“Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings instead of your own.”
• In the aftermath of pregnancy loss, it’s common to feel envious of other women who are pregnant or have healthy babies. “Why them and not me?” you might understandably wonder. “It’s not fair!” You’re right. It’s not fair.
• Women who are pregnant or who’ve just delivered babies are cared for by the same doctors and nurses who care for women who’ve miscarried. You will be on the same hospital floor or in the same waiting rooms. This may seem cruel to you now.
• Try to remember that envy, like all other emotions, is not right or wrong. It just is. Like its close cousin, anger, envy is what I call a protest emotion—an emotion that protests a reality you don’t want to be true. Underneath protest emotions are fear and sadness.
• The next time you feel pregnancy or baby envy, try expressing it. Tell your partner or a close friend. Write about it in your journal. Share in an online forum.
• Or, reach out—kindly—to the woman or family you feel envious of. Say congratulations. If the circumstances are right, tell her about your loss. She just might have stories of her own to share. Connecting and communicating are healing actions.
CARPE DIEM
Make an action plan for what you will do the next time you feel envious. How can you use the feeling as a positive catalyst for healing?