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Jasmine
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“Did I hear the doorbell?” I asked, winded from carrying a tote bin up from the basement with stuff that I found in drawers and closets that meant something to Toni at one point. She promised to pick it up a while ago. So, when she called out of the blue saying she wanted to come over because I needed to sign documentation she received from her personnel department, I was suspicious, it was Toni after all.
“Yeah,” Toni replied, “someone trying to sell windows and siding.”
“This time of night? Did you open the door? I never open the door; anybody can get a shirt with a logo on it.” I questioned, going to the door to peek out the living room window. I scanned the street for solicitors.
“It’s okay, it was a small guy, I figured I could take him,” Toni said laughing.
I laughed too, “Let’s get the paperwork finished so you can get going.”
“Jasmine,” Toni said softly, “when human resources changed our health insurance coverage, it seemed like a good time to update other employee information. It didn’t seem right to just remove your name off the beneficiary forms without having another conversation. Do we really need to do this? I know we haven’t been together for months...”
“It’s been almost a year Toni. And must I remind you that you left? And had somewhere to go when you did?”
“I know Jazz, but this makes it so final,” Toni lamented.
“Yes, it does.” I felt a surge of emotion, mostly sadness but also nostalgia and my eyes started welling up. I took several deep breaths to gather myself and let out a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry we came to this point after so many good years together,” I admitted. We grieved the end of relationships, good, bad or otherwise. I knew she and I had made the right decision about ending our union. We weren’t good together anymore. I talked nonstop for the next hour about the relationship overall and highlighted specific events where both of us could have thrown a penalty flag, called a flagrant foul, a technical... something to indicate any given situation was wrong or uncalled for.
Toni protested a few situations I noted but finally acknowledged it didn’t matter because I clearly recounted the slow stair step decline of our relationship. From Toni’s perspective, she said it just didn’t seem that bad and for the life of her, she couldn’t say when or why she started acting like she was single.
“Jazz, you were good for me, and all my friends knew it. They remind me all the time,” she said.
“Really?” I was surprised, obviously she didn’t care what I or they thought.
“Yeah, they’ve given me the blues for years to my face and behind my back.”
I was dumbfounded and didn’t know what to say about her revelations.
“Like, we were all at Pat’s house this past Memorial Day weekend for a cookout and WNBA game watch party. The ‘24 Carat Gold Girls’ was there doing their thing,” she said very soberly. Ahh yes, the popular dancers that frequented private family parties and did freakishly erotic things with their bodies; I don’t miss being around that energy.
“I can only imagine,” I said, not really wanting to.
“Pat had one too many Jack and Cokes and decided to remind me and everyone else that I was always the first to give any of them tips or move towards the floor when dancers performed,” she shared.
“Wow!”
“Then, everyone felt the need to pile on too.”
“I’m sorry that happened to you. No one should be treated like that,” I said honestly. I didn’t tell Toni that Stephanie had already told me about the incident. She also added that Toni tried to shout Pat down and when it became a pile on, Toni got pissed and left. “You know that wasn’t out of the ordinary for you, right?” I said to her.
Toni sat with her arms crossed and sulked. She shrugged and responded, “I don’t remember being such an asshole.”
I kept talking, “Toni please, getting on the floor at Donna and Lisa’s commitment ceremony to catch a garter that was supposed to be for single ladies? Mentioning you didn’t want to go to the Rehoboth Beach party because bringing me would be like taking sand to the beach? And the best one? You should be able to stay out for the weekend if there are parties on Friday and Saturday, ‘cause you didn’t want to waste gas going back and forth from Baltimore to D.C. Really?!”
“So, I was wrong. Givin’ me another chance is out of the question?” Toni asked with the most loving smile I had seen on her face in forever.
“Yes, you’re wrong and giving you another chance is so far out of the question, it’s unrecognizable.”
“Damn.”
“Toni, I’m sorry you didn’t listen when I tried to talk to you about what was happening with us. When you moved out, I realized that I had been living single for a long time because it was way too easy to keep my home alone routine going. So, about that paperwork?”
Toni sighed and slowly pulled nondescript forms out of her leather portfolio. HR included post-its and highlighted areas that required my signature acknowledging that I knew my name was being removed from the documentation. I reminded Toni to also update her bank accounts with new payable on death designations to prevent issues with probate.
“Thanks Jazz. See, I know you still love me. You’re still looking out for me.”
“Girl please! I don’t want your people looking at me sideways if something happened to you and my name was still on those accounts.”
“You right,” Toni said laughing again. “Jazz,” Toni’s voice became more serious. “Are you seeing someone?”
Damn. How do I answer that? I settled on the truth. “Yes, I’ve been dating.” I really wanted to say, “It’s complicated.” But that didn’t do the situation with T justice. Especially since I hadn’t returned any of her calls as of late.
“I thought so. You have a lightness to you.”
“Thanks,” I said and smiled.
“By the way, that may have been who was at the door.”
“What are you talking about?”
“There was a woman at the door. I vaguely recognized her from a picture at the Owings Mills exhibit. Coco seemed to know her though,” Toni said sarcastically.
“What the hell Toni, why did you lie?”
“I figured I needed to give it one last shot without you knowing Teresa showed up,” she whined.
“Toni you never cease to amaze me. Sometimes that’s NOT a good thing by the way.”
“Hey, I’m sorry, can’t blame me for trying.”
Now I was truly irritated. “Trying? Why didn’t you try five years ago, hell five months ago? You’ve always thought our relationship operated on your time. See, that’s what I’m talking about. None of what I’ve been saying is new. You’re only pretending to listen because our breaking up caused what Toni, an inconvenience in your life?” My breathing quickened and I could feel blood rushing to my head. “You had to look at your finances differently? Of course, you didn’t have to find a new place to live, that part was already taken care of. I bet you’re paying more for rent now. Kind of cuts into your entertainment expenses huh? Chile please, bye! We’ve signed everything. Go home Toni, this ain’t home no more!”
Toni gathered her things, looked around and responded, “I know, it hasn’t been home for a long time.” I squinted at the door for a long time after she closed it. “Coco, what the hell just happened?”
I was angry. Was that T? I listened to messages that were still in my voicemail and was reminded that T’s awards ceremony was tonight. I was happy for her and her students. I wished I could have been there to celebrate with her. I should have had the courage to just say that. Maybe if T would have acknowledged our relationship or whatever the last year had been, I would have been there with bells on and in cocktail attire. I couldn’t even get her to answer basic or fun questions that would have given me more insight into who she was. On the other hand, I was so sure I was right and added pressure on T to move whatever this was to another level. Was that fair?
I wearily started my evening routine; made a cup of chamomile tea, let Coco out, turned off lights, and wrapped up with the nightly security check. Hmmm, an unexpected visit, that didn’t sound like T. Maybe it wasn’t her. I wanted to call to find out, but after being stealth for weeks, what would I say?
I missed T though. I missed her smile and her laugh, her quiet confidence, her alluring eyes. I had been so busy protecting my heart that I may have unintentionally walled it off from what could be an extraordinary relationship. I hadn’t called because, because, because, I didn’t know why. Check that, I did know why. I was terrified of loving again. Terrified of loving someone who seemingly dropped out of the sky and literally crossed my path. The unlikeliness of it all had tilted my world off its axis.