While hundreds of thousands of people are in recovery from substance use disorders, codependency, and adult-child issues, our communities continue to be impacted by addiction. Opiates, cocaine, methamphetamine, and marijuana use is rampant throughout our communities. But, historically, the number one abused drug is alcohol.
In today’s phraseology, the word addict encompasses both the alcoholic and the person addicted to other drugs or compulsive behaviors. It is recognized that a large majority of people who struggle with addiction to alcohol are actively addicted to at least one other substance. And even if they do not show signs of another form (substance and/or behavior) of addiction, they need to refrain from the use of other substances because those other substances would lead them to relapse in their primary disorder or seek out another drug to become their new anesthetizer. As a consequence, the words alcoholic and addict will be used interchangeably throughout this book.
When these terms are used within this book they are referring to people who have neither the ability to consistently control their drinking or using nor the capability to predict their behavior once they start. Their drinking/using causes problems in major areas of their lives and yet they continue to do so. This is a person who has developed a psychological dependency on a substance coupled with a physiological addiction. It is someone who has experienced a change in tolerance to alcohol or other drugs and needs to drink or use more to reach the desired effect. Their need to drink or use becomes a greater and greater preoccupation. At one time in their lives they had the ability to choose to drink or use. In time, it became not a matter of choice but a compulsion.
Many people are confused about substance use disorders (SUD) because there is no one specific pattern of behavior. Addicts differ in their styles of drinking or using and the consequences of the addiction vary. Some use daily; others in episodic patterns; some stay dry for long intervals between binges. Some alcoholics drink only beer or only wine; for others, the choice is hard liquor. Still others will drink a wide variety of alcoholic beverages. While addiction appears very early in the lives of some people, for others it takes years to develop. Some claim to have started drinking or using addictively from their first use; many others report they drank or used for years before crossing over the invisible line that separates recreational use from addictive use.
Regardless of the predominant drug being abused or the combination of drugs, it is my hope the reader will see similarities in other substance-abusing families. The commonalities will be in living with extremes, living with the unknown, and with fears. It is living in a system where the addiction has become central to the family and the needs of the individual family members become secondary to the needs of the addict and his or her addiction.
Since the original writing of It Will Never Happen to Me, we have become more adept at recognizing multidrug abuse and what is referred to as process addictions, and that both substance and process addictions may coexist and are often ritualized. Such addictions could be gambling, gaming, spending, eating disorders, sex, and love and relationships. The commonalities across addictive disorders are:
1. A pattern of out-of-control behavior, meaning that those with addictive disorders are not able to predict their use once they engage in the substance or behavior, nor willingly stop their use.
2. Negative consequences due to the behavior.
3. Inability to stop, despite the consequences.
4. An escalation in indulgence due to change in tolerance, i.e., the need to use or engage more to get the desired effect.
5. Preoccupation—the anticipation of, involvement in, or reflection about their addictive behavior is the focus of their thoughts and feelings.
6. Denial—minimization, rationalization, denial of their behavior as a problem occurs to the point of delusional thinking.
Whether or not the addiction is a substance or process, the behavior of the nonaddicted parent follows similar patterns as well. Spouses and partners of the addict are commonly thought of as codependents. The prefix co was originally used to describe a marriage or committed partner in a coupleship who had become increasingly preoccupied with the behavior of the addict and functioned in the role of a primary enabler. Today the term codependent has expanded to include the dynamics of giving up a sense of self or experiencing a diminished sense of self. We also recognize that many of the codependent traits are reactions to traumatic stress and are frequently trauma responses.
The partner experience often involves:
1. Loss of sense of self.
2. Being obsessed with another person who facilitates not dealing with own life.
3. Reacting to someone else’s behavior instead of acting from personal motives.
4. Being all-consumed with another and putting own priorities on hold.
5. Taking responsibility for other people, tasks, and situations.
6. Engaging in a denial system.
The combination of addiction and codependency often results in neither parent being responsive and available in a healthy manner on a consistent, predictable basis. Children are affected not only by the addicted parent but also by a codependent and the resulting unhealthy family dynamics.
The National Association of Children of Addiction has reported seventy-six million Americans, about 43 percent of the United States adult population, have been exposed to alcoholism in the family. There are an estimated 26.8 million people who have or are currently living in a home impacted by substance use disorders. Preliminary research suggests that over eleven million of these children are under the age of eighteen. Compared to children living in families not affected by substance use disorders:
• They are twice as likely to have an alcohol and/or other drug use disorder themselves by young adulthood compared to their peers.
• They are more likely to marry someone who has a substance use disorder.
• They are more likely to enter foster care and remain longer in foster care than do other children.
• They exhibit signs of depression and anxiety more so than other children.
• The rate of total primary healthcare costs for children of alcoholics is 32 percent greater than children from nonalcoholic families.
• Admission rates to hospitals are 24 percent greater; hospital stays on average 20 percent longer.
• In general, they do less well on academic measures.
• They also have a higher rate of school absenteeism and are more likely to leave school prematurely.
• Substance abuse causes or exacerbates seven out of ten cases of child abuse or neglect.
• Children whose parents abuse alcohol and/or other drugs are almost three times more likely to be abused and more than four times likelier to be neglected.
As alarming as that is, the greatest majority of people raised in a family impacted by addiction, in fact, do not experience blatant abuse and don’t show blatant mental health issues or become addicted. Yet all have been subjected to traumatic stress throughout the most developmentally vulnerable time in their life. As a consequence, they struggle with self esteem issues, they have difficulty coping with stress, and their distorted issues around boundaries create havoc in their parenting, friendships, and intimacy skills. Whether the impact is subtle or blatant, there are few adult children who wouldn’t benefit from looking at the effect addiction had on their growing-up years. It gives them the opportunity to thrive in all areas of their life, to let go of defenses they learned long ago that unbeknown to them sabotage aspects of their relationships. Regardless of how resilient a child may be and his or her ability to look good to the world, what lies beneath the outer behavior is a delayed emotional and psychological stress response. Children have survived at a very high price to their emotional, social, spiritual and, often, physical well-being.
Whether or not you were raised in an addictive family system, It Will Never Happen to Me may offer a framework for people raised in other types of troubled families to better understand their family of origin dynamics. People raised with physical and/or sexual abuse (without addiction), with mental illness—ranging from schizophrenia, anxiety to depression, to raging parents—frequently identify with adult-child issues. People raised with parents affected by chronic health issues or physical challenges, highly rigid and controlling parenting, narcissistic parenting, or those in an enmeshed relationship between parent and child will experience similar dynamics. It is also possible that addiction is in the family but skipped a generation leaving the reader to have been raised by an adult child. The connecting thread between these many different types of families is the experience of chronic loss that fuels emotional isolation, rigidity in thought and behavior, and/or shame—the belief that one is not worthy or lacks value. Whatever the circumstances, coming from a history of chronic loss is like being a first cousin to the person raised with addiction.
As you self reflect and are willing to learn about yourself, you have the opportunity to feel validation never before experienced, to experience clarity lessening the confusion of what has been occurring in present-day life, and to discover a direction and focus that ultimately offers you more meaning.