Linda knew what needed to be done that evening. Making certain Amy and Ryan were asleep before closing her bedroom door, she crawled underneath the blankets, cell phone in hand, wrestling with her issue, nearly talking herself out of the formidable decision she had made. “If I call Stan,” she argued quietly with herself, “he’ll think I’m still interested no matter what I say. But if I don’t, I run the risk of him phoning me at a bad time.”
Though she believed Doctor Rhinegold would surely not advise such a call, Linda understood the urgency of the matter better than anyone. She again hesitated, toying with her curls. What if Stan was desperate? What if he refused to listen? But the truth was that they were just friends. Or were they? Stan had always wanted something more. Did she, in fact, lead him into all of this? Did she too want something more? She shook her head quickly, not wanting to continue these torturous thoughts.
Cheekbones tightening, Linda stared at the phone in her trembling hand. She recalled the doctor’s suggestion about being short and forceful. What sort of advice was that, especially concerning someone who was always so nice to her? Without any further thought, she pushed the buttons, her lips quivering when he answered.
“Hello, Linda?”
“Yes.”
“So good to hear your voice! How’ve you been?”
“I’m fine, but I have to tell you something.”
“Sure, great! But hang on to your thoughts ’cause I’ve been thinking a lot these past several days. I know you wanted some space and I know I emailed you and all, but I honestly can’t seem to find any peace without you. I think I’ve discovered something in you that I’ve never experienced before. Linda, I know it’s complicated, but let’s take some time with all of this. We don’t have to rush it. We can remain good friends. Nobody has to know, just you and me.”
“It’s too late for that,” she answered dryly.
“What do you mean?”
“Chase knows. Our psychologist knows. It’s all out—”
“Chase knows? And a psychologist?! Linda, what are you doing?”
“I’m trying to make my marriage work.”
“Did you tell them who I was?”
“No, not yet.”
“Then what’s going on? There really is something special between us. I’m certain you feel it.” Stan spoke as if imploring her to listen to logic.
Linda’s agitation increased, the lines in her forehead deepening. “No, I don’t, Stan. This was supposed to be a friendship. You’re apparently looking for more, something I can’t give you.”
“But I know you’ve been looking for more as well. You told me as much.”
“Whatever I’ve said, this has to end, and it has to end now.”
“I can’t do that.”
“What do you mean you can’t?” Linda recoiled, feeling the anger she thought impossible beginning to rise within her.
“Well let me be honest. I’ve fallen in love with you. I can’t give up on the idea of us being together. You are the most amazing person, and I—”
“Stop it, Stan!” she cried out vehemently. “I can’t listen to this! I told you that I’m ending it. I love Chase, and I’m committed to him and to our marriage and our family. I can’t help how you feel or whatever you’re going through, but you need to leave me alone. No more calls, okay?”
“I don’t think I can do that.”
“You can and you better! I don’t ever want to hear from you again!” Linda couldn’t believe the intensity of her words. Always amicable, she was completely frustrated at having to end a relationship that she thought had begun so innocently.
“And what if I call, not right away, but maybe in a couple of weeks just to check on you?”
“I don’t need you to check on me.”
“Mommy?” came a small voice from the behind the door. Amy opened it and looked in. “Are you talking to Daddy?”
“Hang on,” she said into the phone. “No, honey. I’m just doing some business. It’s all right. Go back to bed now.”
The door closed and Linda, irritated, put the cell back to her ear. “Listen, Stan,” she said sternly, “I have a family, and I’m not going to jeopardize it for you. You found me in a lonely and vulnerable state, and despite the things I’ve said to you recently, I don’t mean them anymore. If you call or write, I will not respond. And don’t press the issue, because I might just give Chase your number and let him deal with you. I don’t think you’d want that.”
“Come on, Linda. This is not you. We’ve talked for countless hours these past few weeks. I know what you want, and it’s certainly not going back to the life you’ve been living. You don’t want to live a lie.”
The words felt like a blow to her abdomen, but she steadfastly held her ground. “I’m not living a lie!” she shrieked into the phone, trying to muffle her voice with her other hand. “And no, you don’t know me and what I want. How could you after a few phone calls and emails? In any case, don’t push this any further. I’m moving on, and you need to do the same. I’m going to hang up now, and believe me this is it. I’m hanging up. Good-bye.”
“Wait, Lin—”
She hit “end” before Stan could say anything more. Not quite indignant but deeply hurt, Linda was displeased that she had to cut him off so abruptly and in such a cruel way. Still trembling with confusion and agitation, she curled up in her bed and cried herself to sleep.
