Sandi’s life was now so busy that she had very little time to think about anything much, except for her job and the girls.
There were times she considered stopping at the bar. If she left for work a little early, she would have been able to visit her old friends beforehand. Months ago, she had spent a lot of time at the bar, but she now realized what a bad choice that had been.
After the terrible incident with Joletta, Sandi had begun to realize that her life had gotten completely out of control. She had certainly not seen it coming, but in hindsight she could understand why it ended so badly. No, she could not and would not risk it!
Even though things were now going along fairly well, she still felt there was something more she needed to do. Thinking of how awful it was for Joletta to come home and find her little sister crying and their mother passed out made an ugly, disgusting picture. It frightened the “living daylights” out of Sandi.
Another thought slipped into her mind – seeing a small girl, standing beside an unresponsive person, and not understanding. After a moment, she realized that her thought was not just random, but it was a memory, long forgotten, and she was the child. The person lying on the floor was her own mother. She felt a cold chill run through her body. She had never considered that her past might be still affecting her and her children. Could there be a reason for the memory? Tears streamed down her face as the painful feelings from so long ago filled her being. Sandi now could see that she had unknowingly transferred that hurt from her childhood to her own girls. She knew now what she must do. She must prove to Joletta that she would do everything she could to keep her promises and take care of her and Annie.
The guidance counselor at school had suggested to Jo that her mother probably needed help. She had even offered to come to their home and talk with Sandi about Alcoholics Anonymous. At that time, Sandi had totally rejected the idea. She did not believe that she had a problem, and furthermore, it certainly was none of the school’s business! Unfortunately, she was not so sure about anything now.
Deciding the time was “now or never,” Sandi picked up the phone and dialed a number she had found listed in the yellow pages. She nervously waited for an answer.
“Addiction Services Hotline,” spoke a friendly but businesslike voice on the other end. “May I be of help?”
Sandi’s voice quivered, and her hands were shaking as she said, “I think…” She took a deep breath and continued, “I think I have a drinking problem. I’m afraid I may be an alcoholic!”
The person on the phone assured her they would try to help if she would let them and began to explain the procedure for setting an appointment.
Sandi’s first appointment was a needs evaluation, and an introduction to the caseworker who introduced herself only as Lynn, a young woman about the same age as Sandi with a pleasant voice and a warm smile.
After the initial interview and the never-ending paperwork, Lynn suggested that, before they set up another appointment, she felt Sandi should make an appointment and see her physician. Sandi had admitted to Lynn that she had not seen a physician since shortly after the baby was born. Lynn asked if Sandi had ever suffered from depression in the past. Rolling her eyes, she said, “Well, if you would call a person that cries almost every day–.” Sandi had never thought that some of her problems might be treatable.
At her gynecologist appointment a few weeks later, the doctor did both a thorough examination and blood work. After receiving the test results, Dr. Preston was able to rule out several possible disorders and eventually diagnosed Sandi as suffering from severe post-partum depression. Sandi had heard of this before, but believing her personal problems were to blame for the way she felt, she had never suspected that hormones could be playing a part in her overwhelming sadness. The doctor prescribed an appropriate anti-depressant, and after several days she did begin to feel some better. The constant tightness in her chest disappeared, and she did not toss and turn every time she tried to sleep. Amazingly, she no longer felt a desire for beer or alcohol of any kind.
In the following weeks, as her therapy continued with Lynn, they talked about how Sandi’s relationships “always ended in disaster.” Each break-up only served to confirm her lack of self-worth.
She talked about when Sam left her, which was when she began to spend more time at Tony’s where she worked before Annie was born. Sandi was so lonely, she was desperate for friendship, and since the baby was still very young, she would either sit in her stroller and play or nap while Sandi visited. Except to go to the grocery or laundromat, she went out very little.
She had become friends with Jen, who also worked for Tony. They shared a common life experience, tough childhoods, both had babies while they were teenagers, and now, both were raising children on their own. Jen’s kids were several years older than Jo and Annie, but both women struggled just trying to keep their heads above water.
Tony had a thing for Sandi, and sometimes he even provided her with drinks. He liked playing “Mr. Nice Guy,” thinking that at some point he might benefit personally. As long as everyone got his or her work done, he was happy that Sandi was there. He liked to watch her and fantasize about what it would be like to be with her. Afternoons were slow, and he didn’t even mind the kid. She wasn’t much of a problem, as long as no one expected him to mess with her.
Sandi slowly began to understand that she had been using the alcohol as a crutch. When she drank, she didn’t have to think. It numbed the anger and almost made her forget, if only for a short time, the hurt, the loneliness, and the stress that she was suffering from.
