‘MASSIMO...’
He didn’t reply.
‘Massi—’
‘Don’t, Carrie.’ He turned his head to look at her and this time the expression in his eyes was sombre. ‘Don’t.’
He’d taken her to heaven and she—wanton, reckless, desperate lover that she was—hadn’t just let him, she’d spurred him on, breathlessly demanding he hurry. She’d been such a willing participant in her own destruction. The assumption of that woman tonight—that Massimo was only with her because of their baby—was true. How very clever of Carrie! Wrong.
‘Don’t silence me,’ she said. ‘Not now.’
Not when she’d finally found the confidence to speak on something so important.
He flinched. ‘Carrie—’
‘I want more,’ she said.
She wanted it all. She didn’t just want the spectacular sex and the security of his name. She wanted his love. And she wasn’t going to get it. So she needed to end it now. Not because it wasn’t going to last but because it wasn’t enough. She’d given him everything and, if she stayed, if she let this continue as it was, there would be nothing left of herself. She’d be swallowed whole while remaining incomplete. What a fool she’d been to think she could somehow have her cake and eat it too.
‘I want honesty and truth and openness,’ she said. ‘And that needs to start with me. So here goes.’ She sucked in a breath. ‘I love you, Massimo. I’m utterly in love with you.’
She knew it would destroy everything, yet it was such a relief to admit it. She was so completely, utterly and irrevocably in love with him.
‘It’s just sex,’ Massimo answered.
His default setting was blanket denial—as with when she’d told him she was pregnant all those months ago. He didn’t believe her. She knew he had trust issues—but surely he trusted her word now?
She shook her head. ‘We just shared so much more than that. Lust, yes, absolutely. But don’t you get why it was so frantic?’ She stared at his frozen face, willing him to go with her on this. ‘That need was love, Massimo. I opened up and let you in. That’s what you wanted. That’s what you took. I wanted it too.’
‘It’s just physical for me.’ He pushed away from her. ‘It was frantic because it’s been a while. It’s a biological urge and response. That’s all.’
His words welted her heart.
‘That’s not true.’ Her breathing quickened. ‘You can’t get enough.’ Her chin lifted with the last of her courage. ‘Same as me.’
‘Because it’s a temporary high,’ he said. ‘I warned you.’ His eyes closed. ‘It won’t last.’
But he’d also told her that chemistry like this couldn’t be contained.
‘You do not get to deny or debase what that was.’ Her anger surged. ‘And, while I love sex with you, you are not only sex to me. I’m being as honest, as clear, as I can. Letting you see right through me to my heart. To what matters. To all that matters. And you’re...’
Unable to say anything. Because—she realised with horror—it wasn’t that he didn’t believe her. It was because he couldn’t give her the answer she so desperately wanted. Because he’d already told her and she was the one not listening. He’d told her not to settle for second best. Not to let herself be undervalued any more. To make a scene if necessary, not to stay silent. That she was stronger than that.
But she wasn’t. She was not strong enough. Because the truth was he didn’t want to settle for her. He didn’t love her. She wasn’t enough for him. She wasn’t wanted by him for anything more than sex. Which meant she had to push him away. Because he was her paradise. And her paradise had become her prison. Her life, her heart, was now irrevocably bound with his. Because with Ana they were a tightly woven group that couldn’t be separated.
But they could be loosened.
She ached to breathe freely. She was going to have to live with it somehow. And she would, because of her daughter. But she was not settling. She was not staying silent. Not this time. Not any more, ever again.
‘You know, that night back in Auckland, you were my treat,’ she said sadly. ‘My indulgence just for me. No real risk. I knew you were leaving. I knew you weren’t meant for me. And because of that I wasn’t going to fall in love with you. That was never a threat. You weren’t supposed to be a threat.’
Even though she’d known he was so far out of her league, she’d rolled with the chemistry. She’d run with the fantasy of it. Only it had all fallen apart because, when confronted with the reality of him all those months later in Fiji—when faced with the tough things, when they’d reconnected, when she’d got to know his depths—was when she’d really fallen.
‘I didn’t want to see you again. That first night was dangerous enough. That’s why I never phoned. I knew this would happen.’ Even though she’d tried to save pride and denied that it would. Now there was no pride left.
He was still frozen. This was not what he wanted to hear. Of course it wasn’t.
‘Carrie...’
She bowed her head. ‘You don’t feel the same way.’
‘I can’t.’ He stared at her grimly. ‘I don’t want this, Carrie. I’m not capable—’
‘You don’t want me,’ she argued, hurt by his easy excuses. ‘You’re not a robot, Massimo. You love Ana.’
He drew a sharp breath. ‘That’s different.’
‘Yes, but at the same time it isn’t,’ she said. ‘You can love when you want to. You let yourself love her. You let her in. I think you didn’t have a choice about that, really, because it’s Ana.’ She breathed harder. ‘But you won’t let yourself love me. You won’t let me in because it’s me. One day with someone else there’ll be no choice. You won’t be able to say no.’
‘That’s not going to happen. Ever.’
He really believed he didn’t want love in his life.
‘You really think that you can control it?’
‘Yes.’
‘I can’t stay here any more.’ She climbed out of bed and pulled on the nearest pair of jeans. They were his and they fell straight off.
