When Crisis Strikes

MY CLOSE FRIEND JOSEF FACED his life’s worst nightmare when his ex-wife moved their daughter to the other side of the country on their summer holiday. His daughter was only a few years old at the time. Josef knew that his ex loved their daughter very much, so there was no danger to the daughter’s physical safety as far as he could tell—no need to call in the Marines, just the lawyers . . . maybe. Josef would likely be able to maintain contact. But still, emotionally, Josef felt his daughter had been stolen.

Josef confided in me about his emotional status on a daily basis. The breakup with his ex a year earlier had been painless, and they had worked well coordinating visitation, school, and after-school activities over the past year. A psychologist had advised the couple when they split up that it would be best that the daughter lived primarily with one of the parents so that she could develop good bonding skills. Josef had agreed to let his daughter live primarily with her mother. Since the mother was given primary custody, she could move the child on a whim. That’s what she did. Now it would be my job as a friend to help Josef survive his life’s worst nightmare.

I guided my dear friend through the first four steps of the model: getting a grip, pinpointing what he could control, pushing into motion, and pulling back. Then what?

Before him stood a tortuous journey. Unless I helped my best mate find a sound mental and emotional balance now, he would struggle to function at work, in private, and in his relationship with his daughter in the foreseeable future.

The start of this process of moving forward was for Josef to decide what to cultivate and what to downplay in terms of the person, father, partner, and colleague he wanted to be and to put in place a system to ensure he maintained that balance in his thinking, feelings, and behavior. The term balance became our mantra.

Hold On and Let Go

You are the center of your experience; that’s where all your thoughts, feelings, and actions originate—not in your partner, not in your parent, not in your child, not in your boss, not anywhere outside of you regardless of the central role these people play in your life. The key to balance is . . . you! I don’t mean this in an egotistical sense of your wishes and self-interests being paramount, but in the knowledge that you are fully responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions—and that’s all you can control. So that’s where Josef needed to find his balance—in himself. The theme of Step Five—the pinky finger in our model—is thinking balanced, feeling balanced, and acting balanced.

THE TWO ASPECTS TO STEP FIVE

1. Learn what to cherish and hold on to: Cultivate the personality traits, characteristics, relationships, and lifestyle choices that you want in your life moving forward.

2. Let go of the things that don’t support your well-being: Let go of certain thinking patterns, grudges, or personality traits that prevent you from being the person you want to be.

Your Positive Personality Traits

Before there was a crisis in your life and before you were a grown-up pursuing the everyday routines and tasks that grownups do, you may have had a season of life when you were young at heart, with infinite possibilities and few responsibilities. What positive qualities do you think of when you reflect on your personality traits, skills, and intellectual abilities from the time of your life with infinite possibilities? It could be anything: humor, curiosity, playfulness, intensity, orderliness, correctness, mischievousness, generosity; the list is as long as humanity is diverse.

Let’s look at a sample of positive strengths to inspire you to rediscover strengths from your past that you can cherish and cultivate for the rest of your life. Considerable research has been invested in trying to group people based on clearly identifiable personality traits, without any real success—by this I mean that things are really too complex to fit into neat categories like blood types. But that doesn’t mean that the research has been a waste of time. In therapy, terms describing personality traits can be used to help us better understand ourselves and to tweak our self-conceptions so that we can function the way we want to in public and in private.

One of the most commonly used systems to categorize personality traits is called the Big Five (also known as the Five-Factor Model). I’m not suggesting you force yourself to fit into a category, but the model is an interesting starting point for Step Five.

Make a note of one or more personality traits from the ones mentioned above or described below that you feel a kinship to in your current or earlier life. Then think about how bringing it back into focus in your everyday life can help you find your way back to a happier you. Here are some descriptions of close friends of mine who exhibit some Big Five personality traits in order to give you some inspiration.

Agreeableness

My close friend Neil is a good example of the trait of agreeableness. When we are playing an important soccer match with our two teenage sons and a younger child comes over to ask to play with us, he always says yes, to the extreme consternation of our sons. They are intent on beating their dads on their own.

Neil is kind, sympathetic, inclusive, warm, and considerate in all things. He treats his partner with the utmost respect and always prioritizes her in the scheme of things. He is faithful to his family and his favorite English soccer team—quite passionate about both—but he knows what to prioritize when push comes to shove. He is modest in his dealings with others, but a solid friend you can rely on when you need a hand.

