Chapter 11 SWEET HOME ALABAMA
Moving from Nashville to the Birmingham area seemed so right for me personally but so wrong professionally. I did it for Jay and his children. He was willing to move to Nashville, but he didn’t come from a divorced family, so he didn’t understand what moving to another state could do to his relationship with his kids. He thought, “I can make that work,” but I knew that if I really loved him I had to think about his kids and what I went through. I remembered when my dad moved to Dallas. I would’ve been such a hypocrite if I’d encouraged Jay to move to Nashville and leave his kids in Birmingham.
I knew that the distance would eventually take a toll and that slowly we’d start missing things in their lives. We would’ve settled into our work and our life together, and it would be easy to say, “You know, I don’t think we’re going to be able to make it to this game or that event or get them this weekend. There’s just so much going on.” It would become more and more of a habit, even if we’d started out with good intentions. I knew Jay’s kids eventually would’ve hated me, and they would have hated my kids if we’d taken their dad away from them.
So I made that decision because I chose to marry a man with children who was from another state, and I wanted us to be a family. My kids were still really little, under age eight. The girls hadn’t started school yet, and Avery was almost done with second grade when I decided to move.
Being such a perfectionist, my dream was to perfect the blended family. I started trying so hard to make every weekend and Wednesday night and every other week in the summer, and every other holiday, just fun, fun, fun. All the time. I desperately wanted our seven kids to be happy, and most of all to feel LOVED. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. The role of a stepparent is not to act like the parent. The press and the media will write things about me being a mom to seven. I’m not a mom to seven. I’m a mom to three, and a stepmom to four. And that’s something that I really want to stress. I have never said that I’m raising Jay’s kids. I have never tried to suggest that all seven kids live with us full-time. I think the media likes to say that because it makes for a more interesting story. The Barker Bunch story. But I’m their stepmom, not their mom. And I like to think of myself as an aunt or older sister, or a mentor to them. I’m there for them if they ever need anything, but I’m not their mom, and I don’t try to be.
Professionally, moving to Alabama was a much bigger sacrifice than I realized it would be. It’s more expensive for me to live in Alabama, because anytime I need to go to Music Row, I have to drive up or use my bus. The Birmingham airport has practically no direct flights anywhere, so for all of our travel, we have to go through Atlanta, and it can be challenging getting the limited flights in and out. It’s a lot more travel cost because the band and crew buses all leave from Nashville, and Chris, my driver of fourteen years, has to come to Birmingham a day early to get his sleep and then be able to get us at midnight to leave for the tour run. But I did it for love, and I’m really glad I did. Mountain Brook has been an amazing little idyllic place to raise my kids.
It’s a beautiful southern town with winding roads, creeks, and thick forested hillsides woven around some of the oldest homes and mansions in the country. It’s made up of three villages—Crestline Village, Mountain Brook Village, and English Village. We found a house in Crestline Village right across the field from the elementary school. That field was like our front yard. We did everything on it. We played softball, baseball, football, Ultimate Frisbee, tag, volleyball without a net—you name it, we played it. My favorite thing to do is have Jay hit pop flies that are out-of-this-world high, catch them, and then sling them back to him. It’s an amazing workout, and I used to love to show off when other people were on the field. At first they would stare, because we were new celebrities who had just moved to their town, but then they would stare because they couldn’t believe what they were watching. Have I told you I’m a great athlete?
We could walk everywhere around town, to shops or the restaurants. It felt like a fairy tale when we moved here. Our life was wonderful. Ten years later, Mountain Brook, Alabama, is where my children have grown up. This is their childhood hometown, and it feels like home for me, too, at least for now. Sometimes I dream of buying a farm or a big horse ranch, and Jay and I have talked about moving back to Nashville once our kids are all grown. But being in Mountain Brook has brought me so much joy, and a lot of other things as well, including great friends.
Since moving here I’ve made some of the best friends I’ve ever had. I can’t imagine my life without my four best friends. I have lots of awesome friends, but these four are the ones I am closest to and have spent the most time with.
I now understand how important friendships are. I really think women put too much pressure on their marriages and talk to their husbands about a lot of things we shouldn’t—like our weight, friend drama, PMS problems, and just other silly stuff that they don’t care about. Women can talk literally all day about a million things, and men don’t work like that. Men are not emotional like women, so we shouldn’t expect them to be. I NEVER tell Jay when I think I’m fat. I don’t want to put that in his head! I only want him to see me at my best, and I want him to think that I am confident, because that is sexy.
