‘Your Honour, Mrs Perrins further submits that it is inappropriate for a woman who has appeared in the kind of motion picture in question to represent this old and greatly respected American family in this historic litigation.’
Jordan paused, understandably not quite sure how to address the detail with Judge Morrow. Tomorrow didn’t respond, and I had the distinct impression that he had no intention of helping Jordan out, so Jordan started to thread his way delicately through the cloud of judicial silence.
‘Obviously, we don’t ask that the court view this motion picture in open court… (silence). I don’t know whether the court has had the opportunity to view it privately in chambers… (silence). But it’s our position that the court must do so in order to fully understand what we’re dealing with here…’
Eventually, Tomorrow seemed to react. He reached across his desk and held up a DVD.
‘This is what we’re talking about, Mr Leslie, is it? Revenge of the Zombie Cheerleaders?’
There was a certain amount of chuckling and sniggering around the courtroom, including some from Dave and Ellen to my right, from which I deduced that they had felt it to be their duty, as the government’s lawyers, to scrutinise the evidence, even if they didn’t have a horse in the race.
‘Yes, Your Honour.’
‘Would you like to hear my opinion about it?’
I heard Jordan swallow hard.
‘So, I take it that Your Honour has viewed it?’
‘How else would I have formed an opinion about it, Mr Leslie?’
‘Indeed, Your Honour, of course. And yes, both Mrs Perrins and I would be most anxious to hear Your Honour’s opinion about it.’
For the first time, Mary Jane Perrins, who had been sitting motionless behind Jordan, with her hands clenched tightly on her lap and staring fixedly ahead somewhere into the distance, ventured a slight movement, a nod of the head. I sensed Sam tensing up behind me.
‘Very well,’ Judge Morrow said. ‘Hear it you shall.’
He passed the DVD between his hands several times before replacing it on his desk, folding his hands, and leaning forward to address the courtroom.
‘A very wise judge,’ he began, ‘once declared that he wasn’t sure whether he could ever define hardcore pornography, but that he knew it when he saw it. That seems to me to sum it up perfectly. Pornography, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder, and as the beholder I have to consider what I have beheld. In my own opinion, this movie has no claim to be considered a masterpiece. It’s unlikely that Revenge of the Zombie Cheerleaders will challenge Schindler’s List or the Godfather trilogy for a place in the pantheon of the classics of the art of cinematography. Nor did it offer Miss van Eyck much of a vehicle for her talents as an actress, which I’m sure are far greater than depicted in this film.’
Tomorrow paused for effect, looking around the courtroom.
‘But in my judgment, it comes nowhere close to pornography. It’s the kind of titillating stuff you can find anywhere these days, on cable, and even occasionally on the networks – or at least, that’s what I’m told. Apparently, there’s a market for it. I’m not sure why, or what the market is, but I guess there must be one since they spend so much money making such films. But the real point is this: this movie may not be a work of art, but I’m sure it’s the kind of thing many young actors and actresses do when they’re starting out on their careers. There’s no reason for Miss van Eyck or the van Eyck family to be embarrassed by it, and it certainly gives Mrs Perrins no basis for questioning Miss van Eyck’s competence and suitability to represent the family as lead plaintiff in this litigation. I find that suggestion to be far-fetched and insulting, and frankly, it is regrettable that the court’s time has been wasted on it. Indeed, with all due respect to Mrs Perrins and the three absent residents of Boston, Massachusetts, the phrase “get a life” springs to mind. Accordingly, I reject that ground of the motion.’
The judge glanced down at his notes.
‘As for Mr Leslie’s first ground, I accept that Miss Harmon is more than able to handle this case as lead plaintiff. Her work, both in written motions and oral argument, has been of her usual high quality and she has access to help when she needs it. There is no need for the intervention of a bigger law firm, especially when such a firm would have a very limited time to get up to speed. I’m encouraged to hear that this case is coming down to few rather than many documents, and I hope that means that both sides will be ready for the next hearing in just less than three weeks from now. For the reasons I have given, the motion filed by Mrs Perrins and the three absent residents of Boston, Massachusetts to be substituted as lead plaintiffs is denied, as is the motion for Mr Leslie’s law firm to be substituted in as lead counsel.’
From behind, I felt Sam’s hand squeeze my shoulder. Judge Morrow departed the bench in his usual brisk manner, and Jordan was out of the courtroom almost as quickly, again without a word to anyone. Not so Mary Jane Perrins, who remained in her seat as if transfixed, apparently unaware that Jordan had gone. I turned to Sam and Arlene, and we had a quick hug, after which we said goodbye to Dave and Ellen, who seemed very satisfied with the outcome, and made our way towards the door of the courtroom. The press would be lying in wait for us outside the courthouse, but I felt sure that Sam wasn’t going to be too bothered by them now. Then, as we were closing in on the door, we felt a sudden rush of air, and Mary Jane Perrins appeared as if from nowhere, in front of us, blocking our exit.