In my view, one of the most impressive qualities in Neil is the way he treats his “bonus kids”—his wife’s children from her first marriage. In every aspect of his daily life, he is able to treat each of the children living in his house equally as individuals with unique needs, strengths, and challenges. One Christmas, when the father of his two bonus kids was going to be alone on Christmas Eve, Neil invited the father to join them for dinner. He made sure that the experience was enjoyable for everyone because he knew how important it was to his bonus kids that their father was not alone on Christmas. I know it took effort on his part, although he would never admit that. His ability to be so inclusive, empathetic and his desire to make any situation easier for those around him exemplifies the trait of agreeableness.

Conscientiousness

My girlfriend in college, Liz, exhibited the personality trait of conscientiousness to a tee. She was organized, efficient, and diligent. When she held parties, she would plan weeks ahead of time. She’d make detailed lists of everything: aperitifs, food, drinks, music, lighting, decoration, entertainment, and backup-plans for possible weather scenarios. (In Norway, we always need a plan A, B, and C to account for weather.) Whatever she set her mind to do, she applied the same systematic, professional approach. I loved this quality about her.

Extroversion

My friend Hedda is one of my favorite people in the world. She is married to a dear friend of mine whom I met when I first started my studies at the University of Oslo. Their house is always full of interesting people, and they are full of stories of all sorts of exciting social encounters.

One summer, when I visited her and her husband, they had a visitor from India staying with them. The visitor was a yogi who had come to Norway to get financing for an orphanage he ran back home in India. Hedda had spent half a year in India taking an anthropology degree and got to know a number of local families. One of these families put the yogi in contact with her. Hedda opened her home to this interesting individual on an important mission for his local community. It was not the first time she had opened her home to people in need of housing. I remember during our student days often entering the kitchen in the house we all shared and finding various international students sleeping on the floor; they had met Hedda out on the town in Oslo, and she would invite them to spend the night in our kitchen.

Anyway, the day I arrived for a visit, the yogi had washed his orange-colored garments and hung them to dry outdoors on the patio. He shouldn’t have done that: this is Norway, and Norway is all about weather. When I arrived, pieces of orange-colored clothing had been blown and scattered into every branch and treetop surrounding their house.

It was impossible for us to fish down half of these textiles. Generous as she was, Hedda bought new clothes for the yogi and showed him how to use the washer and dryer in their basement for the next time he needed to wash his clothes. The yogi ended up staying with them all summer. Yet another example of how Hedda’s warmth and extroverted personality brought her into contact with an amazing range of interesting people.

Openness

Another close friend of mine, Elin, is a prime example of the trait of openness. In her early twenties, she traveled throughout Asia on her own. Curious and free-spirited, she met other open-minded young people who were eager to explore and learn about alternative ways of living and thinking. Daring to question the straitlaced, conservative, small-town approach to life she grew up with here in Lillehammer, she traveled around the world for a year and a half without any return ticket.

Elin worked a short stint as an English teacher and art teacher at a home for orphaned children in a rural Asian community, where she considered adopting a young handicapped child without parents (but could not get permission as a single woman). Elin combines this trait of being curious and accepting of other cultures, religions, and perspectives with being one of the nicest, gentlest, and most empathetic people I know. She has a smile that can melt a million frowns. Her open personality allows her to see the genius of how other cultures have chosen to organize their lives to make life safe, healthy, and enjoyable for as many as possible. Her openness inspired her to make positive changes in her life that benefited not only her own family but also those of her friends and the local community.

Neuroticism

The only one of the original Big Five personality traits I haven’t included here is neuroticism. (I have saved it for the Let Go section later in this chapter.) Although it is the trait that is perhaps best supported in research as being reliably identifiable, it’s not a trait you would want to cultivate. In fact, it is closely related to overly expressed emotion, which is exactly what you want to downplay during a debilitating crisis.

THE LIST OF possible positive personality traits is in reality endless, so choose a trait or traits you feel is right for you to cultivate: being gregarious, intellectually curious, easygoing, loyal, faithful, diplomatic, and inspiring. The traits you had in your youth are still in you, so identify them and bring them home.

