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The smell of antiseptics stung Mac’s nose. The tears in her eyes made the stark light of the emergency room almost too bright to bear.
Mom was gone. Mac swiped at the tears and a stray thought surfaced. Tears of regret or loss? Mom had been a hardened woman, a product of the religious oppression she’d embraced. Dutiful to her husband while he lived, distant from the daughter she’d raised, devoid of any real happiness and, seemingly, content to stay that way. Am I crying because she’s gone or because we never had the relationship I longed for?
“Is there someone I can call for you?” the doctor asked.
She tried to focus on the question, but her thoughts kept getting in the way. I never heard her say I love you to a single person. What a sad, lonely way to live. “Ms. Soeurs?”
Mac shook herself. “I’m sorry.”
The doctor cleared his throat, and she stared at him, at a loss, searching his face for some clue about what happened next. Before he could speak, Mac felt someone slide into the chair next to her. A hand covered hers and squeezed.
“Can you give us a minute?” the newcomer asked.
“Of course.” The doctor stood, and motioned to the nurse’s station. “I’ll be over there when you’re ready.”
Mac looked at the hand resting on hers, capable, sturdy, the nails short and buffed to a shine. She allowed her eyes to track up the beige sleeve. Her gaze slid past the badge pinned to the pocket of the shirt and rose until it landed on Charley’s concerned expression.
“How...?”
“Your name and address came over the scanner in my patrol car. When I heard they’d dispatched an ambulance, I had my partner drop me off. I thought you might need a friend. Looks like I was right. What happened?”
In another time and place the easy way Charley identified herself as a friend would have warmed Mac clear to her toes. Right now, it just brought on a fresh wave of sorrow. She felt the tears pressing against the backs of her eyes and looked away from the blonde seated in the other chair. Her breath shuddered.
“Did you hear me tell Alex that I had something I had to do at lunch?”
Charley’s nod urged her on.
“My mom was pretty upset over what happened Monday. About my decision to let Riley...” She stopped, bowed her head, and pinched the bridge of her nose. A headache blossomed behind her closed eyes. I can’t...I don’t want to go into this right now.
As if reading her mind, Charley bent until she could look Mac in the eye. “Jesse told us about your conversation on Monday.”
She...? Mac’s eyes narrowed, and tension straightened her spine.
Charley slid an arm around Mac’s shoulders. “Please, don’t be mad. We aren’t gossips, Mac. What you shared broke Jesse’s heart. She needed to talk it out. We’ve been a sounding board for each other for so long, she came to us.”
Mac swallowed, no room in her sorrow for any real anger. It actually made it easier if she didn’t have to repeat the whole story in order for the last two days to make sense. She forced her back to relax against the seat. “Mom’s been unhappy since we moved from New York. I can’t understand why she’d choose the restrictions and servitude of The Body over living with me, but it was obvious she did. I guess sending Riley to live with Dane was the last straw for her. She’d been pretty much locked in her room for two straight days, except for forays for food when I was gone or asleep. I’d made up my mind that enough was enough. I was going to send her back if that’s what she wanted. I was going to offer to put her on a plane tomorrow if that would make her happy. I went home to have it out with her, and...” Mac’s voice broke.
“When she wouldn’t open the door it made me so angry, I pounded on it. All I could think about was what a stubborn, ungrateful old woman she was being. Didn’t she know that I had no options left where Riley was concerned? Couldn’t she, just one time, be on my side?” Mac swiped at the tears and looked at Charley. “Then I found her.” She sagged in the chair. “While I was banging on one side of the door, thinking those horrible things, she was on the other side...dying.” Her gaze went to the room where her mother’s body lay, waiting for her to make some decisions about what came next.
Mac’s heart pounded, and she clasped her hands over it to keep it from beating out of her chest. “We weren’t much of a family, but you only get one mother, right? I wanted to show her a better way. Give her a better life than the one she’d lived for sixty-six years.” I wanted her to love me.