As time went by, Sandi began to feel much better, but Lynn felt she should continue their weekly appointments, at least for the next few months. Lynn encouraged her to consider how seriously her childhood experiences had shaped her present life experience.
Sandi had only recently begun to understand that she still carried pain buried deep in her mind. Shadowy figures sometimes danced through her thoughts, thoughts mixed with angry voices and her daddy kneeling with her gathered into his arms. Feeling his rough coat against her face was the last memory she had of her father.
She was only seven at the time, and she never knew why he left. She tried her best to be a good girl but her Momma was always angry. Once, Sandi asked why her daddy didn’t come home and her mother said that she was the reason he left! Sandi cried, but the little girl’s misery seemed to give her mom cruel pleasure.
Why did he hold her so close on the day he left if he didn’t love her? Her mom never made any effort to comfort the sad little girl, and as time went on, Sandi decided her mother must have been right all along. He never did come home, no matter how long she waited.
Within months her mother remarried, and by the time Sandi reached her 12th birthday she had three younger siblings.
The summer she turned 16, Sandi fell madly in love with Joe. Tall, good-looking, and the quarterback of the football team, he was every girl’s dream! He treated Sandi like a princess, and she felt that there had never been a happier girl.
They dated for several months before she realized that she was pregnant. Of course, they had certainly not planned this, but she couldn’t help feeling excited. They were young but they loved each other, didn’t they? She was sure it would all work out.
At first, Joe was loving and supportive. He said things would be ok, that Sandi could move in with his family and they would get married. For the next few weeks Sandi lived her rose-colored dream.
Things began to change shortly after classes started in the fall. At school, Joe started to avoid her, and when they did spend time together, he was restless and moody. She gently asked several times what it was that was troubling him. He finally told her that they needed to have a serious talk.
He picked her up on Friday and they drove in silence until he pulled over by the river and parked in a gravel area that was a fisherman’s access. By this time Sandi was feeling sick and nauseous, and Joe was acting so strange that she did not know what to think.
An hour later, Sandi sat in her room, shaken and heartbroken. She could hardly believe what had just happened. Joe had actually questioned her, suggesting that the baby might not be his at all. She knew better and she was sure that he did too!
They argued, and finally he admitted that his parents were the ones that put the idea in his head, but that was not all. He said he was not ready to be a father and he didn’t see how they could get married anyway. He had plans to start college the following fall, and there was no way they could take care of school and a family.
Then he dropped the bombshell! He told Sandi she should go to a doctor and get rid of the pregnancy!
She was truly sick now. Feeling faint and was shaking like a leaf, all she could do was tell him to take her home. She couldn’t think; they would have to talk later. He couldn’t mean what he was saying. This was his baby! Their baby!
At school the following week, he would not even make eye contact with her. She tried to believe it was all a mistake, even after calling more times than she cared to admit. At first, his mother answered the phone, telling her that he was busy or not at home. However, after about a week she informed Sandi that Joe no longer wanted anything to do with her. She said to stop harassing them or they would have to call the police!
Sandi tried to believe he still loved her. She tried to believe he would come back and rescue her, but as the weeks and months went by, she slowly began to accept the facts. It had all been a dream. Now, the dream had become a nightmare!
When Sandi’s mother found out about the pregnancy, she was furious. She had never shown affection for her oldest daughter, just constantly complained about what a burden she was. Many times, she would say hurtful things such as telling her the only reason they kept her around was to have someone to take care of the kids! She would laugh and pretend she was joking, but it was not funny to Sandi, not at all. Her stepfather, Dan, would sometimes scold her mother, telling her she needed to stop picking on the girl, but her mom would just light up another cigarette, roll her eyes, and walk away.
Sandi suffered severe morning sickness, leaving her tired and depressed most days, but it made very little difference to her mother, who insisted that she keep up with her schoolwork, and expected Sandi to keep the house clean and babysit for her younger siblings. Sandi’s mom told her, “As long as you are living in my house, you are expected to help!”
Actually, the time spent caring for her little sister and brothers was her one “saving grace.” She loved them so very much. They willingly returned her affection.
A week before summer break was to begin, Sandi went into labor, and after twenty-one long hours, little Joletta Caroline Breese made her appearance. She was tiny, only 18 inches long and not quite 6 pounds, but she was beautiful. Even Sandi’s mother had to smile when she saw her granddaughter.
Sandi watched her mother’s face soften when she looked at the baby. It made her wonder once more what it was that caused the distance between them. She would never understand it. Sandi loved this tiny baby girl with her whole heart and soul, and she knew that would never change! With or without her mother’s approval or Joe Lenders in their lives, she knew this precious child was meant to be.
