CHAPTER FIVE

Living with Trauma

Children of addiction are also children of trauma. It would be several years after the initial writing of It Will Never Happen to Me that people’s responses to acute trauma, such as a shooting, a car accident, a natural disaster, and acts of terrorism would be studied in depth. With the focus of research on people’s responses to traumatic incidents, it became apparent post-traumatic stress that was identified during the Vietnam war was being experienced by people who had different traumas. As researchers and psychotherapists were becoming more familiar with post-traumatic stress, they noticed that the trauma responses they witnessed in those who were survivors of acute trauma were many of the same responses occurring in people with chronic stressful childhoods. Children raised with addiction experience what is called developmental trauma as they are subjected to both traumatic stress and acute traumas during their developmental years—the time in their life when their bodies, brains, and personalities are being formed.

When a family is ill with the disease of addiction, its members are much more likely to experience trauma than those from nonaddicted families. Addiction worsens every dimension of trauma.

Addiction creates chronic losses for everyone in the family—a loss of trust, connection, intimacy, stability, honesty, fun, clear communication, safety, and healthy boundaries. As the disease progresses, family members also lose jobs, relationships, financial stability, and health. Some lose their lives. Not having the opportunity to grow up outside the veil of fear and shame, children lose the innocence of their childhoods. As one loss gets compounded upon another, the result is trauma.

Basic Facts about Trauma

•  Trauma is caused by an event that the body and parts of the brain perceive as overwhelming or terrifying.

•  Trauma breaks down one’s psychological defenses and shatters one’s sense of security.

•  Most events that cause trauma are unexpected. Yet, for many in a family impacted by addiction, they do expect it, they just don’t always know when.

•  Trauma can be the result of a string of expected but unavoidable painful events, repeated over and over. This is even more descriptive of life with addiction in the family.

•  Many traumas occur in the context of relationships. When the source of that trauma is someone who is supposed to care for you, love you, support you, the impact is greater.

Children demonstrate differences in their responses to trauma due to three important factors:

1.  Their age at the time the trauma occurs or begins. The younger you are as you begin to experience traumatic stress, the greater the biological impact as it is impinging on the whole body in its crucial development. Unfortunately, many children are born into families already experiencing the impact of addiction in the family.

2.  The help that others provide or fail to provide during or after a traumatic event will have a profound effect on how well and how quickly you recover. Children who had a parent who offered some protection and nurturing in spite of what was occurring in the family will benefit. Many children can credit other siblings for protecting and nurturing them. Frequently, extended family members such as grandparents, or someone at school (a particular teacher or coach), or often a friends’ parent, will have a positive impact on a child. Many adult children are able to identify a host of people throughout their lives who they will credit with offering some support. Having someone or a combination of people in your life who helps you feel cared for, loved, helps with problemsolving, or simply gives you a respite or encouragement is extremely important in helping you develop resiliency in the face of trauma. They become your safety net.

3.  The more previous traumas you have experienced the greater the traumatic impact. Trauma placed upon already existing trauma accumulates and the stress has a multiplying effect. A soldier who experiences trauma in combat is more likely to have post-traumatic stress if he or she also experienced traumatic stress growing up. If there are two girls being bullied at school and one is raised in a family impacted by addiction and the other is not, the one raised with addiction will struggle even more with the impact of the bullying. If your mother is ill with a terminal illness while you are growing up in an addicted house that will increase the traumatic stress. The stress that comes with having one parent who is bipolar, having difficult mood swings, and a second parent who is addicted reinforces the traumatic responses. When the trauma accumulates, the impact of trauma is amplified. Knowing this helps you understand why it is you may have more or less resiliency than another person raised with addiction. It also explains why some people need additional resources in their recovery plan. Identifying with multiple issues is more common than not.

In addition to addressing the vulnerabilities that come with the family roles and rules, recognizing the trauma will offer a better overall understanding of the impact of addiction.

Emotional Abandonment Continuum

The most prevalent form of trauma is emotional abuse, which can take any or all of these forms:

•  Severe criticism and blaming.

•  Verbal abuse.

•  Broken promises.

•  Lying.

•  Unpredictability.

•  Rage.

•  Harsh or even cruel forms of punishment.

