Shanna made one last trip to the barn and returned with the rifle from her saddle scabbard and Cody's bedroll. Though she watched the cabin door a bit apprehensively, it remained closed. Returning to the creek, she checked her jacket pocket for the derringer, finding it still in place. She pulled the jacket on again and made do with the rest of the bread and cookies in her saddlebag for an evening meal.
Shanna unrolled Cody's bedroll and fed more wood onto the fire. Spying the whiskey bottle Cody had propped against a rock when the fire gleamed on it, Shanna picked it up. Surprisingly, despite Cody's rough handling, it still contained an inch or two of liquid. Maybe it would help her sleep, too. Otherwise, she would probably lie awake all night, dreading the coming morning and JT's decision.
"Person shouldn't drink alone."
Damn it! Didn't these men ever make any noise when they walked? Shanna immediately recognized Jesse's voice and dropped the bottle from her mouth, her other hand plunging into her jacket pocket.
She swung around, the derringer in her hand.
"I'm not alone. Cody's passed out, but this gun's company enough."
"Whoa, little lady," Jesse said with a laugh. "I ain't packing any iron. I jist brought you and Cody some stew. Thought you might be hungry."
"Set it down there. I'll get it after you leave."
Jesse shrugged and knelt to set two bowls in the grass. "Sure you don't want to share a drink with me?" he asked after he stood.
"She's sure, Jesse," JT said as he limped around Jesse. "I brought my own bottle with me, if Shanna feels like drinkin' company. You can get your ass on back to the cabin now."
Jesse met JT's stare for a moment, then his eyes travelled to JT's waist. "Thought we had a rule around here 'bout not packin' when we drink."
"That's yours and Frank's rule, to keep yourselves from gettin' drunk and killin' each other," JT said tightly. "And don't forget, you never was quick enough to take me, when we used to practice together."
"Maybe I've gotten better over the years. An' maybe you've gotten slower."
"And maybe I haven't. Like Shanna and I were talking about a little earlier, there's not much to do out here. Plenty of time to make sure your gun hand doesn't get rusty."
"Aw hell, it don't matter anyway. Frank won't let me have my guns until I sober up." He turned away, jamming his empty hands in his pockets.
"That boy's gonna get himself killed one of these days," JT said as he made his way down the slight bank of the creek. Using his crutch as a support, he lowered himself onto the bedroll beside her.
"You want some of that stew? I wouldn't recommend it as tasty, but it's filling. Or would you rather take me up on that drink? This is fine Kentucky bourbon — lot's better than that rotgut in your hand."
"I've already eaten something." Shanna placed the derringer back in her pocket and set her bottle aside again. When she looked at JT, she saw he had found her glass by the fire and was wiping it on his shirttail.
"I can wash that in the creek," she said. "You'll ruin that shirt. How do you keep it so clean out here anyway?"
JT finished with the glass and held it out to reflect the firelight. "It's clean. And this shirt's not one I've ever worn before. Bought me a couple that were packed away with a suit I got 'bout the same time."
"Your wedding suit?" Shanna asked as she accepted the refilled glass.
"Yeah," JT admitted. "Still fits me, too. I tried it on a while ago."
Shanna took a swallow of whiskey, steeling herself for his decision. At least she wouldn't have to wait out the long night not knowing.
"Like that better than the stuff in that other bottle?" JT asked.
"Why, yes. Yes, I do. It's not as harsh tasting."
"It'll knock you on your as...rear end just as fast, though. 'Specially if you aren't used to drinkin'. You don't drink, do you, Shanna, honey? Never did fancy bein' married to a woman who liked whiskey more than I did."
"I never even tasted liquor until a few months ago. Cody...Cody gave me some brandy once. That's all I ever had until tonight. And I don't think you'll have to worry about me getting to like it too much. Does...does your coming here tonight, instead of in the morning, mean you've made up your mind?"
"Not hardly," JT denied, sending Shanna's hopes of at last having her future settled plummeting. "Marriage is a big step. Man's gotta weigh all sides of it and get used to the thought. Remember, Shanna, you've had several months to think about this. I'm still not real sure this is what we should do. I sure wish Cody hadn't passed out so early, because I was hoping to talk to him."
"You wouldn't have been able to make much sense out of what he said the way he was. You'll have to wait until he wakes up."
