CHAPTER 14
Our Digital Lives: Finding Balance in the On-Demand Culture
HOW TO RUIN A GOOD CONVERSATION WITH YOUR TEEN OR YOUNG ADULT
It was about 6 PM, and I was sitting in a diner having coffee and cake with my 21-year-old. We were discussing Hans Zimmer, the music producer of the movie “12 Years a Slave,” and his accomplishments. Having just been to see the movie that afternoon, we were engrossed in his website on her cell phone. We were having a great discussion.
I kept getting texts from a friend who wanted to make evening plans. Then I began getting other texts from my sister about the next day. This led to phone calls due to anticipation about bad weather. I choose to pay attention to the texts and calls and totally interrupted the dynamic discussion we were having.
After responding to the texts leading to several more phone calls, my daughter said these stinging words to me, “You are worse than me, Mom, talking on the phone in a diner, it’s disgusting. My friends don’t interrupt someone in mid-sentence to answer a text,” she said. She was clearly feeling ignored and dismissed as I paid attention to my calls and texts. At that moment, I saw myself slip from part of the solution to part of the digital problem. Just the day before, I had fallen prey to the gripping jaws of computer and phone mania, not being able to disengage.
I replied, “You are right but wait, let’s discuss this. I write and teach about these things.” I asked her what she thought might be a way for us and other families to enjoy using the phone for Wikipedia without disrupting this fun activity by answering texts and phone calls. I asked, “Is it possible to make an agreement prior to the meal to not take phone calls or texts?” We questioned whether we could implement that for ourselves and agreed to try.
It’s hard as a grown up to hold back from feeling defensive when we perceive kids criticizing us for an action they do all the time. Of course it’s natural to want to remind our teen or young adult of the time they texted their way through an entire meal or family gathering. Instead, a suggestion is to just take a deep breath and see this as an opening. The next time we are intending to have a conversation with our child who is texting as we speak, we can remind them that we’d like to implement these rules for the conversation.
Having an Uninterrupted Check- In Time
During high school and middle school, it helps families to have a specific in- person check- in time with teens with one or both parents present. There are some conversations where you do need the complete attention of your child, or the child wants your uninterrupted attention to share something important. Establishing a daily check-in time with your adolescent helps keep humor around stressful and important issues such as college applications, exams, homework, social, extracurricular activities and weekend plans.
Guidelines for Parents to Support a Mindful Check-In
• Establish eye contact.
• Remember to breathe.
• Request all digital devices be turned off.
• Refer to embodied communication (See Chapter 10)
• Inform the other party of time limitations.
• Agree on a time that works for parents and teen.
• Ask for a consistent time of day (such as at 7PM).
• Ask the teen to “tell me more” rather than ask why.
• Limit the conversation to 15 minutes.
• Keep it simple and direct.
Help Teens with Anxiety Transition to Homework
• Encourage the equal counting breath before beginning a task.
• Use embody cues to find the sitz bones, head to tail connection (See Chapter 6)
• Give calendar cues by looking at a calendar with parent and student to keep conscious of deadlines.
• Utilize Golden Ray, Warrior pose, and breathing to gain focus.
• Offer a visual schedule, (picture schedule of tasks) and a timer for teens with executive function issues.
• Use a simple to do list with visual cues or use an iPhone app.
• Offer yoga strategies for getting started such as Ha breath, sensory yoga feeling wheel or a guided visualization.
• Remember to breathe and practice patience and contentedness.
• Set firm boundaries in combination with small tasks so that the student experiences success in meeting the goals, e. g., “Let’s do the Warrior, Tree and the Ha breath. Then, how about you sit at the dining room table and do 10 minutes of math. I’ll check back with you to see how you are doing.”
Please Park Your Phone Here
Families across the country are trying many options to limit usage of cell phones and enjoy their time with friends and family. The goal of a no cell phone gathering is to enjoy the company of others without interruption. For some kids, 30 minutes is their tolerance away from the phone. In that case, let them check their phone and respond. It isn’t about a punishment, but an introduction to non-cell activity. The first few times you implement this might cause some anxiety for teens who are highly addicted to the phone or iPad.
