PART TWO

Applying the Five Steps

AS WE DEMONSTRATE HOW THE steps can be used for various life crises, it is important to keep in mind that the steps don’t magically solve the actual crisis itself. The Five Steps don’t speed up a grieving process, cure any chronic illness, solve a family or existential crisis, or absolve someone from memories of past traumatic experiences. The work here is about taking a step back and evaluating how the crisis fits into the bigger picture of your life—its meaning in the context of your life experiences—so you can start moving forward despite it. Our past experiences—going all the way back as far as we can remember—in part determine the lens through which we view crises when they occur, and they can leave us focusing on one aspect of the crisis, making it difficult for us to see how much power and control we really have. These steps are about you learning about you, making constructive changes to what you can change, getting help for what is beyond your control, and challenging the feeling of helplessness to a duel.

As you read through the following vignettes, keep in mind that there is no right or wrong here. You may read a story and think you would have done things entirely differently. You will notice how unique these stories and the outcomes are, because the people in the stories are unique, and the therapists (Kjell and I) are also unique, and we sometimes interpret the steps differently despite having created them. The point isn’t for you to do what these individuals did in their crises; the point is for you to see the steps applied by people who have been through the stressful crises most of us will (unfortunately) endure in life.

We hope reading these stories gives you confidence in applying the steps to your own crisis and helps you realize you aren’t alone in your suffering. Many people suffer through divorce, addiction, abuse, depression, or pain. A crisis is often isolating because our minds are trained to focus inwardly in these situations and it is easy to be caught in negative rumination. While these steps can be worked with someone, they are commonly done alone (or with the guidance of a therapist). While showing how others have worked the Five Steps is meant to encourage you to use them in your crisis, please reach out to someone if you feel overwhelmed, frozen, or overtaken by angst. If you don’t have a doctor to guide you, in most areas of the United States you can find a psychiatrist or therapist on the Psychology Today website or you can call your insurance company for a list of covered providers. In most of Europe, just contact the local public mental health care provider. You don’t have to endure your crisis alone.