When I was little, there were things I couldn’t think about without getting a headache. One: the infinity of numbers. Two: the infinity of the sky. Three: the infinity of God. Four: the finiteness of Mother and Father.
I’ve gotten over numbers one to three, but number four, well, no matter if you have a couple of lifetimes to get used to it, I don’t think anybody is ever ready for their mother or father to die, do you? They could be one hundred and fifty years old, and you’d still yell, —Hey, wait a minute!—when their time came. That’s what I think.
In a way, you’re waiting your whole life. Like a guillotine. You don’t have to look up to know it’s there. Somehow you think you’re going to be courageous when the hour arrives, but I felt as if my bones had been drawn from me. The shock of seeing Father strapped in a hospital bed, anchored by machines and tubes, and Father not being able to talk, his body bubbling over in rage and fear and pain. I couldn’t hold myself up. Like those mummies in the basement of the Field Museum; they pulled their innards out through the nostrils and stuffed them with cloves. That’s how I felt when I watched Father, nurses hustling around him and hustling us out. I couldn’t hold myself up.
Father’s been moved to Intensive Care. He’s only allowed visitors one at a time, and right now Mother is in there.
I plant myself on a vinyl couch in the waiting area, but the room is full of little kids pretending to do their homework while watching The Newlywed Game, laughing too loudly and spitting sunflower seed shells at each other. I want to listen to anything but their racket and that stupid TV show. I keep trying to pray, but the words to the Hail Mary get tangled inside my head, like when you crochet and miss a stitch and have to unravel what you just did. It’s been such a long time since I prayed. I wander out to the hall and find a row of plastic stack chairs, and this is where I arrange myself with my eyes shut so I can concentrate on praying.
—He wants to see you, Mother says, plopping herself in the plastic chair next to me. I must’ve been asleep, because the sound of her voice makes me jump. Then I don’t have an excuse, I have to go in there.
—Lala.
Mother calls me back, patting the plastic chair next to her, motioning for me to sit down again.
—Lala, listen to me. She takes a deep breath. —I know you think your father’s perfect … Don’t roll your eyes, smart aleck. You don’t even know what I’m going to say. Listen. You think he’s perfect, but you don’t know him like I know him.
—I’ve known him my whole life!
—What’s your life? You’ve only been on the planet fifteen years! What the hell does a huerca like you know?
—I know lots of things.
—Just enough to get you into trouble.
She means Ernesto. The fact that she’s right only makes me more pissed.
—Lala, I’m talking to you. I was waiting to tell you this for when you were older, but with your father this sick, he might … Well, I just think it’s time.
A pain flutters through my chest like a fish darting through a current of cold water, and I hear a voice inside my head say, Pay attention! Listen. Even if it hurts. Especially if it hurts.
—Your father, Mother says. —Before me and him got married … he already had a kid. Out of wedlock I mean. I didn’t know about this before I married him, and even after, nobody told me nothing. For the longest.
His family kept it quiet. I didn’t find out till after I had all you kids. Remember that trip we took to Acapulco? That’s when I found out. I don’t know if you remember this or not, but there was a criada who went with us. I can’t think of her name. Her. That girl was your father’s first kid. Your grandma was the big-mouth. She acted like I knew all along, but she was just taking her time, a fat spider waiting in her web. That was her, your grandmother, nothing but a troublemaker. If there was a way for her to tie knots in other people’s lives, believe me, she’d find it.
She was shameless. For crying out loud, she had both the mother and daughter working for her right under her own roof. Even when we were there visiting! If that don’t beat all! That’s what kills me when I think about it. Right under my own nose she did this. I mean what kind of woman …? And how the hell do you think I felt? No respect for me, his wife. What kind of lowlife? And los Reyes always pretending to be better than my family. We were poor, but we didn’t do any filthy things like that, that’s for sure. Christ! I feel like slapping the crap out of somebody even now.
Look, I didn’t want you to find out from somebody mean and be surprised and hurt like I was, Lala. I just thought you should know, that’s all.
I think about Candelaria bobbing in the sea at Acapulco. The sun sparkling in little gold flecks all around her. Her face squinting that squint that I make, that Father makes. Her face suddenly Father’s face.
And I think about Candelaria’s mother, the washerwoman I remember as being so old and ugly. Was Father in love and did love make her beautiful once? Or was he just a chamaco driven by hungers that have nothing to do with love? Did he ever lie awake nights and wonder about her? Did he ever worry what happened to his first daughter? Does it hurt to think about them? Is that why he’s been so good to us? Father’s always been such a sucker when it comes to kids.
—Poor Papa.
