CHAPTER TWO

Family Roles

We became the late-night regulars at the local hospital’s emergency room. For instance, one night Mom dropped a gin bottle on her foot and sliced one of her tendons. Another time she was washing dishes drunk, broke a glass, and sliced a tendon in her arm. Another night she threw a saltshaker at Dad, got him in the forehead, and he needed stitches. Once when I was alone with Mom, she fell through the window and was lying there in blood and broken glass, half on the patio, half in the family room. I phoned Dad and he yelled at me to pull her in from the window so she wouldn’t fall farther and slice herself in half. I got down on my hands and knees in the broken glass. I stuck myself through the hole she’d fallen through and moved enough glass away from her so I could pull her inside without cutting her up too badly. Then I cleaned her off and waited for Dad.

Jan

Somebody may ask, “What happened then?” Nothing happens then. Nothing. It is Tuesday night. Or it could be Wednesday or maybe Thursday. But nothing in particular happens. It is just another night in this young girl’s life.

But something does happen—children learn to repress their fears, sadness, anger, and humiliation. Yet somewhere in their bodies the depth of those experiences and feelings remains, typically dictating how they will perceive and respond to themselves and others. They walk through life conditioned by years of helplessness and powerlessness. Eighteen-year-old Jan is already abusing alcohol and cocaine, is bulimic, sexually promiscuous and, ultimately, suicidal.

While the following experience may not be as extreme, Matt would also experience the consequences of living in an addictive family.

I didn’t know Dad was addicted to drugs or alcohol until my parents separated. My mom kept it a secret, and my dad just didn’t come home much. He was a doctor and I thought all doctors worked a lot. When he was home I was to stay out of his way, not to be a problem. I learned never to question and never to expect anything. I was just supposed to accept his absence and disregard for us. Mom vacillated between depression, being super mother, and having a short temper. I could see her stress, but it was never discussed. I really thought I was not affected, but then I began to have problems in my relationships. I always seemed to need one but didn’t know how to be close. I became anxious about everything and then that would end the relationship and sabotage my performance at school. I began to experience depression and still struggle with it today. I realize I missed out on a whole lot of basics, such as feeling I was worthy or that my needs were of value or that I could talk about any of it.

The short vignettes in many ways summarize life for a child growing up with addiction. The unpredictability, the confusion, the false guilt, the sense of defeat, the chronic fear, and loneliness that is pervasive in their childhood now permeates their adult life. Then the legacy begins to repeat itself.

Adult children don’t have a sense of what normal is; they don’t know what a healthy family would be like. Healing can begin by understanding the differences between healthier functioning families and those that are less functional.

Functional	Dysfunctional
The system is open, expanding, and changing.	The system is rigid, closed, and secretive.
Feelings are allowed and shared.	The system controls which feelings are allowed.
Mistakes are acknowledged, possibly disciplined, and forgiven.	Mistakes are punished, judged, and shamed.
The system serves/exists for the individual.	The individual serves/exists for the system.
Individual boundaries are supported.	Individual boundaries are not respected nor valued.
Each generation redefines.	Intergenerational repeats.
Family roles are chosen by the individual.	Family roles are assumed via the function of the system.

The healthy functioning of a family is sabotaged when addiction permeates that system.

Reacting to the Troubled Family System

Consistency is one of the clearest indicators of a smoothly functioning family. In contrast, inconsistency and unpredictability best describe living in a family impacted by addiction. As the problems surrounding the addiction cause more and more inconsistency and unpredictability in the home, the behavior of the nonaddicted family members typically becomes an attempt to restabilize the family system. Members of this family act and react in a manner that makes life easier and less painful. What children do while living in an addictive environment they do because at that time it makes sense.

In most well-functioning families, emotions are expressed clearly, with each person being given the opportunity to share his or her feelings. Emotions are accepted by an attentive group that offers understanding and support. Family members can freely ask for attention and in return give attention to others.

In a home beset with addiction, feelings can get big very fast or literally disappear into nowhere. Emotions are repressed and become twisted. They are often not shared and, unfortunately, when they are expressed, it is done in a judgmental manner with blame being placed on one another. Apprehension exists around even the most minor of situations or decisions, where that which doesn’t matter gets a lot of attention and that which does gets swept under the rug and ignored.