Mrs. Meeker, the school counselor, had arranged for Sandi to take her final exams early, making it possible for her to complete 11th grade on schedule. The following year Sandi attended a local vocational school which offered childcare as part of its curriculum, making it possible for her to graduate in June of 1988.
The weeks following graduation were not easy ones. Her mother’s drinking was creating problems in her marriage, causing frequent outbursts of anger. Dan had become quiet and moody and was threatening to leave and take the children with him if their mother did not get help. Their arguments concerned Sandi. It seemed like nothing ever got better in her family. She did not have the power to change that situation between her parents, but for the past weeks she had been quietly making plans for herself and her little daughter.
She had a folding stroller, a bag with diapers, clothing, powdered formula, and the necessary items little Joletta would need. She also included a change of clothing and a few personal items, a picture she had found once.
Finally, a day came when everyone was going to be away. Taking a deep breath, she boldly went into her stepfather’s office, and into the lowest desk drawer. Lifting the papers on top, she found what she was looking for. Taking $250 from the stack of bills in the cream-colored folder, she replaced it with a note telling her stepfather that she was sorry for taking the money. She said she had to leave and she promised to return the money when she could.
Having purchased a bus ticket earlier, she had a plan to meet and stay temporarily with cousins of a friend. After that, she did not know exactly where she would go or what she would do. She was determined she would never return, and she did not believe anyone would come looking for her.
Mr. and Mrs. Maxim were wonderful people in their early forties. They had never had children of their own and fell in love with the young mother and little “Jo-go,” a nick-name she earned the week they arrived when she rolled and scooted her little body all the way across the living room.
Sandi and Joletta ended up staying in their home for several months. Sandi often wondered about her sister and the two baby brothers she left behind. She loved and missed them. But she believed she had done what she had to do. How different her life could have been if her mother had only loved her.
The more she talked about her life experiences, the more she remembered, and although many of the memories were heartbreaking or sad, Sandi was surprised when she began to feel less stress. Amazingly, she felt as if she had physically put down a heavy weight!
Lynn told Sandi, “I really think you are doing well. I think we can wait a few weeks before I see you again. I want you to continue with your meds but let’s wait a few weeks before your next appointment. I am confident that you are going to do well, but we want to make sure you are completely comfortable on your own. Remember, you can always call if you need me.”
Their neighbor, Mrs. Taylor, and Joletta had now become fast friends. Joletta would stop over every afternoon to visit before she went to Tina’s. Sometimes she preferred staying at Mrs. Taylor’s and never even went to visit her young friends at all.
In addition, on Saturday she would spend hours there when Mom did not want her to stay home. She usually took Annie over with her and let Mom get some extra sleep.
Mrs. Taylor always told the most wonderful stories about when she was a young girl. She had nine brothers and sisters, and she loved telling stories about their childhood adventures. She told of the trouble she and her siblings had gotten into, and then she would tell more stories about her children and grandchildren!
It all sounded so fantastic! Joletta wondered if anyone could really live like that. To Joletta, it really didn’t even matter because it was wonderful just hearing about it all.
The last week of October, Mrs. Kiley, the night nurse, came into the room where Sandi was working. “Excuse me, Sandi, someone from Lakeview Hospital is on the phone and needs to talk with you.”
Sandi immediately thought of the children, and her heart started to throb. “Hello, this is Sandi Breese,” she said when she picked up the phone at the nurse’s station.
“This is Lakeview Hospital E.R… I’m afraid there has been an accident involving your daughter. You will need to come in as soon as possible.”
Sandi rushed through the emergency-room doors and saw Joletta and Mrs. Taylor sitting in the waiting area. Joletta’s eyes were red and puffy, and Mrs. Taylor had a protective arm around her.
“Oh, Momma! I’m so sorry!” She ran to the door and into her mother’s arm. “The doctor is examining her now. I only turned around to get the baby wipes, and she fell off the bed! Mom, I couldn’t get her to stop crying, so I ran over to Mrs. Taylor. She brought us here!”
A young doctor stepped from behind the curtained area. “Are you the mother of the Breese baby?”
“I am,” she said. “Please tell me, is she all right?”
“My name is Dr. McCauley,” he continued. “Your baby was lucky this time. Her fall was not bad enough to break the arm, but she apparently twisted it under her. It will probably be uncomfortable for a few days. Your older daughter tells me that she was babysitting while you were at work?”
A nurse carried Annie from the examination area, and when the baby saw her mother, she began to cry loudly. Sandi reached for her and held her closely. “It’s all right now, Pumpkin,” she soothed. “Momma’s got you.” Annie’s trusting blue eyes looked into her mother’s face and studied it for a moment. She then stuck her thumb in her mouth and sighed contentedly. All was “well with her world” once again.