•  Being forced into physically dangerous situations such as being in a vehicle with an impaired driver.

Emotional trauma can be more subtle, it is also:

•  Parental indifference to a child’s needs and wants.

•  Emotional unavailability, not showing love and concern.

•  Unrealistic expectations, having expectations that are not age-appropriate due to not having the ability or skills. For example, expecting the eight-year-old to remember his or her dental appointment, expecting the ten-year-old to be responsible for the two-month old sibling, or expecting a child to do something he or she can’t physically do. I’ve heard many stories of kids being challenged to engage in an athletic event that is far beyond their ability or to do yard work that ultimately takes a team of people or mechanical equipment to be able to perform the job.

•  Your worth or value as a person is not separated out from your actions. Disapproval is aimed at your entire being, your identity rather than a particular behavior. This may involve being told that you are worthless when you have not done your homework or that you are never going to be a good athlete because you missed the final catch of the game.

•  Boundary violation or distortion. This happens when:

■  Parents do not view children as separate beings from themselves wanting the children to meet their needs.

■  Parents are not willing to take responsibility for their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors but expect the child to take responsibility for them.

■  Parents’ self-esteem is derived totally through their child’s behavior.

■  Children are treated as peers with no parent-child distinction.

■  Parents expect children to fulfill their dreams.

■  Parents objectify children as possessions or belongings versus as their own human entity with rights and desires.

When parents are disrespectful and violate a child’s boundaries, the message given is that they don’t value the child as a person. That message becomes internalized as “I am not of value. I am not worthy.” When parents don’t acknowledge a child’s boundaries, the message they give is “You are here to meet my needs, not me yours” and/or “I am more important than you” and/or “It is not okay to be your own person with individual feelings, desires, or needs.” The message also implies that the children have to give up themselves to be available to another person. This results in the internalized belief “I am bad for having different or separate needs, wants, and feelings.”

You can identify abandonment as occurring when you realize that you have to hide a part of yourself in order to be accepted or to avoid rejection. Those parts you learn to hide are:

•  Mistakes. To make a mistake or to be less than perfect draws punitive responses.

•  Feelings. Being told the way you feel is not true or okay. “You have nothing to cry about and if you don’t stop crying I will really give you something to cry about.” “That really didn’t hurt.” “You have nothing to be angry about.” This is not about the occasional time a parent becomes frustrated with a child and makes such a comment but an ongoing pattern of parenting.

•  Needs. Everyone else’s needs appear to be more important than yours; and the only way you get attention is by attending to the needs of others.

•  Successes. Accomplishments are not acknowledged, are many times discounted, or even used as ammunition to shame a child.

Sometimes it seems as if I was abandoned emotionally. Other times it feels as if I was never claimed in the first place.

Physical Abandonment Continuum

I didn’t question all of the drinking because I had to spend so much time responding to the abuse.

Physical abandonment includes physical and sexual abuse, as well as neglect. While most children of addiction will experience emotional abandonment, some will experience the combination of both emotional and physical abandonment.

Because people who have been raised in abusive families have a high tolerance for inappropriate behavior and violence, it is often helpful to describe abusive behavior.

When we think of physical abuse, we often picture a badly beaten, chronically black-and-blue child. In reality, battering may be much more subtle and infrequent, with barely visible results. Battering can occur in the form of pushing and shoving, grabbing, pinching, or choking. It may be slapping, hitting, kicking, punching, or slamming a person against the wall, to the floor, against the car.

Yet, in many addictive homes, only terror exists; no bruises attesting to violence are evident. Children and partners frequently experience intensely frightening and physically dangerous situations. When Dad, in a drunken siege, takes the family for a sixty-miles-per-hour car ride down a mountain road at night with the headlights turned off, the effect is just as traumatic as any physical violence, yet it leaves no physical scars.

Michael describes his mother’s rages, “I can still see my mom throwing dishes, and I can hear her yelling at us kids things we should never have heard.”

We never knew when he would blow up, or for what, and who would be the target of his anger. He would suddenly threaten one of us for no reason at all. His favorite saying was, “This is my house, and I’ll do what I want.”