Everyone was worrying about someone else’s feelings and discounting their own. My mother would feel sad and worry about something going on with me. Rather than see it as my mother’s sadness and worry, my father wanted me to be different so she wouldn’t feel sad or worry. No one wanted to take responsibility for their own problems—they always blamed someone else.

You don’t have anything to be crying about. Get out of here before I slap your face.

You don’t have anything to be angry about, after all your father does for you. You should be ashamed. You want me to tell him what you just said?

While constructive alliances are part of the healthy family, members of an addicted family system often lack alliances or alliances will be unhealthy. Family members frequently operate with marked independence from each other, very separated, as if they are on two different planets. Or they are highly enmeshed, not allowing anyone to have their own sense of autonomy. Invariably you will find alliances where family members join each other and together those two (or more) unite against another. A son becomes the surrogate spouse to his mother and together they bond against the father/husband. Siblings may turn to each other for support but may also compete for attention that is limited. They may manipulate the parents to get what they need, jockeying for an edge over another sibling.

Families have rules, which need to be fair and flexible. These rules also need to be verbalized. Rules such as “No hitting” or “Everyone will have a chance to be heard” lead to healthier functioning within a system. In addictive family structures, rules are usually fueled by shame, guilt, or fear. Rather than a verbalized rule that says, “There will be no hitting,” there is an unspoken, silent rule that says, “You won’t tell others how you got that bruise.” The rules often reinforce secrecy. “What happens here stays here; you tell no one.” “Only my voice is important in this family. I make the rules, you obey them.” “It’s not okay to question authority.”

Many times there are clearly defined roles within the family. It is typical for adults in the family to divide or share the roles of being breadwinner and administrator—the one who makes the decisions within the home. Children raised in homes where open communication is practiced and consistency of lifestyle is the norm usually have the ability to adopt a variety of roles, dependent upon the situation. These children learn how to be responsible, to organize, develop realistic goals, play, laugh, and enjoy themselves. They learn a sense of flexibility and spontaneity. They are usually taught how to be sensitive to the feelings of others and are willing to be helpful. These children learn a sense of autonomy and independence and, at the same time, how to belong to a group. Children growing up in addictive homes, however, seldom learn the combinations of roles that mold healthy personalities. Instead, they become locked into roles based on their perception of what they need to do to survive and bring stability to their lives.

Those who work with young people in schools, in the juvenile justice system, and family service agencies often report contact with a high percentage of children from addicted homes. But when they speak of this young person they are more apt to describe him or her as an angry, acting-out child, showing behavioral problems. I contend most children impacted by addiction in the family are not seen by school counselors, are not addressed in juvenile justice systems and family service agencies. In the school setting, if they are seen it is often because they are asked to be of help to the teacher or the administrator. Their leadership skills are tapped to be of assistance. The majority are not children who become runaways or perform poorly in school. They are not blatantly angry. They do not exhibit problematic behavior. They do not draw enough attention to themselves to be identified as being in need of attention. As a result, they are a neglected population. If they are busy and look good or are simply less visible, they will be ignored.

Feeling trapped in a highly confusing system, family members do what is needed to be safe. They do what they need to preserve the family system. This typically means they hide their feelings behind an artificial behavior pattern.

Family Roles

The majority of children tend to adopt one or a combination of the following roles: the responsible child, adjuster, placater, or mascot. These are roles that allow children to draw either positive attention or no attention to themselves. A smaller percentage finds ways to draw negative attention by adopting a fifth role, the acting-out child. Some children clearly fit into one of these roles. For most, though, there is a primary and then secondary role. Someone may identify strongly with being in the responsible child role, but in certain instances quickly move into being an adjuster. It is very common to see the responsible child also be a placater. There are occasions in which a child switches roles. This means that for a period of time in his or her life he or she was responsible then moved into the acting-out role. Every role has strengths, but equally every role has deficits or vulnerabilities. Fitting with the research about birth order, an only or oldest child is most likely to be a very responsible child. This child not only assumes a great deal of responsibility for himself but does so for other family members as well. This is the nine-year-old going on thirty-five, the twelve-year-old going on forty. From the onset of addiction in the family, this child has been an adult. It is the seven-year-old putting Mom to bed, the nine-year-old getting dinner ready every night, the twelve-year-old driving his father around because Dad’s too drunk to drive himself. Overall, this is the child whose adult-like behavior is compensating for a parent’s immaturity. This role is one in which the child seldom misbehaves but, rather, takes on many of the household and parenting responsibilities for the other siblings and, very possibly, for the parents.