—That’s it? Poor Papa? What about me! I’m the one that got treated like dirt. And he’s never even said I’m sorry or anything. All these years. That’s the worst of it. Your father …
—Ma, he’s sick! Give him a break!
—Okay, so he’s sick. It still don’t make it right … Well, you going to go in and see him or what?
—You drop a bomb like this, and then you want me to go in there? Can’t I just think for a minute?
—I ain’t got all day. Hospitals make me sick. I need to get home. It’s getting dark already.
—So go, go. The boys will be here soon. I’ll get a ride home with somebody.
Father has his eyes shut. He doesn’t even know I’m here. A machine monitoring something inside him makes mountain ranges of “v”s across a screen. That nervous needle jumping up and down and bleeping now and then, and my father’s heart not too good, and how I wish I could trade hearts, give him mine because it’s too terrible to see Father like this, hooked up to tubes and plastic bags and machines, his body ragged and tired and broken, acabado, I think.
I pull a chair up next to his bed, and lay my head down on the sheets. Sometimes fluorescent lights seem almost peaceful, the roar of air conditioner and the soft beeping of some equipment doing its job. Sometimes the phones purr when they ring. Powder-blue uniforms march about silently in thick rubber shoes on blue-tiled floors. The fluorescent lights, white cork ceilings, white sheets and white flannel blankets, and snowflake hospital gowns, the polished sheen of serious chrome and steel. Everyone laboring so quietly at times. And sometimes, but only sometimes, a voice, a laugh, a louder-than-life noise startles you from your hum of sleep.
The room floods with the stink of fried meat. Perched on the headboard, it’s her! The Awful Grandmother. At the sight of me she clambers down and wraps herself around him.
—You’ve had him long enough. Now it’s my turn, she hisses.
—No! Not yet, I say, anchoring Father by the ankles. —Let go of him, you greedy perra.
—You can’t talk that way to me. I’m your grandmother.
—You’re still a greedy bitch. Same as always. Nothing but a metiche, mirona, and mitotera. A busybody, an ogler, a taleteller. Una hocicona.
—Well, that’s fine, because I’m you.
Then she laughs a terrible laugh like a knife slicing my cheek. This takes me by surprise, and I let go of my grip.
And I know I exaggerate a lot, but this is the truth. Father’s face is no longer his face. His skin turns into the skin of a plucked chicken, wattled and fatty and yellow. And his eyes suddenly open, mean and beady, sweeping across the room from floor to ceiling like searchlights, like bells. It’s the Awful Grandmother.
A little cry wants to come out of my mouth, but I’m too scared to cry. That awful face on top of the face I love. I don’t know what to do. Father shuts his eyes again, and for a wisp of a moment all the life is drawn out of him, his body turns the color of wet sand. Very quickly. All of this happening in seconds before my eyes. The Awful Grandmother holds him to her breast, sighs, —Mijo.
—Live, live, I say to Father.
—He’s tired of living, the Awful Grandmother snaps.
—Who are you to say? He needs us. We need him. We can’t … I can’t … live without him.
—And do you think I can live without him?
—But you’re not living, you’re dead.
—That’s right, he’s killing me. I’m all alone here!
—Alone? Aren’t you … on the other side?
The Grandmother’s face crumples and her mouth opens wide. —Well, it’s that I’m halfway between here and there. I’m in the middle of nowhere! Soy una ánima sola.
Then she starts to howl and lets go of Father, and Father’s color is his own again. And for the first time in my life, I feel sorry for the Grandmother. Her cries are like the yelping of a dog hit by a car, a terrible, ancient sadness, from below the belly. I’ve heard that cry before. I cried like that too, when the ambulance came for Father. A cry like a hiccup, over and over, and you can’t do a thing about it.
—Grandmother?
I want to touch the Grandmother’s shoulder, but don’t know how. I never hugged her when she was alive, and it’s too late to start now. —Grandmother, why do you keep haunting me?
—Me? Haunting you? It’s you, Celaya, who’s haunting me. I can’t bear it. Why do you insist on repeating my life? Is that what you want? To live as I did? There’s no sin in falling in love with your heart and with your body, but wait till you’re old enough to love yourself first. How do you know what love is? You’re still just a child.
—But I saw God when we made love.
—Of course you did. You think that’s a miracle? Smell a flower and you’ll see God too. God’s everywhere. And yes, he’s in the act of love too. And so? That boy’s not the only one who can love you like that. There’ll be others, there ought to be others, you must have others. Ay, Celaya, don’t wind up like me, settling with the first man who paid me a compliment. You’re not even a whole person yet, you’re still growing into who you are. Why, all your life you’ll be growing into who you are. That’s the trouble. God gives us the urge for love when we’re still children, but the age of reason doesn’t arrive till we’re well into our forties. You don’t want somebody who doesn’t know his own heart, do you? Look, he’s a little boy, and you’re a little girl. You’ll find someone who’s brave enough to love you. Some day. One day. Not today.
