Chapter 14

‘How are you getting on with your job applications?’

Hugh meant well with his questions, unaware that they only exacerbated his daughter’s suffering. Just at the moment, Claudia found herself unable to contemplate presenting herself at interviews and talking enthusiastically about the delights of opening young minds to the joys of mathematics.

She cursed herself for a fool for believing that Stefano would ever think of marrying her. She berated herself for allowing his sudden change of heart to drain her of all self-confidence. What difference had it actually made to her life? If you took that one day away, nothing had changed. She was now ready to proceed down the path that she had always planned out for herself. It was just that, for some inexplicable reason, it no longer held the same attractions for her.

Claudia was forced to admit to herself that the world had suddenly become a very different place. Her state of mind was the antithesis of the euphoria she had experienced throughout the day and night of the ball. Then she had been dancing on air, her spirits rising as she exhilarated in the joy and thrill of every moment. Now she felt weighed down by a burden that would not move. Each new dawn was a living nightmare, the struggle to get out of bed each morning growing worse day by day.

She went through the motions of living like an automaton. There was her immediate future that must be faced – she had to find a job. She compiled her CV, writing in the line requiring final examination results: ‘Not yet available – anticipated result based on previous examinations: 1st or good 2nd Class Honours’. She bought a Times Educational Supplement and scanned the columns for vacancies for maths teachers in the autumn term. Finding three in the locality near home, she sent for the application forms. When these arrived she sat down and painstakingly completed them, sending an accompanying letter stating why it had always been her objective to follow a career in education, specialising in teaching maths. She spoke of the pleasure to be gained from leading young minds through the processes of mathematics, helping them to reason problems out for themselves. She ended with the hope that each school would look on her application favourably, and then posted the necessary papers.

Before long she had been offered interviews by all three schools. She accepted, attended on the appropriate dates, on each occasion doing her best to persuade the interviewing panel that she possessed the qualities they sought. She hoped she was sufficiently convincing for them not to be aware of the layer of inertia just below the surface.

Believing maths teachers were in short supply she had decided not to delay her entry into the profession by taking a teaching qualification. Perhaps she had been overconfident – but she felt she knew instinctively how to put things across, and didn’t think she needed to waste a whole year being told how to do it. It seemed she had convinced the interview panel that she was capable as she was offered two of the three jobs. Mechanically she wrote her letter of acceptance to the school that was nearer to her home. Without any enthusiasm, she forced herself to read the curriculum, and start some lesson plans.

Then came the day when she knew she could not go through with it. That evening, when her father was at home, she went to speak to him.

‘I’ve changed my mind about teaching, for the time being, anyway. I’m going to have a complete break for a few months, well, until the next school year is coming up. By then I will know if it’s still what I want to do.’

‘What? I don’t understand! Why on earth have you changed your mind?’

‘I’ve been doing some thinking. It’s just that–’

‘Is this anything to do with Maria? You haven’t seemed the same since you got home and found she’d gone.’

Claudia hesitated. She longed to confide in her father, but couldn’t bring herself to do so. How could she tell him what she now proposed to do? Before she could say anything further Hugh spoke.

‘I know you miss your sister terribly. You two were always so close. Especially after darling Mummy died. If only she were still with us! She would have known what to say to you now. I’ve been a useless father, I know.’

He looked so thoroughly wretched, Claudia’s heart went out to him.

‘Look, Dad, it’s only for a year. I just want a break, to think things through.’ His bewildered look told her she would have to say more. The bombshell would have to be dropped. She stumbled on, ‘I have to tell you it was a dreadful shock when I found out about Maria and Stefano – that they’d married, and gone to Italy. You see, Dad, Stefano had proposed to me! You may well look stunned, but, I assure you, he did. That evening he came to Oxford for the ball … he proposed to me … I know it probably sounds absurd to you … but I’m telling you the truth … he did ask me to marry him.’

Hugh stared at her, his mouth hanging open.

‘And I accepted … and now … and now I just can’t carry on as if nothing has happened. I’ve made plans, and I want you to accept what I say. Please, Dad – you must do as I ask.’

‘Oh, Claudia … I had know idea … Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘I couldn’t … I’m sorry … It just all hurt too much. But now I know what I must do to get over it all.’

So she told him that instead of starting to teach she wanted to go away. She insisted that it was the only way she could find the inner resources to pick up her life again. During that time there were to be conditions which he must promise to respect. She would make a telephone call once a month, to assure him that she was well, provided that he made no attempt to trace her. Once the time was up she would return, and start her career. She felt fairly certain she would still want to teach, and by then she would have achieved the frame of mind to do it.

Hugh found her plans bewildering and deeply worrying. He had thought she was looking pale and unhappy … in fact, hadn’t looked herself for some weeks. But he couldn’t see how such a plan would result in the healing process she needed.

‘How will you live? What will you do for money? Why must you go away, when I would do all I could to try and help you here? I know I’ve always been rather involved in my work – but now I know you need support, I really would do what I could. I can’t bear to think of you in some unknown place, away from everyone you know. Without me, or Maria.’

‘But that’s the whole point. It’s only by being among total strangers that I will be able to get back on my feet again. I need my own space so that I can come to terms with the past and start trying to face the future. I can’t cope with seeing your concern because I’m looking pale, nor can I take on the responsibility of a classroom full of lively children. I’ve got to have some time to think so that I can work things out. I know it’s a lot to ask of you, but I implore you, Dad, please trust me and accept that this is the only way. Please, please let me do it my way.’

The tears were beginning to roll down her cheeks. Hugh took her hand.

‘If that’s what you’re sure you want, then I must abide by your wishes. You have my promise that I will observe your conditions. But in return you must grant me one thing. I want to put some money into your Post Office Account so that you can take the account book to any post office anywhere in the country and draw money out should you need it.’ Seeing she was about to object he went on, ‘No, don’t deny me this. I shall write you a cheque straight away, and you must promise to pay it in. You don’t have to use the money, if you don’t need it, but I shall sleep a lot easier at night if I know you have this facility at your disposal.’

Claudia, realising it would be better to give in on this point, agreed. As she turned to go her father asked, ‘When will you be going?’

‘Very soon. But I won’t tell you exactly when. One day you will come back from work and I shan’t be here. I’d rather do it that way. I don’t want any emotional goodbyes.’

Hugh wondered what ‘very soon’ might mean but did not have to wait long before finding out. The very next day he came back to an empty house.