It had started raining the day before, and not stopped. On the way to the bread shop, I’d seen drivers get out of their cars to attach wipers. I wondered how many would forget to take them off again and lose them forever. It was one of those rainstorms where the drops feel much larger and wetter than normal. My coat still wasn’t quite dried out from then. I gave it another ineffectual shake and put it on.
I was due at Alison’s for two, but it was a Friday. I’d promised myself to go to the gardens today, and I couldn’t let the rain stop me. I wanted to see Sandra again, but I needed, at least, to try to deliver the letter before I did.
My Metro line went to Prospekt Mira, so I didn’t need to change. I walked over the wet chessboard floor, past the cream marble and gold mouldings, and carefully negotiated the steps up to the street. The dezhurnayas had kept it very clean. I held the letter inside my sleeve, having found out that nothing stayed dry in the pockets.
Already drenched, I continued through the rain until I found the entrance for the Apothecary’s Garden. The tanker trucks which washed the dust from the streets every day in summer, were washing the streets in the thunderstorm. On the wall was some graffiti I’d recently learned to translate: ‘Ленин Жил Ленин живëт Ленин будет жить’. Lenin lived, Lenin lives, Lenin will always live.
A large double gate was closed, but the single gate on the right was open. I paid and went into the garden. There were paths to the left and right and a pond in front of me. I’d grabbed a simple map, and saw that there were two ponds, one rectangular and one more natural in shape. Which one would Sandra have called the lake? I decided it would be the larger, natural one, the one out of sight of the entrance. At least I could tell her I tried, but I hoped this was a waste of time.
There didn’t seem to be anyone else outside. I checked my watch – ten to twelve. If I went in the greenhouse I’d seen on the map, someone might decide to take me on a tour. I headed to the lake.
The rain was not letting up at all. I kept my hood up and my head down, but the rain didn’t roll off because my coat was so wet already. I stood under a tree next to the lake and tried to look like a tourist. Now that I thought about it, why would Sasha approach me? Sandra hadn’t been able to meet him to say that I would be there in her place. I could, at least, have waited until the following week and not come in a rainstorm.
I shivered. The cold was soaking right into my bones. I heard a noise behind me and turned, but I couldn’t see anyone.
I stared at the lake, watching the splashes on the surface, watching it for so long that it started to seem like a rippling, monstrous lizard skin.
I checked my watch again. The smell of the rich, damp earth and beaten flowers was fading as I stood there. Either I was getting used to it, or I was getting a cold. This was ridiculous. Sasha wouldn’t know me, I didn’t know Sasha. I had no idea what Sandra wanted to pass on. There was still a few minutes before twelve, but I left, heading towards the exit.
The rain got even heavier, and I didn’t hear the man approach me. His hand rested on my shoulder and I turned in alarm. He was much older than I expected Sasha to be, easily late fifties, with heavy eyebrows and a serious expression.
‘Sandra?’ he said.
I shook my head. He looked away searching for words. The rain ran from the brim of his hat.
‘Sandra go?’ He mimed away, with his hand. ‘Informatsiya Sandra?’
His face was slightly tense. The fact that he didn’t speak English made me trust him more.
‘Ya skuchayu po ney.’
He missed her. I pulled the soggy letter from my sleeve and held it out to him. He took it, nodded his head, and walked back the way he’d come.
I regretted it instantly. Shivering, I headed back to the Metro.
Alison looked at me in horror.
‘Strip off,’ she said. ‘I’ll get you my dressing gown.’
I was shaking all over by now, wet through to my bra and pants. I went into her bathroom and stripped, wringing each item as much as my stiff hands could. I towel dried my hair, and emerged to a cup of tea.
‘I wasn’t expecting you to come out in this,’ she said. ‘You really need a phone.’
I knew that. Kit had finally told me that he didn’t have a phone because in the hotel he’d been called at night by women wanting to come to his room. He tried leaving the phone off the hook, and the receptionist knocked to insist he replace the receiver as it was messing up the switchboard. As if. His only respite was to wrap it in clothes and put it inside his suitcase. I didn’t know whether Charlie had been alone in a hotel before Alison arrived, and I didn’t think that Charlie would have been as resistant to the phone calls. So, I didn’t explain why we really didn’t have a phone.
‘Kit says there’s no point having something you’re reluctant to use.’
Bobby was sitting on the sofa with a book. He waved and then ignored me; we wouldn’t be exploring today. I sat at the dining table.
‘So, what have you been up to?’ asked Alison.
‘Um, learning Russian. Reading. Not much.’
‘Have you seen Sandra again?’
