A ritual is any practice that marks a time or event as special or important. The actions are imbued with meaning. They connect the present with things in the past and our hope for the future. The psychologist Roy Baumeister conducted a four-hundred-person survey to distinguish happiness and meaningfulness. His research indicates that “meaningfulness” involves understanding our own lives beyond the present time and place. It comes when we reflect on what came before and how we’re connected to the future. Meaningfulness comes when we integrate now with the future and past. Our health, wealth, and relationships change. Meaning creates a feeling of stability in the midst of change. Rituals are a tool to bring meaning into our lives.1
Anyone who’s spent time in and among religious traditions has noticed that there are rituals for virtually every stage of life, times of happiness, sorrow, and hope. Marriages, death, and even dancing are all ritualized. One of my favorites is the Turkish Sufi whirling dance. It’s performed at a kind of sacred concert to attain a trance state. In a totally different way, I admire the Quaker (Society of Friends) meetings, which start silent and can remain entirely so, as all present make themselves open to the divine.
I believe that because we live in a far more casual time than previous generations, the rituals we keep are even more special now because we don’t turn to the institutional rituals of previous generations. In our American lives, blowing out birthday candles, roasting a turkey for Thanksgiving, and sending flowers and cards on Mother’s Day are all rituals with which we are so familiar that we may not even recognize them as such. One way to recognize a ritual is to ask whether removing the activity would make the time feel less important. Think about how you and your friends and family celebrate birthdays. What activities indicate that birthdays are more important than other days? What activities make these days “special” for you?
Rituals often have forms (patterns) that participants recognize. We learn these forms after participating in them when the time is right. For example, for birthdays in the United States, we expect a ritual birthday party form that looks something like this:
Friends and family are invited to one place and told there will be a birthday celebration.
Someone prepares or purchases a cake for the celebration.
Someone lights candles on the cake that in some way represents the years lived.
After a meal and unstructured social time, guests sing for the birthday girl or boy.
The birthday girl or boy blows out the candles as fast as she or he can.
Cake and ice cream are served.
Presents are opened.
Hugs are shared with the birthday girl or boy.
A weekly, monthly, or annual dinner with friends can be a ritual if the gathering becomes special to you. You may even have a friends’ gathering that you never thought of as a ritual, but it’s a special, even sacred, time for you. You’ll get excited in anticipation, you’ll arrange your schedule to be available, and you’ll arrive prepared in whatever way is important.
My guess is that there are already rituals in your life that you haven’t even noticed. It happens all the time. Simple repetition can grow them unnoticed (although repetition does not necessarily a ritual make). For example, a monthly dinner may not start out as a ritual, but after five months in a row, when a friend says that she can’t come next time, you may be more disappointed than you had expected—because you’ve created a ritual without realizing it. It’s grown into something more than simply sharing a meal with a friend.
Or your grandmother makes a green Jell-O salad for Thanksgiving dinner for years (and years and years, if she’s like mine). One year she makes something else inspired by a New York Times recipe, and the guests get upset. Not because the new recipe is worse than the Jell-O, but because the ritual has changed. There was a familiarity and meaning in sharing that family green Jell-O once a year. Simple, unexpected, and unnamed shifts in ritual are the cause of many nasty fights over the holidays. Rituals can mean far more to us than we ever recognize explicitly.
Ritual intensity (how much it affects us) can be increased if we want to. Strengthening a ritual can make it (the activity) feel even more special and important. It’s important to do this only with activities that are meaningful to you. For example, imagine if on birthdays in your family, the candle-blowing element was changed so that it included everyone in the family bringing a candle, lighting it in order of birth, and sharing out loud one thing they appreciated about having you in the family for the last year. Then you share what you appreciate about each family member before blowing out all the candles. Wouldn’t your birthday celebration feel different, more special? Wouldn’t different values have been inserted into the ritual?
There are many ways to make even a simple ritual, like giving a lapel pin, feel more special. For example,
Begin with silence first.
Say aloud why all have come together.
Use a special place.
