“Our homes are not child-centered. They are God-centered.”
—AMISH MINISTER
I knew an Englisch mother who did not believe in correcting her child . . . at all. She was a brilliant, well-educated, delightful woman, but she was of the opinion that rules and correction stymied a child’s development. It was interesting to watch this philosophy play out in the child’s behavior and the parents’ struggle to raise him. He was a normal child with no inherent psychological problems that I could see; however, with no correction or guidance, he was the most poorly behaved child I’d ever known.
He wanted to play and have friends, but his behavior was so off-putting to other children that they did not want to be around him. He seemed to have no control over himself. I was present once when he went into a total meltdown and told his mother that everyone hated him. His mother comforted him by telling him that he was mistaken and that everyone loved him.
Later, I described the scene to a friend who was an experienced child counselor. The counselor said that children raised with no boundaries were usually miserable because they had no idea how to relate to others. She said a child raised without rules was like a car careening down the road with no guardrails. Everyone knew there would be a wreck; it was just a matter of time.
In a sociology class many years ago, the professor told us about a study done on children’s basic need for rules. On a large, inner-city school playground, researchers tested the need for structure with small children. They let the children freely play on a playground that had no fence around it. The children instinctively clustered close to the teachers who were standing outside watching them. The children were careful not to go near the edges of the playground.
The sociologists then erected chain-link fences around the playground. The behavior of the children immediately changed. They spread out all over the playground and their play became more happy and free. It was apparent that with the fence in place, the worry was gone and the children could enjoy themselves. There were clear-cut boundaries.
Not having rules is most definitely not a problem for Amish children. If there is one thing they have, it is structure and routine. Assigned chores, family meals with prayer, and sometimes family devotionals in the evening bracket and define their day. Regular church services punctuate each month. Frequently there are chores assigned to each specific day of the week: Monday is wash day if the weather is fine, Tuesday ironing day, and so on, much as our great-grandmothers lived.
There are also unwritten rules about relating to other children. In a society as closely knit as the Amish, kind and thoughtful behavior is imperative. Children are taught to respect other children and siblings as well as their parents and teachers.
I can’t help but compare that poor child’s out-of-control behavior with what I’ve seen of Amish children playing together. It is obvious that Amish children are taught rules and boundaries. They know that their needs and wants are not more important than the other children’s. They automatically compromise and also end up playing happily together because they have been taught kindness and forgiveness from the cradle on. Astonishingly, I’ve never seen an Amish child given a “time-out” or be told to go to their room. What I have seen instead is cheerful obedience by the children. Over and over I have asked Amish parents how they do it.
Once again, their answers surprised me.