‘No.’ I moved my hands around the cup, trying to soak up more heat. ‘Have you been up to much?’
‘Yes. It’s much easier in the holiday. Everyone has been planning for this the whole school year. Maybe when Bobby goes to school, I’ll become an organised mother.’
‘You’re sending him?’
‘Yes, well, with number two coming along, I think it’s for the best. Charlie said he’ll get a car so I can drop him off at school.’
‘When are you due?’
‘November. So, if it’s anything like last time, I’ll be active until the end of August, and then it will all start slowing down again. Quite good timing, really.’
I was glad I had Sandra. If I’d been relying on Alison to keep me company, I’d be stuck.
Alison refilled my cup. ‘So, I was going to ask you a favour. While I’m mobile, I wanted to plan a trip to Helsinki to stock up on baby stuff, and clothes for Bobby too.’
‘And toys,’ said Bobby.
‘And toys. And I’m sure there are things you could do with. Maybe for the kitchen? Or books? They have a good English selection in this shop I’ve heard about.’
‘That sounds great. So, Charlie can’t go?’
‘No.’
Alison looked away, and I wondered what he had planned for that time. She blinked a few times. I hoped she didn’t ask about the night he was supposed to be with Kit. I couldn’t lie for Charlie.
‘Will you get UPDK to organise it all?’
‘Either them, or the Russian department at the embassy. I don’t know, Charlie will sort it out, hotels and stuff. To be honest, it would just be nice to go away for a bit and not worry about what you say or who you speak to.’
I noticed the silence, then. Alison saw me look at the record player.
‘He won’t have any noise when he’s reading.’ She nodded her head towards Bobby.
‘You’re being noisy with the talking,’ he said.
‘Not that noisy.’
‘You’re going to be busy,’ I said.
‘Yes. What are your plans? You really need one for when it gets cold. You won’t want to explore quite so much in the autumn.’
‘I want to get much better at Russian, maybe do some translations. I see Galina twice a week, but it’s not much. So, I’m going to look at doing a proper course, like a degree.’
‘I’m not sure you can, with your visa.’
‘Maybe I can just get more hours with Galina, then. And I really need to go shopping. I’ve totally avoided it so far. I can’t face asking Natalya to let me go with her.’
‘That’s her name? Your maid is called Natalya?’
‘My nanny was called Natalya,’ said Bobby. ‘She played with me.’
Alison left the table and began to bang plates around in the kitchen.
‘It’s probably not the same one,’ I said.
Alison coughed and cleared her throat, then shouted through. ‘Charlie got hold of some baked beans. I’m not sure how they will go with rye bread, but that’s what we’re having for lunch.’
‘Perfect,’ I said.
I could hear Alison sniffing occasionally as she opened the can and poured it into a saucepan to heat. Nice saucepans. That’s something I could get from Helsinki.
The rain continued to fall against the balcony window. I got up to look out of the window. The cars drove along Vernadskogo, some with their lights on, and I was sure a couple were missing their wipers. There was a lot of surface spray and I could see sitting water on the road, where they hadn’t built in a proper camber.
It was peaceful watching the cars, imagining the noise and cold, without being a part of it. My clothes were probably still dripping in the bathtub, and I had yet to walk home. But not right now. I pulled the dressing gown more tightly around me and thought, I could get a dressing gown too. That was one of the things I never thought to pack. A swimming costume, swimming hat. Once I started writing a list I could see it being way too much. I’d been content until I had the chance to get more. Maybe that’s what it was like, living here. If you can’t get it, you don’t think about it. Somehow, I doubted it. I still felt as if I was on holiday. It was a temporary state for me.
The phone startled me.
‘Can you answer it?’ shouted Alison. ‘It’ll just be Charlie. Tell him I’ll call him back.’
I grimaced and answered. ‘Hello, it’s Martha.’
‘Ah, Martha.’ Charlie hesitated. He didn’t even sound embarrassed. ‘I was ringing to speak to my wife. Is she there?’
‘She says she’s busy with lunch and will call you back.’
‘Well, this applies to you as well, I suppose. Can you tell her, when Bobby isn’t around, that I have some bad news.’
‘What is it?’
‘Can you tell her that we have retrieved Sandra’s body from the river. As I say, when Bobby isn’t around.’
‘Has, um, has her husband confirmed this?’
‘Yes, of course.’ He sounded distracted. ‘Thank you.’
He put the phone down. Shaking, I stood there, blinking. Bobby was pretending to read, his eyes flicking towards me. I gathered the teacups and took them to the kitchen, closing the front room door and the kitchen door. Alison was buttering toast.
‘What did he say?’