Touch one another (hand on back, hold hands, hug, etc.).
Transfer the pin.
Say aloud what is now changed.
Ritual silence can be very powerful. Simply keeping silence together can be a powerful part or a whole ritual. It can mean that the relationship is so close that not everything needs to be said aloud and not every moment needs to be entertaining. In a world where every second is filled with talk, music, or alerts, creating the space for silence can be the most powerful time together possible. In my experience, almost every community appreciates a silence ritual when there’s painful loss. When I was a chaplain in a trauma center and attended to families in the worst hours of their lives, I saw how important it was for them to have someone sit with them in silence, and even someone who would protect the silence, so they didn’t feel the need to say anything. Silence together can be the most powerful time.
Rites of passage are important (and not common enough). They’re the most common ritual to notice in communities. This rite is where the community acknowledges someone is passing from one status to another. This can be from one age to another (a birthday), from student to alumnus (graduation), or from follower to leader (promotion or inauguration). The initiation to membership is a rite of passage from outsider to insider. In this rite, the community acknowledges the maturation and growth of a member.
Celebrations often are connected with these rites. The importance of rites of passage and similar celebrations cannot be overstated. They help us feel proud, worthy, and complete as we make important transitions. Whether we’re receiving recognition ourselves or offering recognition to someone else in such rituals, we feel valued and connected. My friend Rose-Anne told me how meaningful it was for her when her employer created a ceremony to acknowledge employees who had stayed with the company for certain milestones. She told me that the company gathered employees together and gave gifts according to years committed. To this day she cherishes the candlesticks given to her in that ritual honoring her five years of service. She also felt awe for the recipient honored that day for thirty-five years of service.
These rites are so important that some conflate the ritual (which is a recognition) with the actual maturation or achievement of a person. For example, in President Barack Obama’s first inaugural oath, some words were incorrectly quoted. The law was clear that he was nevertheless officially president. But enough people were concerned with the ritual formalities that the swearing in was performed again in the Oval Office to satisfy any lingering concerns. It’s important to respect the power that others place in rituals. It’s a power just waiting for us to use as we bring people together.
Community display rituals reveal the community to itself. There must be collective displays of participation and community membership. This means that there should be some activities where members can see other members participating as well. The scale and the strength of the community will at least partially be revealed here. These rituals can include anything from formal dress ceremonies to cooperative community service, organized competitions, or anything that displays collective participation. A community where everyone participates individually and invisibly will lack a deeper cohesion.
Play rituals are very important. Communities must have an opportunity to play together. My favorite play ritual is eating together. When meals are ritualized, they become a feast. Virtually every community feasts together in some way. In the United States, Thanksgiving has become the most important feasting ritual for many families and friends. Hosting the feast has become a rite of passage for many young family members and new Americans.
Playing sports and singing are also common. I visited a Hash House Harriers runners group in Chicago. Hash runners are part of an international group that plays a type of runners’ game. This includes a pack of runners following a trail laid out earlier by a member who includes dead ends, doublebacks, and misdirection. The runners emphasize socializing far more than fitness. After the Saturday run, we sat next to a lake to enjoy barbecue. While we were all relaxing, some of the Hash members unexpectedly broke into raunchy comedic songs. In the best way, they were demonstrating a community ritual of play and, of course, their insider knowledge. They had a lot of fun, and I felt privileged to be their guest.
It doesn’t occur to many people to create new rituals that aren’t already part of the group’s traditions. But even if a ritual is not yet steeped in tradition, it can still be deeply meaningful. In fact, it could be more meaningful because it reflects your time. For every ritual you appreciate, there was someone who originated it and then people who developed it over time. You can be part of the tradition of creating ritual. So how can you create ritual for your community that matters?