We never really knew what provoked them. They were quick to raise their voices or hit us. Mom would pick a fight with me out of nowhere and hit me. We could be doing something that we had done lots of times without them ever saying anything and then the next time we’d do it, they’d notice and we’d get hit for it. If you didn’t do the dishes right, you could get hit. It never made sense.

The trauma is in the witnessing of abuse directed toward others in the family that is often more damaging than receiving the abuse itself.

I would be terrified. The voices were loud, and sometimes my stepmother would throw things. I pretended I heard nothing. I would be terrified that something awful would happen. Sometimes the police would come, sometimes the neighbors.

My father would always beat my mother when he was drunk. Then he got so he beat my brother. I hated it. Then I got so I tried to interfere and be a referee to prevent the arguing that would lead to the violence. But one night he threw me onto a chair, told me to shut up or I’d get the bottle right across my face. I tried to speak up but quickly shut up. He would have done it. After that, I could only watch. I hated him, but even more I hated me for my powerlessness and fear.

What actually goes on in the day-to-day existence of a child who lives in the shadow of physical violence is often beyond the imagination of those who have never had such an experience.

When Dad drank, someone got beat. We hated to see him get started, but the quarreling was awful loud. My mom was hurt a lot. How did he get started on me? Simple. I defended my mom and if he wanted to know who did something, rather than see my younger brother or sisters get it, I did it! No matter what it was. He usually used a Marine belt on us. I still look out for my brother and sisters and my mom; I wouldn’t lift a finger to help my dad. I refused to go to his funeral or send flowers. I am the same with my own kids, take care of them, protect them from my ex-husband, who somehow has managed to develop a dependency on prescription drugs, always has a beer in his hand, and likes to hit.

Andrea has a similar story: “My mother taught me that at all costs I should never do anything to make my father angry. I lived in constant fear of his awful silence that could at the most unexpected moment turn into a red-faced rage. I have a mental picture of myself in a crouch, like a dog that looks pleadingly, hoping not to be beaten up, but expecting it, hoping to please the master but knowing it will never happen. The master will not—cannot—be pleased.”

When caretakers don’t provide safety in our environment, we grow up believing that the world is an unsafe place, that people are not to be trusted, and that we do not deserve positive attention and adequate care. This way of life becomes a legacy that we accept, not knowing how to make it different.

Similarities of the Abuser and the Addict

While addiction and battering are not always related, it is helpful to examine similarities in the dynamics of both. When they coexist and interact, the dynamics are multiplied.

Both the batterer and the addict:

•  Minimize and deny their abusive behaviors.

•  Discount their acts and minimize the severity of their drunkenness or battering.

•  Blame others; neither will accept the responsibility for their behavior.

•  Exhibit Jekyll-and-Hyde personality changes. Children may experience an overly nice, caring parent who after taking a few drinks becomes a raging lion. In this case, the batterer simply erupts like a volcano for what appears to be no apparent reason.

•  Rationalize their behavior and, invariably, there is (in their own rationale) a good reason (excuse) for the drinking or for the violent behavior. Episodic violence and drinking occur more and more frequently as these unhealthy lifestyles progress. Inevitably, for the addicted and the batterer, the using and the violence begin to cause more trauma and more problems in almost all areas of family and personal life.

•  Increasingly feel more guilt and remorse.

•  Make promises and create false hopes.

•  Continue this cycle indefinitely unless they seek help.

Partners and children:

•  Minimize the impact of the drinking and/or using and violence in the family. This is the family’s denial process. The dysfunctional family rules of Don’t Feel, Don’t Trust, and Don’t Talk permeate the family. Addiction, when coupled with violence, doubles the need for denial and creates an even greater sense of helplessness in the lives of family members. When children don’t show obvious signs of being emotionally affected by violence, it is important to recognize that it is probably due to denial. Children in battered families develop an almost identical denial process as the children in addictive homes. When addiction and battering coexist, they practice denial to a greater extent.

•  Accept the blame because they believe that had they been better in their roles (a better wife or a better child) the batterer/addict would have no reason to get so upset, fly into rages, and drink or use.

Children are naturally vulnerable. They have no frame of reference from which they can make judgments and tend to believe anything they are told. Their own sense of confusion makes them quick to accept blame for any given situation. They feel powerless in dealing with grown-ups, see themselves as not having the available resources, and unable to protect themselves.

