This case study shows how I used a set of worksheets to pose questions about the seven principles in the Prospect Street dinner community I helped create. Your answers should reflect you, not the dinner community.
When I first arrived at Yale in 2007, the woman who’s now my wife, Socheata, and I moved into a small townhouse on Prospect Street. We had been living in New York for about six years and knew virtually no one in New Haven.
Years earlier, I had met Lolita Jackson, a wise and experienced political coalition builder, who has now served in senior positions with successive New York mayors. This is unusual for anyone, even more so for an African American woman. Lolita taught me the importance of scheduling time to invite others to “intimate experiences.” She explained to me that meeting people at parties, hanging out with them at bars, and saying “Hi” to them at conferences didn’t count toward creating deep and meaningful relationships. There’s nothing wrong with meeting at large events, she said, but intimate experiences are what builds a relationship. This is true in religion, politics, business, and life.
At some level, Lolita explained, this wisdom comes down to math. The number of real friendships you’ll create is related to some function of how many intimate experiences you create. To create experiences, you have to schedule them. You have to prioritize them in your life, understanding that these experiences can deliver what you want—a group of friends who would stand together in tough times, enjoy the calm times, and celebrate the happy times. More important, it would create social change by collecting skills, wisdom, access, money, and strength that can be found only in community.
I also wanted to live the wisdom of C. S. Lewis and escape the never-ending cycle of the inner ring. He said that the way to escape this was by engaging in something you liked to do and inviting others to join you in it regularly. He predicted that, by doing this, we would create that which we sought. We would create friendships that to outsiders might look like an inner ring, but would be something else entirely because anyone sharing the values could join. The friendships would free us from the pursuit of the inner ring.
Combining their wisdom, Socheata and I had been hosting dinners for one or two guests in our tiny Queens apartment about twice a week for years. We developed some of our closest friendships this way. Now in New Haven, we had a slightly bigger home, and we could invite a larger number of people. We visited thrift stores until we gathered enough plates, glasses, serving dishes, serving spoons, and all the other stuff needed to host at least twelve people.
In the first week of my first semester, I sent out an invitation to my whole department, inviting anyone who would like to join us to share dinner on Friday night. Socheata and I made a feast. As I recall it, about eighteen people came, mostly strangers to us. We could not sit around our table, and so we spilled over onto our floor. Everyone wanted to make new friends.
It looked like instant success, but in the next six weeks or so I discovered a problem. Once the novelty of our dinners wore off, attendance dropped sharply. There were many things to do on Friday nights at Yale, and our home didn’t offer a lot of drama. Soon I didn’t know whether ten people, or only four, would join us. I never knew how much to cook or exactly when our surprise guests would arrive. In any case, I’d have to spend a good five hours shopping for and preparing a meal.
I began asking for RSVPs, so that I would know how many to expect. It was disappointing when friends would tell me they would join us, I would cook for hours, and then, just before dinner, they would choose a better option for their evening. It was so easy to cancel on this week’s free dinner when they knew there would be another next week. After enough last-minute cancellations, I began to question my worth. I wondered if what I was doing was worth the time, the grocery bills, and the personal risk inviting so many people, most of whom turned me down or ignored me week after week. I wondered who thought I was a loser because I’d invite so often and most would never come. It was lots of work, and not a lot of fun.
Sometime in the second semester, the stream of RSVPs and cancellations and the racing to fill canceled seats got to be too much. I created an online RSVP system so I wouldn’t have to respond to every request or cancellation myself. That week two friends told me that they didn’t want to be invited anymore because, with a sign-up system, it was now too “institutionalized.” Apparently, they preferred that I shop, cook, host, and personally note each cancellation and RSVP.
Still, the numbers grew, and our little dinner series became a bit famous and full. Some friends returned often enough to know where we kept our kitchen gear and how we set up, and of course they helped clean up after the meal. They were our regulars and a huge help. As the third year began, I knew we couldn’t continue as we had started. Serving a four-course feast for twelve to fourteen people every Friday night was exhausting and took up a big part of our lives. Those first two years, Socheata and I shopped for and cooked each meal. If we were to continue, we would need help.
