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Jasmine
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This year’s WNBA All-Star game was being played at MCI Center in D.C., which meant there were family parties, official and unofficial, all weekend leading up to the game on Monday. I agreed to join Toni for some of them but drove my own car so I would not be stranded and could leave whenever I damned well pleased. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed being around the athletes, they provided plenty of eye candy. Dancing and mingling provided a much-needed distraction from what was happening on the day to day. And while Toni and I had a good time in general, T was constantly on my mind. By Saturday night, I had had enough, kissed Toni on the cheek, and drove back to Baltimore for some peace and quiet.
***
I must have been sleeping rather soundly because I certainly didn’t hear Toni come home. But it was one-thirty in the morning when I opened my eyes and felt Toni’s hand on my side. She was lying directly behind me, so close I could hear her breathing and feel her warm, bare skin. She moved her hand up to play in my hair, but I moved my head to get her to stop. She didn’t.
From previous experience, she knew I enjoyed the affection and continued to exploit my softening exterior. Her hand was now moving down my torso, to my thigh and calf, then back up. This was one reason I had not been able to walk away from Toni. She could be so sensual and gentle in my most vulnerable moments. But her touch at this moment seemed foreign. Toni continued to touch me, and my thoughts flashed to T. God, what is wrong with me?
I wondered what T was doing and imagined it was her here right now trying to seduce me. Our time together had been nice. I could be myself, act silly, laugh, have fun. But we also talked about a myriad of things. She was such a refreshing presence.
“Baby, baby?”
“Huh?” I responded, extracted from my thoughts.
“Turnover.”
Even though my mind was screaming “No!” I turned onto my back. Toni laid on top of me and pressed her weight in the right places. I was a sucker for her warm, naked body and Toni knew that. She moved my arms above my head and held them there, ensuring I couldn’t push her off of me. Her pelvic motion became more forceful.
“Baby, you know I love you.” Kiss on the neck. “I promise I’ll do better, I’ll cut back on hanging out.” Kiss on the lips. “I just have a little too much sometimes.” Kiss on the chin. “And then it’s not safe to drive.” Kiss in between my breasts. “You don’t want me driving under the influence do you?” Kiss on my left breast. “Then that’ll cause more problems.” Kiss on my right breast.
Her tongue continued where her lips left off and she licked my nipples ‘til they were good and firm. I wanted to be mad, but she wasn’t letting me do that. Whatever nipple she didn’t have in her mouth, she was squeezing between her thumb and index finger. When I stopped enjoying her mouth on me for a minute and started to speak, she put her fingers to my lips and then boldly put one in my mouth, which I started sucking without hesitation.
Toni knew she had me and instead of hearing my wrath, she decided to touch the buttons she discovered years ago. Since my breasts had been sweetly suckled, her southern travel recommenced. Skipping the preliminary licking around the edges, Toni plunged right in, simultaneously putting her finger inside of what had become an extreme wetness and wrapping her lips around my attentive clit. I couldn’t do anything except enjoy the attention and make a mental note to fuss later. The building passion I felt was a combination of desire, anger, confusion, and frustration. I wanted to scream that I was sick of her shit but then she found a sweet spot and “Yes, Baby!” came out of my mouth. Damn it! I hated when she manipulated me like this.
“Toni, no. Toni. Oh baby, yes.” I tried to push her away, hoping she was getting tired of my indecisiveness, but she wasn’t. Instead, the intensity increased. She reached underneath me and cupped my ass, pressing her nails into my flesh to apply extra stimulation. I grabbed her head and tried to pull her closer, but she was already as close as humanly possible.
It felt like Toni wasn’t holding anything back. Her tongue circled, flicked, licked, teased. Toni sucked and nibbled. Up until this point, I had thoroughly enjoyed oral pleasure from her and only her. Toni stayed out all times of the night but then loved me feverishly when she made it home, and I convinced myself that everything was all good and that that was enough.
I knew she was high now—which was probably fueling her overly active libido and aggressiveness—and despite being extremely irritated by that very fact, I couldn’t ignore that Toni’s tongue matched the pace of my thrusts. I faintly heard Toni’s muffled voice, “Uhmm, hmm. Cum for me baby. Work that ass. That’s right.” She squeezed, sucked, pressed, flicked, thrust, squeezed, sucked, pressed, flicked...
“GODDAMN TONI, THAT’S IT!” I screamed releasing months of pent-up emotions, gripping the bed while cursing myself for giving in to Toni again, and praying for the dawning of a new day.
