| |
Jasmine
––––––––
I couldn’t get home fast enough but I had to be careful driving. The roads were still hazardous, and people were speeding as if it was July, dry and sunny. I didn’t like the Jones Falls Expressway on a good day. I liked it even less when the roads were icy. I pulled up to the curb in front of my house. The driveway was still completely covered in snow and what was likely an inch or two of ice underneath. It needed to be broken up before I could even think about navigating the incline. I parked, grabbed my purse, and gingerly carried Coco in the house. I picked up the phone to call Stephanie ‘to process’ as she liked to say but she made it clear after the holiday party that she was not a T fan. Which wasn’t surprising; Stephanie was fiercely protective and wasn’t a Toni fan either. I put the phone back on the hook, I didn’t need to be scolded. Instead, I changed into my snow boots with the good traction, they were not cute. Cute was for the club; you needed functional gear in dicey weather.
I grabbed the shovel from the side porch, the one hidden from view so that someone wouldn’t think it useful to break a window and burglarize the house. Ugh, T! I shook my head at the thought. Taking tiny steps down the driveway, I wanted to avoid the same fate as my former neighbor, Mrs. Weinberg, who fell last year and laid outside for about an hour before anyone knew she was out here. Her kids banded together, moved her to a swanky Roland Park retirement community, and sold her house before she knew what happened.
Surveying the enormous task ahead, I got to work using my new ergonomic shovel, supposedly the curved design would make lifting easier on my back. I wasn’t crazy about shoveling, but I bought it in December after realizing that I was now the Charles Family snow removal crew. Toni used to do it however, since she didn’t live here anymore, it was me, myself, and I.
Whew! One side was finished. Breathing heavily, I paused at the end of the driveway and laughed to myself. Therapy wasn’t this hard. Thankfully, it warmed up a little; breaking up ice and shoveling was the worst! I walked back to the top of the driveway to work my way downhill this time.
What was T thinking? Her single lifestyle was apparent in how unprepared she was for me and Coco during the storm. It wasn’t attractive. She invited me over for a weekend and was no more ready for guests than the man in the moon. Who didn’t have a snow shovel in Baltimore for goodness’ sake? T raised my hopes and dashed my expectations all within forty-eight hours. I secretly thought her invitation was going to usher in a solid start for us. We had been starting and stalling for months.
I couldn’t put all the onus on T though, some of this was my fault. The possibility of being in a new relationship, especially so soon after Toni, made me feel unsteady and somewhat mentally paralyzed. Every time I thought that I should see who else may be out there, T and I would go out or have a wonderful conversation and I started believing in a possible fairy tale again. I loved being with her and her family for Thanksgiving. Her mother even sent me the most delicious cookies for Christmas along with Savannah Sun Marigold seeds, which I can’t wait to see bloom in the spring. I liked T’s attentiveness when we were together. I had forgotten how good it felt to be the focus of someone’s attention.
But then? This weekend it became obvious that she was prepared for dinner and sex, yet not much beyond that. I was nobody’s booty call. I thought I was okay with our nightly calls and occasional dinners and dates. Last night though, it became abundantly clear to me that I wanted and needed more. And if I was being honest with myself—on this point I was the ill-prepared one—I wanted more with T. Somehow, we had managed to avoid discussing whether or not we would be exclusive. Ugh! Was I being too harsh and judgmental?
I stopped halfway back down the driveway to catch my breath. The sun had made the temperature tolerable in my down winter coat and fuzzy-lined gloves. Now that dusk had crept in, I was starting to get cold, and my fingers were numbing. The neighborhood was quiet. It didn’t look like many cars had been moved from other driveways or spots along the curb. Few people had driven on the street even, the pavement was still covered in a slushy tan mess, a mix of frozen water and sand.
Exhausted seemed to be an inadequate descriptor that came from tiring physical activity and my mental gymnastics. I dragged myself up the porch steps, plopped down, and sighed. I hadn’t dated anyone else since T and I started spending time together. I wasn’t certain if I could say the same for her. I noticed how other women noticed her, after all, she was easy on the eyes. Did T follow up on that energy? I didn’t know. What I did know was that I was not interested in being among a cadre of women. I just shoveled all this snow, there was no question that I was a strong, independent Black woman. That thought made me laugh out loud. Screw that... next time I was going to hire someone to shovel. On a positive note, I guess I didn’t need Stephanie for this session, I had worked my irritation out on my own.
***
“Hey,” T said when I answered the phone that night.
“Hey yourself,” I replied.
“What are you up to?”
“Nothing really, I just got out of the tub. I needed to soak a bit; my muscles were soar from shoveling.”
“Hmmm, the thought of you naked is delightful.”
“Uh huh...” I tried to be annoyed but a tingling between my legs got in the way.
“Sorry, I digress. I would have helped you if you had asked,” she said.
“With what T? You don’t have a proper shovel,” I said rather abruptly.
“You’re right Jasmine, I made a mistake. I don’t have a snow shovel right now. I told you, I broke it last month. And I didn’t think about it again until it was too late. There wasn’t a shovel or salt to be found anywhere. But obviously you have a shovel, I could have shoveled with your shovel,” she said. I could hear the smile in her voice.
This made me smile, but I didn’t let her know that. Through all my frustration with T, she was still making me smile.