Josh’s phone had died on the way back, and it was after ten by the time he got back to the hotel. Something told him he’d owe Rose an even bigger apology than he had for ghosting her a decade ago.
He paused with his hand on the door, his forehead pressed against the cool wood. Inexplicably, he thought of Dave and Vicky’s wedding. She’d looked amazing that day. Not frumpy or overdone, as bridesmaids sometimes were, but shining brightly in a crimson strapless number that fit her name, and a smile of joy for her friend on her face. He had meant to ask her to move in with him that day.
He couldn’t have predicted the call he’d get from Kara that same afternoon. They’d broken up a few months earlier. She’d waited to tell anyone about the pregnancy until she was certain about her course of action. A long-distance relationship that had barely lasted a handful of weeks wound up being his entire life.
That life, it was supposed to have been with Rose. And after tonight, she might never speak to me again.
He dragged his card through the reader with all the enthusiasm of slogging through mud, the beep and click of the lock prompting him to suck in a breath. Time to face the music.
Except, as he entered the dimly lit room, there was no music. Not even the quiet rumble of an old TV movie or the tap of a laptop keyboard.
What he did see was his son. Sleeping. Curled up next to Rose with his hand on her cheek. Rose lay reclined against a pile of pillows with her lips parted in that slack way they did when people were dreaming.
Josh’s stomach clenched as a flurry of emotions spun inside him. The supreme love of his life, his child, lay curled up next to a woman who (if he was being honest with himself) he also still happened to love.
Though Josh had always avoided his sexual partners getting too close to his son, it looked as if they were both right where they belonged.
That contradiction of rightness and impossibility made Josh dizzy. In a couple of weeks, maybe less depending on Vicky’s uterus, he and Harrison would leave. Spring break would be long over, and there would be catching up to do for school. There would be groveling for Josh to do with his boss. And Rose had already told him she only wanted to be friends.
Their timing had just never been right, had it?
He strode over to the pullout sofa. “Hey,” he said as he nudged Rose’s shoulder. “Everything okay?”
She blinked up at him, confused. And sort of sexy. Actually, very sexy.
“Harrison asked me to lie next to him, so he could sleep,” she whispered.
Of course he had. Josh should’ve seen that coming.
Rose’s eyes narrowed. “Hey, jackhole. Whatever that look is about, you can stop right now. You’re the one who didn’t come back.”
Direct hit. Josh’s shoulders caved. “No, I’m mad at myself. This meeting… It was harder than I expected.”
Rose carefully extracted herself from Harrison’s sleepy grasp. “Well, I don’t know what ‘it’ was but I’m glad you made it back okay. I’ll get out of your hair.”
“Wait.” He touched a hand to her shoulder. “Please,” he added. “I could use a drink, and I’d like to explain.”
He owed her something for taking advantage of the favor she’d done for him. For that matter, he wasn’t quite ready for her to leave him alone with his thoughts.
She looked from Harrison to Josh and back to Harrison.
“Don’t worry, he sleeps like the dead. We won’t wake him by just talking.”
“You were kind of a dick earlier,” she said.
“I would argue that I was a major dick.”
“I mean, I babysat your sick kid and everything.”
“You should punch me in the face.”
She bit her lip and then studied him, as if taking the suggestion seriously. “I’ll stay for a few minutes,” she said. “But forget the drink. That minibar alcohol is a rip-off, and if I rage drink, I really might punch you in the face.”
Her agreement pleased him more than it should. “Thank you. Am I pressing my luck if I ask for a hug?”
“Yes.” She shuffled toward him with bare feet. “But I’ll do it anyway. You look like someone kicked your dog.”
He rested his head on her shoulder. “God, I missed this.”
“It was ages ago, Josh.”
“I meant today. I got my guts sent through a blender, and this girl… I just…I wanted you to be there. I should never have shut you out. And I missed you. I hope you’re not mad at me for saying that, but it’s true. I keep telling myself it’s easier if we’re not in each other’s lives, but do you really think it’s true? Because I’m not so sure.”
