Sandi held the wrinkled envelope in her hand for several minutes, looking at the still familiar handwriting. It seemed to her that after all these years, she should be able to think about Joe without hurting, but her hands shook as she slowly tore it open. The date at the top of the page was nearly five years ago. As she unfolded the letter, a business card and a picture of two golden-haired toddlers fell into her lap. She read the information on the card – “Joseph Lenders, Attorney at Law.” There was an address and phone number listed on the reverse side.
Looking at the photo, she immediately saw the resemblance. There was no doubt these children belonged to the man she had once believed she loved; she realized these little girls were half-sisters to his first child, the child who spent her entire life without knowing who her father was!
LETTER FROM JOE
My dear, sweet Sandi,
I have tried for several years to reach you and tell you just how sorry I am for all that I put you through so long ago.
I do not know what your life has been like or where you are, but I continue to hope that someday we will meet again. I was told that we had a little girl and I am hoping that there could come a time when I may meet her, perhaps a time when I might become someone special to her. I’m sure that if she is like her mother, she is smart and very beautiful.
Sandi, I will never forget your soft skin and how your hair fell around your shoulders, and you had the most beautiful eyes.
Oh, Sandi, how I loved you. I think that perhaps I still do. Why, oh why did things have to get so complicated?
Sandi thought sarcastically, Complicated! You think your life was complicated! You and your safe little world! You, and your wonderful life, with Momma and Daddy catering to your every whim! The letter continued…
I thought I could go on with my life, but I have never forgotten the times we had together.
After you told me about your condition, I was very confused and decided I needed to talk to my parents about the situation we had gotten ourselves into.
Well Sandi, they convinced me that you probably got pregnant on purpose. They said you thought that way I would marry you! They insisted that I had to think ahead, that Law School would be hard enough, and a kid and a wife would almost guarantee failure. I know now that it was wrong, but I was just so young, and I thought they knew best.
I hope you can understand getting married would have ruined all of our plans. Ever since I was small, I knew exactly what was expected of me. I was already registered to start college in the fall and they said not to trust you, it was probably not even my child!
I know that was a mistake, Sandi, and I know you were never with anyone else. I always did, I think.
That first year at college was very hard on me. For months after we broke up I couldn’t stop thinking about you and I couldn’t concentrate on my classes. It was so bad that I almost flunked out that first semester.
I thought about calling or writing, but I was so ashamed of myself that I never could work up the nerve, so I did nothing.
I want you to know that I am sincerely sorry for the way I left you. I believed you would have understood how important college was. It would have broken my parent’s hearts if I had not gone. You probably remember that Dad was a third-generation lawyer, and I always knew I was expected to follow in his footsteps.
Anyway, we were very young. I don’t know if we could have made it together, but I do know that just walking out on you was a terrible thing to do.
I should have explained how important it was for me to continue my education. Of course, I would have helped you financially, maybe later we could have gotten back together, but then you just disappeared!
Well, I hope when you read this you will understand how much I regret the way we handled things.
Please, if you ever read this letter, try to forgive me.
Also, the enclosed photo is of my two daughters, Amy and Molly, our daughter’s half- sisters.
Their mother, Monica, was a partner in my law firm; we married six years ago but sadly, we lost her to cancer last Spring, and we are now alone.
We knew for some months that she was losing ground with the cancer, but it still came as a terrible shock when she finally passed on.
It is still hard knowing she is gone.
I am now raising the children with the help of their Aunt Paige, who lives in our home. She has been with us for close to a year now. I don’t know what I would do without her. She loves the girls with all her heart and they love her equally.
Sandi, If this letter ever finds its way to you, I hope you will tell my daughter that I love her and would like to meet her and perhaps be part of her life.
I know you probably don’t think I deserve to know her, but perhaps you will change your mind. I have enclosed a business card and my personal address.
With Much Love and Many Regrets, Joe Lenders
The enclosure at the back of the few pages was what Sandi had been dreading.
The final page was a short note written directly to Joletta, though, of course it did not contain her name. He had never taken the time to find out her name.
“You self-centered bastard!” Sandi put her hand over her mouth and swallowed hard. She had cleaned up her language a long time ago, but she could think of nothing else to say–
Sandi was exhausted! How was she ever going to get any sleep?
Joe Lenders had no idea what she and Joletta had been through in the past 14 and a half years! As if he would really care anyway! It might have interfered with the “grand ambitions” he and his parents thought were so important!
She wished for a moment that she had something stronger than Cola in the house. Of course, by now she knew beyond any doubt that alcohol was not the answer to her problems. It had never been anything but a temporary fix and had never really made her feel anything but miserable!
She thought of her sister and her younger brothers that she had not seen since they were small boys. She thought of her girls and her mother. She thought of the many changes in her life since she had left her mother’s home, and she thought of Jim.
It was Jim that she needed to talk to. He would be home now and calling soon, as he did every night when she was not working.
She laid her head down on the soft pillow, tears of angry frustration, hurt and loss running down her cheeks, as she waited for the anticipated ringing of the phone.