One sunny fall afternoon, an invited group of our regulars sat in the Divinity School common room to invent a whole new system to continue the now robust dinner series. They loved the friendships and community that the series had created as much as we did. We decided that each of us would take responsibility for two dinners a semester as dinner leaders. We would each recruit the volunteers needed for our own dinners. In time, volunteers would grow to lead dinners themselves. Gradually, the dinners got better and better, as the new leaders brought their own heritage and fresh enthusiasm. Many hosts made old family recipes to share at their dinners. On two occasions, mothers were brought in from far away to help host and create family recipes.
We lived a bit more than a mile away from the central downtown Yale campus. Undergraduates had to either walk half an hour each way or take the campus shuttle to join us. Either option took about an hour round-trip. Nonetheless, about half of our guests were Yale undergraduates! This surprised me because Yale undergraduates have no fewer than twelve dining halls available to them each evening with organic salad bars, fresh-made desserts, and even brick-oven pizza. They all had prepaid credit for every meal. I wondered why they were spending so much time on a Friday night to join us.
One day, Courtney, one of our leaders, told me she was on campus talking on the phone about our dinner series. When she hung up, another Yale student approached her and, with the enthusiasm of discovering secret knowledge, asked if she attended “the dinners on Prospect Street.” The student wanted to know how she could get an invitation. We laughed about this. That was the day that I learned we had in fact created what Lewis had predicted. In two years, we had created what looked like an exclusive inner ring at Yale, even though our intention was to invite anyone who wanted to join us and share a sit-down meal.
I learned that in the social landscape of both undergraduate and graduate students at Yale, the number of occasions where they are invited to sit down for three to five hours, share a meal, and get to know others with no agenda is about zero. That the number of places where faculty, staff, or students can share deep conversation with someone outside their departments is also very small. At our dinners, we also included friends from outside the university and even strangers who somehow discovered us on their own.
I also learned that the concept of hosting a four-course sit-down meal, inviting strangers at no charge and with no hidden agenda, stretched the bounds of credulity for many. One fall, I got a phone call from a graduate student who asked me many times where exactly the dinners were hosted. I was confused because the location was specified on the registration site. Eventually I understood that she didn’t believe we were simply hosting a meal in our home to build friendship. She was convinced it was a secret bait-and-switch recruitment event, and she wanted to know what organization was hosting it. She hung up still angry because I wouldn’t reveal who was “really” running the show.
Within three years, there were few places on campus Socheata and I could go where someone didn’t know us as the hosts of the dinner series. Without question, the dinners became the founding place for some of our dearest friendships. Friendships created over a dinner table can and do change the lives of guests.
One night, an undergraduate I’ll call Janice met my friends Eric and Jane, who were both preparing for ordination as Episcopal priests. I didn’t know as I listened to their conversation that Eric and Jane were the first liberal social justice Christians with whom Janice had ever shared a conversation. In meeting Eric and Jane, she discovered a Christian world that was more welcoming and inclusive than she had thought Christianity could be. The conversation that night began her journey to come out as gay to her conservative Christian parents, and led her to found the first LGBTQ undergraduate social group in Yale’s three-hundred-year history.
About half the time, undergraduate students led our dinners. More often than not, they had no experience in preparing a dinner party for fourteen with multiple courses. In almost every case, they overestimated what they could cook and how quickly. These were near-disasters, although we tried to keep the standards high. I remember when one student got only about half of his meal prepared and frantically tried to complete more in a kitchen strewn with ingredients and dirty dishes. In that moment, I got an insight. While trying to help the student clean up before he began the next dish, I realized that we were doing far more than just serving meals and offering a space for friendship. We were training the next generation on how to be great hosts. I realized that many friends were coming to learn how to do this, and not just to experience it.
In the fourth year, our friend Arjan agreed to coordinate the leaders so I didn’t have to schedule dates or create guest lists and volunteer rosters. He did a far better job than I did. The following year, Sam took over the coordinating role and refined our system even more. Serving hundreds of people, the series ran more smoothly and had more smart, committed minds shaping it.
