GLOSSARY

If you ever want to be a big business, you have to talk like a big business from the start.

Major companies don’t ‘do’ things, they ‘perform’ (as in: ‘The company has performed well this year’). They don’t ‘have’ things, though they might ‘enjoy’ them (‘We enjoyed a 50% increase in sales’). They are not ‘run’, they ‘operate’. They are not ‘helped by’ anything, they ‘benefit’ from something. They don’t ‘buy’ but they do ‘acquire’. They don’t ‘make deals’, they ‘conduct transactions’. Their figures ‘say’ nothing but they may ‘reflect’ something. Their problems and opportunities are not ‘seen’ but ‘identified’.

A number of expressions of this sort might prove useful when trying to camouflage the size (and condition) of your enterprise:

Unlimited opportunity for growth The business is now at rock bottom.

Room for improvement remains It can’t get any worse.

Disappointing results Total disaster.

Predict Hope for.

Expect Wish for.

Anticipate Pray for.

Put assets to work Sell off assets to cover losses.

Prioritise Cut.

Selective purchasing Constant prioritising.

Prudent financial management Selective purchasing on a massive scale.

Rationalise Make excuses for.

Unique product Product no one else is brave enough to try to sell.

Temporary cash-flow crisis Time to jump out of a top-floor window.

Shortfall Long fall (usually by the finance director from a top-floor window – see above).

Market segmentation The process of dividing humanity into the nice people who might buy your product and the ungrateful scumbags who won’t.

Cyclical market Why you are not to blame for the dramatic drop in sales.

Adverse market conditions Failed to sell anything.

Reactive marketing strategy Waiting to see what turns up.

Opportunistic marketing strategy Hoping something will turn up.

Keeping all our options open No strategy whatsoever.

Strategic A useful prefix that can be placed in front of almost any business expression to make it sound more impressive.

Improved performance Things didn’t get noticeably worse.

Perceptible improvement One you might just see if you look hard enough in the right place.

Notable improvement One that you don’t have to look too hard for.

Significant improvement One so apparent that even an investor might notice it without your having to point it out more than six or seven times.

Healthy profits Any profits at all, unless they exceed all expectations (see below).

Profits exceeded all our expectations You accidentally made a profit when your accountant told you not to for tax reasons.

Interim dividend A method of getting one’s cash out of the business in a hurry.

Learning curve Why you have no idea what you are supposed to be doing.

Stable Stagnant.

Exciting opportunity Long shot.

Considerable boost Lucky break.

Long-term prospects The boss’s favourite daydream.

Cautious but positive outlook The directors are stiff with Valium.

Redeployment Someone gets fired.

Restructuring Everyone gets fired.

Repositioning the business in the marketplace Looking for a completely different business to go into.

Diversifying Cutting one’s losses in one’s existing businesses.

Highly geared Heavily in debt.

Recapitalise for new development Get someone to extend your existing loans.

Expanding overseas operations Seeking some market, any market, that wants what you offer.

Subject to macroeconomic factors Totally out of control.

Slowdown in growth Dead stop and into reverse.

Economic downturn Business sinking fast.

Serious economic downturn Going under for the third time.

Severe economic downturn Glug, glug, glug.

Debtors Blood-sucking leeches who refuse to pay you.

Creditors Blood-sucking leeches who insist that you pay them.

Development plan What you would do if only you had the money.

Increase in cash terms Decrease in real terms.

Asset rich No cash.

Increased asset value You have a lot of unsold stock on your hands.

Tax purposes Ancient and mysterious incantation used by accountants when asked to justify their more illogical recommendations.

Interest Money taken away from you when you don’t have any.

Income tax Money taken away from you when you eventually manage to make some at last.

Tax-deductible Reason given for the insistence that anything resembling a receipt is kept, no matter how small the amount, whether you need to or not (even if you’re not yet paying tax).

Opportunity to liquidise previously committed assets House repossessed.

Favourable long-term outlook Horrifying short-term outlook.

The relevant statistic The one that puts the business in the best light.

The real issue The one that enables you to quote the relevant statistic.

Broad-based approach You haven’t made up your mind yet.

Possible business contact Anyone you’ve ever heard of.

Good business contact Any possible business contact you’ve ever seen or spoken to, however briefly.

Networking Exploiting contacts ruthlessly.

Associate Good business contact who has been thoroughly networked.

Administration Paperwork.

Petty cash Contents of boss’s pocket.

Company reserves Contents of boss’s spouse’s pocket.

Management accounts Back of the envelope in which one’s bank statement came.

Finance director Expensive bookkeeper.

Administrative director The boss’s PA.

Marketing, HR and R&D director The boss’s spouse (on the payroll for tax purposes).

Customers Clients who insist on carrying something away in return for their money.

Clients Customers who are prepared to accept that you have given them something in return for their money without actually carrying it away.

Valued customer/client One whose cheque didn’t bounce.

Congratulations. You are now fluent in business lingo.

BLUFFING NOTES