SOLE CONCENTRATES AS SHE PEELS the last of the bandages away from my shoulder, inspecting the healing skin underneath. She ties up all of her things and walks toward the door, not bothering to speak.
We haven’t spoken much. Just updates on what’s happening outside my room. She seems calmer now than when I first woke up in this room. Every day her brow is a little less furrowed, as if me getting better makes more of a difference to her than I expected it would.
I look up when the doorknob turns, every inch of me going on alert. “I thought no one was allowed in here.”
Sole goes to the door and then steps back to let someone through. A little blond someone with green glass eyes. I smile, not sure where to put my thoughts or emotions. I’m so glad to see June, but at the same time, I don’t want anyone else I care about anywhere near me. All I seem to do is hurt the people I love.
How many times did I almost kill Sev? She came after me when she should have stayed safe. And now here I am, a monster in a new world where there isn’t a place for monsters anymore.
June walks to the bed and hops up next to me without asking, leaning against me.
“You shouldn’t be in here,” I rasp, because what I really, really want is for her to be here.
She looks up at me, her eyes wide. “Shut up, Howl. Stop hiding.”
Sole snorts, tamping down a laugh.
“I’m not hiding.” I look at the door. “There are real people out there trying to build a better world. One I don’t fit in anymore.”
“You’re my family.” June’s tousled curls are bright against my shoulder. “You’re mine and Sev’s. You don’t get to say no.”
“I’m not yours. I’m not anyone’s. I’ve been on my own side my whole life, June, and people aren’t going to understand that. They didn’t before.” When I close my eyes, I keep seeing Song Jie’s helicopter diving through the night in a burst of flames. He was made for revenge. He was just like me, ready to take everything from those who stole from him.
And now he’s dead.
I don’t want that to be me. But it is, no matter how much I try to change. I never wanted to kill or hurt people. To spy, steal. Lie. But those things are what kept me alive, and no matter how much I want to change, I keep falling back on my old bad habits whenever life gets tough.
I’m not safe. I never was. I make the wrong choices again and again. I am broken.
“Hey.” June pokes my chest, and I flinch, pain still a constant companion. “I got SS for you.”
“Exactly. You got hurt because of me. Sev got hurt because of me. That’s not family, or if it is, it’s one you shouldn’t want to be part of.”
June just stares at me, unblinking. “Sev knew she would probably die.”
My chest stills. Sev knew she would probably die and came after me anyway. Even after I begged her not to. I suppose things worked out this time. But what about next time, and the time after that?
June pulls my collar until I have to look at her again. “You don’t get to take responsibility for the things Sev or I did to protect you. So stop being such a gore hole and let her see you.”
Sole shifts by the door, her arms too tight around her medical bag. “Luokai was saying that choices are for us to make and others to forgive. That we can’t control who forgives or who hurts us.” She holds out a hand, as if she wants me out of the bed once and for all. “You and I know what it means to be afraid. For our lives, for our sanity. Our souls, if people have those.” She looks down, concentrating on the hand extended toward me. “I used to think I was brave, facing down every day, but I realized I’ve been hiding this whole time, first behind a gun and then inside my lab. Controlling what happens next by deciding to be alone.”
She looks up. “I said things I shouldn’t have. I was scared that everything I said about you was true about me. That I wasn’t a person worth saving.” Sole slides over to the bed. “I don’t think either of us can take back the things we’ve done, but we are in control of what comes next. And I don’t want you to believe that you have to leave to keep the rest of us safe.” Her voice is quiet. “We can still do good.”
Tears blur my vision. “Not enough.”
“Probably not. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want you here. Why do you think I wasted so many bandages on you? I love you, Howl. And you already have changed. You aren’t who you used to be any more than I am.”
June curls closer to me, wrapping her arms around my rib cage. “I don’t care what you deserve. We want you. Isn’t that enough?”
Sole smiles a little. “It’s not just about us anymore.” She looks me up and down. “There are people out there waiting for us.” She points to the door.
“That’s what I’m afraid of. I’m not what she—”
Sole rolls her eyes. “Your existence is not validated by one person’s opinion, Howl. If she doesn’t get it, that doesn’t erase you. Why don’t you go ask her what she wants instead of sitting in here deciding for her?” She turns toward the door. “That’s what Luokai did. Sat at the island alone, waiting to die. Believing—even after the SS restrictions lifted here at the Mountain—if he couldn’t come back without SS, then no one would want him.” Glancing over her shoulder, I see a glint of tear in Sole’s eye. “When in reality, it would have made a world of difference for both of us to have him here.”
I close my eyes, thinking of how I used to long to find my brother, how differently my life might have turned out if we’d been together.
June squeezes my hand and hops up from the bed. “You owe us.” Then she skips out of the room.
And I can’t deny that she’s right.