“Honey, you can’t blame yourself if she couldn’t accept what you tried to give her. You have to take comfort in the fact that you tried.”
She bowed her head, tried, and failed to accept the logic of Charley’s words. Guilt and regret struggled in Mac’s heart for superiority. “Now it’s just me and Riley, and I’m not doing any better with him.” She gulped, scrambling to her feet. “Riley. I need to talk to him.”
Charley pulled her back down. “I called Jesse on the way over here. I’m sure she’ll call Dane. Dane will take care of Riley. You need to give yourself a few minutes. You won’t do him or yourself any good until you’ve taken the time to gather your wits.”
“You’re right.” Mac drew in a deep breath and forced her brain to work. One thing at a time. She needed to call the spa and let the girls know she wouldn’t be back, arrange for one of them to lock up at the end of the day. Insurance papers were in the safe deposit box at the bank. She’d need those before she dealt with the funeral home. Mom needed clothes. So, phone, bank, a quick trip by the house, and then the funeral home. Organizing the steps in her head steadied Mac’s nerves. The next breath she exhaled didn’t sound so panicked.
“A little better?” Charley asked.
Mac sat up straighter. “Some. I’ve got a lot to do, but at least I have a place to start.” She shared the list.
“Good girl,” Charley said. “Now, what can I do to help?”
Mac studied the shaggy-haired blonde, still not sure why she was there or why she seemed to care, but Charley’s presence had bolstered Mac. “Thanks, but there’s really nothing...” Her voice trailed off when Charley raised her brows. Mac tried again. “You heard the list. Are there any of those things you can do for me?”
Charley considered. “Maybe not, but I can keep you from doing them alone.”
Mac shook her head. “There’s no need. Don’t you have to get back to work? Aren’t there some bad guys that need chasing?”
“Mackenzie Soeurs, are you trying to get rid of me?”
Mac chewed on her bottom lip, knowing the honest answer would surprise, and probably offend. She hedged. “Maybe...”
Charley tilted her head.
Mac raised her hands in frustration. “I appreciate you for coming to check on me, but I don’t understand why you’re still here. I don’t know what to do with you.”
Pity flashed in Charley’s brown eyes, filling Mac’s heart with shame and making her feel like the ungrateful woman she’d accused her mother of being. But Charley just smiled.
“This is what friends do, Mac. We don’t let each other suffer alone. Randy, Alex, Jesse and me...well, we’re in this for the long haul for each other, and you. You might as well suck it up and get used to it. You’ve been assimilated.”
* * *
ASSIMILATED? MAC HAD no idea what that meant. Oh, she could define the word, she just didn’t have a clue how to apply it to these women. Charley had trailed her every move this afternoon, and Mac had to admit she was grateful for the woman’s steady presence.
Coming back to the house, returning to her mother’s room to get clothes for the mortician...it seemed so surreal. Mac had cracked under the reality that Mom wouldn’t be back. Charley had simply folded her into her arms and let her cry it out. No urging her to be calm like she’d done earlier. It was like she knew Mac needed to release some of the tension. In that moment Mac found a comfort she’d never known could exist between two women. There was no trace of pity or obligation in Charley’s attitude, just warmth.
Is this friendship?
If it was, she could understand why the women of The Body were denied such relationships. This was a powerful and heady thing. She was certain that the oppression she’d been raised with could not have stood where this unity existed. No wonder her sister-in-law had urged her to leave.
Meltdown over, they continued to the funeral home, where Charley provided steady but silent support while Mac made arrangements for the cremation her mother had requested long ago. At some point Mac would ship the ashes back to New York to be buried next to her father.
Now, with the sun low on the horizon, they idled in front of Mac’s home. Cars lined the curb, and Mac glanced at Charley.
She pointed to the red jeep. “That’s Randy’s. The green SUV belongs to Alex, and the black Chevy is Jesse’s.”
“Why...?”