“Okay. First? Talk to me about what happened.”
He’d made her tea. Rose told herself that she’d need the caffeine to drive home, and it wasn’t a sweet gesture so much as a pragmatic one. As was her decision to sit next to him on his bed, because the only other locations were Harrison’s sofa bed and a desk chair across the room. In spite of Josh’s insistence that they wouldn’t wake Harrison, it seemed prudent to stay close and whisper.
Josh’s touch, his I missed this, thrummed through her veins. She tried to ignore it. He’d had a long day, his emotions seemed to be running hot. Not that hers were as frosty as they probably ought to be.
She wrapped her hands around the mug as he settled beside her on the bed. “Okay, so first, we should establish that I’m an asshole.”
“Established many moons ago,” she murmured.
He made a choking noise that brought a smile to her face. “Okay. Good. Just wanted to be sure we were clear. I was gonna offer to let you knee me in the balls or something if that helped.”
She stifled a chuckle. “Not necessary, but thank you.” As much as she wanted to stay mad at him, he was making it hard.
“Okay. In all seriousness,” he said after a heavy silence. “I handled it badly, with us. And I handled it badly today. I had some therapy after Kara’s accident but maybe not enough.”
“I already told you,” she said. “I understand why you left. It isn’t your fault Kara was pregnant. Or…I guess it kind of was, but it’s not your fault as in you didn’t know when you made all of those promises to me. Doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt, but… I do understand.”
“Yeah. Still. The whole thing was messed up. Kara and I had agreed we were better as friends. You and I started to get serious. Then the next thing I knew, I found out Harrison was on the way.”
She knew. She’d known for years. Why did hearing it still flip her stomach in uncomfortable ways?
Her silence seemed not to bother him. “You have to understand, I was thrown for a huge loop. I’m a faithful user of condoms. Her parents were pressuring her to make decisions she didn’t want to, and I could barely wrap my head around the idea of being a father. I didn’t know what to do. Her parents threatened to disown her and pull her college money, and I felt it my duty to ensure she and Harris had a stable home. Health insurance and whatnot. But not keeping you in my life, Rose. It’s my biggest regret.”
Rose’s heart went all mushy. As much as it had hurt to hear about Josh’s marriage later from Victoria, Rose wasn’t sure what she’d have had him do differently. While a goodbye would have been nice, he’d stepped up and taken responsibility for his son. She admired that he had.
She glanced over at a sleeping Harrison, who’d hugged a pillow for dear life in her absence. “You’ve done a great job. He’s a good kid,” she said.
“I’m doing my best.” He shrugged as if to dismiss her praise, but the pride in Josh’s eyes made her chest hurt. Rose’s parents had never looked at her and her sister with the admiration and awe that Josh had when he gazed at his son.
A shining speck of moisture appeared below his eyelid. Rose lifted a hand to brush it away, but let it fall back to her lap when he said, “After Kara’s accident, I donated her organs. The young woman who got her heart, she’s been asking to meet for over a year. I kept putting it off, but then when Dave asked me to come down for the birth, I figured I could kill two birds with one stone. I was in Richmond today, meeting with her and her fiancé. Saying hello, and also goodbye. I didn’t mean to get back so late, but it was all kind of…”
“A lot?” It must have been. She couldn’t even imagine what he was feeling.
“A lot,” he agreed. “Too much.” He sighed and sank back against the headboard. “The thing is, our marriage sucked the way you’d probably expect it to when two people get married for reasons other than actually loving each other. I used the fact that I needed to work and support them as an excuse to check out. Kara was stressed over trying to take classes part time while caring for Harrison. The tension between us was hell. The night she died, we’d been fighting, and I’ll always feel a little like it was my fault. Maybe if we hadn’t argued, she would have driven more carefully or…”
He shrugged again, seeming at a loss.
Oh, Josh.
Rose set down her tea and settled closer on the bed. Turning toward him, she gripped his arm. “You can’t blame yourself. Any number of things could have happened.”