Since leaving Yale, I still hear stories about how those dinners changed the lives of our guests. One friend, who has an important position at Google, has told me that although he attended our dinners only twice, they’re among the highlights of his experience at Yale. Another friend has told me that everything in his life that he loves he attributes to knowing us (really!). The relationships he made in our home and community opened doors to the life that he has now, including meeting his now wife. Lydia told me she credits dating her now husband as quickly as she did because she got to know him at our dinner table.
This dinner series ended when we all left the university. But our relationships continue as we have spread around the globe, and some of our members have begun their own gatherings in their new home towns. May the friendships continue.
Communities must be defined at some level so prospective members can know if they belong (or want to run away).
What is the name or description of our community?
Prospect Dinners (or Friday Night Candlelight Dinners at Yale). We are people who like to cook and share long dinners together without distractions in order to build new friendships and deepen others.
Who is in our community?
People who live in or near New Haven. Mostly people who work or study at Yale, though there are exceptions.
Who do we want in our community who is not yet in it?
There are many in and around New Haven whom we would like to include. This includes others who value sharing dinners and conversation to build friendship. They may feel lonely or simply want to find others who seek deep friendships. They understand the value of participating with others to create a special, respectful space for friendship.
Who should not be in our community?
Those who prioritize a Friday evening to get drunk, be entertained, impress others, or escape in media. Those who are prioritizing a free meal. Those who prioritize dinner parties to show off culinary feats more than create friendship. Those who create a distraction from the goal of the event. Those who cannot be trusted to be respectful or safe in a stranger’s home.
What are core values of our community?
Our lives are deeply enriched by creating these things:
Deep friendship
Honest and thoughtful conversation about ideas
Creating a special protected space for welcoming others
Inviting strangers to know us and one another
How can we know these are the values?
Deep friendship: We listen to one another and offer support for challenges and goals.
Honest conversation: We create conversations for three to four hours each week.
Special welcome space: We set up a special place each week and welcome strangers to join us.
Inviting strangers: We make participation available to strangers. We encourage participants to invite anyone they like.
How can other people (current members as well as people interested in becoming members) learn that these are our values?
They can see how we create activities consistent with our values above. They can see the values explicitly referenced in our invitations. We reference these values at the beginning of each of our dinners.
Who does our community tell members we are? (in any part of our lives)
We are people who are looking for connection. We are people who enrich others by offering friendship. We are generous in our invitations and with our time.
What does our community tell members we should do? (about anything)
Spend time with strangers. Share long undisturbed conversations with others. Build new friendships to enrich our lives.
What does our community tell members we should believe? (about anything)
Welcoming and hosting others is important and generous.
Meeting strangers and spending time with them is fun and important. Presenting a dinner party is far less important than the relationships that form at the dinner party. Friendships make our lives and those around us far more fun and powerful.
What must full members believe to participate?
Sharing a meal together is a powerful tool to create and strengthen relationships.
Cooperating to host dinners is important.
Long, patient conversations are important and enrich lives.
Meeting new people, listening, and sharing are important and enriching.
What moral proscriptions in our community are different from those of others (at least one person) in the world?
It is important to invite strangers.
It is important to give all guests an opportunity to share equally.
It is important to talk about things that matter.
It is important to be vulnerable when creating a relationship.
It is important to honor hosts and guests by being on time.
We protect the ritual space and time for friendship building.
We protect the hopes, dreams, and potential of people in our space.
We protect those who extend themselves to present a meal and create a welcoming event.
What is unacceptable behavior?
Reserving space and not showing up without communication.
Attacking others at the dinner.
Committing to deliver an item or service and not delivering.
Eating and leaving without participating in conversation.
What do we share? (knowledge, objects, access)
Food
Time
Conversation
Knowledge
Friendship and community-building wisdom
Dinner party hosting skills and wisdom
With whom do we share these things?
People in, near, and visiting New Haven who want to join strangers for a dinner and build friendships.
Whom do we particularly respect?