Role patterns in the violent home are often similar to those seen in addictive homes, only with an even greater intensity when both problems coexist. There is one significant difference between homes plagued with addiction and those with violence. Addiction usually manages to reveal itself to others outside the home, whereas family violence is much more hidden from those not living in the home. The goal of family members in attempting to live through these problems is the same—minimize the conflict, adjust, placate, act out, drop out—do anything just to survive.

Sexual Abuse Continuum

I am apprehensive talking about this problem because I am afraid others might find out. I was seven when my dad began to touch me and make me touch and kiss him. He did a lot of things to me. It hurt. He used to threaten me that he would do the same thing to my younger sisters if I told. I didn’t know what to do when I was eighteen so I stayed home another year. He died in a drinking-and-driving accident. Then I left home, never telling anyone. Years later I found out he had been molesting my sisters all of that time, too. I am only now beginning to accept my past and present family situations. I withdraw from people when afraid because I think they might hurt me. I don’t visit my mother or sisters. I feel guilty for never going home. I’ve always felt guilty.

Child sexual abuse is a form of child abuse that includes sexual activity with a minor. It does not need to include physical contact between a perpetrator and a child. Types of child sexual abuse include:

•  Fondling.

•  Intercourse.

•  Sex of any kind with a minor, including vaginal, oral, or anal.

•  Masturbation in the presence of a minor or forcing the minor to masturbate.

•  Sexually explicit phone calls, text messages, other digital screen interactions.

•  Creating, owning, or sharing pornographic images or movies of children.

•  Sex trafficking.

•  Exhibitionism or exposing oneself to a minor.

•  Any other sexual conduct that is harmful to a child’s mental, emotional, or physical welfare.

Sexual abuse is inappropriate sexual behavior, usually perpetrated by an adult with a minor child—male or female—and brought about by coercion, deception, or psychological manipulation.

While research concerning sexual abuse and its relationship to addictive disorders continues to be limited, both physical and sexual abuse are three times more likely to be perpetrated by a parent with a substance use disorder. That does not take into account the nonaddicted person in a parental role, siblings, or other extended family members who could be the perpetrator. About two thirds of incest perpetrators report using alcohol directly before the offending incident. Should both parents be addicted to substances, the likelihood of both parents being perpetrators is more common, and while both females and males could be abused, the likelihood of males being abused increases when parents are addicted. Due to the possibility of greater neglect when both parents are addicted, the likelihood of sexual abuse by people outside of the family also increases.

Perpetrators seldom commit childhood sexual abuse to solely satisfy their own sexual needs. It is an act of violence and selfishness, and it is a violation of a position of trust, power, and protection—and it thrives in silence. Abusers use power, age, experience, and position to persuade, coerce, bribe, and threaten their victims into doing things they are not old enough or emotionally mature enough to cope with or defend against. The perpetrator takes advantage of the child’s emotional, social, or financial dependence on him or her. If the person who becomes sexual with the child is even just a few years older than the child or holds a position of power or authority, it is molestation; if the person is related to the child it is incest. Both constitute sexual abuse.

Even if the victim doesn’t try to stop it, the child is not responsible for the sexual abuse. Remember, a child who is the victim of sexual abuse usually has no place to escape to and is too frightened to tell. Children are too young and immature to make the kinds of decisions that are involved in this type of sexual behavior. It is the responsibility and the fault of the older, more powerful person.

Silence Is Survival

Children don’t talk about the sexual abuse for many of the same reasons they don’t talk about the addiction.

So many times, the onset is very gradual and children may not even recognize what is happening until the behavior has been repeated for some time. By then, children are scared and ashamed.

Not trusting your own feelings is experienced at an early age in an addictive family. Knowing feelings helps you to know your needs, to be able to speak up. Feelings are cues and signals. So when they are not trusted, a child will be more immobilized.

If the child challenges the appropriateness of the perpetrator’s behavior he or she is manipulated into feeling guilty for questioning the molester’s actions or may possibly be threatened. The child begins to believe his or her perceptions are faulty so he or she will succumb to the demands. The youngster then becomes intimidated and readily assumes the guilt and responsibility.