I whispered, ‘They found Sandra in the river.’
‘In this weather? What was she doing?’
‘I mean her body. She must have drowned.’
Alison looked at me. ‘On purpose?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Was there a note?’
‘I couldn’t ask anything. He doesn’t want Bobby to hear about it.’
‘Well, I can’t say that is a surprise.’
I watched in disbelief as she just carried on. Alison took the pan and spooned out the beans onto three plates. She looked completely normal as she took them in.
‘Table, Bobby.’
We all sat, but I couldn’t eat my beans. I’d only just seen Sasha, or someone who I hoped was Sasha, and Sandra was found dead. It had to be a coincidence. Whatever Kit said, there was such a thing. There had to be. But there was one line which cut through the rest of my thoughts, the questions, the guilt, the uncertainty – Lenin lived, Lenin lives, Lenin will always live.
I tried to go back to talking when Alison spoke to me, but only single words seemed to make it out of my mouth.
‘You’re taking this quite hard, Martha. Or are you sick? My uncle died after being caught out in the rain.’
I looked at her, wondering what she was talking about, and why she wasn’t surprised by any of this.
‘I’ll phone Kit, shall I? Ask him to send the car for you?’
The rain was still falling as if there was never going to be an end to it.
‘Please.’ I went to put on my wet clothes, then I waited for Pyotr in the doorway of the building.
Sandra’s body was sent back to England. We had a service for her in the embassy before she left. The Anglican Chaplain came over from Helsinki for it, as St Andrew’s was closed. For that week of reflection and preparation, I was expecting someone to come to me and say they’d found a suicide note and I was mentioned in it. I deserved to be blamed for something, but no one ever mentioned a note. In fact, no one ever mentioned suicide, or anything but a tragic accident, a slip and a fall.
Emily stayed next to Sandra’s husband, Albert, throughout the service, and her husband made an odd speech about Sandra that seemed to be applicable to ninety per cent of diplomatic wives in Moscow, but not that one. I thought back to the excitement of her yeti tales and manipulation of the physical world, and remembered her in my own way. We followed the coffin to the airport and, tight-lipped, Albert accompanied his wife home to Britain.
I asked Alison whether he was coming back.
‘I hope not,’ she said. She wouldn’t say anything else about him.
The temperature had dropped to about 14 degrees. It felt as if summer was over. I knocked for Leila a couple of times at her boyfriend’s apartment, just to speak to someone who didn’t know Sandra, but she was never in.
Kit took me to the bar at the Metropol and we sat on the sofa in the corner, with a clear view of the room, drank too much and held hands. It was the closest I’d felt to him since I got here, and I felt a fraud.
‘No more tears, Martha,’ he said.
‘But all the women here, Kit. The men have jobs that they want to do. Why do the women come here?’
Kit kissed my hand and leaned back. ‘Most think their marriage will be better if they do. Which doesn’t always work. Some think they will be valued for their sacrifice, just part of the job description. I don’t think they understand what an impediment boredom is. Maybe they don’t get bored. I don’t know. But are you all right, darling?’
‘Yes. I really am. Sometimes it gets a bit much, but I wouldn’t have missed being here for the world.’
He squeezed my hand. ‘I’m glad.’
My heart was beating hard as I sipped my drink. ‘What have people being saying about Sandra? About why she did it?’
‘Just lonely.’ He smiled in that tight-lipped way that suggested the end of the conversation.
‘She didn’t seem lonely,’ I said. I struggled to phrase my question. ‘Was her husband nice to her?’
Kit looked away. ‘I don’t know him. No one knows why she did it. Emily thinks it’s because Sandra refused to be one of the embassy family. Turned down a chance to be in the choir.’
‘Oh. So did I, but you won’t find me in the river.’
‘Good.’ He patted my hand. ‘You might get a bit more attention for a while, trying to draw you in. But as long as you’re not lonely, I’d ignore her. You’re not, are you? I know I have long hours sometimes.’
‘I like reading, I like learning, I like exploring. I haven’t been lonely. I don’t think I’ll be seeing Alison as much, after Helsinki. She seems to have got into the whole mum scene. Which is fine, as it’s all going to be about the baby for months.’ I shook my head. ‘I will miss Sandra though. I thought she was really interesting. Did you know her?’
‘No. It’s very much a men over here, girls over there kind of place.’
‘Women.’
‘Yes, women.’ He smiled and closed his eyes.
‘Some men seem to cross that line.’
He opened his eyes. ‘Did Alison ever ask about that night?’
I shook my head. She didn’t need to ask. There was nothing I could tell her about Charlie that she didn’t already know.