• Provide a basket for the teens to put their cell phone in by the door.
• The goal is to be present with their friends in the here and now.
• Adults can suggest to teens to take a texting break after 30 min-60 minutes to check their texts and to then text for about 5 minutes.
• Ask the kids how long they want for the text break.
• Invite them to return to the board game, video, computer, TV, charades or talking activity that is happening with the group.
• Adults can keep providing snacks for the group to keep them interested in sustaining their activities. This also allows you to come in and enter the space and check if this is working without being too intrusive.
• The goal is about enjoying focused non-multitasked attention for the adolescents.
• Gradually you can increase the time away from the electronic usage.
• There eventually will be tolerance to stay away for hours or a day, depending on the family agreement.
What Does Your Family Like to Do That Isn’t Electronic?
One approach to digital detox is to designate one day a week to completely disengage from any electronics. For this day of the week, do other activities that don’t involve, phone, TV, computer, iPad, DVD etc. Or, limit most electronics and keep one only if it seems impossible to accomplish this the first time. Another variation is to do it only for the morning or the afternoon if the whole day seems too daunting at first. Activities can be a variety of sleeping, walking, talking, eating, gardening, cleaning, de-cluttering, chores, visiting some place of interest, playing a game or watching a real live game taking place in the community (not digitally).
Agree on the time that the day starts and ends and when you can get back to the electronics. The goal isn’t to completely stop; it is to take a break and enjoy other things without interruption. It’s perfectly fine to look forward to resuming the electronic use.
Use the day to do family and individual projects. Some examples are:
These activities are just a sampling and you can include any non-digital activity that your family enjoys. Some families may choose to make this day coincide with a day of observance, but that is not the intention. Or you may choose that there might be other particular activities that you refrain from. It is about finding some way to regain the balance you have lost from overuse of electronics. Make it a fun adventure to think up what you would like to do.
FINDING NON-DIGITAL FAMILY ACTIVITIES IN NATURE AND THE COMMUNITY
With the ever spreading overuse of technology moving into every aspect of our lives there is a loss of appreciation and participation in nature for our children. Enjoyment of outside time becomes diminished as we are more drawn to the computer for enjoyment. Unfortunately today, for many families, life’s responsibilities will not easily permit time in nature; it involves a concerted effort to make outside time take place regularly. Only a short time ago, children without a phone to check for texts, or a computer game were less pressured and more able to enjoy a moment in nature or with family without distraction. Many families make great efforts to enjoy outside family time, taking a picnic, a hike, bicycling, doing a snow activity or a walk. It demands some self-discipline to set limits on the use of electronics. Yet, families and children used to be content to spend time together without electronics and enjoy a day outing. The story below reflects the way children used to enjoy time when I was growing up when the computer was not competing for our attention
A Family Day in 1961
Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s there were no big box stores yet. It is hard to imagine no Wal-Mart, Target, or any of the big stores that exist today. My Dad was in retail, so Sunday was his only day off. He was eager to get out of the house after lunch. Often my Dad took us on a hike in a town park, walking in mountains, skating at a pond in winter and to the town water hole in summer. There was a rhythm to the week and we knew on Sunday what to expect. We’d be going somewhere.
This is a recollection I have of a typical family day in the years before the advent of information technology at every turn. It is Sunday and we are heading into New York City and driving over the George Washington Bridge. The bridge is huge and really exciting to drive over. You can see the tall buildings and the city skyline as we cross the Hudson River. My brother and I are playing geography in the car naming a place that starts with the last letter of the word named previously. We are looking in awe at the tall bridge and at the water below. We are going to visit my aunt who has a big apartment that overlooks Central Park, a very large city park.