Next is the child who is usually not the oldest or the only child. This is the child who does not develop the need to be responsible for himself or others. The need is not as great because there is often an older sibling providing the needed structure in the environment. This middle or younger child finds the best role to play is that of the adjuster or often thought of as the lost child. It is easier to simply follow directions, handle whatever has to be handled, and adjust to the circumstances of the day. She spends a lot of time alone, in her room on the computer, or off in the corner reading. Simply out of sight. This coping pattern allows the child to appear more flexible, more spontaneous, and possibly, more selfish than others in the home.

A third common pattern within this increasingly chaotic home life is that of the placater. This is the family comforter, or otherwise known as the household social worker. It is this child who, with great sensitivity to the feelings of others, takes responsibility for other people’s painful feelings, doing whatever he or she can to lessen their pain. The placater is a good listener, taking away his mother’s sadness, brother’s fear, sister’s embarrassment, and his father’s anger. A fourth role is that of the family mascot, often thought of as the comic in the family. The mascot is great at distracting others from the family pain with his or her humorous antics. In doing so, this child distracts himself from his pain and confusion as well.

We can easily find value in all of these role characteristics and typically don’t see them as destructive. In fact, labeling children with words such as “responsible,” “caring,” “able to adjust to crisis” and “funny” allows them, as adults, to pat themselves on the back for having been such good “survivors.” The survival mechanisms of those who “look good” often though lead to unhealthy extremes. The need for this coping behavior frequently results in emotional and psychological deficits. It is the understanding of such deficits that allows one to understand how survivors end up living out a family script. It is this family script that draws them into behaving addictively themselves, marrying someone who is or becomes an addict or having emotional and psychological problems in their adult years.

While those who ascribe to looking-good roles are reacting to the turmoil in their lives in a way that doesn’t draw negative attention to them or their family members, a small number of children will find ways to say loudly that something is very wrong. Metaphorically and literally, they walk through their growing-up years and, often, adult years, with their fists clenched and raised, with a finger protruding, saying, “There is something very wrong in my life and you are going to notice me.” Instead of behaving in a manner that actually brings greater stability into their lives, or at least one that does not add to the turmoil, acting-out children often display highly problematic behavior. Their behavior more adequately typifies the true state of the family.

As you read further, do not be locked into the labels of these roles. There are many possible adjectives that may have more meaning for you. Common terms may be “hero (responsible),” “scapegoat (acting-out),” “wallflower (adjuster),” “peacemaker (placater),” “clown (mascot),” “comic,” “scorekeeper,” “chameleon,” etc. What is most crucial is to ascertain if you identify with any particular role (named by me or you) as a part of responding to an addictive family and, to ultimately, recognize both its strengths and vulnerabilities.

Responsible Child

Everything must be in order in my household or it brings great anxiety to me. My growing-up years were nothing but total CHAOS.

Children need consistency and structure. As a person’s addiction progresses and the partner becomes more and more preoccupied with the addict, children experience decreasing consistency and structure in the family unit. This makes their lives less and less predictable. Some days when Dad is drinking or using, no disruption or tension occurs. On other days, he becomes loud, opinionated, and demanding in his expectations of the children. Mom, at times, reacts to this disruptive behavior by being passive and ignoring it, while other times she makes arrangements for the children to go to the neighbor’s home until Dad goes to bed or leaves, or she tells them to go outside and play. The children don’t know what to expect from either parent when Dad drinks.

When the parents do not provide structure and consistency, children will find ways to provide it for themselves. The oldest child or an only child, very often becomes the responsible one in the family. This child takes responsibility for the environmental structure in the home and provides consistency for others. When Dad starts raging while drinking or after being away for a few days and comes home in withdrawal, this youngster gathers the coats and pajamas of the other children and leads them to the neighbor’s house. While Mom and Dad are out getting loaded together, the responsible child directs the other children to their bedrooms, ensures they complete their homework, instructs them to change into their nightclothes, and go to bed. This is the nine-year-old girl who has a flow-chart across her bedroom wall marking what she needs to do on a daily basis to take care of the house. She assumes a lot of responsibility because she feels the need for structure. In this situation, she perceives that her mother, who works more than eight hours a day, is always sad and tired. Mom never complains, but this young girl knows it helps when the carpet is vacuumed, the dirty clothes ready for the laundry, the shopping completed, the dishes washed. She also knows everything seems better when her brothers and sisters receive direction from her about what they can and cannot do. When this nine-year-old takes charge, her siblings feel safer and they are less apt to bother their mom and dad. Overall, everyone in the family seems a lot happier.