The volunteers who fund and do the work to present the gift of a meal to strangers.
How do we show respect?
We offer help. We invite them to events first. We invite them to private events and meals where there are no outsiders.
What do our members want others to understand about them without having to explain themselves?
We are looking for friendship.
We want to be friends.
We want to be generous.
We want to share of ourselves by offering food.
We want to welcome others.
We want to know others in ways that can only happen with long conversations.
Communities have a boundary between outsiders and insiders.
Do we know formally or informally who is in our community and who is outside? (Even self-selecting communities have insiders and outsiders.)
Membership is mostly informal. However, members who volunteer more than once, lead a dinner, or sponsor a dinner are clearly on the inside.
How do we know when someone is inside?
For informal members, that they attend at least three dinners and volunteer during the event.
Who are our gatekeepers who can welcome new members? (informal or formal)
Any dinner leader or coordinator is a gatekeeper.
How do newcomers find and access them?
There are dinner leaders at each dinner. They are always identified and acknowledged.
Who maintains the boundary so that we know who is inside or outside? (This can be several people, or just one, and can be informal or formal.)
Socheata and I maintain the boundary. The series is hosted in our home. We can exclude anyone we like.
Has anyone ever been denied entry or rejected?
Yes. Anyone who registers for a dinner spot and then does not show up and never communicates about this is denied a spot in the future. We reserve space for those who show up for the prepared meals.
How was this enforced?
I told them they are not allowed to reserve another spot.
How do we prefer to enforce the boundary to protect the values in our community?
Any dinner leader or I can tell any visitor or member what is not permitted or when they may not attend.
Mature communities have stories by which they strengthen their identity and share values with newcomers.
What origin story about the community do you want newcomers to know and understand?
We want visitors to know that Socheata and I began the series in our first weeks in New Haven, in part inspired by C. S. Lewis’s inner ring wisdom. That we cooked all the meals for the first two years and that it became too difficult. That volunteers then took over most of the meals to welcome strangers from across Yale and New Haven to enjoy the time together.
Who was involved?
Socheata and I began the series. Lydia, James, Courtney, and Bjorn were early volunteers. Arjan took on coordinating all the dinners when they became too much.
When was it?
We began in August 2007.
What was the goal for the community?
To build diverse friendships that would enrich our lives and support us to create a greater impact for the rest of our lives.
What challenges were faced?
It was difficult to figure out how to invite people so that others would understand what we were doing, how to plan for the size of the dinners, how to invite enough volunteers, and how many hours it took to prepare the meals each week.
What was learned in creating the community?
We must be explicit that the relationships are far more important than the food.
We are teaching people how to host powerful dinner parties as much as we are hosting them.
Many people feel lonely and long for a specific time to make deep connections.
What story do you want newcomers to understand that reveal how the community core values were upheld when facing a challenging time?
Exploding Pyrex
The story about the time Scott exploded a Pyrex dish in the oven during the meal. That was when we understood that the gear that we use for the gatherings was simply there to be used. Breaking things is to be expected when hosting so many events. The experience is far more important than the equipment.
Ribs Night
The story about Jake making southern ribs for dinner and offering the lone vegetarian guest a microwaved veggie patty. This is the night we learned that we needed to honor every guest with a great meal and ensure that there was a good vegetarian option at every dinner.
When did the community or certain members fail, and what important lesson (or lessons) was learned?
Dumplings
The evening Jane and Phil could not feed everyone because they planned a meal that took too long to prepare was very disappointing. We learned that we needed to have patience with hosts who were themselves learning how to host, and that we needed to spend more time with them preparing what they planned to create. We needed to invest in training and supporting our hosts so they would commit only to what they could create.
What personal stories about members would you want all members to learn?
Charles and Socheata cooked all the dinners in the series for the first two years.
How Janice learned there were Christian communities that accept her for being gay.
How James met David over the dinners and they both went to Uganda to work for an orphanage that James founded.
How James and Lydia bonded over the dinners and then married.
How can members share their stories with others?