**
His plane landed in Syracuse near midnight. Chase trudged to the baggage claim area and waited. “Wouldn’t you know mine would be the last one,” he muttered when he finally spied his black-and-brown suitcase. As he stepped out of the terminal toward Hertz, the chill surprised him since he didn’t expect April to feel so cold, at least back home. Pleased that he had the foresight to bring a light jacket, he wrapped it over his shoulders.
Soon speeding along the freeway, Chase punched in Frank’s number on his cell. He would arrive in about an hour. They could leave a key under the mat.
“No way! Just knock and I’ll come down. Allie and I can’t wait to see you.”
“All right. Just checkin’. See you when I get there.”
“Sounds good. See you soon.”
Frank had called Chase that morning to let him know their mother’s condition had grown worse and that she kept asking for him. She wanted to know when she could see him, how long he would stay, and whether the grandchildren would be with him. He called her, promising to visit on Sunday.
Riding the freeway, Chase depended upon Frank’s directions. When he fled New York at twenty-two, he had left his hometown only once before, on a family excursion to New York City shortly after he turned five. Chase attempted to recall as much of the trip as possible, not merely because he remembered it as special but mainly to help fight his fatigue.
After ten minutes or so of relative success, his mind turned to his family. Tears fell down his cheeks as he thought about his intense love for Amy and Ryan. Suddenly he sobbed uncontrollably. Chase pulled off at the next exit, wiping the tears with his sleeve as he sat near a gas station. He remembered his vow many years ago never to be like his father. Was that it? Had he emotionally abandoned his own children? He loved them. He cherished them. But did they know it? Did they feel it? Tears again welled up. And Linda? He treasured her beyond words. Chase could not imagine life without her. Whatever it took to preserve his marriage, he would do.
He wiped his nose, looked around him, and shook his head when he realized his concern that others may have seen him crying. This was truly a fight, he told himself, a fight for those dearest to him. With renewed resolve, Chase hopped back onto the freeway.
He finally reached his exit and stopped at the end of the off-ramp. “This is weird,” he said half aloud. “I haven’t seen this place in ages.” Chase rolled down the window, stretched out his arms, and inhaled deeply, thoroughly enjoying the crisp early morning air. I wonder what it looks like now, he mused.
Taking a direction opposite from Frank’s house, he drove west toward the woods. So this is where it all began, he reflected, coming as close as the road allowed and then pulling over to stare at the railroad tracks with the river below. After all these years, nothing had changed. Just him. How would his life have turned out if the drop had gone down as planned? He wondered if he’d still be dealing.
Chase thought about that and considered how often events that appear to be disastrous can turn out well in the end. He mused about the possible role of destiny, a word he surely had never uttered before. Perhaps fate made better sense, whatever that meant. Or maybe simple coincidence defined this phenomenon best. “Oh, whatever,” he said flippantly. These events had happened and now he had returned thirteen years later.
As he drove toward Frank and Allie’s, Chase felt gratified by the changes he had experienced. He was pleased that upstate New York and all it represented existed in his past, that he had a wonderful family and a good career, and that something new, fresh, and exciting had happened in his life.
He even became mysteriously content with the ambiguity of the event on his patio. Though Chase couldn’t explain the hand or the voice, he knew that the lies were too real to deny. That Linda noticed considerable changes in his behavior testified to their reality. She would never accept more of the meaningless and temporary promises he had made in the past. And even if he could never identify the source of his freedom, Chase felt secure enough to leave that question unanswered and to wholeheartedly pursue the revelation that he indeed could become a new person.
By the time Chase pulled up to the house, the one Frank and Allie had lived in for years, exhaustion overwhelmed him. Man, that was a long trip, he thought. Clutching his suitcase in one hand and his carry-on in the other, he stepped up to the front door. He tapped lightly several times and knocked more loudly after about a minute.
The door opened and Frank stood in his robe, bleary-eyed but grinning like a little boy. “Chase!” he shouted, reaching out to embrace him. “Great to see you! Come on in.”
Allie waited in the entryway with outstretched hands, buoyant and breezy as ever. “It’s been so long! How was your flight? Can I get you something? Maybe some coffee?”
He stole a kiss on her cheek. “No, thanks. I’m just whipped. A nice bed sounds better.”
“We have one made up in the guest room. I put towels on your bed, so just make yourself at home. How are Linda and the children?”
“Oh, they’re great.”
“And you?”
Frank stopped her questions. “Allie, I think he needs some shut-eye. Why don’t we talk in the morning?” Chase nodded his agreement.
“Okay then,” Allie said cheerfully. “I’ll have the coffee brewing. Chase, it’s so good to see you!”
“Good to see you too, Allie. Seems like forever. And thanks for putting me up. I really love you guys.”
“Wow!” Allie exclaimed. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that! We love you too. Anything else you need?”
“I’m good.”