Sometimes the responsible children are directed to assume this role; other times, they assume the role voluntarily. Maddie, age thirty, said, “My mom took me out of a foster home I had been in for three years just so I could be home to take care of my two younger brothers.” Another adult-child told me, “My being such a good housekeeper, cook, and parent to my sister made it easier for Dad to be out of the house when Mom was loaded. He didn’t know what to do, so he just worked later and later and had more and more business trips.” It is typical for the parents to take great pride in their adult-like youngsters. Responsible children make life easier for the parents by providing more time for the addicted and nonaddicted parent to be focused on themselves and each other.

Whether responsible children are blatantly directed into this role or more subtly fall into it, it is a role that brings them comfort. Playing the responsible role provides stability in the life of the child and in the lives of other family members. Responsible children find comfort in their organizational skills. They practice this role so consistently that they become exceptionally adept at planning and manipulating. In order to provide the structure they seek, they often manipulate their brothers and sisters. This ability to organize, to affect others, and to accomplish goals provides these children with leadership qualities—qualities that get them elected as class leaders, captains of teams, and presidents of clubs.

Responsible youngsters become adept at setting tangible goals: “I’ll be sure I get the grocery list done tonight and do the shopping tomorrow after school,” and “I’ll be sure the boys get their baths tonight, and the girls tomorrow night.” These goals are realistic and attainable. In an addictive home, one is most realistic if one thinks of goals on a short-range basis. “What can I get done today?” “What will I get done tomorrow?” If these children begin thinking about what they want to accomplish in terms of the next few weeks or months, they know their home situation may not remain stable enough for them to follow through with their plans. Too many long-range plans are negatively affected by addiction. “I don’t remember my mom or dad ever planning a birthday celebration for me. I certainly didn’t expect one. But a couple of times I called my mom on my birthday and asked her if I could bring home a couple friends from school, as if it would be a party. I knew her answer always depended on Dad’s mood, and she could only predict it a few hours ahead.”

In setting short-term goals that are realistic the child has a better chance for success and experiences a sense of accomplishment. Responsibility, organization, setting, and achieving goals are attributes encouraged and rewarded in our culture. Again, this is not the behavior where a child is identified as a child in need. Being goal-oriented allows a child diversion from the family pain; it provides him or her with psychological relief; he or she gets positive feedback. Most importantly, at this stressful time, it makes life easier and responsible children find meaning in their behavior.

Responsible children have learned to rely completely on themselves. It is what makes the most sense to them. They have learned the best way to achieve stability is to provide it for themselves: “If you want to get something done, do it yourself.” They cannot consistently rely on their mother or father. The parents may respond to the children emotionally and psychologically at times, but the unpredictability and inconsistency of the parents’ behavior are destructive elements.

Children also come to believe that other adults will not be available to them when help is needed. If they cannot trust the people in their lives who are supposed to care about them, how can they trust that others will be there for them? They assume others won’t see what they see, believe what they experience. When others do not intervene, they interpret that to mean others don’t care about them.

Most adults perceive responsible children as very mature, dependable, and serious. Peers often view these children as not quite so much fun as their other friends but recognize them to be smart. The responsible child socially either becomes active in structured social activities or does not have a significant social life. This child needs to be in organized situations where he or she feels in control and a sense of safety. He also finds himself to be a leader in these organized fun events reinforcing his role.

Adjuster

Put me in any situation now and I can adjust. But please, don’t ask me to be responsible for it or change it.

When others in the home—typically an older sibling or the mother or father—provide structure, younger children may find it is not necessary to be responsible for themselves or their environment. The child called the adjuster finds it much easier to exist in this increasingly chaotic family situation by simply adjusting to whatever happens. This youngster does not attempt to prevent or alleviate any situation. The child doesn’t think about the situation or experience any emotions as a result of it. Whatever happens, when it happens, is simply handled. The adjuster’s bottom-line thinking is “I can’t do anything about it anyway,” which in many cases is realistic. A clinician would describe the adjuster as the child who seems most detached from the family. The other children in the home may perceive this child as more selfish, while the parents don’t seem to notice this child as much.