—Father says, “You’ll never find anyone who loves you as much as your papá.”
—That’s because he’s jealous. Listen to me, jealousy is a terrible thing. Look where it got me. Ay, Celaya, no wonder I’m here, neither alive nor dead.
The Grandmother arranges herself on Father’s pillow like a big, sad vulture, a pitiful thing to look at, sniffling and crying.
—Grandmother, that day on the boat in Acapulco, you told my mother about Candelaria, didn’t you? That Father was also Candelaria’s father, am I right? Why did you do that? Why? She didn’t have to know, my mother. Why hurt her?
—It was because of love.
—Love!
—Yes, go ahead, make fun of a miserable like me. I told because of love, believe it or not. I wanted your father for my own. I didn’t want to share him anymore. I told because your mother makes me sick with her smart remarks. I told because your mother hated me so, she hates me still. That’s why I’m stuck here. I need everyone I hurt to forgive me. You’ll tell them for me, won’t you, Celaya? You need to tell them for me, I’m sorry Celaya. You’re good with talk. Tell them, please, Celaya. Make them understand me. I’m not bad. I’m so frightened. I never wanted to be alone, and now look where I am.
—And why hasn’t Father told me about Cande?
—There are some stories a parent can’t tell his child.
—But I thought Father was un caballero.
—He is. He’s a gentleman. Feo, fuerte, y formal. That’s your father. Can’t you see it’s mortified him his entire life? That’s why he tries so hard to be a good father with you all. To make up for it. He tries, Celaya. I hear him thinking late at night. I hear his thoughts.
Look, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, Celaya, I swear to you. But then I didn’t understand how your father loved me. And I was so afraid. He came to visit less and less, and he had all you children to love. And I’d already lost Narciso years ago, and before that my own mother and father.
—But you have other kids, Grandmother.
—They don’t understand me or love me the way Inocencio loves me. So completely you think you’ll die when you lose that love, you think no one will ever love you like that again. Celaya, it’s so lonely being like this, neither dead nor alive, but somewhere halfway, like an elevator between floors. You have no idea. What a barbarity! I’m in the middle of nowhere. I can’t cross over to the other side till I’m forgiven. And who will forgive me with all the knots I’ve made out of my tangled life? Help me, Celaya, you’ll help me cross over, won’t you?
—Like a coyote who smuggles you over the border?
—Well … in a manner of speaking, I suppose.
—Can’t you get somebody else to carry you across?
—But who? You’re the only one who can see me. Oh, it’s terrible being a woman. The world doesn’t pay attention to you until you grow tetas, and then once they dry up, you turn invisible again. You’re the only one who can help me, Celaya. You’ve got to help me. After all, I’m your grandmother. You owe it to me.
—And what do you owe me?
—What is it you want?!!!
I flick my chin toward the man sleeping between us. —Him.
The Grandmother cradles Father in her arms as if she has no intention … Then she looks up at me, with those eyes that are my eyes, and sighs, —For now. Not for always, but for a little while longer.
I feel a great relief, like if I’d forgotten how to breathe until now.
—You’ll tell my story, won’t you, Celaya? So that I’ll be understood? So that I’ll be forgiven?
—Tell, I’m listening.
—Now? Here? Well. All right, then. If you insist. Well, where do I begin?
—In my day, the storytellers always began a story with “So here my history begins for your good understanding and my poor telling …”
And so the Grandmother began: —Once, in the land of los nopales, before all the dogs were named after Woodrow Wilson …
* A famous chronicler of Mexico City stated Mexicans have modeled their storytelling after the melodrama of a TV soap opera, but I would argue that the telenovela has emulated Mexican life. Only societies that have undergone the tragedy of a revolution and a near century of inept political leadership could love with such passion the telenovela, storytelling at its very best since it has the power of a true Scheherazade—it keeps you coming back for more. In my opinion, it’s not the storytelling in telenovelas that’s so bad, but the insufferable acting.
The Mexicans and Russians love telenovelas with a passion, perhaps because their twin histories confirm la Divina Providencia the greatest telenovela screenwriter of all, with more plot twists and somersaults than anyone would ever think believable. However, if our lives were actually recorded as telenovelas, the stories would appear so ridiculous, so naively unbelievable, so preposterous, ill-conceived, and ludicrous that only the elderly, who have witnessed a lifetime of astonishments, would ever accept it as true.