| |
Jasmine
––––––––
I didn’t want T to disappear. Whatever it was that was developing between us had been good. I didn’t know however, if it was good because it was a distraction from my and Toni’s mess or if it was good because it was good for no other reason than for the sake of being good. I did know that I wasn’t ready to let T walk away, but I was also fearful of the unknown. It seemed as if this woman just appeared in my life and somehow had casually become a prominent presence in my consciousness.
Toni and I had made a life together. At the moment though, Toni didn’t seem to care about our life together or how I felt about her drinking and smoking and staying out late. She just packed her bag like it was normal to want to spend the night away from your girlfriend. When did Toni stop paying attention?
***
I purposely hadn’t called T since our gallery date. I wanted some time to think about her offer last Thursday to go to Philly. By Tuesday, the tension at home and unexpected changes at work made the walls feel like they were closing in on me. I felt restless. So, I left work a little early, picked up Coco and went for a needed walk at the Harbor. We went around Rash Field three times; Coco felt the need to bark at the maintenance crew and they laughed each time we passed them. My thoughts still unsettled; we headed around towards the pavilion where partygoers were boarding the gangway for what appeared to be an evening cruise. We turned around and walked back towards the Rusty Scupper and watched a few mariners fill their boats with fuel.
I sighed and looked at my watch. “Coco, let’s go home.” To be honest, I was hoping to run into T. As a matter of fact, when I caught a glimpse of a female runner rounding a corner, my heart raced until I determined that it wasn’t her. Although I was beginning to miss T’s sexy quirkiness, I resisted the urge to call. Why was that? I was still unsure what I was going to do on Friday. I kept looking for a sign; divine intervention would be nice.
I returned home to find a note from Toni reminding me not to forget my ticket and that she would see me at the basketball game. Yikes! I forgot that we were supposed to go to D.C. tonight. It completely slipped my mind. The season was winding down and the Mystics weren’t winning much. I called Toni on her cell and asked why she couldn’t have waited for me? Toni said some of the boyz were getting together for pre-game drinks so she would see me at our seats. I looked in the closet for something to wear but I really didn’t feel like driving to D.C. I remembered it was airing on Lifetime, so I decided to stay home. At halftime the phone rang, it was Toni yelling, “Why are you still home?”
“I changed my mind.”
“You’ve wasted my money!”
“Excuse me? I work every day,” I reminded her.
“You could have given me the ticket so one of my boyz could have sat here.”
That upset me, “I’ll see you when you get home,” I said and hung up the phone.
The Mystics lost, no surprise there. Although they had been in the league for four seasons, they had yet to put together a team that consistently won games. Everyone thought that would change when Chamique Holdsclaw was our number one draft pick in 1999, but the win-loss column didn’t lie, basketball was a team sport. I went to bed after the late-night news and rolled over at twelve-thirty as Toni walked through the bedroom door. I looked at the clock, looked at Toni and smelled smoke. “Where you been Toni?”
“I got one of them flyers after the game, went to check out this little spot for a minute,” Toni said as she slid underneath the covers. Ugh!
“Why’d you wait until halftime to call me?” I asked.
“That’s when I got to our seats?”
“You and the boyz were together until halftime? So, I could have been on the side of the road, and you wouldn’t have known until halftime.”
“Yeah, but you weren’t...you were here waiting for me,” Toni nonchalantly said, as she caressed my hip.
I moved further to the edge of my side of the bed. “Toni, go to hell.”
***
I was sitting at my desk at work enjoying a cup of coffee and reviewing patient charts when the phone rang at one minute after nine. It was Toni telling me a telemarketer woke her up.
“Why you let me oversleep?” Toni grumbled half awake.
I smiled, twirled my pencil, tried to remain calm and responded, “How old are you?”
Before she could answer, I reminded her, “You are way over twenty-one, and where does your mother live? It ain’t here, she lives in Virginia. Suffice to say, you should be able to get your grown ass up and go to work. You know one of the questions on the standardized alcohol test is, ‘does alcohol affect your ability to work?’ Since you’re already late, you may want to get up and get dressed and we’ll chat about this later.” I hung up the phone before Toni could respond.
***
When Toni walked in the house that evening, I was in the living room nursing a glass of wine. I saw her tense up—she knew that my drinking and waiting were not good for her.
“You wanted to talk?” I patted the sofa for Toni to sit down. Toni flexed but stood. I continued, “I understand you hung out last night after the game. That’s why you said you left early, to hang out. But I won’t go there right now because you want to argue about how come I didn’t wake you up after you left me to go to the game to drink with your boyz, went to some hoochie party, and then stayed out half the damn night? Toni puh-leeze! Now tell me again, what do YOU want to argue ‘bout?”
Toni chumped down, “Jazz, I ain’t got time for this shit,” she said and walked away. I drained my drink, took a deep breath and smiled, pleased that I was able to get a few things off of my chest. Jasmine one, Toni zero.
***
Thursday morning, and I still hadn’t decided what I was going to do tomorrow. I looked at my horoscope, as well as Toni’s and T’s for a little celestial guidance... no clues. I still hadn’t talked to T because I didn’t want to be influenced. Toni and I were just existing under the same roof. For the last few nights, she slept upstairs. The only thing that was certain was that tomorrow was Friday and I had no idea what I was going to do about Philly. The day was basically a blur, morning staff meetings and patient group therapy sessions.
When I came back from lunch, there was a single message on my voice mail. Luther was singing “If Only for One Night.” I played the message three times before deleting the song. I dialed T’s cell phone but hung up before the call went through. I took out T’s card to look at the address for the umpteenth time—I didn’t have an answer.
