From atop the dome, Mila could see a smattering of snow on the peak above. Unusual for September, but not unheard of at nearly fourteen thousand feet. Some people had been known to ski down the slope, if only to brag they’d skied in the morning and sunned on the beach in the afternoon. Neither appealed to her. All the adventure she could ever want was inside the habitat.
Though Jancey had insisted she wouldn’t become the commander, she’d had no problem pulling rank at sunrise.
“Time to turn the solar panels.”
“I did it yesterday,” Mila answered sleepily.
“My wants are your wants. That’s what you said. I want you to go out and turn the solar panels.”
Cheeky. The next forty years would probably be filled with conversations like that, a realization that made her smile.
Another hour or three of sleep would have been nice, but she wouldn’t have traded a minute of their night for it. From the moment they’d become lovers two weeks ago, Jancey left all her reservations behind, and they’d made love every night.
Sleep should have come easier for Mila. Even with Jancey beside her, she still struggled to fall asleep. At Jancey’s insistence, she’d taken a sleeping pill the night before after lying awake for over an hour. A practice she’d have to accept. At least they didn’t leave a morning fog.
As she inspected the habitat, she noticed one of the Fagans walking around their dome. Brandon, she guessed, since he was considerably taller than his wife. He appeared to be looking directly at her but she had no compulsion to wave. The guy was an asshole.
She finished her walk-around and noted that Mission Control hadn’t terrorized them in over a week. No broken tiles on their dome, no stripped wires on their panels, no more trouble with their water supply. Only three solar flares in five weeks. With only four days to go, the committee apparently was content to let them limp toward the finish line.
On her second pass around the dome, she called in to Jancey. “I’m happy to report we’re in good shape.”
“Maybe they’ve forgotten we’re here,” she replied sleepily.
“I’m giving it one more look.”
There was danger in becoming complacent, especially now that their relationship was soaking up so much of their attention. She’d promised Jancey becoming lovers wouldn’t affect their work.
Returning to find Jancey still inside the sleeping chamber, she stripped off her spacesuit and stowed it. “I saw Brandon Fagan out there. If they get picked for Mars, would it be socially awkward to have a dinner party and not invite them?”
Jancey emerged already dressed in her flight suit. “Not for me. I never understood what Libby saw in him. He always rubbed me the wrong way. All the women at NASA had a special connection. We weren’t part of the old boys’ club, but that was cool. We had our own club. I remember one night in Houston…a bunch of us went out for a beer. Brandon Fagan showed up at the door and made a big deal about looking at his watch, like he was pissed off at her being late. Couldn’t even be bothered to come over to our table and act like a human being. Libby just got up and followed him out. Left her dinner, stuck us with the bill. It was like she didn’t have his permission to be there. Weird.”
“Creepy is more like it. If she were my friend, I’d have to kick his ass.”
“Same here. We weren’t great friends in those days, but there was a connection. Like a sisterhood.”
Mila liked the idea of NASA’s female astronauts hanging out together at a bar. It was that special brand of camaraderie she’d longed for all her life—brilliant, accomplished women who loved adventure the way she did. “It’s amazing to me to think of so many women together at NASA. I would have given anything to be part of that.”
“It took a long time for us to get there. We didn’t have the right stuff, if you know what I mean.”
Mila cupped her crotch. “This kind of stuff.”
“Exactly. The Russians saw fit to put Valentina Tereshkova in space twenty years before Sally Ride. Seven Mercury astronauts, sixteen Gemini and twenty-four Apollo. All men. But once the shuttle missions opened the ranks to women, our odds were actually better than the men’s because there weren’t as many women competing for the slots.”
Jancey mixed a vanilla protein shake and poured it into Mila’s cup. Then she repeated the process for herself.
“I thought my chances would be better with the ESA,” Mila said. “Except they don’t choose that many women. Thousands of applications and they pick maybe one. Claudie Haigneré is the only European woman who’s ever flown.”
“All the more reason Tenacity should choose us.” Jancey tapped her cup to Mila’s in a toast and downed her drink in several gulps. “Four more days, Todorov.”
“Forty more years, Major Beaumont.”
“I’ll be a very old woman by then.”
Since they’d become lovers, Jancey was quick to smile, easy with the flirtations. Deeply confident.
“I promise I’ll still find you fascinating.”
Their suggestive gaze was broken by a high-pitched signal from their comm.
“I was just thinking not ten minutes ago that it’s been a long time since Mission Control messed with us. What do they want?”