While the responsible child, placater, mascot and, certainly, the acting-out child are quite visible, the adjusting child is seen less often. This is the youngster who most likely goes to his room unannounced, who spends less time at home and more time outside the house with his friends. This is the family member who seems oblivious to the conflicts and emotions at home. “What fight? Oh yeah that … Oh well.”

As the child heads out the door to stay at a friend’s house for the night and the father hollers, “Where do you think you’re going? Who gave you permission to go anywhere? You aren’t going anywhere. You are staying right here tonight!” the adjuster simply comes back, returns his clothes to the closet, and quietly calls his friend to give some excuse for not coming over. He knows that Dad had told him earlier in the day that it was okay to spend the night at his friend’s house. He knows that Mom is also aware of that. Yet, he also knows it won’t do any good to argue with his dad now that he has been drinking. This same child, when his dad hasn’t shown up for one single ball game all season, simply tells Mom it was no big deal and not to feel bad because he doesn’t feel bad. “Besides, if Dad had shown up, he probably would have been drunk anyway.” It’s just easier to accept the situation.

Children describe the many times Mom becomes angry with Dad because of his being loaded so she packs the children and their belongings into the car and races off to a relative’s. The next day, she packs them up again and returns home because somehow Mom and Dad got things worked out. Clothes are back in the drawers, and they’re all sitting at the dinner table—everyone acting as if the previous night didn’t happen. I have heard so many times, “It doesn’t help to question it. It is just easier that way. And it certainly doesn’t help to interfere.” Adjusting children find it wiser to follow the flow of what is happening and to make sure they don’t draw attention to themselves. This child is just as often thought of as the lost child. This behavior is less painful for these children and makes life easier for the rest of the family as well. The role of the adjuster is permeated with denial but without the focus on others.

Acting without thinking or feeling is typical of the true adjuster. A young woman once told me about the time she and her father had gone to a ball game together, thirty miles from home. She said her father dropped her off at the game, and he went to a bar. He was intoxicated when he picked her up after the game. She said this didn’t cause her any concern. In fact, it was typical. But on that night, as they headed for home, he stopped at another bar, fifteen miles away. He gave her the keys to the car and said, “Now, I want you to drive home and tell your mom I am at the D.B. Bar and Tavern and I’ll be home in a little while.” The young girl got in the car and drove home. Even though she didn’t know how to drive, she didn’t question her father or his instructions. She said, “He had left the car running and it was an automatic. I just got in and pointed it toward home. I ran in and out of ditches and drove mostly on the shoulder, but I got home. I was crying the whole way home, but when I got there I calmed myself down, went into the house, put the keys on the counter, walked into my mother’s bedroom, and told Mom that Dad was at the D.B. Bar and Tavern and would be home in a while. I then went to my room and went to bed.” She said her father and mother both knew she didn’t drive: her father ignored the fact; her mother didn’t even ask how she got home. She said, “Once I got in the house, I didn’t think about what had happened.”

“Put me in any situation and I will handle it. I won’t feel, get upset, or question it; I will just respond to it.” The adjuster does not think of saying, “Dad, I can’t drive home. I don’t know how to drive.” She doesn’t want to upset her father. She doesn’t think of simply waiting for him to come out of the bar after it closes. After all, she was given instructions and she has learned the best way to keep peace in the family is to respond to those instructions without question. She doesn’t think of calling her mother and asking for advice on how to handle the situation—she does not want to cause her mother any problems. It is just so much safer to handle the situation alone.

At school, the adjusting child is as nondescript as he or she is at home. Regardless of intelligence, this child is academically about average, not demonstrating brilliance or ignorance, consequently not drawing any negative or positive attention through schoolwork. As a result, this child does not greatly impact or impress teachers.

In social situations at school, the adjuster associates with other children but remains somewhat detached, more aloof, and in the outer parameters of social circles. Adjusters don’t lead and are most frequently followers.

Placater

I am really good at distracting people when they are afraid or angry. I can sit for hours with someone when they are alone. People like me. I am nice. Kind. Sensitive to others. A good listener. Wonder what I would be or feel if I wasn’t so nice and responsive to others. Maybe no one would like me.

