Dearest Bear,
Oh God, B. I don’t know how to even start this letter. I don’t know if I’m coming or going. Shit, shit, I’m so all over the place. I wish you were here and I could sit next to you with a couple of rum and Cokes and tell you the whole thing. Or maybe just Coke for me… that’s a big clue right there. I daren’t tell Rose, she’d start fussing and I really don’t want any fussing. As for my mum, she will kill me. I’m never telling her, full stop.
OK. Long story short. You know I’ve been seeing David and I’m in love, love, love? It’s been absolute bliss. I’ve barely seen the inside of a lecture theatre these last few months, we’ve hardly been out of bed. So, deep breath Bear, that little chick’s come home to roost. A few days ago I fainted on the way to a lecture, and my tutor sent me to the GP. He did a preggers test, and I expect you can guess the result.
It took me till yesterday to pluck up the nerve to tell David. Oh, Bear, it was awful. Awful doesn’t even cover it. It was like he was a different person. I suppose I’d sort of hoped that he would kiss me, hold me, tell me it would be OK, ask me if I wanted to get married, even. But he kind of acted like it was all a major inconvenience that I needed to sort out. He was so matter-of-fact, I even wondered if this wasn’t the first time a girl had given him this news. Basically, he assumed I’d get an abortion. He didn’t ask how I was feeling, or anything. His first comment was, ‘I can pay half if that helps.’ I didn’t even clock what he meant, I thought he meant half of the costs of the baby, or maybe even half of the cost of the wedding. Thank God the penny dropped before I said anything about a wedding!
I said, ‘Do you think I’m getting an abortion?’ and he went, ‘Well yes of course, I’m only twenty-one,’ and I said, ‘But I’m Catholic,’ and he said, ‘You don’t even go to church,’ and I said, ‘I am lapsed but we don’t do that,’ and he said, ‘Oh dear, then we have a bit of a problem.’ I know what it means now when people say their blood ran cold.
I’ve got ‘have a baby’ on my ‘to do by 30’ list, but I don’t want one yet. I remember you writing to me about your abortion, a couple of years ago. That was definitely the right thing for you. But I don’t know if it’s right for me, Bear. Shit.
Anyway, I cried, and begged He Whose Name I Shall Never Utter Again (henceforth HWNISNUA) to at least stay with me and the baby even if we didn’t get married, but he laughed. He said we were kids ourselves and if I wanted to have the baby that was fine, but I was on my own. And then he finished with me.
Please write back soon, Bear. I feel terribly alone. The little bump might start to show soon and I will have to tell people. I have stopped fainting but I feel so sick, and I know you will say I must tell Rose or Mum but I don’t know what to say to them. Rose didn’t even like HWNISNUA very much, but I know she will help, BUT she will try and get me to have an abortion or maybe think about adoption and I just don’t know, Bear.
Is it stupid to think I could look after the baby on my own? With HWNISNUA, it will be a very beautiful golden-haired baby.
I need to think.
Till next time.
Miss you.
Always, Kay