I have created many rituals over the years and am still often surprised by how important and powerful they are, both for my friends and for me. They can be minutes long between two friends (like kneeling to ask someone to marry you) or weeks long among thousands of visitors (the Olympics). They can include singing, talking, bowing, or just silence. I’ve learned from ritual study to include some fundamental elements to make the experience feel deeper and more fulfilling. I call this the “foundational form.” It can be used for multiday events (like many weddings) or even a fifteen-minute initiation ritual. It’s not important how long each element is, only that each part is truly meaningful to you and your community. I offer the form here as an inspiration only: please create rituals that work for you and make you feel complete and connected.
1. Welcome
2. Intention
3. Reference a tradition
4. Explain events and instructions
1. Share wisdom
2. Invite participation
1. Acknowledgment
2. Sending
Welcome. The welcome marks or “punctuates” the beginning of the ritual time as distinct from the gathering time, or unritualized time. It lets the people who have come together know that the next activities are special (sacred). It’s sometimes called the “collect” because it collects the people. Such a collect can begin a meal or a sporting event. In the welcome, all who are gathered are called to focus their attention on one person. That person offers a special welcome to all who have come. This can include acknowledging how far they traveled, what they have given up, and how their presence is important.
Welcome to our first dinner for international fellows and families series. I acknowledge and thank you for driving here, trusting your friends who told you that this is worth the time, and choosing to spend your evening with us instead of so many options available on a warm night. This is only fun because you join us, share your company, and participate fully. Thank you so much for making this possible.
Welcome to James’s birthday party. I know that some of you took off work, rearranged your schedules, drove over an hour, and hauled children and gear here to join us. It means so much that you’ve done this. Without you, this is simply a room with food and cake. You make this special. You are special. Thank you.
Welcome to the Oakland games. We have athletes here who have trained for over a year, sought out sponsors, and committed much of their own money to participate this week. We have family members here who have flown thousands of miles to support, accompany, and cheer you. And we have volunteers here who have committed hundreds of hours to ensure that this is a special and important time. I thank all of you for making this happen and sharing this time and your work. You are all welcome in this community as we begin this week’s adventure.
State the Intention. The intention of the gathering is stated explicitly. This can be a single intention or several.
We are here to award degrees to our newest graduates, who have completed all the coursework and requirements of the university. We honor you today so that you know you’re forever a part of this institution and ambassadors for it wherever you go.
We are gathered for our annual Alejandro family Thanksgiving feast. We’re here to celebrate the holiday, give thanks for our abundance, and share time together. Our friendships are by far the most important part of the evening: we’re here to share ourselves and strengthen our friendships far more than anything else today.
The world’s best winter athletes are gathering in the Olympic Villages. With the Olympic Games we want to show the host country and the world that such a peaceful society is possible, that competition among people can happen in harmony and with respect for the dignity of all. Nelson Mandela said it quite simply: “Sport can change the world.” And, indeed, we contribute to a better society. We contribute to peace. We want to prove that respect for rules, respect for your competitors, and respectful dialog can transcend all differences.2
Reference a Tradition. This is the time to let everyone know that the activity at hand stands in a tradition or is at least informed by one. This reminds us that we’re part of a community that came before us and will likely carry on after us. If neither of those things is true, then you can state that you’re beginning a new tradition. You can always say what person, philosophy, or experience inspired the activity at hand.
James and Rena are marrying here as the fourth generation in James’s family to marry in Honolulu since his great-grandfather immigrated to this island. Rena is the fourth in her family to create her own family in the United States since she and her family emigrated from Cambodia.
Tonight’s dinner comes in the fourth year of this series. It started three and a half years ago here in Brooklyn. Dozens of people have volunteered. Hundreds have participated. The series was inspired by the wisdom of the English writer and theologian C. S. Lewis, who in the 1940s warned of the allure of the inner ring, our own desire to be in a group cooler than our own. He said one way to escape this is to regularly invite others to do something we like to do and create friendship. This is what we continue to do tonight.