In every family there is usually at least one child who is particularly more emotionally sensitive than the others. The placater finds the best way to cope in this inconsistent and tension-filled home is by acting in a way that will lessen his own tension and pain and that of the other family members. Not able to build a wall to protect his feelings as well as those who take on the other roles do, this child will spend his early years trying to fix the sadness, fears, angers, and problems of brothers, sisters and, certainly, of the parents. It is an all-consuming role that not only allows him to feel better about himself, but he is appreciated by those he is attending to. In this process, the family system seems more stable and, in the moment, more safe.

While Mom and Dad are arguing, and the other children are afraid of what will happen, the placater does what he or she can to diminish the fear. When a sibling is embarrassed by Mom’s drunken behavior at the supermarket, this most-sensitive child acts to make the situation less painful for the sister. A brother is angry because Dad broke another promise, so the placater reacts to help dispel the brother’s anger. This pattern develops at a surprisingly young age, as demonstrated when five-year-old Michael told his crying mom, “Don’t worry Mom, I won’t remember all of this when I grow up.” The placater is always there to make life easier for others by doing whatever is necessary to take the emotional pain out of the home.

As this child grows to adulthood, others experience him as a nice person. After all, he spends his time trying to please others, trying to make others feel better, and usually he succeeds in doing just that. The placater becomes exceptionally skilled at listening and demonstrating empathy and is well liked for these attributes. If this child is a full-fledged placater, he will never disagree. In fact, he is the first to apologize if he feels an apology is needed, especially if it will protect another person. Eleven-year-old Tom apologized to his mother on the average of ten to fifteen times a day. “I’m sorry you broke the milk bottle,” “I’m sorry you don’t feel well,” “I’m sorry I am thirty seconds late to the breakfast table,” “I am just plain sorry.” Tom’s mom was an addict, and Tom said, “I just couldn’t figure out why she was always loaded and knew there must be something I did to make her so unhappy. So I just tried to make it better by apologizing.”

Parents are often proud of the placater for being so selfless, caring so much about others over himself. They never have to worry about the placater being disappointed because he doesn’t appear to get upset when plans fall through and doesn’t let anyone know he is bothered by anything. Dad doesn’t take the children to the game as promised; the placating youngster squelches his own disappointment and focuses on his younger brother for the rest of the day. When Mom says, “No,” unjustifiably, this sensitive child may have tears well up in his eyes but goes to his room to cry alone. He isn’t going to argue or run to the other parent. In every way, he seems to be a very warm, caring, nonproblematic child.

By the time I was five I had learned how to take care of others. My parents repeatedly told me the story of what happened when I was in the hospital at age five for a tonsillectomy. While waiting in the pre-op room, another five-year-old girl began to cry in anticipation of her surgery. I went to her and very expertly calmed and soothed her fear. In retrospect, I only did what I’d been trained for. That’s what I did at home with my mother. I had to mask all of my own feelings in order to bring happiness to everyone else.

These characteristics of sensitivity are displayed outside the home just as they are within the walls of the family. In fact, these are the qualities that make the placating children so well liked by others. Being a placater is certainly safe. If he allowed himself to risk self-disclosure, he would have to experience the pain of that reality. Placaters are highly skilled at diverting attention from themselves and focusing it onto others. Imagine the resultant personality when this role is combined with that of the responsible child—the combination of the child responsible for the tangible environment and for the emotional needs of others, he becomes the household social worker. It is easy to understand why placaters are well-liked at school and at home; it is even easier to recognize why they don’t draw attention to themselves as a child in need.

Mascot

I didn’t pay any attention to what was really happening at home. I was busy running from the moment by finding something that made people laugh. When they felt better I felt better. It was clear to me that someone needed to distract the rest of them from the absurdity.

Cute, funny, quick-witted are the words family members use to describe the child who takes on the role of mascot in the family. Other words for the mascot are the family clown or comic. Siblings often think of this child as the family pet. In his or her humorous style, this method of distraction prevents both the mascot and other family members from focusing on the pain. Mascots usually received a lot of reinforcement from others to continue in this role because it provides relief. Humor and wit lead to positive attention; this is extremely important to a child who is not getting the attention deserved.

