As agreed, Luke picked Jamie up outside the Oxfam on Byres Road.
‘Ready to have some fun?’ he asked Jamie as he climbed into the car, with a glance over to the back seat and Nathan.
As if he twigged that this comment was really for the little boy’s benefit, Jamie replied, ‘I can’t wait to go on the dodgems and the slides, and I’m going to eat every toffee apple in the place.’
‘Yes, Daddy, can I have a toffee apple,’ Nathan piped up.
‘I think the magic word is please.’
‘Pleeeeeeeese,’ Nathan replied, and Luke could see in the mirror that he’d accompanied the word with the widest, toothiest smile he could muster.
‘I’m sure we can manage that,’ Luke replied as he shot a ‘well-played’ smile at Jamie. They only had a short drive to the exhibition centre, where the funfair was sited, but as usual this part of the city was heavy with traffic. After a stop-start twenty-five minutes they eventually turned into the car park, clambered out, and an overly-excited child pulled Luke by the hand to the main door.
Inside, they stopped as if hitting a wall, assailed by the lights and the happy commotion. Mechanical tunes, Christmas songs, and children’s screams of excitement blended into an ill-tuned orchestra of fun. Lights blared, giant, rose-cheeked Santas grinned from every surface that wasn’t given up to angels, elves and tinsel. Luke hadn’t been here for years and had forgotten just how frantic this place could be. People milled around – families, couples – and every child looked like their head was about to explode with the endless possibilities. Chief of which was Permission Granted: make as much noise as you can.
It was a massive space, you could fit dozens of football pitches under the giant roof, and every inch of it was crammed with something that would delight a child and dizzy their parent. It would be so easy to lose a kid in here, Luke thought, as he gripped Nathan’s hand a bit tighter. He shook that notion from his head and looked down at a little boy, who was jumping up and down on the spot.
‘Where do you want to go first?’ Luke asked.
‘Dodgems,’ shouted Nathan.
‘I’m not sure where they are, wee man,’ Luke replied, moving his head down closer to the boy’s. ‘Let’s start walking, and if you see anything you fancy before we get there, let me know, eh?’ He turned to Jamie, who had the same startled look on his face as Nathan. ‘Any requests, Jamie?’ he asked, half shouting above the noise.
Jamie tore his eyes away from the tumult around him. ‘Just … wherever, mate. Not bothered.’ He grinned. ‘It’s up to Nathan. It’s his day.’
*
Holding Nathan’s other hand, it felt to Jamie like the little boy’s excitement had travelled up his short arm to his own, and was now sparking off in his brain. He’d never experienced anything like this. No one, not even his much vaunted big brother, had thought to bring him here.
How could this be an annual event in his home city, and he get to this age and never experience it?
Nathan pulled him to a toffee apple stand, looked from him to Luke, and then back to Jamie, as if he was recruiting him as an ally.
‘Jamie wants a toffee apple,’ he said.
‘Cute,’ replied Luke with a massive smile. Then in a whisper to Jamie, ‘This boy’s going to grow up to be a politician.’
Jamie read Luke’s pride and ached for the child he had once been. The small boy who rarely, if ever, received such attention. Then he heard Amanda’s voice in his mind. Saw her at the door to their house as she waved him away. ‘This is your chance, Jamie. Fuck him up. Fuck him up bad.’
He shook her voice out of his head. Not today, Amanda. Let the boy have today. It was more than he ever had.
‘What?’ Nathan looked up at him, his cheeks sticky with toffee, and the trust in his eyes was almost enough to break Jamie’s convictions.
‘Let’s go and get you on something fun, eh?’ Jamie replied, wondering if he’d actually said something aloud.
‘You alright, buddy?’ Luke asked him.
‘Sure. Sure.’ He forced a grin. ‘All of this…’ He looked around. ‘Kinda takes you aback, aye?’
‘Sure does,’ Luke replied. Then he looked away. ‘There,’ he pointed. ‘Want to go on the slide, Nathan?’
The slide was shaped like a lighthouse, and from where Jamie was standing he could see children entering the door in the middle. They climbed up inside, and then slid down a ramp that followed the curve of the wall, all the way down from the light at the top to the floor, where one child had just spilled out on to a thick carpet, giggling and brushing off his mother’s concern.
‘Yay,’ Nathan cheered, pulled his hand from Jamie and ran to the entrance. There, a man in a light-blue baseball cap put a hand in front of Nathan to stop his progress, looking up to see if there was an adult with him.
Jamie caught his eye and nodded. And the man let Nathan past.
‘The wee fella’s having a blast,’ he said to Luke.
‘Sure is,’ Luke replied, his face shining as if it was he himself who was about to go on the ride.
Once the boy was bored with that slide, they found another, and another. Then they took a break from sliding and jumping around, and found somewhere they could throw things. Darts on a certain card would win something. The choices looked like cheap rubbish, but rubbish that kids adored.
Three darts on the same card, and Jamie won a prize. He chose a giant teddy bear and handed it to Nathan, who looked fit to burst when he took it from him.
‘Daddy, this is the best day ever,’ he said.
‘Yeah,’ Luke said. ‘Absolutely.’ Then he smiled his thanks to Jamie. ‘How about we take it down a notch? There’s a café over there. Fancy a coffee, Jamie? My treat, seeing as you’re winning all the prizes for us?’
Jamie laughed. ‘I could fair go a hot drink. Is the wee man allowed a cola?’
