"How in the world do you live out here like this, Mr. Randolph?" Shanna asked.
JT smiled at her. "It's JT, Shanna. If we're gonna be friends, let's do it on a first name basis." A shadow crossed his face as he continued, "I...I've been living on money of my own that I saved up before the war — what I was gonna use to go back for Diedre," he admitted, then gave a deep sigh. "I guess I might as well be honest with you and tell you the whole damned bit about how stupid I was after I woke up in that field hospital."
JT picked up a handful of small pebbles from the ground. Opening his palm, he chose one, tossing it onto the rocky hillside. He frowned in concentration as he tried to decide which pebble to choose next, then dropped the entire handful and brushed his hand against his leg.
"I don't remember much about the actual battle," he said. "Hell, after a while they all run together. Men and horses screaming in pain. Guns roaring and the powder smell, mixed with the smell of blood. It gets so damned smoky you can't tell sometimes if you're shooting at the enemy or your own men, especially near the end of the war. Weren't hardly any of us who still had a complete uniform. We'd picked up pieces of clothing where we could, when our own got too ragged to cover us any longer."
He glanced at Shanna to see her watching him closely, a look of sympathy, rather than horror, on her face.
"The last battle I was in wasn't even much of a fight. The Union troops had all the firepower, and they had us pinned down. We hadn't had any horses for so long that we joked about having to learn to ride again. Fact is, we'd eaten the last one a couple months before. But the Yankees still had plenty of horses, and they had several small cannons, too. I looked around and realized I'd gotten separated from my men, and about that time I saw a cannon being circled behind us, aimed at where some of my men were firing from behind a pile of deadwood.
"I ran screaming like hell toward my men. 'Course the noise was too loud for them to hear me. A Union officer rode out of the woods and tried to cut me off. I got my hands on his saber and pulled him out of the saddle, but he managed to give me this scar first." JT touched his face, then dropped his arm.
"I used his own saber to kill him. The horse must have been pretty well trained, 'cause it stood by its master while I climbed into the saddle. I was wiping blood off my face, but I still had one good eye. My men saw me as I rode hell bent for leather at the deadfall, waving my arms at them to scatter. They did, just as the cannon hit the deadfall and caught it afire."
JT gave a sardonic chuckle. "That horse wasn't trained to stand up to fire, and it tossed me right into the middle of the mess. Cody tried to tell me later that I'd saved their lives, but one of the other men said it was Cody who came back to get me. I don't remember. The first memory I have after that is of one of the women at the hospital helping the doctor change my bandages. She screamed and fainted beside my cot. They told me later she was new and hadn't seen many wounded yet, but I'll never forget how she looked when she saw my face."
"So you got it into your mind that your face was too ugly for a woman to look at," Shanna stated. "Don't you know a woman doesn't love just how a man looks? There's so much more to the feelings between a man and woman than the physical side of it. There's companionship, shared laughter, caring about the same things in life. Especially, there's the feeling of being loved in return by someone you care deeply about."
"Sounds like you've had a little experience in love yourself, Shanna. Who's the lucky man in your life?"
Realizing she had been staring downhill at the log cabin, Shanna tore her eyes away and shook her head. "No one," she denied. "At...at least, not any more." She glanced at JT from the corner of her eye, then back at the ground. "Didn't Zerelda tell you in her letter why I was coming out here?"
"She said you had some crazy idea about us gettin' married. Hell, Shanna, I can't let you throw your life away like that. You're young and beautiful, and you still have your whole life ahead of you. Diedre wouldn't want you to do this. And if I'm not mistaken, there's someone else you'd much rather be married to — someone who's probably got two good legs and can make a living well enough to support you. I don't even know what I'm going to do when my money runs out."
Shanna frantically marshalled her arguments in her mind. She had to convince him. She had promised Toby.
"Toby needs me, JT," she pleaded. "Please, don't make up your mind until you hear everything. I can help you get to know Toby and raise him."
While JT waited for further explanation, Shanna drew the letters from her pants pocket and held them as she verbally sketched the events of the last few months. She included the fact of her trust fund and assured JT there would be adequate money for him to start a business, instead of having to depend upon physical labor to make a living.
JT let her ramble on, the only sign that he was paying close attention to her the dark looks that crossed his face now and then — especially when Shanna told him of the kidnapping charge she had faced.
"That friggin' bastard," she heard JT murmur at that point.
At last Shanna held the two letters out. "You're the only hope I have. You have to marry me, so I can stay with Toby, like I've promised him I would. Even the judge said it's my only chance."
JT accepted the letters, making no move to read them in front of her. "There's another way to keep Toby away from Van Alstyne, Shanna — one you're trying not to face, because you don't want to think about it."
"I...I know, but...."
"You admitted the judge would give me custody of my son, with the documents Diedre left. You'd have your own children some day, Shanna. Toby's probably all I'll ever have."
"Oh, God," Shanna moaned. "Please. I've fought so hard to keep Toby with me. You can't turn against me, too. I've promised Toby that I'd always be with him, and I'm really the only mother he's ever known. Please, JT. Don't do this to me — to Toby! I'll...."
Shanna took a deep breath and forced herself to continue. "I'm not asking you to marry me as strictly a business deal, JT. It will be a complete relationship, including the physical side, if that's what you want. I'll bear your children and honor all my wedding vows. I'll be the best wife I know how to be, and I give you my word that it will be a lifetime commitment on my part."