***
I woke up before the clock went off. I set it to make it to seven forty-five service but woke up at six a little disoriented. I glanced over and saw Toni sleeping peacefully. Damn you—I needed to go pray about this! I quietly got out of bed; showered and dressed quickly. I was trying to put on my shoes before Toni stirred but I failed.
“What do you want for dinner? I plan to have dinner ready early. I’m thinking about going back to D.C. to hang out at Stacey’s,” Toni said, now fully awake it seemed.
I picked up my Bible case off the nightstand and turned around. “Tell me you jokin’? Is that what last night was about? You know what?” I said, throwing up my hand as if that would stop the screaming in my head, “It’s really beginning not to matter, go watch the game with your friends.”
Toni groaned, “Look don’t start, I only said I was thinkin’ ‘bout it. What do you mean it’s beginning not to matter?” Toni asked. “I didn’t say I was going. What do you want for dinner?”
“Dinner doesn’t matter, and it’s really okay if you go.” I tried to say in a calm voice. “I’m going to church. I’ll see you later.” I picked up my Coach bag.
Toni’s antenna, it seemed, was on full alert now. “Where are you going after church?”
“I may go to brunch or something. I’ll see who’s at church.”
“Come back and get me. I’ll go to brunch with you.”
“You won’t have time to make dinner then before you leave.”
“I didn’t say I was going, only that I was thinking about it. You trying to get rid of me?” Toni joked.
“Toni, you are going to get rid of you,” I said without a trace of smile. “I’ll be back after church. I’m leaving ‘cause I need to get some Word in me. I’m letting Coco out, don’t forget she’s out there if you go back to sleep,” I said and left the room.
***
I had to breathe deeply all the way to church. What do you do when you know you have to do something but don’t know what to do? I entered the foyer and heard the choir singing the last phrases of “God Is in Control.” I know You are. You have to be, I can’t do this by myself.
By the time I stepped into the sanctuary and found a seat, the choir had transitioned to “Order My Steps,” how apropos. I’m glad I got out of bed and came to church, staying at home would have only led to another fight with Toni. And I’m tired of fighting, it was draining the life out of me. We used to say fighting helped us relieve stress and share what was on our minds. How we tried to justify such toxic behavior is baffling. And it had been a long time since Toni and I had a meaningful conversation without one of us left feeling disgusted.
The choir’s rendition of the song that was based on Psalm 119, verse 133, “Order my steps in thy word,” was stirring something in me. How could it not? What was happening in my life right now was too much for me to handle on my own. It didn’t take me long to start singing along with the choir. The soloist’s raspy, alto voice belted out the verse affirming that whatever I decided to do needed to be on purpose, I needed to walk worthy and do God’s will. I found myself standing on my feet with a majority of the congregation with my arms outstretched and my eyes closed, letting the intense energy wash over me. Indeed, my circumstances were changing but the one constant for me was my reliance on my faith.
“SING CHOIR!” I shouted.
The choir was reaching the song’s crescendo and got to the heart of the matter. I needed a new direction—I needed a new song to sing. Tears streamed down my face. I was flooded with so many emotions, anger, sadness, regret. I was pretty sure the choir was peering into my soul in the span of their eight-minute song.
“Here sweetheart,” the kind lady next to me handed me her handkerchief.
“Thank you,” I mouthed, I must have looked a hot mess for her to share her beautifully embroidered and ironed hankie. I composed myself enough to enjoy the rest of the service until...
***
“There may be times when you feel like you’re losing your mind!” Reverend Sampson exclaimed.
“Amen!” I and others in the congregation responded.
“There may be times when things aren’t making sense to you!”
“Uh huh!”
“There may be times when you’re questioning the bumps and bruises, the roadblocks and hurdles.”
“Well,” the hankie lady interjected.
“But I’m here to tell you, there’s a plan. God has a plan, like the choir sang so beautifully. Your steps are ordered. Precisely orchestrated in divine sequence. Not left to happenstance. God leaves nothing to chance. He has already crafted every detail of your life.”
“PREACH, PREACHER!” A deacon shouted.
“But you have to have faith. Jesus says if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you can move mountains. In Hebrews eleven and one, the writer says that faith...”
“Yes!” Another deacon said.
“Somebody say faith,” Reverend Sampson demanded.
“FAITH,” the congregation shouted.
“Is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence, of things unseen. Hah! That means that just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean, you can’t achieve it. Hah! And just because you can’t see beyond your current circumstance... Hah! It doesn’t mean you’re not in store for an extraordinary, supernatural, beyond human understanding blessing in the not so distant future.” He whooped and hollered, and the congregation upheld their end of the ‘call and response’ relationship.
