Shanna recoiled from Cody, horrified that she'd let such vital information slip. Diedre's solicitor had warned her what could happen if Christian Van Alstyne found his wife's lover before Shanna did.
More alarming, though, was the stab of pain coursing through her as she stared at Cody's face, where the teasing glint quickly disintegrated into a stone mask.
"I see," Cody said in a cold voice. "And just why haven't you contacted your fiancè to tell him you're here?"
"You don't see. He's not...he's...I can't discuss it with you. I can assure you that it won't interfere with my caring for Melinda."
"Oh? And just how the hell can I be sure of that? What else have you lied to me about?" Cody fired another staccato question, ignoring her outraged attempt to interrupt. "Damn it, was I right when I brought up how Toby acts more like your son than your brother? Is Toby really your son — the child of you and your fiancè?"
Shanna scrambled to her feet, prepared to defend herself against Cody's despicable allegations, only to see him climbing down the ladder.
"I haven't lied to you, damn it!" she called after him, fighting tears and choking on her words. "I have good reason not to tell anyone why I'm in Missouri. And you can assume any damned thing you want, Cody Garret, but you'll be assuming wrong! You better not say something like that to Toby or I'll...somehow I'll make sure you regret it!"
Cody jumped from the last rung of the ladder and glared back up.
"I wouldn't dream of shattering a blameless child's illusions. However, having someone of questionable moral character teaching my daughter is another matter. I'll give you a couple days to think about it, but I want a full explanation by then. Otherwise, I'll have a talk with Aunt Bessie!"
Standing in the shadowy loft as she was, Cody couldn't see the tears on Shanna's face, but he couldn't ignore the agonized panic in her voice. When she whirled from the edge of the loft, he reached out a hand to climb up the ladder, his anger turning to torment as he thought of her crying alone in the darkness.
And, hell, in a corner of his mind he had known even as he hurled the words at her that they couldn't be true. Shanna hadn't kissed him like a woman experienced in love, though if he'd held on to that dastardly temper of his a moment longer, he might have changed that. Why had her words goaded him into such a stupid retaliation?
Now wasn't the time to talk to her — not with both their tempers so hot — not when he had climbed down the ladder to stifle the urge to shake her silly. He damned sure couldn't trust himself up there in the dark alone with her right now, especially with the green pangs of jealousy so close to the surface of his emotions. Especially with the taste of her lips and the feel of her pliant body still lingering. And, most especially, not with the the words of love he came so close to uttering still ringing persistently in his mind.
Love? Like hell!
Cody shook his head vehemently. Hell, he'd only known her a little over a week. Admiration, yes, and respect. He wasn't sure just when his prickly defense at her interference in his life had changed to reluctant admiration and respect as he watched her tackle any task set before her. His eyes were always drawn unerringly to her whenever he encountered her, surrounded by either a bunch of children or a group of women, chattering easily while they sewed curtains or dished up a meal for the men.
He had come to look forward to her presence at supper, a meal now an enjoyable experience of shared conversations of the day just past, rather than a dogged fight between Bessie and Melinda as to how much Melinda would eat before she got dessert. How easy that had been — allowing Melinda to choose her own-size portions from the bowls and platters on the table. Last night, she had even asked for a second helping of mashed potatoes.
And sexual desire — definitely he felt a desire to possess Shanna's delectable body. That's all it was when he reached down to brush that piece of hay from her flushed and rounded cheek in the dim light, drawn by her eyes misty with unleashed passion and lips pouting for his kisses. Hell, he'd fought that urge before when necking with a woman — his thrusting manhood yearning for the secret pocket of moist pleasure that could send both him and his partner into such a frenzy.
He'd never given in to the empty promises of love other men used to gain access to sexual coupling without ending up bound by a marriage band. And he wouldn't do it now — especially since Shanna was obviously saving that lush body for some other man! Hardening his heart, Cody strode out of the barn, the echoes of Shanna's muffled sobs following him.