"Guess so," JT agreed. "In the meantime, there's something I want to ask you about."
JT reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a single piece of paper, holding it out to Shanna. She finished the drink in her hand, hardly aware of swallowing the liquid, before she accepted it. Setting her empty glass down on the ground again, she unfolded the paper and held it close to the firelight.
"It's Toby's birth certificate," she said with a nod. "I've already seen it. Mother left it in with her letter to me."
JT stuffed the birth certificate back into his pocket. "It's got my name on it as Toby's father. It puzzles me how Diedre got by with that."
"She had her own attorney. That's one thing she stood up to my father about and how she set up the trust fund. She did that before anyone knew she was carrying Toby, and I assume the same man must have helped her out with this."
"Probably. Anyway, Shanna, there's something I want to ask you. Here. Let me fill your glass again."
Shanna picked up her glass and held it out. She probably shouldn't drink any more, but the bourbon didn't seem to be effecting her. She didn't see JT give a nod of satisfaction as she raised the glass to her lips once more.
"What else did you want to know?" she asked after lowering her glass, surprised to find her tongue somewhat thick when she spoke. "I'll discuss anything you want."
"Then tell me what sort of plan you had in case you didn't find me, or if I didn't marry you if you did find me."
"I...I tried not to think about that." Shanna toyed with the rim of her glass, her finger tracing a nervous circle.
"You're much too smart not to have thought of a contingency plan, Shanna. I want to know what it was."
"Mother has relatives in England," Shanna said grudgingly. "I thought I might go to them and ask for help. I didn't think Father would follow me there and risk facing them, since, from what I gathered from Mother over the years, they didn't think much of him."
"Why didn't you go there first?"
"Because my mother's letter asked me to try and find you. She wanted you to know Toby. And Toby to know you."
An ember popped in the fire, the only sound in the silence as JT contemplated Shanna's words. Shanna finished her drink while she waited for him to speak again and reached for the bourbon in his hand, which he gave her without protest. Watching her refill her glass, JT studied her closely, then retrieved the bottle and took another drink himself.
"Shanna," he said finally. "You've got to have some dreams of your own. Don't you want your own family? Didn't you think about that while you were growing up, want a man to love you — children with him?"
"Not without Toby," Shanna denied. "Not since he was born. He's always been part of any future I envisioned for myself — after my mother wasn't able to care for him."
"Still, though, you could be a part of Toby's life if I had him. I'd never deny you seeing him. You could live near us and...."
"No!" Shanna hissed. "It wouldn't be the same, and I promised Toby we'd always be together! You can't just waltz into his life and take him away from me!"
"I didn't waltz into his life, Shanna," JT reminded her. "You came lookin' for me. And a boy needs his father."
"He needs his mother, too," Shanna said hotly. "Or at least, the only mother he's ever known." She pounded a fist against her chest. "And that's me! I cared for him, not those nurses my father hired. I dried his tears and oversaw his lessons. He called me mama at first, until he was old enough for me to explain that I was his sister and taught him to call me Shanna and my mother Mama!"
"Calm down, Shanna," JT soothed. He glanced over at the bedroll when Cody gave a groan and turned over, disturbed by the loud voices. "And what about Cody's stake in this?" he demanded. "At least be honest with me and tell me what your feelings are for him."
"I love him! There. Does that satisfy you? You asked about my dreams in life. Well, if I could only have one dream come true, it would be to marry Cody and have him be Toby's father and me be a mother to Melinda. But that can't happen, can it? You're the only one who can get legal custody of Toby!"
Shanna angrily brushed at a tear trickling down her cheek, the firelight reflecting the anguish in her eyes. She drained the whiskey glass and reached for the bourbon bottle again.
"Huh uh. No more, Shanna." JT drew the bottle beyond her grasp and steadied her with a hand on her shoulder when Shanna swayed toward him.
"I see," Shanna said as she sat back. "Liquor's only for men to drown their sorrows in."
"Is that why Cody's lying over there passed out?" JT asked in a mild voice. "Because he's in love with you, too, and can't bear the thought of you marrying me?"
Shanna shrugged, refusing to answer. She turned her head sideways, the light outlining her profile.
Damn, she looked so much like Diedre. She wasn't Diedre, though. She had a lot more fire in her than Diedre had. If it had been Shanna he had fallen in love with, JT could almost imagine her following him into the war, instead of waiting complacently for him to return.