“I know that’s right!” A woman exclaimed.
“As a matter of fact, Hah! God is getting you prepared. That issue you thought was a hurdle, a stumbling block, an inconvenience Hah!.. an indiscretion, a setback...”
“Yeah!?!”
“Well, it may have proved to be a rough spot, but guess what?” The preacher was in his groove now.
“What?” we all asked.
“I said, guess what?”
“WHAT?” the congregation shouted louder.
“That challenge was making you stronger. It didn’t kill you. Uhhhmmm. I said, the challenge was making you stronger. Hah, Hah!! How does the saying go ‘that which does not kill me?’ My, my, my...”
Twenty minutes ago, I felt like the choir sang my own personal soundtrack, now Reverend Sampson was preaching on the track too, in high definition stereo. He stomped and paced and tried to keep up with wiping the sweat off of his face. “It was preparing you for what’s to come. Hah! Somma ya’ll didn’t get that. I said, that challenge, that valley, that pitfall, that detour was merely preparing you for your supersize—hello McDonald’s—blessing that’s on the way. It’s right around the corner. Can you see it?”
“Yeah!” The congregation said.
“Can you feel it?” he asked.
“Yeah!”
“Can you taste it?”
“Yeah!”
“My, my, my, my...church, some of you in here don’t believe. You thinkin’ that nothin’ good is ever gonna happen to you. You thinkin’ that your life is one big black hole that continues ad infinitum. Hah, hah! I’m here to tell you, that trouble don’t last always! I saaiiiddd, trouble don’t last always. You know what you got to have?”
“Faith!”
“Huh? Some of ya’ll ain’t believin’ yet. What you gotta have?”
“FAITH!!!”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...you got to have faith. Faith, the size of a mustard seed. Have you ever seen a mustard seed? My Lord! If you’ve seen a mustard seed, then you know, I said, you know that you just have to have a little bit of faith. Well, well, well...I’m a livin’ witness that if you believe in the healing power and goodness of God, you cannot, you will not fail...on your job.”
“Yeah!”
“At home...”
“Yeah!”
“In your current relationship,” the pastor continued, and I heard a record scratch in the space between my two ears. What in the world? Was he talking to me?
“Yeah!” Hankie lady was on her feet again.
“In the special relationship you’re about to enter.” Surely, I was being punked. My chest was tightening, and my throat felt constricted by the lump that had formed there. I felt like I was forcing myself to breathe. I said I was going to pray about my relationship. I asked God for guidance.
“Yeah!”
Reverend Sampson was still at it, “...the one God has planned for you. Hah! The one where it’s so good you just have to shake your head and smile when you think about the person.” Surely, he could not be talking about me and T, right?! Did God send T to me?
“Yeah!” The congregation was still involved too but I was focused on the internal battle in my head. Then Reverence Sampson went for all the marbles.
“The relationship where you just got off the phone, but it seems like you still have so much to talk about...”
At that moment, I didn’t hear anything else the pastor had to say. He had put it out there. It was as if he had been following me around and was talking directly to me. Could this be a sign of what was to come? One thing was clear, I had been praying for quite some time that Toni would revert back to that wonderful person I fell in love with, thoughtful and caring. And just when I had given up on love, it seemed like God had another plan. “Amen, Amen, and Amen.”
After the benediction, the saints slowly strolled out into the vestibule once outside. I reached into my purse to turn my cell phone back on to dial Stephanie’s number for brunch but changed my mind. I flipped the phone open again to call home but changed my mind again. I didn’t feel like talking. Driving with no destination in mind, I realized that I was on Light Street before I knew it so I made a left onto Key Highway and figured I would go sit on my favorite bench for a little while.
***
Sunday summer afternoons usually found Federal Hill Park slightly crowded; but it was still relatively early and only a handful of dogs and their owners were out walking around. I sat quietly and allowed my mind to wander. The leaves would begin to turn, and a chill would be in the air in a month or two. But right now, the sun glistened off the blueish-gray water in the Inner Harbor which reflected shimmering images of buildings and boats. It was warm but it wasn’t blazing hot yet.
From up here, I saw tiny people moving around the marina. I assumed they were preparing their boats for a day out on the water. Several beach volleyball games were already in progress on Rash Field. The USS Constellation occupied its berth next to Harbor Place. The parking lot across from the American Visionary Museum was beginning to fill. Ballers, male and female, were playing a pickup game on the basketball court below.