Dr. McCauley cleared his throat and spoke. “In circumstances like this, you understand, we must contact Children’s Services. Your daughter is quite young to be expected to take on the care of such a small child. A social worker will need to make a visit to your house tomorrow to talk with you.” The Doctor’s voice was cool and impersonal. “You will have to excuse me now. I have other patients I need to see. The nurse will have papers you must sign, and she will talk with you about the medication you should give her if she has any discomfort, then she may go home.”
The older woman gathered up their coats, and they walked out of the hospital together. As she started to get into her car, she turned and gave Joletta a hug and smiled at Sandi.
Sandi tried to tell her how much she appreciated her help. “Mrs. Taylor,” she began, but she could go no further. She bursts into tears. “I am so sorry! I should have been there! What if Annie had been seriously injured?”
“There, there, it’ll be OK,” comforted Mrs. Taylor, patting Sandi on the arm.
“What am I going to do now?” Sandi sobbed, “I’m afraid they will try to take my children from me!” She was shaking as she tried to wipe the tears from her face with the sleeve of her sweater. Many months of frustration and worry spilled out right there in the hospital parking lot. “I was only trying to make a living for us! That is what they told me I had to do! I was doing the best I could. I have no one else to help. Dear God, what am I going to do?”
Mrs. Taylor’s hand was on her shoulder, and she spoke between Sandi’s sobs. “I would like to help. Perhaps the girls could stay with me while you are at work.”
“What?” Sandi blew her nose on a tissue Susan handed her. “What are you saying?”
“I enjoy the company the girls give me so much, and I’m just a lonely old lady in a great big empty house. I do wish you would at least consider it, my Dear. I know you don’t know much about me, but I assure you I would do my best to care for them. I could even get you references if you would like.”
“But… but, I have no money,” stuttered Sandi.
“No, no, my Dear, there is no need to worry about money. What does an old lady like me need with money? You don’t need to make any decisions tonight, just go home and think about it, Dear. We can talk tomorrow, but right now you need to get your family home, and you should try to get some rest.”
On Sunday, Bill and Mary drove up and parked the new Lincoln in front of his childhood home. The large yard was now mostly brown and covered in leaves of red and gold, the maples bare. Only the big oak out back still had leaves clinging to its branches. The gardener had been raking, and piles of colorful leaves lay along the edge of the road waiting for the fall cleanup crew to pick them up. It was a wonderful old house.
Bill remembered all the good times he and his brother and sister had while growing up in the sheltering shade of these huge old trees. The old Victorian in Summerset Hills was the only home he could remember, and he loved it, but Mother was getting older, and he felt she needed to realize this. He felt she would be better off living somewhere closer to them, in a nice little condo. There were also some pleasant assisted-living communities within the area. They offered many planned activities, and employees were there twenty-four hours a day to handle whatever residents needed. It was beyond reason why she adamantly refused to talk about the possibility.
This house was much too large for her now, and the neighborhood was becoming quite dilapidated. Some of the old houses had been converted into apartments or duplexes which would soon affect home values, and probably already had. His mother was a wonderful person and he only wanted the best for her. It was hard to understand why she was so stubborn. She definitely had a mind of her own! Soon Bill was to see that his ideas for what was good for Susan were certainly entirely different from hers.
The family was just sitting down to eat when Bill’s mother first mentioned the crib. “You need me to do what, Mom?”
“I need you to go up into the attic and bring down Teddy’s crib and set it up in Jillian’s bedroom.”
“What on earth would you need the crib for?”
“Are we having a baby,” interrupted 8-year-old Samantha. “Is it a girl or a boy?”
“A girl, Sweetie.” Answered her grandmother.
“Have you gone daft, Mother? What on earth are you talking about?”
Mary watched in silence as her husband and his mother glared at each other. She always enjoyed watching them spar. They were so much alike, a fact that at least Bill would vehemently deny, but their arguments never went very far, for Bill’s soft heart for his mother usually swayed any situation in her favor.
After considerable discussion and much frustration on Bill’s part, the crib that Ted had slept in some 38 years earlier was set up next to the bed that had once belonged to his sister Jillian.
Bill’s daughters did not stop asking questions for the next two hours, and though he strongly disapproved of his mother’s plan, her stubbornness had, as usual, prevailed.
As they were driving away, the sun was setting behind the old Victorian house.
“What can she be thinking?” Bill spoke as he turned the corner of the old town square.
“You know, Bill, your mother has always been a very good judge of character. I’m sure it will be all right.” She smiled and squeezed his hand.
“But Mary, she’s too old to be caring for children.”
“Now, Bill, she’s only 67 and she is in very good health. I think it is her decision to make.”
“You still can’t convince me she hasn’t gone completely mad! The very thought!”
Mary smiled and said nothing more.