In just a few moments, the Olympic Games will officially return to London for the third time. Thank you, London, for welcoming the world to this vibrant city yet again. For the first time in Olympic history, all the participating teams will have female athletes. This is a major boost for gender equality. In a sense, the Olympic Games are coming home tonight. This great, sports-loving country is widely recognized as the birthplace of modern sport. It was here that the concepts of sportsmanship and fair play were first codified into clear rules and regulations.3
Explain Events and Instructions. This is where participants learn what will happen in the ritual. It doesn’t matter if the allotted time for the ritual is fifteen minutes, two hours, or a week. The explanation orients participants who may be unfamiliar, confused, or even frightened. They will feel more at ease and may even get excited when they learn that you have a plan. If there are rules, then this is the appropriate time to share them (for example, there will be silence, no electronic devices may be used, or newest members sit first). If your ritual has only one “event” (such as placing a pin on a shirt), then you can explain this. If you would like an element to remain a surprise, one option is to tell participants that there will be a surprise. They may appreciate the anticipation.
I’ll explain how tonight’s Thanksgiving feast will go. I’ll explain the menu so those of you with diet restrictions know what’s appropriate for you.
When I’m done, Anne will lead a prayer. The buffet will then be open. Grandchildren will go first, making a plate for their grandparents and taking it to them at their tables. Then please help yourselves.
In the other room, you’ll each find a seat with your name on a card. At your tables you’re encouraged to listen to what’s abundant in the lives of the guests around you. This is only a suggestion.
After the main course, you’re encouraged to help put away leftovers and wash serving dishes.
After dessert, all are encouraged to help clean the kitchen.
You may stay as long as you like. We’ll have plenty of room on the floor!
For this evening’s birthday blessing, we’ll have a reading from Thomas Merton and other historical religious social activists.
Then letters will be read from friends who could not be here. Stephanie will read the first, and then we’ll go around the circle so each person reads a letter until all are read.
We’ll then have a seed planting to remind us that our actions grow after we’ve walked away and in ways we cannot always predict. Each of you is welcome to plant seeds at that time.
Finally, we’ll all gather around Naomi and lay a hand on her. If you cannot reach her, then touch someone in front of you. The leader will lead the prayer.
There will then be something we’re keeping a surprise.
After, we’ll all go in the other room to share our celebratory meal together.
Tonight’s event will transition the training week’s focus to your work ahead. All participants will remain silent in your seats.
I’ll read a passage from Daniel Berrigan about commitment to change. Then, keeping our own silence, Laura will call out your names.
When you hear your name, approach her. She’ll give you an envelope that contains a gift just for you.
You’ll keep silence and take your gift out onto the property at least one hundred yards from this building. You’ll find a private quiet place, and only then should you open your gift.
You will not speak to other participants or interrupt their privacy until at least 10 p.m. At that time, this event will be officially concluded.
If someone wishes to keep his or her privacy later, please honor this preference.
We now have five minutes open for questions, and then we’ll begin.
Share Wisdom. Read aloud, quote from memory, or summarize wisdom from anyone important to your community or this event. This can be one simple line or much more. The reference tells participants that the community values wisdom that enriches our lives and is doing something more than making up silly things to do. The examples below are very short. You can use something more substantial. Including wisdom that’s more nuanced, poetic, and familiar to you can be far better than my examples.
I remember the wisdom of Thomas Merton, who wrote, “In the end, it is the reality of personal relationships that saves everything.” You are my friends, my most important relationships. You save me from everything. I am so grateful.
This is a difficult time. In times like these, I remember the words of the activist priest Daniel Berrigan: “Know where you stand, and stand there.” Today we stand here together. You have my respect and honor.
As we begin, I remember the wisdom of Bill Golderer, who created a radical feeding program in Philadelphia: “Be brave in your invitations.” I’m so proud to be brave here with you as we do this together.
Invite Participation. Rituals are much more fun when all are invited to participate (instead of simply watching). I like to make sure that everyone is invited to do something. This is in contrast to pressuring someone to participate. Sometimes it’s a rich experience simply to be present while others participate more actively. Those who choose to participate less actively may simply prefer a more contemplative participation. You can invite participants to do any activity that works for the space and intention. This is the part that many rituals leave out and that makes them boring.