Although the world around me seemed to be carrying on just fine, tears began to well in the corners of my eyes, again. Someone was going to think I was suicidal sitting on this bench crying in broad daylight. I pulled out the handkerchief from church and rubbed my fingers along the fine embroidery which I hadn’t read before. It said, “We know that all things work together for good for those who love God... Romans 8:28.” Lord, was that another sign?
I wiped my eyes and looked around to see if anyone saw me, not sure why I cared if they did. I sighed deeply and began to pray, “Lord, I thank you for your goodness and your protection. I thank you for my right mind. I thank you for grace and mercy. Lord, I pray for strength and ask for discernment. Order my steps in the direction that you would have me take. You said if I called on You, You would be here in my time of trouble. I truly don’t know what I’m doing, but I pray for peace and your guidance. In your holy name I pray. Amen.” I opened my eyes, breathed in deeply, unfolded my arms and felt my body relax.
An elderly couple walking a dog passed me. I overheard the man say, “You can’t get rid of me now, it’s only been fifty years, we’re just getting to know each other,” as he reached for the woman’s hand. Fifty years. Fifty years with the same person. Could I spend fifty years with Toni? Only if they’re serving snow cones in hell! I laughed out loud at the thought. I don’t know if I’ll spend fifty more days with Toni. Where will I be in fifty years? Who will I be with in fifty years? And with that, I acknowledged in my heart that my relationship with Toni had changed, and not for the better. She was getting one last chance, what she decided to do with it was her decision.
I stood to head home and saw her car first—the chick magnet—parked along Key Highway. Then I saw the chick magnet’s owner stretching and bouncing on one leg across the street in Rash Field. The tightness in my chest from earlier was replaced by a warm and gooey sensation and a ridiculous, unexpected smile spread across my face. But I also felt light-headed, perhaps because I was standing extraordinarily still and holding my breath, not wanting to make a sound or bring attention to myself. This, I realized was an irrational reaction considering there was no way she could see or hear me breathing way up here, some seven hundred feet above her.
God! Even though I had just decided to give my current relationship a chance, I had an overwhelming desire to talk to her... to be next to her with no particular agenda. I wanted to stare into her beautiful eyes. I wanted to hear her laugh and see her smile.
None of that was rational and all of it was the polar opposite of staying with Toni. It was just as well, T finished her warmup routine and jogged towards the food pavilion, away from me.
***
I walked in the house and heard the television in the kitchen. I patted Coco who was lying in her favorite chair napping and peeked in the kitchen, but Toni wasn’t there. I went upstairs to Toni’s room. Although, we slept primarily in one room, the one considered “my” room, Toni maintained her own room. It was her place to relax, meaning she could smoke weed without my disapproving eyes. Toni was stretched out across the futon reading the Sports section of the Baltimore Sun.
“I thought we were going to brunch?”
“I changed my mind.” I responded.
“So, where you been?” Toni questioned.
“Thinking.”
“About?”
“Us,” I began, “we’ve been together for a long time, and for the record, I think I would like us to remain together; but not like this. We don’t talk, we don’t spend time together, we’re living separate lives.”
Toni sat up. I could tell she was already agitated. “That’s because we’re separate people,” she said throwing the paper on the floor.
“Separate people?” I repeated. “Then we need to separate,” I said, looking Toni dead in her eyes.
Toni sucked her teeth, “Where’s this shit comin’ from?”
I sadly smiled and shook my head. “Have you been happy for the past year? How about for the past few years? Never mind,” I said, holding my hand up, “you don’t have to answer that. Let me tell you, I haven’t been happy. I’m not satisfied with our life together. It’s not about us anymore,” I said, gesturing back and forth, “but you and I individually. Which would be fine if we were still growing together. But we’re not! You say you’re just partying with your friends, but I’m left wondering what else or who else you’re doing.”
“Gimme a break! Are you gonna start on that again? And,” she gave the word three syllables, “you would want to be careful about the stones you start throwin’,” she said crossing her arms.
“Let me finish,” I said, but wondered what Toni was talking about. “In the last year, you have done nothing but complain about your finances and your job. But you aren’t doing anything differently. We don’t do anything together cause you always complaining about money. But that hasn’t stopped you from hanging out and having a good time with your friends. Where’s the substance? Where’s the consistency?”
“Why you always gotta talk about me partying?” Toni asked with her lips twisted.
“Cause that’s all you do! What else are you doing with your life Toni? You’re forty-one years old. Cause Toni, for real, I’m just about done. I’ve had enough, and I’m letting you know. You are going to make me leave you! I’m done arguing.”