Jancey spun around to study their tablet. “They aren’t kidding around this time. It’s a big one. Super X-class.”
The largest class of solar flare ever recorded. A coronal mass ejection directed toward Earth could potentially—
“CME coming our way. Blackout in three minutes.”
They went into motion instantly packing as many supplies as they could fit into their chamber. Food, water, clean clothing. The dreaded diapers, which they’d managed to avoid so far. An X-class solar flare could last a couple of days—or longer—and wipe out electrical grids on Earth, causing weeks or even months of chaos.
Mila took one last look around the habitat as the seconds ticked off, and then crawled into the chamber opposite Jancey, who had taken up her usual position, back against the wall with her legs stretched out in front. “How long do you think they’ll hold us here?”
Jancey shrugged. “My guess is four days, all the way to the end of the analog. Maybe even longer if they want to twist the knife. We can’t go anywhere without the all clear, so if they play this like the CME knocked out their grid, we’re down for who knows how long.”
Their abundant food supply was encouraging. Plenty of precooked, vacuum-packed casseroles, vegetables and desserts, all of which they’d have to eat at room temperature because they couldn’t use their power packs to warm them. The biggest challenge would be stretching their water supply—ten liters apiece—should they be confined longer to their chamber.
“This is the real test,” Jancey said. “It’s not about survival or self-sufficiency. It’s about how we get along with each other when there’s literally nothing to do for days on end. They’ve got us totally isolated from social stimuli. No books, no challenges, no work to keep us busy. This is how they think we’ll crack.”
Mila chuckled as she tapped her foot against Jancey’s. “Little do they know that alone with you is exactly where I want to be.”
Jancey shook her head. “Don’t give me that look. Despite anything I might have uttered recently in a moment of delirium, I can’t possibly do that for four straight days. Besides, this is supposed to simulate being aboard Tenacity in the radiation chamber. Weightless sex can be awfully frustrating, to say the least.”
“Is that a confession I hear?”
“I’m not admitting anything, but it’s a fact that blood behaves differently in zero gravity. Plus there’s lots of sweat and not much friction.”
“It doesn’t matter. There’s a lot more to making love than orgasms.”
Jancey tipped her head to one side. Skepticism. “Convince me.”
“Okay.” Mila leaned forward with her elbows on her knees, leering as she took in every inch of Jancey. “I’m making love to you right now.”
“Sorry. Not feeling it.”
“But you will once you realize you love me. Just being together will be enough. You’ll look at me and feel everything there is between us. All the emotions, all the physical memories. You’ll think of our future together. Things you want from me, ways you can bring me pleasure.”
“I will, huh?” Amused. “What makes you so sure I’m going to love you? I do lust very well. Love…not so much.”
“I don’t believe you.” It was Mila’s turn to laugh as Jancey gave her an incredulous look. “When I fell asleep last night, you were holding me…brushing my hair with your fingers, kissing my ear. That’s not lust. You’ve already begun to love me.”
“I was trying to help you fall asleep. You were keeping me awake.”
“I think you like touching me that way, and it has nothing to do with sex. It makes you feel good. It’s what we do when we love someone. Am I right?”
Jancey glared at her through narrowed eyes, an obviously exaggerated scowl. She wasn’t the sort to let anyone call her a softie.
“You can deny it all you want, Jancey, but I won’t believe you. You think you have control over your feelings. I’ve got news for you. You don’t. Not when it comes to me.”
“You’re awfully sure of yourself, Todorov. In fact, I’d say you were cocky.”
The use of her surname was a defense mechanism. Jancey did that when she needed to assert herself, to regain a sense of authority and self-control. It was almost an endearment.
“I’m not cocky. But I know you’re starting to fall in love with me. I should think that’s a good thing. We’re bound together for life, you and me. Day in and day out forever, hundreds of millions of miles from everyone else.”
She scooted across the chamber and took Jancey’s hand. As usual, it was warm, even a bit damp from perspiration. She raised it to her lips and gently kissed the knuckles before bringing the palm to her cheek.
“No use fighting it.”
“For your information, I’m not fighting it,” Jancey said, this time seriously. “What I’m fighting is you telling me how I feel. If and when the day comes when my feelings are so strong I can’t keep them to myself anymore, I want to be the one to say so. In fact, I think I’d enjoy that. But not if your reaction is to say you already knew.”
