“Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace.”
• With miscarriage, especially losses in the early weeks of pregnancy, finding the right words to describe your loss can be hard.
• Do you say that you lost a pregnancy? Do you say that your baby died? Do you simply say that you miscarried?
• Many families affected by miscarriage are hurt when they hear doctors use terms like “spontaneous abortion,” “products of conception,” and “fetal demise.” While these words may be medically accurate, they are not compassionate nor do they capture families’ profound feelings of love and loss. What’s more, the word “miscarriage” may seem to lay blame on the mother for not carrying her child well enough. I actually think that our very lexicon of pregnancy loss needs an overhaul.
• Empower yourself by using the words that best capture your unique thoughts and feelings about your loss. If it feels right to you to use the word “baby,” then by all means, do so—regardless of how far along you were in your pregnancy.
• Similarly, work to find words to describe your emotions. When someone asks, “How are you?”, perhaps you can honestly say, “I’ve been feeling really (sad, angry, lonely, lost, or heartbroken).” Or, “This week was really hard for me because…” Saying “I’m fine” or “I’m doing OK” if you’re not doesn’t serve you or the listener very well.
• Also consider naming the baby you lost. We name people because they are unique, once-in-forever individuals. If you feel this way about the baby who was miscarried, then by all means pick a name so that you have a way to talk about him or her as time passes. Gender-neutral names such as Jessie or Riley might be appropriate, or you could choose a simple term of endearment such as “pumpkin” or “sweet pea.”
CARPE DIEM
Talk to your partner or a close friend or family member about the language you want to use (and just as important, don’t want to use) in talking about your loss.