That evening, Bessie passed around pieces of the pie she had made from the last of the dried apples, carefully perusing each face as she set the dessert down. She made a matter-of-fact effort to ignore Melinda's mutinous pout when she bypassed the little girl's plate, but the other figures at the table each cast a surreptitious look at the little girl. Instead of digging into their pie, they each took a small, polite bite and began pushing the pie around on the plates.
Except for Toby, Bessie realized with a smile. After his first bite, he glanced somewhat guiltily at Melinda and dug in with unrestrained ardor.
"May I be excused, Daddy?" Melinda asked after a moment.
"Go ahead, child," Bessie finally answered when she realized Cody wasn't even going to acknowledge Melinda's good manners. "But take your plate to the sink first and rinse it off."
"Yes, ma'am." After one last, longing glance at the pie still on the table, Melinda slid from her chair and picked up her plate.
Bessie scraped her own untouched pie back and pushed the pan toward Shanna and Cody.
"If you two don't want your pie, put it back and we'll save it for tomorrow night. I just don't know what's going on around here. I baked that pie as a celebration for the school getting started, but the atmosphere around this table tonight sure doesn't do justice to my efforts!"
"Excuse me," Cody said, shoving his chair back. "I'm going out and finish the evening chores."
"I'll be there in a minute, Cody," Toby called after Cody's retreating back.
"Take your time, son," Cody replied distractedly. He jerked his coat from the hook on the wall and let the door slam behind him.
Toby shoveled his last bite of pie into his mouth, then glanced apprehensively at Shanna while he chewed the morsel of pastry. When Shanna didn't notice his too-full mouth, instead continuing to toy with a chunk of apple on her plate, he swallowed and slipped from his chair.
"Excuse me?" Toby directed his request to Bessie, while Shanna cut the chunk of apple into ever smaller fragments.
Bessie nodded, and Toby gathered his dirty plate and utensils to carry to the sink, where Melinda still stood on a chair she had pulled up in order to reach the pan of water left for the dishes.
Surprising Toby, Melinda reached for his plate. "I'll rinse it, Toby," she said in a small voice. "Was...was the pie good?"
"Best I ever ate," Toby said honestly. "Maybe Aunt Bessie will make another one when you can have some."
"I hope so," Melinda said, scraping his plate into a bowl of scraps for the chickens. "Toby, I...I'm sorry I rode your pony without per... permish...."
"It's all right. I'm just glad you didn't get hurt too bad."
"I...I was scared when Chessy ran and I couldn't stop him."
"Bet you were," Toby said sympathetically. "Next time, we'll put your own saddle on and make sure you've got a good seat first."
"Thanks, Toby."
A few minutes later, Shanna gave a start, eyeing the empty table before looking around the room. She found Bessie at the sink, dipping plates into a pan of hot water to rinse them.
"I'm sorry, Bessie. Where on earth is everyone?"
"Melinda asked if she could go out and help Toby and Cody with the chores."
"Then at least let me finish those dishes," Shanna said as she crossed to the sink.
"I'm just about done. You better get busy on your lessons. I'll be in to help you, soon as I dry these."
The stern set of Bessie's mouth told Shanna any further attempt to assist would be met with a cold shoulder. Reluctantly, she turned and walked into the parlor.
She couldn't really blame Bessie, she thought as she settled into the chair behind the desk, now polished to a high sheen. Her distraction that afternoon while she helped prepare the evening meal had exasperated Bessie. At one point, Bessie had grabbed the salt container from Shanna's hand when Shanna started to shake it over the apples, instead of the cinnamon Bessie had told her to use.
Shanna didn't have much more luck now in focusing her thoughts. After scribbling a couple lines, she pushed the lesson book aside and leaned back in the chair. Staring at the dark window beyond the lantern light, she noticed streaks of moisture running down the pane. It must be thawing out — at least the children would have no trouble getting to school the day after tomorrow.