Jay and me
Some of the sexiest things to me in a man are confidence, authenticity, honesty, kindness, and masculinity. Don’t freak out. I’m not talking about what everyone has been saying recently—“toxic masculinity.” To me, being masculine means being a great guy, a kind and loving husband, and a hard worker, and being honest, taking care of your family, being a good father, and being brave. Knowing what the people in your circle need, and caring about those needs. I don’t want Jay coming home and unloading his stress on me. That’s what his buddies are for. They can go have a beer and talk about things that are stressing them out or worrying them. I want my man to be the man, and I want to be the woman. Maybe that’s not for everyone, but that’s how we function.
It kind of sounds like I don’t want a “real” relationship. I do, just not too real. I think in order to keep the attraction alive you have to draw lines and have boundaries. Like using the bathroom in front of each other, OMG GROSS! People, do not do that. To me that would kill all chances of romance. I’m lucky because my husband is hot. He has great genes, and he looks great all the time. But no matter how attracted you are to someone physically, they can still turn you off if they aren’t careful. Jay knows that I don’t like to be asked a lot of questions, and I have always made that clear. But his family are question askers! “Where are the paper towels?” “In the kitchen closet, third shelf.” “This closet?” “Yes.” “Right here?” “YES.” “Did you say third shelf?” “I’LL JUST GET THEM MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” So if he ever starts going down that road, I’ll get this stressed look on my face, even when I don’t know it, and he will say, “Oh yeah, too many questions.” And we laugh about it. Sometimes it makes me feel like a bitch, but I just can’t handle a lot of questions. I think it’s rude. On their part, not mine.
I don’t like to be shown things, either. You know how some people just LIVE to show you things? Something they saw on Facebook or Insta or YouTube? It’s fine once in a while, especially if it’s something incredible, but when you monopolize a family get-together or interrupt a conversation to show me something, it takes all of my good upbringing and manners to grit my teeth, smile, and say, “Sure I’d love to see it.”
So it’s knowing the little things that can really help a marriage. If your spouse tells you these things, REALLY try to listen and not be annoying. That’s a turnoff. Also, I hate laziness. I detest it, ESPECIALLY in a man. If you want to lose all of my respect as a man, be lazy or irresponsible. Or lie. Game over.
Back to my girlfriends. One of the many reasons I bonded so quickly with these four women is that we all have kids the same age and we are all just about the same age. They have all known each other either their entire lives or since college. They were all at Alabama when Jay was playing ball there. So I immediately hit it off with them.
Lisa isn’t just my friend, she’s also my decorator, and we joke that she’s like my Mountain Brook manager, because she tells me what I need to remember and what’s going on. “By the way, Audrey needs to do this…,” she’ll say, or, “Don’t forget that Olivia should do that… Did you send in the pictures for the senior thing?” Lisa knows how frazzled my life can get and how busy I can be. She’s really funny, too, so she feeds my sense of humor.
Sullins is my practical, down-to-earth friend. She goes to bed at eightish every night. Though she’s only a few years older than me, she seems like an older sister. She’s like a sounding board because she listens to me. She thinks that she has the most boring life compared to me. I’ll tell her these huge, dramatic things going on in my life and she’ll respond with, “I had chicken for dinner last night.” We laugh about that because it’s pretty much true. Sullins is practically a professional tennis player and we play tennis a lot. She’s an incredible decorator as well. Her husband is fourteen years older, and her life is just so different from mine. It’s calm. And she brings a calm to my life.
Renee is the friend with whom I share a lot of personal values when it comes to being a mom and a wife. We both love to cook for our families, we are both servants at heart, and we are both traditional thinkers when it comes to marriage. She and I walk a lot, and these walks are like counseling sessions for both of us. We each have three kids exactly the same age.
Libba is fun and always laughing. She has triplets who are the same age as Olivia (we call her Livy) and a daughter the same age as Avery. Libba and I have a lot of great, deep talks. All of these gals have traveled with me a lot. I love to have girlfriends go on tour with me, they all know exactly what to do and how to be on the bus. It’s a blast and they are so helpful—they will just jump in and start steaming my clothes or handing things to KK to help get me dressed. And we are laughing the whole time!