He stood and snatched them from her. ‘Where do you think you can go right now?’
‘Anywhere. I’ve fallen in love with you and that’s not what you want. And I can’t stay here to be—’
‘Well, you can’t run away.’ His anger rose. ‘Ana anchors you here. She always will. And she tethers us together. You can’t just escape from this.’
‘No, but I can cope,’ she snapped. ‘And distance from you is essential for me to do that. Some space. Take my passport, if you want. Take Ana’s. You know I’ll never leave her. But we don’t have to stay together.’ She glared at him. ‘You can’t have your cake and eat it, Massimo. I’m not that convenient. I’m not going to make it easy. Not this time. Not any more.’
‘What more do I have to do to make you happy?’ His temper shredded. ‘I bought that bloody island for you.’
‘I never asked you to buy me anything. You just did that because you could. Because it’s power and control for you. I don’t give a damn about islands or clothes or things. I care about you. The person you are when you let your guard down.’ She gazed at him, desolation filling her so fast. ‘But you shouldn’t have to try to make me happy. You know you don’t really want me to stay, and I can’t be here with you like this. It’s not fair, Massimo. You need to let me go.’
Abruptly he turned and pulled on his jeans. ‘Then let’s enact these changes tonight.’ He now displayed nothing but business-like precision.
She watched as the war within him was lost—so quickly. He didn’t want to fight for her. So she’d won. And she was devastated. She couldn’t swallow...could hardly speak. ‘I’ll go to—’
‘I’ll leave,’ he snapped. ‘You’re not going anywhere.’
‘No, that’s not fair.’ She breathed raggedly. ‘This is your home. I need somewhere else. I’ll find somewhere to rent.’ She winced. ‘I’m sorry I’ve cost you so much.’
‘Money is irrelevant.’
She hadn’t meant money—not entirely. She’d meant time and resources. But now he was icy and proactive.
‘We would have had separate residences eventually anyway. The other apartments are already vacant. It’s no problem for me to go to mine now while you stay here with Ana. When it’s my turn to spend time with her, you’ll go to your personal apartment. It’s only a brief walk from here. That way it’s less disruptive to Ana and we don’t need to duplicate all of her things. We can eventually, of course, but it will be good for her to remain in familiar surroundings initially. It’s easier for Leah too.’
‘That’s...’ Carrie swallowed. ‘That’s a good idea.’
But she was stunned. Not only had Massimo worked out an action plan for when they were no longer together, he’d already done all the preparation. Those apartments were ready now. Which meant he’d been mulling this for a while, whereas she’d only had a lightning strike realisation minutes ago. When she’d fully opened up, only to be shot down by him. Bitterness trickled. ‘And you say I’m the one who runs away? You’ve got your escape plan hatched perfectly.’
He shot her a glance. ‘It was only a matter of time.’
Yet he was the one who’d insisted on them living together in the first place. He’d spent time with her, making her laugh, making her feel good, making her fall for him. Until she’d got too close. He was so cruel.
‘Self-fulfilling prophecies, don’t you think?’ Disappointment flooded her. And anger. So much anger. ‘You expected me to end it. You made me want to. Because you’re too cowardly to envisage an alternative altogether. You can’t possibly believe that this could have lasted. You refused to ever seriously entertain the idea.’
His face stiffened. ‘Actually, you’re wrong. I did wonder if this could last longer. But that would only be possible if it remained as it was.’
As some convenient arrangement.
‘So it’s my fault for speaking up? For asking for more? For wanting to name what’s really between us?’
It was the one thing he’d encouraged her to do.
Devastated, she watched him throw a few things into a carry-all. His automatic movements just proved his lack of care. Yet, if she hadn’t said anything, he would have been happy to keep sleeping with her. He’d been using her.
Silence would have kept this easy. Silence would have betrayed her. She couldn’t stay silent any more.
‘I can’t give you everything.’ Her voice rose. ‘Why should I give and give when you don’t want it all from me? When you don’t want to give me everything in return?’ She caught the sudden look of fury from him. ‘I’m not talking about tangibles, Massimo. I’m talking about more precious things—time, consideration, to be thought of first. To be your number one...’
That was all she wanted. To be someone’s number one. And, while the love he showed for Ana redeemed him, it ripped her heart into pieces. Because it showed how he could love. Just not her.
‘Why should I hurt myself wishing that one day you might? The convenience of me was a plus, but it doesn’t really matter. I know you’ll be a good father for Ana. But you don’t have to be a good husband for me. Not any more. You like sex? You’re free to get it from someone else. My blessings.’
He threw her look of such fury, she actually stepped back.
‘You ask for too much!’ He growled.
‘You told me I should say how I felt. Or didn’t you think I’d apply that advice directly to you?’
‘But because you didn’t get the answer you wanted, you just want to run away.’
‘From you, yes.’
‘Good. Because I cannot be the man you want me to be. I am not the man you think you love.’
What did he even mean by that? ‘Of course you are,’ she said. And for one last, devastating time she was compelled to admit the truth. ‘I love you, Massimo. All of you. Flaws and all. Fears and all.’
But he didn’t even see her any more. He just scooped up the bag and stalked out of the apartment.
Carrie stared after him, shattered. She’d just offered him everything. But it wasn’t enough. She wasn’t enough.