Ideally the activity connects and adds to the ritual’s symbolism. This means that there should be meaning to the activity, and the meaning should not be too literal. The activity will exist as a symbol and require interpretation. It’s perfectly okay if different participants are invited to do different things. For example, participants might be asked to
Present something
Share words or something crafted
Plant a seed
Wash something
Pass something around
Read something aloud
Hang something up for display
Reveal something in the space
Write something
Draw something
Decorate something
Offer a gesture to others, including a hug, bow, or hand touching a shoulder
Acknowledgment. The acknowledgment states what’s complete or changed after the ritual. This gives a sense of accomplishment (no matter how humble) for the ritual. The acknowledgment can be as brief as one sentence or much longer.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Welcome. You’re now our newest member.
Again, we’ve spent time building friendships, and the evening has made at least my life richer and, I hope, yours as well.
Sending. The sending is a way to mark the close of the ritual. In words that are either metaphoric or literal, a leader “sends” participants out into the world to continue life. The sending provides an emotional end to the ritual and gives all a kind of permission and punctuation to reenter nonsacred space and time. It connects us to the future.
Patricia, you’re now a full member. You’re a part of our community that builds friendships that change lives, lifts us up when we are weak, and celebrates with us when we are strong. To celebrate this time, let us all leave this place and share drinks in the next room as friends.
Our Thanksgiving feast is coming to a close. You may all stay longer, even overnight if you prefer. I also know that some of us need to get on the road soon. Thank you for making this year again a special day for all of us, a reminder that we have friends and family who care about us. Please take leftovers with you, drive safely, and let us know how your year goes before next November. Happy Thanksgiving.
This week has been deeply moving. I’ve made new friends whom I hope to have forever. I’ve learned a lot about leadership and vision. I’ve been inspired by what I learned that you’re creating. In fact, I can’t wait to start helping right away. I hope this is true for all of you as well. We created this week to strengthen leaders who are enriching the world. It looks like we’ve done this. Now that it’s the end, please go back to your homes and your communities and help them to be as inspired with their vision as you are now. The world desperately needs more inspired people. We thank you for being part of this.
As your community grows through time, it’s almost certain that you’ll discover that you have rituals (or boundaries or symbols or stories) in place that no longer serve the community as well as they could or should. Communities are dynamic, and so should be the ways you use the seven principles.
The best way to handle this is to reflect on what you want your rituals to mean in this time to the people you include now. You can use elements from the past to keep in touch with your history and tradition and then replace and add elements that excite you. It becomes an artistic and, I hope, fun balance.
Remember the Thanksgiving example, where people might want routine. While you’ll be upset if Grandma’s green Jell-O isn’t on the Thanksgiving table, you’d probably also be upset if the Thanksgiving meal were exactly the same as it had been in 1949. The guests have changed, and likely the location as well. Perhaps in addition to the turkey there are now vegetarian entrées and a more diverse menu. New guests have brought in dishes from their own traditions.
Is it meaningful to include food traditions that come from your guests’ families? Is it a good idea to change timing to support families with babies and long drives? Can the table be set differently to accommodate someone in a wheelchair? Only you can know based on the kinds of values (like belonging) you want to incorporate. If you’re stuck keeping your traditions exactly the same, then know that you’re likely maintaining something that will grow less meaningful and appropriate for a community that won’t remain exactly the same.
A dynamic community needs dynamic growth in its rituals. All symbols and rituals serve their purpose for a time. They shape people, communities, even nations. And time moves on. The history and meaning behind a ritual and symbol is revealed and understood with new perspective and sensibilities. People will ask whether should we hold to our tradition or should we release the past and adopt new symbols?
Consensus is never easy in these times. Seeking consensus is useful, perhaps necessary. But the process, no matter how well intentioned, rarely offers a better solution. Whether we choose one position, its opposite, or some middle ground, there will always be some left upset. In the end, good leadership will realize that the ultimate responsibility cannot be dispersed to the larger community. This is one of many leadership moments that requires a brief consultation with an inner compass. A decision to create the future instead of simply towing the past must be made.