Shanna also held the key to gaining his son's love, JT told himself as he watched her brush at another tear. He couldn't imagine Toby ever coming to love him if he stepped between the boy and Shanna.
And he had one other question answered. She had a place to go — England, no less, where he would face an angry mob of relatives if he tried to follow and see his son.
No, two questions answered, JT realized as he looked at Cody. She had another man ready and willing to step in and be a father to Toby. A man who already loved her, and maybe felt the same about Toby. Even if he did use the information he'd found in Diedre's letter, JT had no guarantee that Cody would allow him to be a part of Toby's life.
JT got to his knees, using his crutch for leverage to stand. "Better get your beauty rest," he said. "I don't fancy having a bride with bags under her eyes."
Shanna glanced up. "Then...then you'll marry me?"
"Wouldn't be gentlemanly to turn down a woman's marriage proposal," JT said with a ragged laugh, stifling the irritation he felt at the dead sound of Shanna's voice. "Reckon it's just as hard for a woman to screw up her courage and propose as it is for a man. We'll head back to Liberty in the morning, if you and Cody aren't too hung over. I want the whole shebang — you have yourself a white dress made that's fancy enough to match my new suit, hear me, woman? I've got some money left, enough to take care of us for a while. Time it takes to make your dress and for us to decide where to live, I'll use to get to know my son."
"Thank you," Shanna whispered.
JT tried, but he couldn't detect any relief in her voice. Had he seen her head drop when he mentioned the white dress? He frowned in Cody's direction, then settled his crutch under his arm. Diedre hadn't been a virgin, either. In fact, she had been several years older than him. It hadn't dimmed his feelings for her. Fact was, he didn't much care for the thought of breaking in a virgin, not that he'd ever had one. A woman with some experience would be a much better bed partner.
"Good night, Shanna," JT said as he made his way up the slight rise beside the creek bed.
"Good night," she called after him.
As soon as JT was out of sight, Shanna dragged her bedroll over beside Cody. The whiskey in her stomach gave her courage, making her not give a damn if the whole camp saw her lying beside Cody in the morning. Soon enough, she would wake with a different man's head on the next pillow, and she wasn't going to deny herself one final night of closeness to Cody.
Cuddling against her lover, Shanna buried her head on Cody's unresisting shoulder and let her tears flow freely, while her last vestige of hope crawled from her shattered spirit and fled in the night. Had she really thought JT might have a solution that would allow her to stir the embers of her dream of a life with both Cody and Toby to new flames? Had she really thought he might offer a platonic marriage — a short-lived one — realize Toby would be better off with her — give up his claim to his son?
JT's words left no doubt. A ceremony that encompassed the whole shebang. A wh...white dress.
How many times over the years had she dreamed of floating down a church aisle in that white dress, drawn irresistibly to a man she loved with her entire being, waiting at the altar? Why had the dream refused to stay trapped in the corner of her mind, where she had buried it after her mother's death?
Cody. Cody refired that dream. Cody's teasing banter and twinkling brown eyes. Cody's voice roughened in passion and those eyes pooled into chocolate depths of longing. Cody's hands, work-roughened with calluses, spreading delicious sensations over her silken skin.
Cody's arms around her, his head buried on her breasts, seeking solace only she could give from the guilt he carried. Cody's tender concern for Melinda and Toby. His standing with her to confront her father. Following her to make sure she arrived safely, even on her journey to another man's arms.
Cody stirred slightly and wrapped an arm around Shanna, drawing her against his length before he sank back into deep slumber. Shanna pressed her body to his, straining to breach the invisible barriers to their love.
How cruel fate was. She was spending what should have been one of the happiest nights in her life — the night of her marriage proposal — in the arms of the man she desperately wanted to marry, not the man she had agreed to wed. She was filled with anguish, rather than ecstatic joy.
Try as she might to muffle her sobs on Cody's chest, somehow they escaped and joined the cadence of spring peepers in the reeds lining the creek bed. An owl swooped silently onto a nearby limb, blinking its huge, round eyes at the scene below. Somewhere on an Ozark mountainside a puma screamed, the piercing shriek echoing an accompaniment to the agony of shattered hopes and dreams raining from Shanna's eyes with her tears.