This time, there was no teasing in her voice, and Mila regretted pushing too far. “You’re right…everything you just said. I’m sorry.” She unleashed a new flurry of kisses on Jancey’s hand. “Forgive me.”
Jancey didn’t answer at all, instead freeing her hand and scooting sideways until she was out of reach.
* * *
There was something far more irritating than a cocky Mila—a brooding Mila. For the last fifteen hours, she’d kept mostly to herself, dozing or staring out the small window. Either she was feeling chastised and afraid to rock the boat, or she was sulking.
By Jancey’s watch—which provided the only light in their chamber, but only when she pressed the button—it was nearly midnight. Normally they’d be asleep by now, but napping off and on throughout the day had screwed up their sleep schedule.
Whatever was going on with Mila, it had dragged on long enough. The inflated sense of confidence she’d displayed earlier had been off-putting, but it didn’t deserve the doghouse. Besides, she’d already apologized.
“Talk to me, Mila. What’s the first thing you’ll do when this analog is over?”
“Take a very hot shower, wash my hair, shave my legs. What about you? No, let me guess…you’ll go somewhere to get as far away from me as you can.”
Jancey bit her tongue to keep from pointing out that Mila was doing it again, scripting her every thought. “Funny you’d say that…I’d swear it wasn’t all that long ago you were pretty sure I was secretly in love with you.”
Mila huffed. “Obviously I was wrong. I think too much of myself sometimes.”
“And now you’re pouting.”
“I’m not pouting. I’m trying not to be annoying. When I don’t know what to say, it’s usually best not to say anything.”
“Also known as walking on eggshells,” Jancey said. “You don’t have to do that around me. We talked about this weeks ago, remember? We’re going to have disagreements every now and then. It’s perfectly normal. What matters is how we respond to them, how we treat each other. I don’t want you shrinking into a cocoon because you’re afraid to talk.”
After a long moment of silence, Mila said, “You can’t see me nodding in the dark. I get what you’re saying. But I still feel bad about today, like I disrespected you. I can’t help it.”
“Forget about it. I already did.” Not actually true. It had stayed with her because of a surprising realization. “Did you ever hear that saying about the definition of insanity?”
“You mean doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?”
“Exactly. All my relationships were like that. I’d meet someone and put myself out there a little at a time. I took, I gave, I took some more. All the while knowing the whole thing would come crashing down when it was time for me to chase that one thing I really want.” Those were Monica’s words. Lindsay’s words. Jill’s words. “It’s different this time.”
“Because I’m chasing the same thing as you?”
“Yes, and because everything we do is an investment. We have to work through all of it together when we’re playing for keeps.”
“I agree.” Her face was a silhouette as she peered out into the night. “What is it you want me to do?”
“I want you to relax,” Jancey said. “I’m not Frederica. I’m not holding back to be cruel to you. You can trust me.”
Mila sighed and scooted close enough to draw her into an embrace. “I do…and I needed to hear that. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” She planted a kiss on her nose. “Do you want to join me at Grace Faraday’s house when we get done? Now that the students are back, there won’t be any rooms at the university. And I have no intention of moving into a hotel, not when I have the world’s greatest guest house and a Jaguar convertible at my disposal. Besides, it might be good to show everyone we aren’t in any hurry to get away from each other.”
Another extended silence.
“Mila?”
“Sorry…I’d love to. As long as it’s okay with Grace.” There was a welcome excitement in her voice.
“It will be. She also has a guest room in the main house if you want your own space for a while.”
“I don’t need space from you, Jancey.”
“We all need space sometimes. It’s not a reflection on you, but I’ll tell you something that is.” She spun around and lay her head in Mila’s lap. “I don’t feel the urge to keep parts of my life separate from yours. That’s a brand-new feeling for me.”
Mila stroked her shoulders with cool hands that penetrated her thin T-shirt. Calming.
“When I say I need space,” Jancey went on, “it’s to spend some time in my head, not to get away from you. I can do that when you’re with me as long as I have quiet.”
“I understand.”
“But what’s really amazing to me—and this has never happened before—is that I don’t want you to go very far.” She covered one of Mila’s hands with hers. “I want you close enough that I can pull you back when I need you…or close enough that I can get to you when you need me. You have no idea what a big deal that is for me.”
Mila inhaled sharply and leaned forward so her hands slid across Jancey’s stomach. “It gives me chill bumps to hear you say that. It’s what I’ve always wanted.”
Jancey guided the cool hands under her elastic waistband. Perhaps Mila had just learned the value of waiting for her to put her feelings into words.