He shook his head in apparent disagreement but said nothing. When Rose reached to thread her fingers through the hand that rested on his chest, he didn’t complain or pull away. Perhaps he needed the comfort right then. Perhaps they both did.
Beneath their palms, his heart beat a little fast but strong and steady. “Josh, you know it’s true. You can’t change the past. Don’t take this on yourself.”
Said the girl who still blamed herself for the fact that her sister didn’t speak to her.
As they stared at each other, unable to voice all the heavy things they were probably both thinking, Rose’s phone trilled quietly from her purse, which sat across the room next to the coffee maker.
“You need to get that?”
She shook her head.
Josh coughed and chuckled softly. Rose liked that sound. “It’s just that, you know, that night in my rental car. We were halfway to…”
“Yeah.” Not only was she perfectly aware, but they’d been well over halfway there. Her lady parts still protested over the fact that they hadn’t ever finished.
“I’m just saying. You answered your phone like it was life or death at the time.”
“I’d been waiting for an important call.”
“Vicky?”
Rose shook her head. “My sister. We haven’t talked in a while, but I’d messaged to wish her a happy birthday, and I’d hoped she was calling me back to talk. Turns out she’d called just to tell me not to contact her anymore.”
“Didn’t realize it had gotten that rough between you two.”
“Neither had I.” Frankly, Rose wondered if she’d hear from her sister ever again.
“I’m sorry. Family can definitely be a challenge.”
Rose nodded. Josh didn’t really speak to his half-brother, Michael. Until just over a year ago, David hadn’t been in contact with their brother, either. It struck her as funny how some people could be so dedicated to family loyalty, and others… Well, blood didn’t always equal love.
“Do you think you’ll ever talk to Michael?”
He blew out a breath. Rose tried to figure out why she wanted him to say yes so badly. Sucked to think all families around her were broken, maybe.
“I don’t know,” he said at last. “Part of me is having trouble letting go. I mean, Dad wasn’t around for a lot of things because of work or because he was busy with another family. Last couple of times I’ve been to my mom’s, she’s been so drunk— Excuse me. She’s had a ‘headache,’” he said with air quotes, “and she wasn’t as bad before he left her. It’s hard not to want to lay blame.”
“But Michael isn’t the one who cheated,” she whispered as gently as she could.
He turned sideways on the bed to face her. “You’re right. But it’s difficult because of everything he represents, you know?”
She did know. It was probably the way her sister felt about Rose. Not that it hurt any less to understand.
She scooted toward him, leaning close. The achy look in his eyes made her gut clench, and she suddenly wanted so badly to wipe that pain away.
He swallowed and licked his lips. The lips that were barely a couple of inches from her own. She didn’t realize their hands were still connected until he squeezed his fingers around hers, and the feeling spread through her like a million butterflies.
“Did you mean what you said before? About us?”
“More than I’ve ever meant anything. Except when I told Harrison that the next time I caught him sneaking my tablet to bed, I’d sell it.”
“I’m scared,” she said. Probably the most honest thing she’d said in a long time. “But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss you.”
He squeezed her fingers again. “Do you think maybe we could work out some way to be scared together?”
She didn’t have the first clue how they could. But wouldn’t she regret if they didn’t try? Look at what not trying had gotten them before.
She parted her lips, but wasn’t sure how to answer. So she did what she seemed to always do when she wasn’t sure what to say to Josh.
She kissed him. And when he wrapped his arms around her to pull her close, she didn’t want to let go.
“I’ve been thinking,” he whispered. “We’ve been given another chance. Don’t we owe it to ourselves to take it?”
Funny how Rose kept telling herself she didn’t need to hear those words. Yet once she did, she couldn’t stop smiling. “I don’t know.” She smiled and looked over her shoulder at a sleeping Harrison, still curled around his pillow. “I do really like your kid. You could maybe use some work.”
He laughed and tightened his arms around her waist. “Guess it’s lucky for me we’re a package deal.”
“Yeah.” She smiled against his cheek. “I guess it is.”