Instead of the thought cheering her, as it would have earlier today, Shanna blinked her eyes in an attempt to keep her face from tracking like the window. How on earth was she going to be able to concentrate on teaching a classroom full of children with her own life in such a turmoil? Would she even be here the day school started — or would Cody insist she leave? If he did, how would he explain it to all the parents, who were depending upon her to teach their children?
And, why oh why, did the remembrance of those soft, then demanding, stirring kisses in the barn overshadow all her worries about everything else?
It would have been so easy to yield to that heady desire. In fact, she admitted, she had for a time, drinking in that exhilarating pleasure, straining for more, realizing she had been longing for more of his kisses ever since the first one at the hotel.
Why had she found the one man who could satisfy her craving to experience complete womanhood now? Why did he have to be a man so good with Toby? With such tempting kisses — hands callused by his work, but gentle, yet strong, whether he was soothing a hurt child or caring for a new colt — or tracing circles on her back, spreading sensual ecstasy through her veins and a gluttonous desire for more pounding through her mind.
How could only being with him for one short week change her absolute certainty that he was an overbearing, arrogant oaf to the knowledge that only Cody Garret could fill the dim image in her mind of a man to share her life completely — a father for the children she yearned for — a man to grow old and and gray with her, until they retired to twin rocking chairs and watched their grandchildren grow?
Somehow even the hostility she sensed for years between her mother and father hadn't quelled Shanna's dreams. Somewhere out there waited her own knight in shining armor, whom she could love wholeheartedly.
Even before Toby's birth, Shanna and her girlhood friends discussed the men they would eventually marry. Tall and handsome, of course. Some favored dark, but the description varied depending upon which of the young swains caught their eyes at the most recent soiree. Smuggled love stories made the rounds, read under covers and hidden beneath mattresses. The stories told just what to expect when they finally experienced that wonderful passion called love.
Bells ringing, shortness of breath, actual swooning. Shanna silently shook her head at the childish, girlhood fantasies. But one by one her friends succumbed to what they insisted was love. As young as sixteen they married, and surely by eighteen, each casting pitying looks at Shanna as they asked her again and again to be an attendant. And almost all changed their pity to a begrudging envy within a year or two after their marriage.
"That's why I know love doesn't work. Why my dreams were false," Shanna murmured quietly. "That's why I can do this for Toby. It's better this way. It will be an arrangement, and no one will ever be able to take Toby away from me. I don't need love — lots of people live without it."
Cody's fist froze before it could make contact with the parlor door and announce his presence. He waited silently, knowing he was unabashedly eavesdropping, but unable to tear himself away. She looked so small and fragile sitting behind that large desk, lantern light casting shadows around her face and shoulders. As he watched, her shoulders slumped and Shanna laid her head on her arms.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Shanna jerked upright. Battling the threatening tears, she stared at Cody, standing in the doorway, outlined in a misty aura of light. Though she knew the aura was an illusion, caused by the unshed tears, she couldn't stop the fleeting impression of her knight finally appearing from dancing across her mind.
But...how much had he heard? Did she really speak aloud, or were the thoughts only in her mind?
"What do you want?"
"I was passing by. You looked upset."
"I didn't hear you come in."
"Stepped in some muck in the barn and left my boots on the porch until I could clean them. Aunt Bessie would have run me back outside with a broom, if I'd come in smelling like I was."
Cody started to step into the parlor and Shanna held up a hand. "Don't. You gave me two days to make up my mind, and you have no right to push me. And if I'm upset, maybe you ought to look in the mirror and see who upset me."
"Then at least be honest with yourself that it's not the possibility of love that's bothering you, Shanna," Cody said quietly before he turned and walked down the hallway to his room.
Shanna gripped the edge of the desk until her knuckles whitened. "You're so wrong, Cody Garret," she whispered. "That's exactly what's bothering me."
"Well." Bessie bustled into the parlor. "Are we ready to get started on those lessons?"