“Well, since you finally took a breath...let me tell you a little something. You don’t live in a picture-perfect glasshouse, Ms. Charles.”
“What are you talking about?” I turned around at the door.
“Apparently, you been taking pictures, I saw ‘em. Or should I say, somebody been takin’ pictures of you. They hangin’ in the mall Jasmine. And, from the look on your face right now, you didn’t know. She must have forgot to tell you!” I was stunned. Toni was just getting warmed up though and I was only picking up every third word. “Owings Mills...nice...flowers...big smile...trees...her?” I walked out and stumbled back down to my room and closed the door. I fell on the bed and tried to rack my brain, suddenly remembering the day. I knew that day would come back to haunt me. But I was so caught up in the moment. Oh my God! Why the hell are the pictures in the mall? Why is the room spinning? T what the hell have you done? Damn!
Before I could gather my thoughts, Toni came into the room ready to finish what she had started. “See Jasmine, your shit ain’t all that tight eitha’. You been out and about yourself. Only difference between what I do and your dirt, is my shit ain’t all exposed so e’rybody in Baltimore can see it. So what, I smoke a lil’ weed every now and then, that’s how I reduce my stress. You go to church? I go to parties and smoke weed.” Toni said that like it was almost noble, and she believed the two activities were comparable for stress relief.
“Toni, you make it seem like smoking weed is legal,” I said.
“It should be! But we ain’t talkin’ ‘bout weed right now, we talkin’ ‘bout why there are pictures of you on display at Owings Mills huh?” Damn! How could T do this without my permission? Without telling me? She said I would see them. Shit! I didn’t have a response for Toni. Instead, I just prayed the moment would pass.
“Jasmine, don’t act like you don’t hear me.” Toni threw her cool, relaxed high out the window and came across the room so fast I instinctively stood to my feet ready for whateva’. Only a quarter of an inch separated us nose to nose. Toni sneered, “Yeah Jazz, you think you all high and mighty. Who you been seein’? Who the hell is Teresa Butler?”
Oh God, Toni knew T’s name. I couldn’t catch my breath. My hands were sweating, and my head started pounding. I backed up to put some distance between us. “I haven’t been seeing anyone,” I said trying to convince myself otherwise.
“You lyin’, I saw you, I saw desire in your eyes in them pictures... I saw it in your smile. Is that who took pictures of you? Teresa Butler?”
“And how did you see all of that? You probably haven’t seen me smile in three years.”
“You act like I don’t know what makes you tick. I know,” Toni squinted her eyes. “I remember when you used to look at me like that. Uh huh, tryin’ to put all our problems on me, you been doin’ dirt Jazz, don’t think I don’t know.” She closed the distance between the two of us and was in my face again. Toni grabbed my hands and pinned them behind my back, she pressed all of her weight against me and tried to kiss me. I struggled and tried to push her off, “Toni stop, you’re drunk and high!”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” she said. “You better tell that bitch, whoeva’ she is, that you my woman and you will always be my woman.”
“Toni stop, I’m not seeing anyone! Get off me!”
“That’s right baby, you know I like it when you play hard to get.”
“Toni,” Toni was getting more and more physical.
“Remember that Jazz, you my wo- ahhh shit!” Toni looked down, her leg was bleeding. “GODDAMN DOG!” Thank goodness Coco was awakened from her nap with all the commotion and came to my rescue. She bit Toni on her calf. I welcomed the brief relief, pushed Toni out of the room, and locked the door.
I flopped on the bed, tears in my eyes wondering what the hell just happened? How could I have been so careless? How could a relationship that I valued so much come to this? I just knew Toni was going to try to hurt me. Coco nudged my arm. “Not now Coco, Mommy’s gotta think.” The dog didn’t listen, she nudged me again. “Oh, all right, I’ll rub you. That’s the least I can do huh since you saved me from the madness.” Coco and I sighed together.
***
I must have dozed off. My ringing cell phone woke me up, but I silenced it without seeing who it was. I unlocked the door, the house was quiet. I peeked out the front window, Toni’s car was gone. She was gone. I went upstairs to see what Toni’s room looked like to get an idea of her mindset when she left. Nothing looked out of place. Damn neat freak!
What if Toni left for good? Coco did bite her, was she hurt? Served her right. She pushed me. I don’t play that! Right, wrong, or indifferent, her hands only belonged on me for pleasure. I called Toni’s cell phone, it went to voice mail. It only went straight to voice mail when Toni had it off, and she never had it off. She purposely didn’t want to hear from me. Alright, we would play it her way.