That evening before I went in the house, I said out loud, “I’m not going.” There. I made a decision. With that out of the way, I started dinner. I didn’t cook often but decided that any change in my life had to begin with me. I thought dinner was okay however, Toni picked at her very healthy turkey meatloaf. Afterwards, instead of going upstairs to be in her own space, Toni came to the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed.
“Jazz, we need to talk,” Toni said
“Okay, talk,” I responded.
“I want to be happy and I’m not. You aren’t happy either. So rather than be miserable, I’m going to be leaving. We can work out details later when you aren’t so upset, and we can talk about things calmly.”
My heart sank and my chest tightened. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Were we breaking up? I would be single? I wanted to be upset and kept reaching for anger. Instead, I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs, my throat was constricted. Taking shallow breaths, I just sat there, numb. What the hell was happening?
Toni went back upstairs after sitting for what seemed like hours. She and I had just stared at each other. Perhaps I was in shock which felt like I had been hit with a brick...hard. Yes, we had problems, especially those three weeks apart since she never said where she was. Perhaps that took us to a place we wouldn’t recover from. In spite of being in and out of sync over the years, it never dawned on me that we would ever go our separate ways and it would end like this.
I didn’t know what to say or think. I laid in bed going over scene after scene of our relationship. It had been so long since we were truly happy, but those thoughts came flooding back too. Tears began to form; I could hear Toni upstairs moving about. The thought of her leaving made me extremely sad. The realization of her putting other things and people ahead of our relationship made me mad most days but we typically recovered. The dichotomy consumed me.
If she was leaving, I had to get the locks changed. I would have to adjust my household expenses to replace Toni’s income. Was I ready to be alone after all this time? It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Why now? What made her want to leave now? I walked upstairs; Toni was putting things in boxes. When did she acquire boxes? Obviously, she had planned this.
That made me even madder. But I didn’t say anything. I just walked back downstairs, negotiating my way to my room through tear-filled eyes. I entered the room and instead of sitting on the bed, I knelt at the edge and prayed.
“Lord, it’s been a long time since I’ve actually been on my knees. But I need to hear from You. My life as I’ve known it is apparently coming to an end. I know things happen for a reason, but I’m confused. I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m mad. For the longest time, I’ve felt like I was in this relationship by myself. But I kept thinking things would get better. Lord, I’m here asking for strength and understanding. I’m asking for peace of mind. Finally, please watch over Toni, wherever she goes. I hope she finds peace and happiness.” I crawled under the covers, the weight of emotions too much to carry right now. At some point I finally cried myself to sleep.
The alarm clock woke me up at six the next morning, the house was still. I wondered if Toni was still here. Coco came in and interrupted my thoughts, nudging my hand to let me know she wanted to go out. “Oh shit! I didn’t let you out last night. Hopefully Toni did,” I said to the dog. After I let Coco out, I walked upstairs. Toni wasn’t there and quite a bit of her belongings were already gone. The thought that Toni already had a place to go infuriated me, but I didn’t want to start the day off grumpy. I resolved that I had prayed about it and wasn’t going to dwell on the negative energy.
While I waited for Coco to stop chasing squirrels—how could the dog have so much energy in the morning—I started switching purses to compliment the outfit I was going to wear today. I figured my clothes didn’t have to match my mood. I dumped the contents from one purse into another; T’s card fell on the floor.
“I’m not going,” I said aloud, for the second time in twenty-four hours. I didn’t need to convince anyone because I was alone, but just in case, I repeated the words, “I’m not going.” Reading my horoscope in the Baltimore Sun, confirmed my intended plan. It simply read, “Move cautiously through the next moon’s cycle.”
I called T before leaving for lunch, secretly hoping that I could take the cowardly route and leave a message. However, she answered. Damn! I closed my eyes and inhaled all the air I could. “Hello Teresa.”
“Awwhh this isn’t good, you’re using my real name. I was hoping you were calling to ask for the weekend forecast in Philly,” T teased. “You aren’t going, are you?”
I shook my head as if T could see me. “I’m not. I don’t have the energy to travel,” I said, moving papers on my desk to fulfill a need to do something with my hands.
“Wait, what’s wrong? Are you okay? What happened?”
“I’m okay. I really am okay.” I paused to hold back tears. “I’m single. I’m processing that. And it’s not a good time,” I said, trying hard to vary my voice and not sound as dull as I felt.
“Single? Really? Hmmm, I’m not sure what to say. Uhhh, what can I do to help?” T sounded concerned.
“Not much. Go to your festival, we can get together when you get back.”
“So, what’s all this mean now?”
“Honestly, I have no idea. I’ve been single less than forty-eight hours.” I shuffled the papers to the other side of the desk for no apparent reason.
“How does that make you feel?” she asked.
“I’ve experienced so many emotions. Initially, I was in disbelief. Then I got mad, and sad, and mad again. Our conversation seeped into my thoughts,” I confessed.
“What conversation was that?”
“The one when you asked me when Toni had stopped paying attention,” I paused to gather myself. “T, I feel like I should fill in a lot of gaps in my story.” I continued, “and I’m willing to do that but it can wait until you get back.” T was silent. “Are you still there?” I asked.
“Yeah, I’m here. Just listening and trying to imagine being in your shoes.”
“Thanks for that but I’ll be okay, really.”
“Are you sure?” T asked.
“No. But don’t worry about me. Drive safely and be careful up there.” I tried to muster strength.
“I don’t know if that’s possible—the not worrying about you part—but I’ll be safe,” T reassured me.