JT studied Shanna's resolute face and had no doubt she meant every word. He skimmed his eyes down her lush, young body, feeling stirrings he had thought long dead in his groin. Could it be possible he was being given another chance at life — another bridge to cross with the promise of a decent, fulfilling life on the other side? Or would this bridge blow up in his face, too — or, more likely, collapse behind him after he crossed, leaving him with only an empty shell of mocking what-could-have-beens?
He hadn't expected her offer of lovemaking in a loveless marriage. He could satisfy his lust on her body — hell, there wouldn't be any profit in whorehouses if men didn't have the ability to separate the physical release they craved from a woman's desire for a wedding ring before she opened her legs.
This was Diedre's daughter, though, not a whore who had plently of practice at feighing passion for her customers. Shanna had no idea what she was promising him. Oh, he could probably bring her to physical fulfillment — he had never had any complaints from women about his prowess in lovemaking, especially since he cared as much about the lady's pleasure as his own.
That was before, though. Now, would Shanna cringe from his scarred body? Or, just possibly, could he again find the complete melding of not just bodies but also spirits he had so thoughtlessly thrown away once before?
No, not thoughtlessly, JT admitted to himself. The decision had come after days, weeks, even months of agonized indecision. It was far too late, though, to realize he had made the wrong choice. Perhaps he owed it to his dead love to atone for their missed chance at happiness by doing whatever was within his power to give her daughter the one request she made of him.
Realizing Shanna was staring at him, waiting for a decision he wasn't prepared to vocalize just yet, JT avoided Shanna's eyes by reaching down for his crutch. He propped his hands and chin on it, hoping his hat shadowed his face enough that Shanna couldn't read his expression.
"You say this judge told you he'd give you and me joint custody, if we were married?"
"Yes, but...he also said it might only be binding in his court," Shanna had to admit. She might as well tell him all of it, she decided and continued, "And Cody told me I might have to go back to New York and stand trial again, if my father fights Judge Howard's decision in the trial I just went through."
"Jesus, if there wasn't a lady sitting here, I'd call your father something a lot worse than a bastard!" JT spit, then muttered an even viler curse under his breath. He rose to his feet. "All right, Shanna, I'll think about it. Was that Cody I saw ride in with you?"
Shanna nodded.
"Go on down there now. Cody will see that no one here bothers you. I'll talk to you in the morning."
"Morning?" When JT frowned, Shanna quickly nodded her agreement and started walking away. "I'll see you then."
JT glanced at the letters in his hand. "Diedre, darlin'," he murmured. "What a damned mess we made of our lives. How can I let your daughter sacrifice any chance she might have for a decent life because I was stupid enough not to come back for you?"
JT sat down on the rock and bowed his head as he propped his crutch beside him. His fingers clenched around the letters, the paper rustling as it wrinkled in his grip. With an effort, he opened his hand and smoothed the letters against his thigh, the familiar writing leaping out at him on the top envelope. Though that envelope was addressed to Shanna, how many times had he seen those same feminine letters outlining his own name, agreeing to meet him just one more time? How many times had they said goodbye?
"Evidently, one time too many," JT said aloud with a mirthless chuckle.
JT pulled out the pages of the letter addressed to Shanna, fighting the pain tearing at him while he scanned the familiar hand. Nothing new there — it only confirmed what Shanna had told him.
One page fluttered to the ground, and JT bent to retrieve it. He opened the folded paper and stared at a birth certificate — Tobias Randolph. How in hell had Diedre managed that? His eyes centered on the line listing the boy's father — Joshua Tobias Randolph. Diedre had even used her maiden name, Forsythe, on the line marked mother.
JT slowly shook his head. He didn't know how legal the document was — guess he'd have to ask Cody about that. It was mighty convenient for Shanna to have brought a lawyer with her.
JT looked at the log cabin. Or was it just coincidence? He hadn't missed the way Shanna kept glancing at the cabin while they talked, her heart in her eyes. Hell, she was in love with Cody — one more reason for him to turn down her marriage proposal. Cody had saved his life. How could he step between Cody and Shanna, especially if Cody felt the same way about her?
"But I have a son," he murmured. "A son who's part of Diedre. Sorry, Cody, old pard, but that bastard Van Alstyne's not gonna raise my boy. And if it's Shanna that Toby wants as a mother, I'll see that she's the other piece of our little threesome. I'll see that boy gets whatever he wants in life, even if I have to kill Van Alstyne to do it."
JT smiled grimly. No, he didn't have to kill Van Alstyne. He could let him live, live with the knowledge that his daughter was the wife of his wife's lover. That the boy, who was the result of JT and Diedre's love for each other, was also a part of that marriage.
Realizing he had probably made his decision when he first read Zerelda's letter, despite what he had told Shanna, JT stuffed the letters into his pocket. He couldn't face reading Diedre's last missive to him just now. First, he'd dig out that bottle of fine bourbon hidden in the cave, then maybe that suit he'd bought in a weak, drunken moment in Charleston. Man should look good when he got married.
Scowling as he recalled why the suit had remained unworn, JT tried to push the sight of his own mother's grimace of disgust when she saw his face later the same week he had bought the outfit from his mind. Hell, she and his aunt had even cancelled a small dinner party they'd planned that evening. He could still recall his aunt's overheard, whispered insistence to his mother that she wouldn't be able to eat a bite, with JT sitting at the table.
Shanna hadn't turned away from him, though. He had seen sympathy in her eyes — granted, mixed somewhat with pity. Marriages had been made without love since the beginning of time, and they had the boy in common, along with their shared love for Diedre. It had been easy to talk to Shanna, and he'd felt an immediate liking for her. He hadn't realized just how much he missed a woman's companionship, and Shanna looked so much like Diedre. It would almost be like living the life he and Diedre had planned before that damned war intervened.