Let me just tell you how much I hate divorce. Even though I’ve been through one, I still maintain that it’s one of the worst things a human being can go through. Especially if you have kids, or you’re the kid whose parents are splitting up. In divorce, people do and say things that they never thought themselves capable of. Divorce is one of the most destructive things that can happen to a family. And the kids are almost always the ones who get torn in two.
I think you should at least try a lot of counseling before making the decision to divorce. If it seems inevitable and nothing is working, then you need to sit together with a pastor or a counselor and possibly some relatives or close friends and come up with a plan for how you are going to tell the children and what you are going to tell them. You need to have a solid list of things that you can tell them that won’t leave them scared and lost. Like:
These are just a few of the many things you need to reassure your kids about. If you are going through a divorce and your parents did not divorce, you have no idea what the children are going through. It is pain and stress and anxiety that will take them a very long time to get past, but it will take a hell of a lot longer if you misbehave during and after divorce. Moms, you should never tell your kids to ask their dads for the child support check. You should never involve them in any of those issues. It’s child abuse. Plain and simple. Moms and Dads, never talk badly about the other parent or the other parent’s new spouse, if there is one. Children have enough to deal with without you making them stressed and basically telling them not to love their new stepmom or stepdad. That, too, is child abuse.
When you already have kids and then stepkids come into the family, you have to be sensitive to your own kids and never let them think that you’re trying too hard to please your stepkids. Same goes for the father who isn’t living with his kids anymore but is now living with his stepkids. He has to be careful to explain to his children that he doesn’t love the stepkids more just because he sees them more. And if you’re a divorced dad and your ex has remarried, you are also dealing with the pain of another man living with your kids. It’s probably the most complex and difficult situation a family can go through. But if you have God in your family, and you have love in your heart and no bitterness or unforgiveness for your ex, it can be done well with as little pain as possible. Unfortunately, the adults are almost always the ones who mess everything up. I haven’t been perfect and have definitely made mistakes and said and done things I wish I hadn’t. But I know my intentions have always been good and I’ve acted out of love.
I think divorce is really tough on dads. He feels guilty. He feels guilty about the divorce, even if it wasn’t his fault. He feels like he is at a huge disadvantage (and he usually is) when it comes to the kids taking the “mom’s side” on everything because they usually end up primarily living with her. Even if she caused the divorce and left the marriage, they can still live with her. So he goes from raising his kids on a daily basis and taking them to school and picking them up from school and putting them to bed to NOTHING. They can become almost like strangers. Especially if the mom is insecure and determined to turn her kids against him. And here’s the thing, even if your ex did something awful, or cheated, I still believe that you shouldn’t talk badly about him to your kids, unless he is a danger to them emotionally, spiritually, or physically. Then you can tell your kids some things that they might need to know to help them.
If you’re a divorced dad, you still need to put your own comfort and feelings aside and discipline your kids the way they deserve to be disciplined. Discipline them as though you were raising them on a daily basis. Even though you want them to love you and you know you’re most likely being talked about, it’s still the right thing for the child. As their father, you have to take an active role in their lives, even if the mother won’t let you. And vice versa if you’re a divorced mom not living with your kids. You are still their parent and you have to fight for the right to be their parent. You have to ask for things like schedules and doctors’ appointments and anything they are involved in. And if you are a divorced parent who is trying to keep those things from the other parent, you are so wrong. Stop making life an internal hell for your kids. I know kids who are literally afraid to speak to their dads when they are at an event with their mom, and vice versa. I mean, in what world is that okay to do to a child? You may have divorced your spouse, but your children didn’t divorce their parent, so don’t act like that. You need to encourage the relationship between your ex and your kids.
Of course, if your ex is causing emotional or physical harm to your children, then you need to take steps to stop him from being able to be around your kids, or at least make it supervised. And definitely if you have left a marriage because you were being abused, then that needs to be addressed in the divorce. It may be possible for the kids to only see the abuser in a supervised setting.