I didn’t tell anybody about it. I was about eight when it started. I had a vague idea it was something bad, but I didn’t know what sex was. I only knew the way he acted was something I didn’t want to be part of. I would try to avoid getting into those situations. I would come home from school late hoping Mom would get home first. I made up excuses not to go places alone with him. But, once it began, I just sort of passively sat there. I wouldn’t talk to him, and when he let me go, I would get out of there as quickly as possible. I never told anyone what he was doing. Oftentimes, when he came into my bedroom, I thought if I pretended I was asleep he would go away, and I really didn’t want to acknowledge that it was happening.

In addition, children fear they will not be believed if they tell. That could well be true, for this is already a family where telling the truth is not supported. People in the addictive family are busy rationalizing and minimizing hurtful, neglectful, or inappropriate behavior. People are not held accountable for their behavior and blaming is more common. But as another survivor said, “She wouldn’t have done anything about it anyway. That might have hurt more, and that would kill me.”

It is not uncommon to hear of a sexual abuse survivor who has told a parent and that parent reacts punitively, as if the child is putting one more burden on the parent to handle. It is easier to blame a child and accuse him or her of looking for attention and lying than to face something that seems so overwhelming and shameful. Unfortunately, the dynamics of the family are often such that the needs of the adult supersede the needs of the child. There is often immaturity of a parent that doesn’t allow him or her to listen, prioritize the needs of, or protect his or her child.

Another adult child revealed, “I do remember being really scared, like I shouldn’t be doing this—but he was my father. You listen to your father. I did it because he wanted me to do it; it was expected of me. You don’t argue in my family. No one has rights in my family until you are out of the house and self-supporting.”

Victims are often afraid the family will break up if they don’t go along with what the perpetrator wants. The addictive family is already on such shaky ground that children are terrified of losing the little stability they still have. They feel that if the family were to break up they would be responsible for it.

If this weren’t enough, the perpetrator often threatens to hurt or even kill the victim, another family member, or a pet if the child tells about the abuse. These are children who already feel false guilt for the conflict or unspoken pain in the family. This is just one more threatening consequence of asking for help or telling the truth.

It is also common for victims to become confused about the abuse when they were not physically forced to comply. Perpetrators often play on trust to coerce their victim into meeting their demands. It is well known that abusers often choose children starving for attention, warmth, and affection. Children from troubled families are prime victims because they are particularly desperate for any sign of attention and affection. Kaylie described her stepfather as the only father she knew. Her biological father had no contact with the family. Her stepfather was the primary parent in the family. He frequently fixed the dinner and helped the children with their homework, while her mother was often at school, out with friends, or simply not wanting to do those things at home. So when he began to give her long hugs and then back rubs, it seemed to be just another way of his attending to her. When he ultimately wanted her to touch him sexually, she said she was not scared, it was just being nice to him for being so good to her.

When Dan’s molestation began at the age of ten, he said he also liked the attention he was getting from the man who was the offender. He said his friend’s father took him to ball games and gave him money. He also reported that the molestation not only didn’t hurt, but it physically felt good. At home he didn’t know when his dad would be raging next. His father never affectionately touched him or said anything nice to him so he gravitated to the father figure who showed him attention.

Sexual abuse is an insidious type of violence that often does not require physical force. However, that does not mean the victim wanted it to happen. Kaylie and Dan wanted affection and attention. That is understandable. And perpetrators prey on such children to manipulate and seduce. Survivors of sexual abuse are also confused if the experience has any physical pleasure associated with it. Having physical pleasure is a biological response, and it in no way implies being complicit. Some boys will have an erection or ejaculate during an assault, which they find confusing. Again, that is a physiological response and does not imply the child wanted or invited the assault. Should the abuse be coupled with any other gains, such as Dan’s experience of getting attention from a man who appeared to like him versus a father who raged at him, it makes it less likely he would recognize this as abusive. He would be less likely to say stop, less likely to let another responsible adult know. But remember you were the child, they are the adult. They know what they are doing is wrong and hurtful. Neither Kaylie nor Dan realized they were being taken advantage of; they did not initially realize they were being victimized.

Coupled with the manipulations of the perpetrator, children from addictive families are less able to defend themselves by reaching out and letting others know what is happening.

Because of the dynamics of growing up with addiction they:

•  Have greater difficulty identifying their feelings.