“Okay, well, get a good night’s sleep, and we’ll go see Mom as soon as you’re up.”
Chase hauled his bags upstairs, plopped on the bed without removing his clothes, and immediately fell into a deep sleep. Five hours later, around seven in the morning, he got up to go to the kitchen for a drink of water. Walking downstairs and into the living room, he saw Linda sitting on the sofa in deep reflection. He didn’t question her being at Frank and Allie’s but quietly knelt behind her, placed his hands on her shoulders, and tenderly asked if she felt okay.
He immediately sensed a presence. Someone slowly crept toward them from the study. It could be Frank, but somehow Chase knew that wasn’t possible and that danger lurked right behind them. Panic seized him as the eerie presence walked past the sofa, glanced over at Linda, and mechanically asked, “What’s going on?” Without waiting for a response, the presence continued toward the kitchen.
Chase turned to look and nearly collapsed. It was himself, but he was wrapped in rags like a mummy. Completely dumbfounded, Chase nevertheless instinctively knew this to be his old self, the same desperate, terrified person flailing in the spider web. He rubbed his face with his trembling hands before looking up again. The figure was gone. In disgust Chase resolutely vowed, “I’ll never be that person again.”
Instantly Chase found himself back in bed. Glancing at the alarm clock, he saw that the green numbers read seven-thirty-three. He wiped the perspiration from his brow and noticed his body shaking. He looked around the room but saw nothing out of place. What had just happened? Did he actually get up and go downstairs? Did he really see what he thought he saw? Linda was there, so it had to be a dream, one of those vivid dreams that seem so real.
No, he couldn’t believe that. This was much more substantial than a dream. Didn’t he just climb back into bed? Chase stroked his chin. He considered calling Linda but realized the hour on the West Coast. Digging for his laptop, he opened it up on the small antique desk and drafted an email.
Linda my love,
I hope all is well with you and the children. I arrived at Frank’s early this morning and had the strangest experience a few minutes ago. I got out of bed and walked downstairs and then noticed you sitting on Frank and Allie’s couch. This was something similar to a dream but much more tangible, even more so than the web, if you can believe that.
Anyway, after I knelt down behind you, I felt someone creeping up behind us. When he came into view I saw that it was me, a walking corpse or something! I was kneeling behind you, trying to give you comfort, but the old me, the man I saw move past us, behaved as I once did, barely recognizing you and walking into the kitchen. We didn’t make eye contact since he seemed to look beyond me or through me. I then resolved, out loud, never to be that person again!
What do you think it’s all about? I believe that I’m changing, and maybe I simply saw an aspect of myself that treated you so poorly, the part that separated our lives and forced you to make it on your own. I am so sorry, Linda. I’ve put you through a lot, but I don’t want to be that person any longer. I wish you were here. I’m already missing you. Hug the kids for me and call as soon as you can.
Love,
Chase
He hit “send,” closed his laptop, and went downstairs.
**
“You’re up early!” chirped Allie as Chase made his way into the kitchen. “Did you sleep well?”
“Short but good.”
“Coffee?”
“Definitely.”
“It’ll be ready in a minute. It’s so nice to see you again after all these years! We’ve really missed you. Frank went out to the bakery and should return shortly. Can I get you anything else in the meantime?”
“No, coffee’s fine. Hey Allie, how long have you been downstairs?”
“What, you mean this morning?”
“Yeah.”
“We just got up maybe ten minutes ago. Why?”
“Oh, just wondering.” He checked his cell phone and saw that it was seven-fifty-five. “So how have you been?”
Chase listened, savoring each sip of freshly ground beans as Allie chattered away about Frank, their business, some neighbor down the street who accidentally ran into the back of their parked car last week, and other apparently meaningful topics. His mind moved in and out of the conversation as he continued to contemplate what had taken place less than an hour before. Chase enjoyed reconnecting, but the event and the impending visit with his mother weighed heavily on him.
When Frank marched through the front door toward the kitchen, Chase had just finished his second cup. “Well good morning, Chase. You’re up early! Didn’t expect that.”
“Yeah I know. Had this crazy dream or somethin’ I’ll have to tell you about later after we see Mom.”
“Sure. Well, since you’re up, I’ve got some fresh bread and a few pastries, so why don’t we eat, catch up, and then go to the hospital?”
“You guys go ahead. I need to take a quick shower. I’ll be down right after that.” As much as he desired to converse with them, Chase determined that his mission was to visit his mother, stay as long as needed, and return to Linda and the kids sooner rather than later. He understood that it must be special for Frank to have his kid brother around after all this time, but it wasn’t as if they never talked. Or maybe he simply felt uncomfortable back in his old neighborhood, a place with too many bad memories.