Your Positive Cognitive Abilities

As a neuropsychologist, much of the work I do on a daily basis involves assessing intellectual abilities such as memory and concentration skills. These types of intellectual skills are referred to as cognitive abilities, and they are different from personality traits. When I know a person’s cognitive strengths and weaknesses, I can help chart a way forward for the patient at school or work based on his or her strengths while adapting to the patient’s difficulties. Take, for example, a young boy who can’t sit still in class and has problems remembering his lessons. What is getting in the way of him learning? I want to know if he has impaired attentional focus (a cognitive ability), or if it’s just that his mind is full of thoughts about his parents squabbling or bullies lying in wait to hassle him on his way home from school. Giving the kid a pill to boost his concentration won’t fix a chaotic home environment or bullying schoolmates.

When I see a person in their fifties who is increasingly losing their keys and forgetting appointments, I have to ask if it is because their memory (a cognitive ability) is getting worse or because they are anxious or depressed.

Just as with the personality traits, the idea here is to identify cognitive strengths in you that will help you move forward in your process of healing and finding balance.

Let’s look at a couple of examples of positive cognitive strengths worth cultivating.

Emotional Control

Stopping thoughts and feelings or letting them flow out freely in words or behaviors is a cognitive function that takes place in the front part of your brain. But add into the mix a bubbling cauldron of high-octane emotional fuel generated in another part of the brain and your inhibitory function’s ability to play gatekeeper and keep the peace can be overwhelmed.

I have a friend, Anna, who has incredible emotional control. She works as a bartender at a local pub. On any given night, there will be a few fellows who imbibe a bit too much. Anna must deal with rude customers, rowdy revelers, and jerks hitting on her. But no matter what, she is unflappable. At the very least, I would expect her to throw a drink in some guy’s face, but she always maintains her cool. If you have this cognitive ability, consider it a strength that will come in handy during any crisis.

Creativity

Another colleague of mine, Elena, is a good example of someone who possesses creativity, which is the ability to see things in a new way, such as making connections between seemingly unrelated things. Elena is a psychologist and amazing at thinking outside the box and playing devil’s advocate in situations when everyone else is in agreement. Whenever all of the health professionals are completely in agreement, I always get nervous because it’s so easy to overlook something when everyone is looking in the same direction. That is when Elena throws in a torch to make us look more closely at the issue from different perspectives.

When it comes down to it, creativity involves expending the energy to think differently than default mode: default mode is easy and takes less energy. In stressful situations, it is certainly the easy route, but it is not always the best route to take. So applying energy to think creatively when in crisis mode can be an important investment.

Fun, Humor, and Silliness

I don’t know of any test in my neuropsychology bag of tricks that can test the fun factor in a person, but I guess most of us know it when we see it: when we do something that brings out the child in us, makes us laugh, makes us not care about how others are judging us (that damned self-conscious loop checking to see that our shirt is tucked in or our lipstick is on right).

It strikes me that very few of the patients I work with on a daily basis have much fun, humor, or silliness in their lives. Their lives are so serious that there is no room for silliness. Being serious all the time is like being stressed all the time—not good for your health. Having fun and being silly relieves stress. A good laugh can work wonders.

I know you may be going through something so terrible that you don’t have it in you to even think about fun or humor. And I understand that. It’s difficult to smile when your head is spinning and your heart is breaking. However, just try something: sit down and watch a funny movie or television sitcom. Even if you are not initially amused, commit to at least thirty minutes. Allow yourself to laugh. If movies are not your thing, put on your favorite dance music—be it swing, techno, or seventies disco—and get up and dance. Go on. No one is watching. Let yourself feel the rhythm and let your body go. I promise you, you will be smiling before you know it.

Working to put fun back in your life if you don’t have it is a healthy approach to reducing stress. I remember reading an article about a famous doctor who after getting a serious cancer diagnosis bought all the funny videos he could find and watched them every day. Not many doctors prescribe Monty Python videos for a cancer diagnosis, but it should be part of their repertoire. The endorphins and dopamine released when you laugh will lighten your mood and relieve your stress. Laughter has also been shown to stimulate your heart and lungs, decrease your blood pressure, and aid muscle relaxation. It seems to me that laughter is the best medicine.

Things to Let Go Of

So far, we’ve discovered strengths to hold on to and cultivate, but the second part of Step Five is to let go of what could be hurting you.

In the “Step One: Get a Grip” chapter, I mentioned that problems that are not faced and dealt with can later surface in the form of psychiatric symptoms. I’ve seen unresolved issues such as trauma, abuse, infidelity, and humiliation cause physical pain, concentration difficulties, anxiety, depression, anger, and even paranoia. Some of these symptoms can be induced by physical ailments, such as a brain injury or a thought disorder, and others can be self-inflicted from smoking marijuana or the excessive use of alcohol, drugs, and even some medications. The stress itself can also induce these types of symptoms. While serious issues need to be addressed and treated, you can work to let go of things that can be fueling the intensity of psychiatric symptoms.