"Let's leave them until morning, Bessie," Shanna said in a tight voice. "I'm not really in the mood to make the effort just now."
"You're probably right. It's been a long day, and we'll be more productive when our minds are fresh. Or...Shanna, do you want to talk?"
"No! I mean...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout. But please, Bessie, not just now."
"All right. Good night, Shanna."
"Good night. I'll go to bed as soon as I straighten this desk."
She lingered, though, long after each article on the desk lay in pinpoint precision to the one beside it. She finally blew out the lone lantern left glowing and settled again into the chair behind the desk. She would only toss and turn, disturbing Toby, if she tried to fall asleep now, and she didn't want Bessie to glance into the hallway and see the parlor still lit. She needed some privacy for a while to sort through her thoughts and come up with some sort of solution to her dilemma.
But no matter how she twisted and wrestled with the matter, there was just one answer. Her mother's letter had only begged Shanna to find the man Diedre was sure would love Toby. Accept him, offer him a life far removed from the coldness and neglect — sometimes even cruelty — Toby suffered from Shanna's father. The marriage was her own plan — necessitated by what she considered a totally heartless statute of law.
She could never let Toby go. She loved him more than she ever thought possible to love anyone, more even than she had loved her mother — as much as she could imagine she would love the shadowy children she might one day have herself.
The only solution — granted, a tentative one offered by her mother's trusted solicitor during Shanna's surreptitious visit — was for Shanna and Toby's true father to share Toby. To marry, so Shanna would have her own legal claim to Toby as the man's wife, if he did indeed gain custody of his son. No one could ever take Toby away from her then.
She had to find that man. Toby was depending upon her to thwart Christian Van Alstyne's attempt to banish his wife's love child from his life. She had to show Toby's father the other letter her mother had left, addressed to him.
She hadn't dared pry into that letter, leaving it sealed over what were assuredly her mother's most private feelings. She had to have faith that Diedre wouldn't place Toby's entire future in the hands of a man who would turn his son away — that the man her mother's letter assured Shanna was a kind, loving and considerate man, the one man Diedre had truly loved, would be the answer to Toby's future.
So many unanswered questions remained, though. Why hadn't the man contacted Diedre in all these years? Or, had he and her mother remained somehow in secret contact? If they had, why hadn't her mother's letter given Shanna more information than just the man's name and where he had lived when Diedre had her affair with him?
And what would this man be like now? Would he be the same kind, considerate person? Or would he have changed, the way most of her friends' husbands seemed to change as they aged?
Shanna's one last hole card was her trust fund, set up by her mother before Toby's birth — probably when Diedre first suspected she was with child, Shanna realized now. Her grandmother's Will had left her entire estate to Diedre, and Shanna well remembered the conversation her mother and father had had after the reading of the Will.
Christian Van Alstyne, in the presence of the solicitor, had assured Diedre she could do as she wished with the inheritance, that he had no need of his wife's money to keep up their affluent lifestyle. Probably, Shanna comprehended with her added years of experience, it was a pompous gesture on her father's part in front of the solicitor, but Diedre took him at his word and hired her own attorney to draw up the trust.
She had sat Shanna down afterwards and explained the document to her, pointing out the parts that even Shanna's young mind could tell were written in irrevocable terms. Showing Shanna, too, her father's signature on the document, agreeing to the terms.
Shanna could hear her mother's soft voice echoing down through the years, telling her that Diedre was sure Shanna would share if she ever had a little brother or sister. Saying that she wasn't going to put that part in the document, that she would trust Shanna to do what was right, if that ever came into being.
Despite all the other unanswered questions in Shanna's mind, one thing she was sure of. Her mother had meant that money to take care of her second child. How could her mother ever have known that the money would always be secondary to Shanna? Shanna's love for Toby would always be the most important thing in her life — the money only a means to keep her small brother at her side. But she couldn't touch that money until she was twenty-one, almost six months from now.