•  Have a greater fear in trusting their perceptions and trusting others.

•  Are more confused about what constitutes appropriate boundaries.

•  Have an existing base of shame as a result of living with the dynamics of addiction. Shame upon shame fuels powerlessness making it more difficult to reach out for help.

•  Have a wall of denial about what is occurring in their life.

•  The powerlessness experienced over their body is compounded by the powerlessness felt within the family.

•  Have learned there is no safe place.

•  Feel locked in because there is no way to confront the offender or be believed and protected. To confront implies shame, guilt, denial, abandonment and, possibly, physical violence.

Nativity

Red hood drapes his black robe’s back candles subdue the sanctuary, Noel Noel, we sing.

At midnight he stands before us rolling down the words “There was no room at the inn.” Raising his arms, they fold down then close. Fruitcake, poinsettias, fudge fill our parsonage, cookies, cards, and packages for the minister and his family.

His daughter’s presents are not wrapped. Red tissue paper rustles, their shadows argue against the wall his voice commanding, “Hurry up.” He’s naked swilling clear vodka.

Sobbing she cries, “You’ll wake her.”

Silent night Holy night All is calm All is bright.

I will stay here in this closet until morning when they call me to open my presents all the tags in her handwriting.

Joan

Covert Sexual Abuse

Adults who abuse alcohol and other drugs are not going to be proper role models for children, particularly during the time when healthy attitudes regarding sexuality need to be learned. Drug-affected and impaired parents often speak crudely or tease children inappropriately with sexual innuendoes. In some homes, children are forced to deal with the drunken nudity of a parent and/or parents and who make no attempt at maintaining discreet sex lives. The children very often face these problems alone, in silence, confused, and feeling needless shame. This is covert sexual abuse, often referred to as emotional sexual abuse. It may also involve an adult telling details about his or her sex life to a child, flirting, or being jealous of his or her son or daughter having a romantic relationship. Covert abuse occurs when daughters are treated like wives or girlfriends and sons are treated like husbands or boyfriends. It includes inappropriate touching that appears to be accidental, a parent’s habit of walking into the bathroom while a child or teenager is showering, or seductive comments about a child’s developing body.

Lisa discussed her adolescent fears of believing she would be sexually violated. She was so sure of the possibility she had begun to take a knife to her bedroom to defend and protect herself from an anticipated attack.

She described her confusion as a result of the increasing change in behavior evidenced by her father. He changed from a caring, fun-loving father to a blaming, harsh, verbally abusive, drunken stranger. Lisa became more fearful of her father’s actions when, along with his alcohol-induced behavior, he began talking about how girls who were sexual were bad. Then he would become graphic in his descriptions of women being sexual, and began accusing his daughters and his wife of sexually acting out. He demonstrated growing hostility toward Lisa and her sister’s boyfriends. Eventually, he began visiting Lisa’s room late at night to accuse her of sexual activity with boys. She knew her father was becoming sexually preoccupied with her, and her fear of possible sexual abuse by him coupled with the love she had felt for her dad led to a great sense of confusion and shame about her own sexuality. For three years, she took a knife to bed, hid it under a pillow, and took herself through a visualization where she let go of any positive feelings for her father and told herself she would kill him if he touched her. He never touched her. But she would carry the emotional scars of the terror and shame as well as the skill of dissociating from her feelings into her adult life.

Any abuse, from the covert to the most blatant, can wound a person’s sense of self and sexuality. The damage includes feeling powerless, quickly succumbing to victimization, fear of being assertive, reluctance to trust, inability to stay mentally present during sex, fear of sex, shame about one’s body, and fear of intimacy.

Assumptions

While childhood abuses often exist within addictive families, that does not mean one causes the other. Therefore, if the perpetrator is the addict, one cannot assume that should he or she stop using or drinking he or she will stop the abuse. Also, when the abusers are the addicted parent(s), abuse doesn’t necessarily occur when they are drinking or using. In fact, some children report that the parent is more dangerous when not using or drinking. It also cannot be assumed that the addicted parent is the perpetrator of the abuse. The abusing parent may very well be the nonaddicted parent or another family member. When this is true, the addicted parent is so caught up in his or her disease that he or she is often oblivious to what is happening in a child’s life or just too impaired to intervene.

