Later in the evening, after tucking Annie into bed and saying goodnight to Joletta who was watching a program on TV, Sandi and Jim were once again sitting outside on the back patio.
The low western sky still held onto the soft colors of the setting sun, but to the east and above them, an almost surreal deep blue painted the expanse. Soon thousands of sparkling stars would be visible filling the heavens. A single robin dipped down and perched on the trellis only a short distance from them and sang its evening song.
“Jim, after Pastor Scott finished his story this afternoon, it seemed like you were getting kind of emotional. You thanked him for what he said. I’m not sure I understood what you were talking about.”
He sat quietly for several moments before he began to speak. “I guess it did get to me a little. Do you remember me telling you that when Mom was still living, we used to attend church? It was just that while Scott was talking about being saved it really brought some of the memories back from when I was younger. It has been a long time since I thought much about the commitment that I made back then to serve God.”
“When I was in high school, I loved being part of church. I was very involved and thought I had a lot of faith, but when Mom got sick, everything changed.”
“My grandparent’s and their family were raised as Southern Baptist; they loved God and never missed church or any church-related activity.”
“Mom’s parents were very unhappy when they found out that Dad was not a Christian, but Mom didn’t care. She was determined to marry him no matter what he believed. Since she was already over 21 there was not much they could do to stop it.”
“Yes, I remember you told me that. What does that have to do with how you felt today?”
“Well, when they first got married, she completely quit going to church for several years. Dad would not go with her and she wouldn’t go without him.”
“They didn’t attend at all until after I was born, but about that time she somehow convinced Dad that, even though he was not a believer, it would be best for me if they would start going. She said they needed to take me to Sunday School so I could be taught about Jesus. She argued that it would be an awful mistake not to give me the chance to understand who God was. I guess Dad just got tired of fighting about it.”
“At first, he only went because she had begged and pleaded for so long, but after a while he got acquainted with the people in the congregation and he began to participate. For a number of years we went as a family very regularly. He even joined the church after a time and became an active member, but when she was diagnosed with cancer, it changed everything.”
“For almost two years she went through so much. Surgeries, chemo, radiation treatments, you name it, she had so many procedures we lost count. Sometimes it seemed like things were getting better, but then she would find another lump, or the doctors would find more cancer on her scans and everything would start all over again. It was like being hit in the face with a baseball bat over and over again! Sometimes she was so sick and weak she could hardly hold her head up, but she was a fighter. All that time she kept on praying and fighting.”
“Then finally the cancer just took over her whole body. There was nothing more the doctors or anyone else could do, no more treatments they could try for her. Nothing.”
“It was a really, really hard time, for her and for all of us.”
Sandi leaned against his side and took his hand. “Oh, Jim, I didn’t mean to bring up such sad memories.”
He squeezed her hand and continued his story. “Mom and I continued going to church until just a few weeks before she died. She was so sure that God would heal her. She had everyone in her family and many friends that prayed for her. She always told me not to worry, that she was in God’s hands. Whatever happened would be God’s will.”
“You know, I tried to believe her but, as she got sicker, it was harder and harder to watch her just fading away like that.” He paused, drawing a deep breath and continued.
“At the same time, Dad drew further and further away. She would beg him, but he just said he wouldn’t do it anymore. He said he was sick of pretending. So, he stayed home, and no one could convince him to come back to church.”
A single tear slid down his cheek as the story went on.
“After she passed away, he never did go back. He believed God had let her down. He said he wasn’t even sure there was a God. Well, I was still pretty young, and I tried believing that it was all in His will. I knew she would not want me to give up on God the way Dad had, and I did try for a while but every time I walked into that building I would completely break down. I couldn’t seem to find God there, or anywhere, for that matter, anymore, and I decided it was just easier not to go at all.”
Jim once again became quiet and sat looking up at the stars and the tiny white sliver of the new moon.
“Are you all right, Jim? I never had any idea how bad it was for you. Your poor mom, I just can’t imagine having to go through all of that, and you and your poor dad. I’m just so sorry, Darling.”
He put his arm around her and held her to him. His shoulders shook and he cried as he had not done in years. As he got himself back under control, he spoke once again. “This afternoon, having Pastor Scott here, it kind of brought it all back. I never really thought much about how far off track I have been.”
“Sandi, I’m glad for Joletta. I am glad she’s found God. It’s where she needs to be.”
“I don’t know. I guess I’m glad. I just don’t know much about God and Jesus and all that.”
“Well maybe this is a good time to start learning. I know God is real. He isn’t just a fairy tale and I believe He wants us all to know how much He loves us. You know, I don’t think it was an accident that Scott came here today after all. Maybe he came because we needed to be reminded how far away from Him we really are.”
He held her as they sat in silence, feeling the cool night air upon their faces… both lost in their own thoughts.
“Jim, there’s one more thing. I don’t know what to tell her about this big idea she has about going to Africa. I know she wants to go badly, but I am just not ready for her to go so far away.”
“Let’s give it a few more days to think about everything. School won’t even be out for a couple of weeks. That gives us a little more time to check into things before making a final decision.”
She took a deep breath and relaxed against his arm. It felt so good having someone with whom she could share her worries and concerns.