PART 3: The Holidays
The following sequence of scenes builds in speed until it is faster than real time.
1. Birthday
Mary and Crick sing to the baby:
| MARY | CRICK |
| Happy birthday to you, | Happy birthday to you, |
| Happy birthday to you, | Happy birthday to you, |
| Happy birthday dear Blue | Happy birthday dear Jill |
| Happy birthday to you. | Happy birthday to you. |
2. St. Patrick’s Day
CRICK
I brought home shamrock shakes from McDonalds’s. For St. Patrick’s Day.
MARY
Wow. They’re green.
3. Birthday
MARY
Happy birthday, Crick.
CRICK
Happy birthday, Mary.
MARY
On the same day—
CRICK
Of the same month—
MARY
Of the same year—
CRICK
Your mother—
MARY
And your mother—
CRICK
Holding us—
MARY
At the same time.
CRICK AND MARY
Happy birthday.
4. Valentine’s Day
CRICK
Happy Valentine’s Day, honey.
MARY
Should we go to church?
CRICK
For Valentine’s Day?
MARY
Isn’t he a saint?
CRICK
Yeah.
MARY
We never go to church. Why don’t we go to church?
CRICK
We’re not religious.
MARY
Oh.Yeah.
5. Christmas
MARY
Christmas is early this year.
CRICK
Christmas is always the same day.
MARY
Isn’t there a holiday that comes early? Depending on the month, or the Leap Year, or the moon?
CRICK
I don’t know what you’re thinking of.
Mary looks out the window.
MARY
It’s snowing.
CRICK
I’m dreaming of a White Christmas,
Just like the ones I used to know . . .
May your days be merry and bright!
MARY AND CRICK
And may all your Christmases be white . . .
MARY
I hope the firecrackers don’t scare the baby.
6. Groundhog Day
CRICK
Happy Groundhog Day, Mary.
MARY
No shadow.
7. Halloween
Mary, looking out the window.
MARY
The trick-or-treaters never come to our house. I wish more children lived on this street.
CRICK
We could have another.
8. Fourth of July
Crick lights Mary’s sparkler with his sparkler.
They wave their sparklers.
9. Anniversary
CRICK
Happy anniversary, Mary.
MARY
Merry birthday, Crick.
Merry or happy?
CRICK
Happy.
MARY
Merry or happy?
CRICK
Happy.
MARY
Have a—
Have a—holiday.
CRICK
Happy—
MARY
What?
CRICK
Happy.
MARY
What?
Have a—
From the television: the sound of the ball dropping in Time’s Square and the noisy crowd.
The volume is up high.
Crick shouts along with the television:
CRICK AND CROWD
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six . . .
Shouting over the television:
MARY
NewYear’s is early this year.
CRICK
NewYear’s is always the same day.
Crick blows a noise-maker.
MARY
Can we turn it down?
CRICK AND CROWD FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
A collision of holiday sounds: horns, wedding bands, ho ho ho’s, the sound of an Easter bunny, the sound of a groundhog, the sound of prayers.
10. Day After New Year’s
Mary alone.
She throws out streamers, party hats
and three boxes of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
MARY
(To herself) I’m sick of holidays.
(To God) I’m sick of holidays!
(To the world) I’M SICK OF
FUCKING HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!
She sits down, surprised at herself. She breathes.