“I told you, we take care of each other. I know it can be a little disconcerting for the uninitiated.” She grinned. “I’ve been with you all afternoon, but let me tell you how this probably went down. Does Riley have a key to your house?”
Mac nodded.
Charley continued. “I’d guess that Jesse got Riley’s key from Dane and called in reinforcements. I’d almost guarantee that there’s a hot meal waiting in the kitchen with goodies for the next couple of days in the fridge. If your carpet needing vacuuming or your dishwasher needed loading, that’s been done.” She raised a hand when Mac’s mouth fell open. “They respected your privacy, wouldn’t snoop if you paid them, but you have enough on your mind right now without having to worry over the things that your friends can do for you.”
“I don’t understand you guys. You barely know me. You didn’t know my mother. Why would you, any of you, disrupt your whole day for me?”
Charley’s answer confused Mac in its simplicity. “We like you.” She stopped for a second and cocked her head in thought. “You know what you said about giving your mother better than what she had?”
“Yeah.”
“Same thing. Now let’s go see what they’ve put together for dinner. I’m starving, and I’m sure Dane and Riley are on their way.”
Mac nodded toward the windshield as she completed the turn into her drive. “Speaking of.” Dane’s van had just rounded the corner and was heading their way.
Charley put her hand on Mac’s arm. “I can tell you’re nervous. You’re chewing your lip again. Are you worried about how Riley is going to handle his grandmother’s passing?”
“Yes and no.” Mac paused to gather her thoughts. “The men of The Body are taught to be indifferent to women from a young age. A male who shows love for a woman, any woman—mother, sister, daughter, wife—is considered weak. I imagine the bond between a mother and son is probably pretty normal until the boys start school. But it doesn’t take long for peer pressure to influence the little guys and have them acting like their older counterparts.”
“That’s horrible.”
“It’s a difficult adjustment to make, even when you expect it. I always hoped to have a daughter. At least she would have been mine until she turned eighteen.” And I’d have made certain we’d have had a better relationship than Mom and I did. She swallowed that regret as she watched Dane and Riley come up the walk. “So I don’t know how Riley will take this.” She reached for the door handle, and Charley climbed out as well. Mac headed down the walk while the other woman waited on the porch.
When she met the guys, Dane stepped forward and pulled her into his arms.
“I’m sorry.”
His whispered words tickled her ear even as the warmth of his embrace danced goose bumps up her spine. What is it about this man that makes me feel...what? She didn’t have a word for what he made her feel. It wasn’t unpleasant, but it wasn’t comfortable either. She stepped away and rubbed her bare arms.
“Thanks.” She looked at her son and then back at Dane. “Can you give us few minutes?”
Dane squeezed her arm and joined Charley on the porch. Mac waited until they went inside before she spoke to Riley. “What did Dane tell you?”
“Grandmother died.”
Her son’s voice was matter of fact, missing the insolent tone so often present these days.
She reached up to brush a stray lock of his dark hair out of his eyes. “Are you OK?” She closed her eyes at the stilted words. Are you OK? Why is it so hard for me to have a conversation with him? I sound like a machine. Her breath left her in a loud sigh, her movements wooden as she put an arm around his shoulders.
Riley stared at the ground, but to her surprise, he didn’t try to escape her touch.
“Dane and I talked about it on the way over here. I think he expected me to be upset. I think it’s hard for him to understand why I’m not.” He met her gaze and in spite of his bravado, she caught a rare glimpse of vulnerability in his eyes. “Is this always going to be so hard?”
“What do you mean?”
He raised his hands in a gesture of defeat. “Dad said one thing, then the community, even Grandmother, said another, and now you and Dane say something else.” He looked away, his scuffed shoes shuffled on the pavement, his voice a whisper when he continued. “It’s like I don’t belong anywhere.”
The words twisted Mac’s heart. She squeezed his shoulders, grateful for the opportunity to be close to him regardless of the circumstances. “We just need to adjust, Riley. I hope Dane can help you do that.” She looked at the house. “I think I might have found some people to help me as well.”