My aunt’s apartment is filled with art and objects from her travels. She had wooden carved heads (sculptures) from Africa, bronze statues from India and beautiful dishes from Italy. She tells us many stories. She has a large glass table filling up the entire dining room, with lights inside of it, that turn on. We are sitting and having tea and biscuits. She is laughing and telling us a story. It is always fun to be with her.
We are taking a walk through Central Park with trails and paved roads. My brother and I climb the big boulders and sit on the rocks in the sun. The park has a zoo and a lake. Many people are walking in the park. It is strange to be in nature but also hear the city noises close by and see the tall buildings.
We are saying goodbye to my aunt and heading home to visit my grandmother. My grandmother greets us and takes all the children to a room in the back of her house that is always cold. She keeps homemade cookies in containers there. The cookies are always hard as a rock. She insists we have one.
Finding Non-Digital Fun Ways to Spend Time
Make a list of five things your family enjoys outdoors or indoors.
As a parent, I love nature activities because they make my senses happy, are relatively inexpensive and uplift my spirits. They are a break from the complexities of modern life, traffic and sitting. For a break from electronics, nature activities are simple, and low cost. If you are all walking together or hiking, you may want to have the phone for safety. The walking activity itself though keeps you moving and can take your mind off talking on the phone. Taking a 20-90 minute hike all together as a family to a designated spot is an excellent activity in the city or country, can make a difference for our mind state and can be transforming energetically.
Family Nature Activities in Cities:
• Pick a street with the least amount of cars and traffic.
• Agree to a time when everyone can participate.
• Bring snacks and water, sunscreen, hat and layers, first aid.
• Check weather before setting out for safety.
• Check the trail if you are trying something new in the woods.
• Bring a map if you are in a city.
• Pick a destination to walk to.
• Avoid a mall as this won’t give the nature experience.
• Determine that you aren’t on someone’s private property.
• Avoid hunting season in the rural areas or even outside towns.
• Hike or walk with other families for added support.
• Prepare sensory kids with extra snacks, and verbal and visual games.
• Know how long you will be hiking and when you will arrive.
• Leave a message with family or friends if going hiking.
• Have a charged cell phone in case of emergency.
• Wear adequate shoes and clothes for cold or hot (no flip flops please!)
• Do not allow teens to wear flip flops for extended walks as they can be dangerous, break along the way and cause falls.
• Wear bright colors or orange vests if you are in traffic or at dusk.
A HAPPY DAY FOR CHILDREN IN NATURE
I was invited to my friend’s son’s birthday party for a 5th-6th grade class. It was a hot sunny afternoon and the party was gathering in the yard. Everyone was getting ready to take a hike in the forest along the river behind the house.
All the adults and children began a long hike through the wooded area to the riverbed. The kids picked up walking sticks and walked in groups, stopping to look at rocks and vegetation along the way. When we arrived at the edge of the riverbed we could see a long and wide expanse of dry stones that we could walk out on. There were also fallen uprooted trees from a recent storm. The kids climbed out on the limbs and sat overlooking the river. They entertained themselves for hours skipping rocks on the river. Walking along the river edge in small and large groups, they looked for the perfect smooth shaped stones and played, jumping over boulders and climbing limbs of the fallen trees.
After a while, we all gathered and started a slow walk back through the woods back to the house to get some food. Walking slowly, there was ample time for adult conversation and the kids also seemed contented and relaxed. Upon returning to the house, the girls inhabited one large seated swing. The boys took to the hammock, piling on top of one another laughing, very contented after hiking in nature and playing physically.
GOING FOR A NON-DIGITAL HOLIDAY
Some families decide they need to take a complete non-digital vacation for a day outing, weekend or week leaving all the electronics at home except for an adult cell phone for emergency purposes. Whether you go to a lodge, camp, visit relatives or have a stay at home vacation, there are many variations on how to do this.
Families can go to a hotel that advertises that there are no electronics, (no TV in the room, no use of the internet) for a digital detox. They can attend a family or wilderness or faith based retreat with their family. Yoga retreats, camping with other families in the woods, camping at a lodging that provides many outside activities and cabins with other families are good options.