Luke rolled his eyes in a mock fashion. ‘Aye, okay. It’s not as if he’s not already climbing the walls.’
Jamie was beginning to feel dizzy and strangely on edge, too aware of the pulse point in his temples, so he welcomed the break in the action. A chance for some relative quiet. His ambivalence about the task Amanda had set him almost had his head bursting. Nathan was having such a good time, he was all but levitating with joy. How could you not respond to that? And the little boy’s life had been pretty difficult so far; he was only a couple of years younger than Jamie was when tragedy struck his family, so he knew how it felt. He’d been stuck in a kind of numb limbo for a long time. To witness the fortitude of this kid was like a life lesson. He wondered how much of that was down to having a stable, loving home –Luke clearly adored the ground he walked on. The boy wasn’t even his son, and he’d set about fathering the child as if his life depended on it.
Maybe it did?
With a flash of insight Jamie realised this was Luke’s way to make amends – to reconcile himself with his sins.
But did he care? Should he? Amanda didn’t. Old Testament-style retribution was her focus. She couldn’t see past Luke’s history and simply wanted him to suffer.
That was how Jamie felt too. Or it had been. His resolve had been weakened a little by this time he was spending with Luke and the boy. Their affection for each other was like a drill working through the defences he’d set up all those years ago. Bit by bit, the brick and the lye was being chipped away. But only slowly.
Pain strobed just above his left eye. Jamie pressed a thumb into the spot as if the pressure might alleviate the stabbing sensation, and wondered how he could comply with his sister’s wishes before the din, the lights, the heart-stopping clamour, and the two warring sides of his nature fractured his mind into a million tiny pieces.
*
They grabbed a table and chairs in a little area off the beaten track, in front of a catering caravan. A woman with the broadest smile and a dizzying burst of hair, pulled back from her forehead with a tie-dyed piece of cloth, brought them their drinks and a hot dog for Nathan.
‘Having a nice time, guys?’ she asked as she handed Nathan his cola.
‘The best,’ he beamed.
‘Merry Christmas when it comes, wee darling,’ she said, patted him on the head and then went back to her station inside the van.
‘You’d think all this Christmas cheer would get to her eventually,’ Jamie said, nodding in the woman’s direction.
‘You’d think,’ Luke agreed. A song he recognised started playing from the van’s speakers. A song that everyone would know. ‘But maybe she’s one of those who wishes it was Christmas every day.’ He sang the last few words in tune with the song.
Jamie groaned. ‘Got any corn to go with that?’
Luke laughed.
‘Hey,’ Jamie said, leaning closer. ‘I thought Jenna was going to be with us today.’
Luke shifted in his seat a little, wondering how to respond.
Jamie held a hand up. ‘Sorry I asked. Life’s complicated, eh?’
‘S’okay,’ Luke replied, and allowed a little of the sadness of missing Jenna cloud his eyes. ‘I’m hoping we get through this, you know?’
‘Help to talk about it?’
Luke reached across and patted Jamie’s shoulder. ‘Thanks, mate. Appreciate it. I just need to process it myself first, you know?’ He sat back in his chair. Attention fully on Jamie, aware that his smile was strained and his eyes appeared to be too large. ‘You’ve never been to anything quite like this, have you?’
Jamie shook his head. ‘Truth? No. But there’s a wee boy in here’ – he pointed at his head – ‘who’s glad it happened at last.’
Studying the gleam in Jamie’s eyes, Luke could see that the man was working at being open and honest, trying to keep his defences down. Then, as if aware of how deep Luke’s scrutiny had been, the shutters slammed back up.
Luke watched as Jamie slowly stroked the sides of his legs. He worried he didn’t have the tools to give Jamie the help he really needed. Something told him there was way more to the psychological workings of this young man than he first realised.
*
Jamie could tell that Nathan was more than ready to get going again. His feet were drumming his need to move into the carpet beneath them. The sweet drink and the hot dog had clearly replenished his energy. His little head was on a swivel as he looked around them as if working out where to go next.
‘There,’ he pointed.
Jamie and Luke followed the direction of his finger.
‘Dodgems,’ they all exclaimed at the same time.
After a short wait in the queue, Luke and Nathan jumped in one car, and Jamie in another. They chased each other around the circle, occasionally hitting other cars and bumping into each other. The look of excitement and delight on Nathan’s face didn’t ease up the entire time they were on the ride. When their time came to an end, Jamie could hear him chanting, even above the noise of the music:
‘Again. Again. Again.’
Jamie joined them as Luke was explaining to the boy that they would have to go back to the end of the queue and wait for another turn.
‘Okay,’ Nathan said. ‘Let’s go.’ And started pulling Luke with him.
This time their wait was longer. Luke caught Jamie’s eye, just as Jamie felt his phone vibrate an alert in his pocket.
‘That coffee’s gone right through me,’ Luke said. ‘You mind looking after the wee fella while I go find a loo?’
‘Sure,’ Jamie said, taking Nathan’s hand. ‘We’re going to have so much fun,’ he said to the boy. ‘Bet we can go around three times before your dad gets back.’
‘Yay,’ Nathan sang in reply.
Luke walked away, smiling, and Jamie checked his phone. A text had arrived from his sister.
Well?
Jamie felt the little boy’s hand grip his, shook his head as if trying to clear it and released himself from Nathan. ‘Just need to answer my phone, mate,’ he said to the boy.
Both hands free now, he tamped down his reservations and thumbed out a reply.
Don’t worry, sis. Mr Forrest’s day is about to go horribly wrong.