Earlier in the chapter, I mentioned the Big Five personality trait called neuroticism. This trait is typically defined as having a tendency toward depression, anxiety, anger, insecurity, and perfectionism. These are not characteristics that can be changed easily, but becoming aware of your disposition can help you reduce their impact and adopt strategies to avoid the negative consequences of having these tendencies.

Addressing traits and response tendencies that cause you or other people pain can be an important strategy to improve interpersonal relationships as well. If you can learn strategies to avoid being excessively impulsive, rigid in your thinking, and emotionally insensitive, it will improve the quality of your life and the lives of those around you.

Let’s go back to Nina. How did she apply Step Five when working through the model? What did she decide to hold on to and to let go?

Thinking back about her childhood, Nina latched on to her earlier strengths of openness and agreeable personality traits. She brought back into her life a tendency to be positive to new ideas, values, and aesthetics and to be tender-minded to difficult issues, particularly relating to her children, her partner, and her father. She decided she would bring her earlier flexible and creative mindset to find new solutions and favorable outcomes in all her dealings with family members moving forward. She was always strong and knowledgeable in her verbal abilities, and she would seek to use these abilities to communicate more openly and constructively with all of her family members in her daily interactions with them.

She committed to letting go of her pattern of second-guessing herself, doubting her actions, and giving in to pressures to act in ways that were not consistent with her own ideas about how things should be done.

At the same time, she will need to be vigilant of the way in which her father will likely continue to trigger hurtful emotional responses in her that will potentially fuel negative spirals in her thinking. She will identify those thoughts and link them with feelings and events from her past that make sense of her way of reacting. She will use her strength in being kind to herself to acknowledge her intrinsic value, and to love and care for herself in equal measure.

Nina decides to work on temporarily setting aside the many challenges she faces in her daily life and to carve out a time and place to work on becoming more accomplished as an artist. This activity becomes her oasis, and she communicates clearly and straightforwardly to everyone in the family how important it is that they respect her need for this space for herself. Not least of all, she respects this need in herself, at times even ahead of other considerations. This is not egoism; it is finding a balance in her core, which helps her move forward from this crisis.

Moving Forward

Anyone trying to achieve a goal, whether as an athlete, a pupil, a parent, or a good friend, will face hurdles along the way. Expect it. We need to have the confidence to make it through and get help if we need it. And we need to regularly look back while moving forward to think through where we are in the process of working through our crisis. Are we on the right track or not? In some cases, conditions will change, requiring a recalibration of our approach. This looking back as we move forward must be done on a regular basis, depending on the duration of the crisis.

Notice your behavior and your recurring thoughts. Look at your relationships with others and how they are progressing. Are you fighting more? Are you more distant? Do you feel resigned and powerless in your relationship? How you interact with others and how they treat you can offer clues to what’s going on with you.

In Nina’s case, she is off to a sound start on moving forward on her journey through her crisis, but there are pitfalls ahead. Her father will not likely change his way of communicating despite her being open with him. Even if she does not expect him to change, a subliminal expectation of a change in her father will certainly pose a risk to her emotional state of mind. She will need to practice letting go of negative thought spirals. If she is not able to change the course of her destructive thinking, she will need to get professional help and perhaps even consider medication to help improve her ability to control her thoughts and emotions. She will need to hold on to her healthy daily activities such as sleep, nutritious meals, exercise, and social contact to make sure the basics are in order.

The aim of Step Five is to put you back in the driver’s seat of your life. You need to make a conscious choice about what abilities, strengths, relationships, or situations you should hold on to and let go of those traits and characteristics that are not serving you well. Step Five is about moving forward with a balance of strengths that will let you gain a confident stride. Know that you have the ability to regain some control in a situation that seems chaotic.

In an early version of our Five-Step model, we called this fifth step Fly. The idea was that now you had done the hard work of getting a grip on all the layers of a crisis, pinpointing what you can do about it, working through the actions needed to address the problem, and reflecting about your life situation. In this final step, you are consciously emphasizing the traits, abilities, and strengths that have always been who you are to put you in a place for a new beginning—with the faith in yourself to soar!