While Dad’s drinking increased, Mom became more erratic. She was playful and fun one moment and full of rage the next. She would pick up anything (whip, vacuum cleaner hose, spoon) and hit and hit and hit, and would never apologize. Even when we were bleeding, somehow it was still our fault.

People often think of the perpetrators being the adults in a family; however, siblings may be the offenders. Brothers and sisters may terrorize each other, acting out their own frustrations, trying to find something to control and dominate in reaction to their helplessness, their anger, and their shame. They also often model what they see by adults. Lack of healthy supervision creates an environment of less protection. While not always, it is most likely the older children (regardless of gender) who become the abusers of the younger children in the home. The predominant model they have for their painful feelings is to attack someone less powerful.

Both sexual and physical abuse is an overwhelming, damaging, and humiliating assault on a child’s mind, soul, and body.

Neglect

My parents didn’t have to beat us; the neglect did it for them.

Neglect is another form of physical abandonment. It is when the physical conditions necessary for thriving do not exist. It is demonstrated with inadequate supervision, such as leaving young children in the care of other children nearly as young as them or leaving children with no supervision at all. Neglect is also inadequate physical care, such as not providing meals or proper clothing and shelter. Children describe never knowing when dinner is. “It could be anywhere from 6:00 p.m. to midnight. It would range from take-out food to hot dogs or ice cream.”

Food was on a first-come, first-served basis. That meant I often went hungry because there was never enough food for us. We would grab from the stove and take it anywhere in the house. If our parents were really angry with us or really drunk, we didn’t eat at all.

Children often have clothes that are too small or inadequate for the weather, such as thin coats or simply sweaters to withstand rain and snow. Neglect is also inadequate medical attention. Marti described, “My mother’s way of coping was to ignore everything, thinking it would go away. She did this with both my diabetes and my father’s violent rages.”

The neglect may be so pervasive that children learn to not question or challenge it. For adult children, it is often only as they hear others talk and receive feedback that they begin to realize the extent of deprivation in their lives.

The neglect was okay, at least then they weren’t deliberately hurting you.

With abuse of opiates, neglect is even more rampant. Greater number of children are living in poverty, don’t have food, are not going to school, and are subject to dangers of drug paraphernalia laying around, and more likely to be the witness to overdoses and suicides. Children are frequently left to take care of each other. Parents are gone or simply too impaired to take responsibility for providing for their children.

We were left a lot with our older sister, but then she would leave too. We were mostly just three kids left alone. We tried not to be scared.

We never had the basics. We never had enough underwear or socks. We never had slippers. There was a major sense of being without. No one told us how to keep clean or how often. No one told us what to wear. One time the school called to have my sister picked up and taken home to have a bath. We kids tried so hard. We did our own laundry. We fixed our own food. We tried to keep things orderly, but we had no space that was our own.

Shame

Traumatic stress results in the child internalizing the belief that no matter what he or she does it won’t make a difference anyway, or no matter what the child does, it’s not good enough. Ultimately, that becomes translated into the child believing he or she is not good enough. That is the experience of shame.

What are you supposed to think about yourself when the only thing you were ever called growing up was stupid? Oh, if I didn’t get called stupid, I had a middle name, which was worthless.

There are many words used that are descriptive of shame. The more common words are when one thinks of him- or herself as stupid, bad, dirty, damaged, defective, broken, a failure, or worthless.

Picture a wide-mouth funnel. As you are subjected to confusing and painful experiences, you begin to take on the message that you are not okay, not of value. The open end of the funnel is taking in a host of painful feelings and negative messages. As the shame-based beliefs take hold, the wide funnel becomes increasingly narrow. With a greater attachment to the shame beliefs, the more disconnected you become from your feelings. In recovery, as you challenge and let go of shame-based beliefs and develop a healthier belief system, the narrow part starts to open up more widely and the ability to feel will resume. In time, you come to embrace feelings as friends not foes, cues to be listened to and valued.

In your growing-up years shame is regenerated over and over through traumatic stress conditions. Shame is one of the most common and pernicious responses to trauma and is carried long after the traumatic events have occurred. It fuels every one of the pain responses discussed in the next chapter.