Xane didn’t remember much of the journey to Mariefred, or understand how it was that an ambulance was waiting on the docks. He only recalled being cold and holding on to Elspeth as if the world would splinter around him if he let her slip away. It was only some time later that he managed to piece the clues together to recreate the chain of events: Rock Giant and Spook helping to carry her down to the boat, Spook phoning ahead, so that all he had to do was move when told to do so and, eventually, let go when told to do so too.
‘Here, one of the nurses gave me these for you to change into.’ Spook said, entering the family room carrying a set of cotton scrubs. ‘You need to get changed and warm up before you end up being admitted for hypothermia.’
‘I’m not cold,’ he said, failing to recognise that the irritating chatter in his head was the sound of his teeth knocking together.
‘Xane, you’re soaking wet and you’re shaking. Strip.’
His brain seemed to respond instinctively to the simple instructions. On autopilot he peeled off the clinging wet layers, leaving them in a soggy heap on the floor. Spook gathered them up and stuffed them into the contaminated waste receptacle, while Xane towelled himself off.
The scrubs were thin and way too short in the leg. To begin with, he managed to put the top on back to front.
‘I’d offer to get you a warm drink, but I suspect Paul will scream at me that it’s the wrong thing to do when you’re potentially in shock.’
Was that what this was? He couldn’t keep still. He needed to pace, but the buzzing sensation in his head made him feel woozy.
‘Sit down, Xane, or I will fetch someone in here to check you over. It’s not your fault.’
It was though. He was the one who’d insisted on her removal. He was the one who ought to have listened to Rock Giant when he’d said that Elspeth was crying out for help. Hell, he should have listened to her. She’d tried several times to talk to him during the tour.
‘She didn’t do this because of anything you said or did.’
It seemed to him that the opposite was true. That his actions, not only today, but over the months and years right back to the point when he decided to sleep with her, had led them directly to this moment. All that had happened, every bit of it, had occurred because of the decisions he’d made and actions he’d taken.
‘I screwed everything up, Spook.’
His friend forced him to look at him. ‘No, you didn’t. You’ve made shit decisions and you’ve made good ones, the same as everyone else involved, the same as every human being on the planet does all the time. Xane – Elspeth is not your responsibility. Rid yourself of any idea that she is, right now. There are only three people you need to worry about: yourself, Dani and Luthor. Fix what’s broken there. Smooth off the rough edges and you’ve got yourself the perfect winning combination to keep you sane and happy for the rest of your life. That’s your priority. Not Elspeth. Not the band. Not anything else. Do you understand?’
‘I don’t know how to make it work.’ He tugged at the front of his long hair in frustration.
‘Maybe you don’t need to do anything to fix it besides give it time. The chemistry is already there. All you need to do is wait for the right conditions to exist instead of trying to engineer them.’
Elspeth was propped up in bed, semi-upright, when Xane slipped into the private room she’d been given. They’d waited for hours for news of how she was doing. Rock Giant had sat with her most of the night. The staff would only let one of them at a time into the room. He was surprised to find her eyes were open. There was a whole bank of monitors around her and a drip was still feeding saline into a vein. He shuffled over to the bed slowly, not sure what to say. ‘Are you OK?’ seemed redundant. Clearly she wasn’t, or he wouldn’t have had to fish her out of a vat of her own blood a few hours ago. ‘How are you feeling?’ and ‘I just came to check in on you and say goodbye’ both seemed in equally poor taste.
‘I never got the chance to give you your birthday gift.’ Her voice was barely a whisper, and so dry that it crackled in her throat. ‘Come close, Xane. I know it was you who …’ She blinked and swallowed hard, clearly unable to find a pathway through those particular events and emotions. ‘Paul told me.’
Xane crossed to her, even though his stomach felt like lead. She still looked corpse-like, her skin virtually translucent. She’d been barely a hair’s breadth away from death when they’d finally reached the accident unit.
‘Give me your hand.’
Xane warred with his own flight response, as her fingers first curled around his fore-arm, then worked open his hand.
‘Here,’ she murmured, placing something the size of a headache pill in the centre of his palm. She’d closed his fingers over the top of it before Xane had the opportunity to look. ‘He was always yours really, so it makes sense for you to have him. Also, he’d have wanted to stay with the band, and I can’t be part of it any more.’
‘Take as long as you like.’ At some point in the wee hours he’d changed his mind about forcing her out of Black Halo.
‘I will. I don’t think I’m coming back, Xane.’
‘You might do.’ He couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks. It wasn’t just about the band any more, it was about everything they’d ever shared and endured together. The journey they’d been on together had finally reached its end, and he found it wasn’t quite the relief he’d anticipated.
Elspeth tried to reach him a tissue, but the movement set off some alarm or other. ‘You’ll get along fine without me in the way. Xane, I’m sorry about what I had printed. The truth is that I wanted you to hurt. I wanted you to share my pain. I was so happy when Steve said, “I do.” We were going to have a wonderful life together, but it came crashing down so quickly.’
‘Don’t dwell on it. Try not to stress about it.’
‘I need to talk it over, to just ramble about him and all the plans we had. I need to let out all the anger I still have. A lot of which has been aimed at you.’
‘I’m angry at myself for trying to hang on for so long to something I knew could never be mine.’
She shook her head. ‘He was yours. You were brothers. He carried a bit of you around in his heart wherever he went. He’ll always be with you, Xane. Always …’ She yawned heavily.
‘I ought to let you rest.’ He leaned over and kissed her brow. ‘Try to get well.’
‘I’ll try, Xane. I will try for you.’
It was only after he’d left the room that Xane finally looked down at what she’d left in his hand. A diamond – a pale-blue brilliant-cut diamond, he realised, judging by the way the light was caught inside it. He didn’t understand why she would present him with such a thing. When his tired brain finally worked it out, the shock almost caused him to drop it.
Oh, my God! She’d handed him Steve. She’d had the ashes crushed. He was holding his lover’s remains in the palm of his hand.
Xane curled his fist tight around the gem, afraid that it might slip away from him as the man from whose essence it was made had already done. He was still standing in a daze when Spook found him and told him it was time to go home.