Over dinner conversation. And during the shopping and meal preparation time. Stories are also shared during kitchen cleanup.
How can newcomers or visitors learn stories about members?
Over dinner conversation when time is specifically left available for any subject.
What opportunity can you create so members can share their own stories and hear stories important to your community?
We could create a blog so visitors could submit their own stories.
We could include a link to these stories in our invitations.
Communities have an initiation ceremony of some kind, by which new members know that they are officially welcomed.
What is an activity that is understood as official recognition and welcome into the community? (no matter how small)
Listening to the wisdom about escaping the trap of the inner ring by creating friendship.
How can visitors become recognized as members?
They are explicitly recognized when they volunteer to present a dinner for others.
How do they learn how to become a member?
All guests are invited to contact the coordinator and offer to volunteer or lead a dinner if they are so inspired.
Would members appreciate an option for a more ritualized initiation?
Yes. It would be stronger to officially give permission for members to invite their own guests to the dinners. This could include a handmade card that they can share with others as an invitation.
Where do you prefer initiation to take place? (if anywhere) In the space where we host dinners.
What should be said?
Acknowledgment for their commitment to make a space for others to create connection.
Reminder that making change in the world takes a community. We who make up community are building the muscles and the tools to create profound change.
Reminder that we do all of this to change lives for the rest of our lives and for more people than we will ever know.
Permission to invite others to join the dinner.
Who leads or is present for the initiation?
The dinner coordinator or founding host
At least one dinner leader
What item do you give members to take and remind them of their belonging?
We will need to ask members what they think would symbolize the community well.
One idea is two pair of handmade chopsticks because they symbolize coming together and sharing a meal.
Another idea is a candle holder to represent preparing a welcome table for others.
What privileges do members gain when welcomed inside the community? (Closer connection, respect, more access, and understanding all count.)
They get closer connection with other members.
They get trained on hosting dinner parties to build connection.
They may invite anyone they like to join a dinner.
They have access to the members contact list.
They get to participate in a tribe bigger than themselves.
Mature communities have rituals that honor important times or events.
What activities are important rituals for the community? (Even if unlabeled. Hint: if you changed the activities, members would feel their absence and be upset.)
The opening dinner ritual
Gathering around the table for the welcome
Identifying first-time visitors
Sharing the series tradition history
Referencing Lewis’s inner ring
Sharing the series intention to create friendship
Sharing the menu
Inviting the leader to share a prayer in any language and tradition that is their own
Changing seats before the dessert course
Sitting down again for dessert presentation
Serving a chocolate, fruit, and tea course so guests know they can stay
What events, transitions, or memorial moments do members appreciate are recognized by the community?
Visiting parents, family, or friends
Success in school applications, job offers, fellowship awards, and so forth
Struggles with medical or academic challenges
When and how do members display their participation together so they can see others in the community?
The dinners themselves are displays of participation together.
The menu planning, shopping, and meal preparation are all done privately.
When do members play together as a community? (sporting events and celebrations count)
The dinners are a kind of play. There are private events like concerts, pie making, and house parties where members also gather for celebration.
What activities do your members appreciate doing together that are special? (Feasting, sporting, silence, singing, toasting all count.)
Cooking
Eating
Sunday lunch
What ritual tradition do you prefer to continue? (if any)
The opening dinner ritual is very important to continue to offer solemnity and intention to the event.
Who, preferably, is present?
Leader
Volunteer
New guests
Who preferably leads?
Dinner leader for the evening
What preferably is said?
Welcoming
Sharing the series tradition
Referencing Lewis’s inner ring
Sharing the intention of the evening to create friendship
What do you pass on or leave behind to remember?
Right now we only offer memories and invitations for the future. We could make the experience more powerful by offering a token for guests and members to take with them. This could be a set of handmade chopsticks or a pendant of a Maltese dog. The Maltese reference can be useful because our Maltese attends each dinner and is a big feature for university students without pets. Further, she is mentioned in each dinner invitation.
Mature communities have a special place where members gather and enact rituals. These can include play or honoring rituals.