Her mother's own hand-written Will would also help somewhat, Diedre's trusted solicitor had assured Shanna at the private meeting he had requested with her shortly after Diedre's death. The Will admitted that Toby was not her husband's child and in it Diedre gave guardianship of the boy to her lover. That and Toby's birth certificate were enough to base a custody fight on — though it could turn into a nasty, scandalous battle, he warned Shanna.
He went on to explain that there were no guarantees — that the judge would have to interpret the law, along with deciding what was in Toby's best interest. But Shanna had no choice, since she had no legal claim to Toby herself.
She remembered the solicitor's grim face as he told her that he knew how Shanna must have felt when she realized her father intended to banish Toby to a permanent boarding school and totally abandon him, allowing not even Shanna to contact him. Diedre had obviously confided everything to this man, more than even Shanna knew herself. He told her that he was fully aware of the type of man her father was, and that his heart bled for Toby. Only Diedre had stood between her husband and Toby while she lived, but now that Diedre was dead, Van Alstyne had a clear field to do whatever he wanted with the boy.
Shanna had felt the man's pain, and wondered for a moment if the solicitor's feelings for her mother had perhaps gone beyond the bounds of their business relationship. But the thought quickly passed as she realized how powerless she was against her father under the law.
She had leaned forward and pounded on the man's desk, telling him how much she loved Toby and how much Toby loved her. It wasn't right for a stupid law to take precedence over people's feelings for each other.
I'm so sorry, he had told her, but her mother, knowing the state of her health, had done everything she could possibly do to assure Toby's future. She had left the Will and the birth certificate — and her trust in the man who had fathered Toby. Her little brother's real father was the only one who could ask for custody of his son.
After a moment's silence, Shanna had found the courage to voice the question in her mind. She watched the solicitor's face cloud over as he shook his head and told her that her mother had absolutely no intention for something like Shanna proposed to ever take place. But when pressed, he admitted that there were no legal statutes against Mr. Randolph — her mother's lover — marrying Shanna, since there was no blood relationship between them. And, yes, Mr. Randolph would have a better chance at custody if he had a wife, and Shanna would be able to remain close to her brother.
As she rose to leave, refusing to even consider the thought that Mr. Randolph may already have another wife by now, the solicitor had stopped her to tell her one last thing. Shanna was to have Mr. Randolph contact the solicitor if and when she found him. There was something else he needed to discuss with Randolph — something he wasn't at liberty to divulge to Shanna, under orders from her mother. He refused to even answer Shanna's question as to whether this information would assist in the custody fight.
She didn't pressure him further — she had already started formulating her plans to do everything in her power to thwart her father.
What she hadn't counted on was finding her own love during her search for Toby's father, and the heartbreaking choice she faced now.
Shanna frowned as a noise broke her concentration. A horse approached the house, though the hoof beats were muffled by the noise from the rain now pounding on the roof. She rose and crossed silently to the window to draw back the curtain. Just as the rider passed the corner of the house, a flash of lightning split the sky, illuminating the crouched figure in a streaming poncho.
Shanna glanced at the huge clock a neighbor had hung on the wall by the window. Good heavens, it was after midnight. She'd been sitting lost in thought for hours. Who could be arriving so late?
A shadow slipped by the parlor door and Shanna froze beside the window. No mistaking that shape — Cody had heard the rider, too, and was hurrying to the kitchen door. And weren't his movements sort of furtive? He had glanced into the parlor, but her dark gown blended with the curtain and Cody missed seeing her standing there.
Hearing the kitchen door open, Shanna silently glided across the room and stood just inside the parlor door, waiting for Cody to light a lantern. Instead, she heard a grunt of recognition from Cody, then a murmur of low voices and a log being tossed into the kitchen fireplace. Shrugging, Shanna started down the hallway toward her room. It probably wasn't anything to concern her.
Cody's raised voice halted Shanna in her tracks. Bank robbery? Did he say something about the robbery?
Shanna turned back and stopped in the shadows beside the kitchen doorway.