Deb could get anyone to laugh. She was adept at knowing who needed her in the moment; she was intuitive in her ability to find those who were hurting, angry, and lost. Everyone liked her. As she moved into her teenage years, she was always the life of a party. When she was around, no one was focused on anything but her. While placaters do what they can to take care of family pain by being caring, sensitive, and good listeners, the mascot takes care of the pain by making faces, telling jokes, or teasing in a humorous way that gives other people the sense they are liked. This behavior is not used to belittle or hurt anyone. This is a vibrant child with energy and whose actions certainly do not say, “Look at me, I am in pain,” but rather says, “Look at me, aren’t I cute. How can you not like me?” For the mascot, it is possibly the only time he or she has felt noticed, offering him or her a sense of belonging. Mascots aren’t succumbing to the seriousness of their life; they are using what both they and their family needs and that is distraction from the real issues—the pain of addiction.

Distractibility is their second name. They often show a lot of energy in their role and are always prepared to not just distract others from what could be occurring but need to be distracted themselves.

The mascot role is a great mask for the entire family. As others meet this young person, they see charisma, wit, and brightness. They see adaptability. Other people are often attracted to someone like this. Should they know this child is living in a family impacted by addiction, they are quick to believe this child is just fine because, after all, this child seems happy.

Acting-Out Child

Alcohol was uncool because that is what our parents used. So my friends and I started taking drugs. They could wipe out any feelings. I could decide what to feel. I felt relaxed, not so manic or intense. I took meth in dosages even heroin addicts were afraid of and that made me feel powerful. People saw me as crazy but that was okay. I felt strong. Friends called me Loadie, and I wanted to wear that name as a star on my lapel. I looked up to my friends—they were fun, cool, and I wanted to be like them and liked by them. So I was off and running and never looking back.

The acting-out child is the stereotype of a child from a troubled family. She feels her anger and she is going to let the world know about it. These children either don’t have the words to describe their life, or they don’t trust anyone will listen let alone be of any help. So they act out by lying, cheating, defying authority and rules. They engage in behavior that is outright abusive and disrespectful of others and others’ property. Their behavior assists the family in staying in denial about the central issue of addiction, as it provides distractions from the real issues. If there is a blatantly angry child in the family, it is often easier for parents to focus on that child and the ensuing problems created rather than worry about the father’s or mother’s drinking or using. Such children are the ones who perform poorly or drop out of school or experience teenage pregnancy. Many become a part of the criminal justice or psychiatric systems. While acting-out children are the ones most likely to be addressed and receive help from one or more professionals, the addiction within the family is typically ignored.

Unacceptable behavior is learned and parents are the primary role models in this learning process. Parents usually set the mold, either through action or inaction. Parental immaturity—often expressed in extreme selfishness, lack of consistency, cruel teasing, inappropriate discipline, lack of structure, or lack of healthy limit-setting—is frequently characteristic of life in addictive homes. Most children in trouble have an extremely poor self-image, reflecting their parents’ feelings of inadequacy. Acting-out children find it nearly impossible to communicate their feelings to adults in a healthy way. While other children with the same problems learn how to repress problem areas and focus on other areas of their lives, acting-out children use unacceptable forms of behavior to say, “Care about me” or “I can’t cope.” These children are attempting to be the voice for the family, saying, “Help! Look at us!” Often they have less denial than others about what is occurring in the family. They can be exceptionally creative and even show leadership ability. They simply tend to lead in the wrong direction.

Where other children tend to draw positive attention to themselves or escape attention altogether, the acting-out child contributes to the severity of his own situation by eliciting the kind of attention that causes parents to cry, nag, belittle, or even strike their child. This ultimately undermines the child’s developing self-esteem.

The opinions and acceptance of one’s peers are extremely important to most young people. While the acting-out child pushes many of his peers away, ultimately, in a desire for belonging, he will gravitate toward others who have equally low self-esteem. In this process, he not only garners a sense of belonging but also an identity.

Unfortunately, most of these acting-out children don’t get help. For those who do, the help they get is only for their problematic behavior, not for being part of an addictive family system, which is the basis for their behavior.

Over the years, people have frequently challenged whether or not these roles are different in other families. As stated previously, there are defined roles within any family as a result of parental expectations and the influence of birth order. The difference is that in the addictive family system the roles are fueled and created from a basis of fear and shame. As a result, children become locked into these roles based on their perception of what is necessary for survivorship. Consequently, they rigidly adhere to the strength of a role to such an extreme that what was positive often becomes a strong negative behavior.

The value of addressing roles is to recognize their strengths, vulnerabilities, how they are integral to the family system, what you want to keep and, ultimately, what you need to learn to compensate for the vulnerability of the role.

The bottom-line: All children impacted by addiction in their growing-up years are affected.