Set your own rules about reducing or specifying the times the electronics can be used. Often on a retreat the kids are so busy no one has any time to use the phone or iPad except for a few minutes after a meal. There may not be a need to leave the electronics at home, just be aware of the use and limits. There are also ways to enjoy outside time away and allow some digital time at night depending on how much of a detox you feel you need.
BEING MORE ACTIVE WITH TECHNOLOGY
Maximize Physical Activity: Use the Smart board with Yoga
• Use postures using benches or supported standing pose while facing sideways and cross midline to reach the board.
• Practice mindfulness: patience and turn-taking.
• Use a DVD to get upper body movement on the Smart board.
• Stand instead of sit.
• Assume postures before a turn at the smart board game.
Revolved Triangle Prep Pose
Revolved Triangle Prep (Moderate-Advanced)
The Revolved Triangle illustration here needs to be adapted to use at the smart-board. In this exercise, described below, we are doing the prep for the pose with adaptations of a bench and a ball.
• Stand and face the smart board.
• Place a low bench with the long edge along the child’s right side.
• Turn the body to the right, facing the long side of the bench.
• Place the left leg, or the leg closest to the smart board, up on the bench so the hips and knees are at 90 degrees or what the child is capable of. Support the child to balance and stand on the right leg.
• Hold the wand in the right hand.
• Rotating to the left, turn the torso so that the right arm holding the wand crosses midline and touches the board. For deeper rotation place the left hand directly on a surface (a secured large therapy ball) further to the left. (The right hand hits at 12 and the left is placed at 9 o’clock)
Prasaritta
Padottanasana
Forward Bends (Adapted Prasaritta Padottanasana)
• Place the bench in front of the child parallel to the smart board.
• Stand in Mountain pose.
• Give instructions to stand in a wide-legged stance.
• Similar to a forward bend, place both hands down on the bench in a modified forward bend.
• Bending forward at the hip joint, hands on the bench, weight bear into the hands, then come up halfway up, looking up.
• Reach to touch the smart board on the right or left or crossing midline
Chair Pose
Chair Pose (Revolving)(Advanced and Can Be Modified)
• Use chair pose to build core tone for more intensity.
• Stand perpendicular to the smart board with the left side closest to the board. Place a bench near the left foot (between the child and board).
• Stand in Mountain pose arms raised over the head along ears.
• Assume Chair pose as seen in illustration.
• Rotating to the left, bear weight with the right hand on a bench, surface or floor next to the left foot.
• Reach for the wand with the left hand, opening the chest, and getting rotation while twisting to tap the smart board.
• Repeat on the opposite side.
TIPS AND TAKE AWAYS
A gentle approach to changing habits of digital overuse is suggested. Just being conscious of what children are doing and holding a firm vision of what you want is helpful.
• A quiet, sweet, but firm stance is needed by parents to ask teens to put the phone away and engage in a social gathering.
• Parents need a sense of humor and perseverance to not readily give in to preschoolers’ requests for iPads in restaurants.
• Clinicians can suggest to parents to pack books or crayons so children can read or color and to strategically reduce handing the phone to young children as often as they request it. The chance for embodying experiences is magnified by starting habits early.
Remember that it is perfectly acceptable, if you take a digital break, to be looking forward to a set time when you can reconvene your electronic activities. This could be at sundown or when you choose. It could be a 2-hour, a morning or afternoon break. Design what works for your family. In reducing digital use, my goal is to re-introduce the activities that the iPad is replacing. If your teen just spent several hours biking or hiking with you, playing sports, or helping with chores and you just had a quality conversation with no electronic interruption, and your teen wants to get on the computer, it appears to be a balanced approach. But if your 10-year-old has been on the computer since 8 AM and it’s noon and he wants to stay home and continue instead of going out with the family on a nice day, then some boundaries need to be set and strategies put in place to create greater balance.