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T
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I joined Jasmine in the kitchen. With the exception of saying she was going to prepare us something to eat, we hadn’t said much to one another since getting out of the shower and then back in bed for an hour. Jasmine looked up at me when I walked in and gave a sort of half smile.
“Hi,” I said to break the silence as I sat in the breakfast nook where Coco decided to come get a rub. The nook was perfectly situated so you could look out into Jasmine’s backyard which was filled with brightly colored plants, mature trees, and sunshine. What a wonderful space, I shouldn’t have expected anything less.
“Hi,” Jasmine replied.
“Jas-”
“T,” she said at the same time.
“You first,” I offered.
“T, I told you. It’s been a long time since I’ve been with anyone other than Toni.”
“Yes, and...”
“And nothing,” Jasmine’s voice trailed off.
“Yes, there is something. What’s on your mind? You haven’t said much of anything in a minute.”
“I don’t know what to say,” she responded.
“Listen, I know you probably want to take things slow. And I want that for you too. But I don’t think we need to apologize or feel bad for engaging in grown folks’ business. If you’re enjoying me, cause I’m certainly enjoying you, we don’t have to apologize to anyone, for anything. I also think that in order for us to continue enjoying each other’s company; we have to do it fully and honestly.
“There you go again making this sound so simple,” Jasmine interjected.
“Why does it have to be complicated?” I asked.
“Because life is complicated T. Life is not always rainbows and unicorns. I am barely out of a relationship and here you are spending the night, sleeping in my bed, doing things to my mind and body that I cannot explain...”
I smiled and thought I understood Jasmine’s point. “Listen, I get it, I’m feeling you too.”
“No, I don’t think you do,” Jasmine countered. “My life had been pretty measured and predictable before I met you. I am usually the adult in the room, the designated driver. The reliable, dependable friend.”
“Certainly you aren’t saying you no longer possess those traits?” I asked.
“Not exactly, but now? I don’t feel like I’m being very responsible. That very fact is making me both crazy and excited and it scares the hell out of me.”
I stood up and walked over to Jasmine with my arms outstretched. “Come here.” Jasmine stopped chopping vegetables, wiped her hands on a dish towel, and did as I instructed. She stood in my space with her head slightly down.
I lifted her chin and ever so gently kissed her lips. “Nothing is going to happen that you don’t want to happen. You are in control of this,” I said drawing an arc in the air around us. “We take this as fast or as slow as you want. All I ask is that you one, enjoy the moment and two, be open and honest with me about what you’re feeling at any particular moment.”
“You think it’s really that simple don’t you?”
“Here’s what I think,” I said.
“What do you think?” Jasmine managed a slight smile.
“I think humans, particularly those of the female persuasion...”
Jasmine interrupted me. “You’re of that persuasion, so be careful.”
“You’re proving my point. Anyhoo,” I said, “I think humans are extremely skilled at overthinking situations, making them far more complex and worse in their minds than what actually manifests in the real world. I honestly believe that we, you and I,” I said gesturing between us, “should not saddle ourselves with strictures of what something should or shouldn’t be. What we should or shouldn’t be doing. Or what someone else does or doesn’t think of us and what this is.”
“T, I just don’t want to dive headfirst into what felt like just a few hours ago a relationship.”
“Relationship? No one said anything about a relationship,” I said.
“Oh, I’m not good enough for you to be in a relationship?” Jasmine suddenly sounded offended.
“Wait, what is happening here?” I asked. “You were just making the case that you don’t want a relationship. That you and Toni had been together for so long that it’s hard to get the idea of that out of your head. Or take her pictures down, I might add. I respect that, but what I don’t understand is the self-sabotage. You’ve told me what you don’t want multiple times. What, or shall I say, who is it that you do want?”