky than I’d thought. Sand got right up my nails and invaded the legs of my shorts. Little gritty bits embedded themselves in my knees. I tried to fashion a little drawbridge but it was hopeless. My arrow-slit windows weren’t exact enough. The tower kept wobbling and collapsing.
‘That’ll do,’ said Biscuits. ‘Here, we’ll stick little shells in front to make a path, right?’
‘You don’t have a path. We could make a moat. And fill it with water from the sea.’
‘Oh-oh,’ said Biscuits. ‘Something tells me that sounds like hard work.’
We didn’t have a bucket so we had to make do with old paper cups. We ran to the sea and filled them up and ran back to the castle and tipped the water in the proposed moat. It immediately disappeared down through the sand.
‘Rats,’ I said again. I stared at my lop-sided little castle with its empty moat and sighed. ‘It’s not much of a castle, is it, Biscuits?’
‘I think it’s a super castle,’ said Biscuits. ‘Truly. A fantastic creation. Practically the Eighth Wonder of the World. Honest, Tim.’
‘Ooooh! Let’s see this super-duper castle, eh?’ said a loud voice behind us, making us both jump.
Two boys had crept up behind us. One was about our age and very pale and pinched looking. He didn’t look very tough but his smile was spiteful. He was the sort of boy you treated with caution.
The other boy was much bigger. And much tougher too. His hair was shaved so short it was just prickles, which looked as sharp as spikes. If he head-butted you you’d get severely perforated. He was the sort of boy that made Red Alert Alarm system, buzz inside your brain.
He was wearing great big Doc Martens even on the beach. I looked at the boy. I looked at the boots. I knew what was going to happen next.
‘What a dinky ducky castle you two little cissy boys have made,’ he said, his eyes beady. ‘Shame it’s just sand. Someone could accidentally trip and . . .’
He kicked hard. The castle collapsed. He laughed. His mate laughed.
‘You! You big bully! I saw that! You kicked my Tim’s castle over deliberately!’
Oh no. It was Mum. She came rushing towards us, red in the face, her dress still tucked up to get her legs sunburnt.
The boys spluttered with laughter.
‘Mummy’s boys!’ said the big prickly kicker. ‘Don’t worry. We’ll be back.’
They ran off, laughing and laughing.
Biscuits and I didn’t laugh at all.
Prickle-Head and Pinch-Face were going to get us!