Where do members gather to enact rituals? (even play rituals)
At our home on Prospect Street
What is the most important place?
Our home on Prospect Street
How do you make that place special when the community gathers?
The space is cleaned and garbage removed.
A dining table is set up to accommodate exactly the number of guests registered.
At least one candle per guest is lit on the table.
A meal of at least four courses is prepared for serving.
The lights are dimmed.
What spaces are special other than a main place? None come to mind.
When are these spaces special? (for example, all the time or once a year or other frequency)
At least once a week. Other times we gather for impromptu meals or dessert together. The space is also used to celebrate birthdays, success, and failure.
How do you designate the spaces as special? (Inviting people to the place for a specific time counts.)
Invitations go out.
The space is cleaned.
A fresh meal is prepared.
What are the most important symbols for your community?
Gathering around the table and sitting down in unison
The candles on the table
The set table
Our Maltese dog, “Friday”
Slippers (offered to each guest when they arrive)
What do they represent? (Each will represent several things.)
Gathering around the table and sitting down in unison: patience and presence
Welcoming
Generosity
Play and fun
Preparation
A sacred gathering
Who uses them, and how are they used?
All items are used to prepare the space for an event.
The dog was mentioned in every invitation and offered for cuddling to all guests.
How did they become symbols?
They were used for years.
They were distinctive elements of our dinner series.
What tokens do/could members keep and what meaning do/could they hold?
Handmade card that could be used to invite others
Candle
A distinctive serving bowl or other service piece to use in the future
What could they could mean?
Membership in a community and a ritual that matters
Generosity
Welcome
Play and fun
What are the names for the inner rings in your community and the privileges for each? (Please don’t create new inner rings that aren’t helpful.)
Visitor: Guests who participate in the dinner series
Novice: Guests who participate in the dinner series
Member: Volunteers who learn how the series is created and invite guests
Elder: Dinner leaders who select a menu, choose volunteers, and invite guests with priority access
Senior Elder: Coordinators who can veto the menu and give access to the venue to anyone
Principal Elder: Founding hosts who protect the boundary, shape the ritual, choose priorities, and can veto the menu
How do members enter the inner rings?
They tell any dinner leader, coordinator, or host that they want to become more involved.
How do members learn the path to inner rings?
They can be informed by the coordinator or the hosts.
How do senior members show their concern beyond themselves?
Senior members not only care that they have a good time but that all the guests have a good time. They will do any task that is needed for success.
The diaconate holds authority in these areas: policing the boundary, officiating at rituals, and teaching community values.
Who represents the diaconate in your community? (They are probably called something else, and may even have no title.)
Charles and Socheata
Sam
Arjan
How do members know that those people are the diaconate?
Charles and Socheata are the hosts.
Sam and Arjan are identified as the coordinators on the registration website and at the events.
How can others join the diaconate?
They participate enough that they are trusted to run the operation. If they ask to have more responsibility, it can be given by any of the diaconate.
How do you know whose contribution is valued more than others?
Charles and Socheata host the events in their own home. They choose what can and cannot happen.
Mature communities teach members to succeed at something they want (making supportive friends counts).
What do your members want to succeed at? (Creating safe, deep and connected friendships counts. So does learning a skill.)
Make deep friendship
Host meaningful dinner parties
Learn dinner host etiquette
What outward skills are they learning? (informally or formally) (How to be a supportive neighbor, support new friends, and make a safe neighborhood count.)
Cooking
Table setting
Scheduling
Tea making
How do they learn?
Working alongside more experienced members
Experimenting
Reading online resources provided by the community
What wisdom are they learning about internal mental and emotional health?
Hosting is about sharing welcome and dignity far more than about serving food.
Preparing a special place takes time and patience.
Keeping personal integrity is critical to making a space others want to enter.
How do members understand something is not as it seems to outsiders?
Dinner parties are not successful because the food, decorations, and invitations are elaborate or expensive. They are successful because the host makes a space where each person is expected and a special place is prepared for them.
The dinners are meaningful because the host offers an intention about relationships and gives permission to talk about important topics, fears, loves, and hopes.