It will never happen to me are words repeated for decades by those impacted by addiction in the family during their growing-up years. Although it’s been four decades since the first publication of this book it continues to be the primer on the impact of addiction in the family.
The earlier preface shares what drove me to write this book, some of my initial insights, what led me to identify and discuss the roles common to survivorship, and what the dysfunctional rules were within the addicted family. At that time, naming these roles and rules was a validation to people’s experiences and offered a language in which to talk about those experiences. I believe that is still true today.
It Will Never Happen to Me describes the life of the family member disrupted by addiction and speaks to the ways children attempt to cope, describing their experiences of how they bring safety into their life. Yet those very coping mechanisms, while offering survivorship within the storm, create problems later in life. Willpower and intent don’t override their internalized self-defeating beliefs. They don’t override the unhealthy modeling children are subject to and don’t override the traumatic stress that lingers in their body long after a child has left the family environment.
I wrote this book to help people understand that all children raised with addiction are impacted and to challenge the phenomena of their ability to look good, often from an outsider’s view appearing to be doing fine. As young adults, they often have a sense of pride in how well they are doing. They have jobs, go to school, have goals. Yet something else is occurring internally. They chronically doubt themselves, sometimes hate themselves. They have secrets, display forms of self-harm, make decisions based in fear, and are afraid much of the time. They are depressed but surprisingly function in spite of it. In many cases they are simply running as fast as they can—running from any insight or awareness, away from the chaos, the drama, or the void of home. They have chaotic, traumatic family stories but with minimization, denial, and confused loyalty. For most, they don’t stop to consider the influence of their growing-up years. Ultimately, many repeat a similar story of their childhood; for others, it’s a slight variation. They are living a painful legacy that repeats itself as these children live out their traumas.
As much as children have been negatively impacted, there are many factors that can create resiliency and ameliorate some of the traumatic impact. Children need to be supported in their strengths and protective factors created to override the risks. The impact of family trauma does not need to be a life sentence.
It is possible to live their life differently than to repeat the family script. I want children, young and adult, to live life with open arms, not closed in fear or shame. I believe It Will Never Happen to Me will help in that process.