‘You brazen hussy,’ she snarled at Sam.
For a moment, we were all too startled to respond. Arlene recovered first. Holding Sam back with her arm, she placed herself right in front of Mary Jane, almost in her face, and from where I stood, Arlene’s several inches of extra height looked intimidating. Mary Jane took half a step backwards towards the door, but kept her arms folded defiantly across her chest.
‘Jealousy is such a sad thing in a woman, Mary Jane, don’t y’all think?’ Arlene said after staring at her for several seconds.
‘Jealousy?’ Mary Jane retorted. ‘What reason do I have to be jealous of her?’
Arlene laughed.
‘Well, hun, they ain’t never gonna put your sorry ass in a Zombie Cheerleader movie. You can bet the farm on that. Now, you could get the lead in a remake of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, I grant you that, but in a movie where you have to show off your feminine charms? I mean, give me a break, hun; it just ain’t gonna happen, and I bet it’s eating you up inside.’
Mary Jane seethed quietly for a while, and you could see it building.
‘How dare you?’ she exploded eventually. ‘How dare you talk to me that way? You have no idea of my reputation in this family. I can –’
‘I know exactly what your reputation is, hun,’ Arlene continued, unperturbed. ‘You know how I know? Because I talk to people on the phone all the time, and I hear all about your reputation. And what I hear is, that y’all take the prize for Best in Show in the Pain in the Ass category, and it’s a long way down to second place.’
‘I’m going to –’
‘And don’t even think about trying to put the frighteners on me, Mary Jane. I’ve faced down the Texas mafia, hun, crazy guys with dogs and shotguns playing Willie Nelson on the sound system, so I sure as hell ain’t gonna be shaking in my boots on account of the likes of you.’
‘You –’
‘So why don’t you take the judge’s advice and get y’allself a life?’
‘You –’
‘And you can start by picking up y’all’s broomstick and flying y’all’s sorry ass home to Boston, Massachusetts.’
Mary Jane stared at Arlene for some time then abruptly brought her hands up to her face, burst into tears, turned around and bolted through the door. We stood together silently for some time.
‘Wow,’ Sam whispered.
‘Well, don’t hold back, Arlene,’ I said. ‘Tell her what you really think.’
Arlene threw her hands up in the air.
‘Well, I’m sorry, hun, but do we really have to take all this crap from her and not say a word? I’ve had it with that broad. The way she went after Sam with all that bullshit. She’s way out of line, and it’s about time someone told the gal some home truths. Besides, I wasn’t lying, hun. That’s exactly what they say about her. She could do Pain in the Ass for America in the Olympics.’
‘Thank you, Arlene,’ Sam said. ‘If you hadn’t held me back she might have got even more of a mouthful.’
Arlene laughed.
‘From you, darlin’? Now, that I would like to see.’
‘I can be direct when I have to,’ Sam protested.
‘I bet you can, hun,’ Arlene smiled. ‘I just beat you to it, is all.’
‘Come on,’ I said. ‘Let’s get out of here and face the music.’
We made our way down to the main entrance to the courthouse, where we found Jordan, standing by the security desk, looking somewhat bewildered. When he saw us, he walked right up to us.
‘What did you say to my client?’ he demanded of Arlene.
‘Nothing she didn’t need to hear,’ she replied.
‘She’s stormed off in tears. I don’t even know where she’s going.’
‘She’ll get over it.’
‘She says you called her a witch. What does that make me, a warlock?’
‘You, hun?’ Arlene replied. ‘No, hun, and I think I speak for all those present when I say you ain’t no warlock. Y’all are just a weapons-grade asshole.’
Outside, inevitably, Sam and I were cornered by a crowd of reporters and TV crews brandishing microphones and hand-held recorders. A female television anchor from the DC area led off with the question on everyone’s mind.
‘Miss van Eyck, how do you feel now about appearing in Revenge of the Zombie Cheerleaders?’
Sam smiled. She looked strong and confident.
‘It’s not the kind of thing I would do now. But I was younger then, I didn’t have an agent to advise me, and I was just starting out. When you’re just starting out, you can persuade yourself that having any kind of work is better than having none. You take a role like that because you persuade yourself that someone might notice you, some big-time movie director, perhaps, that you’ll be the one in a million. Eventually, you grow up and realise that there’s no big-time director waiting for you in the wings, and that maybe it wasn’t such a smart career move after all. It’s a rite of passage.’
‘So, you would advise young actors not to follow your example?’
‘Maybe. But I think it’s the kind of lesson we all have to learn for ourselves, and everyone has to make their own decisions.’
‘And you don’t think it reflects badly on your wider family?’
‘No. I agree with the judge on that point, and apart from Mrs Perrins and three other people who couldn’t even be bothered to come to court, I’m not aware of any members of the family who feel in any way embarrassed by the movie.’
Which said it all, really. After about ten minutes, the questions petered out, the interviews ended, not with a bang but with a whimper, and we went back to the office. The great van Eyck porn scandal was pretty much done.