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The door swung open and despite the circumstances, Jesse had to bite back a laugh. Mac looked like she was about to face a lynch mob. Jesse stepped across the threshold and wrapped her arms around her new friend. Instead of responding, Mac’s shoulders remained tense, her posture rigid. The urge to laugh morphed into a renewed desire to see her brother strung up by his thumbs. Buy a clue, Dane!
Jesse stepped back and rubbed her hands up and down Mac’s arms. “Two things,” she said. “Number one, my brother is a great guy and I love him, but he’s an idiot when it comes to women. Number two”—she met Mac’s nervous gaze with a steady one—“you go, girl!”
Some of the stiffness melted from under Jesse’s hands, and she pulled Mac back into a hug. “That’s better. Did you think I was here to bark at you?”
“I wasn’t sure.” Mac stepped back and motioned Jesse into the house and onto the sofa. “Did he send you over here?”
Jesse made herself at home in Mac’s living room. “Yeah, goes back to that whole ‘he’s an idiot when it comes to women’ thing. He wanted me to check on you and make sure that you understand that his reaction today had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.” She stopped to study the other woman’s skeptical expression as Mac settled herself in the rocker and placed a book on the end table.
Jesse’s eyes went round. Is that a Bible? Hmm... It was both interesting and a reminder. Father, direct our conversation. Jesse mulled how to start, but Mac beat her to the punch.
“He told you what happened?”
Jesse nodded, watching her friend twist her fingers together in her lap. “You want to talk about it?”
Mac’s face went wistful as she stared into the distance. “It’s...I...” She closed her eyes, her voice a whisper when she continued. “I think...I mean...maybe...” Mac’s eyes snapped open. Jesse saw a mix of emotions reflected there. “I might have feelings for him.”
The simple admission left Jesse speechless. Not what I expected. “You might?”
Mac sat back, crossed her arms, and chewed on her bottom lip. “Yes, might. I’m thirty-four years old, and no man has ever made me feel what Dane does. That’s sad, isn’t it? I had a husband, we made a child together, but my relationship with him was never more than obligation.” She lowered her head as if she had something to be ashamed of.
“Kevin was a good man.” She spoke toward her lap. “He provided for our family, and he treated me well. I respected him. I was faithful to him. But never more than that.” She stared at Jesse. “I thought that’s all there was. Until Dane walked into the spa Monday morning.”
“And you think you love my brother? After only four days?” Jesse asked. Even in the lamplight Jesse could see the red staining Mac’s face.
“I didn’t say love.”
Jesse shrugged.
Mac tilted her head and studied Jesse with a frown before she continued. “And I can’t even tell you if what I feel is genuine...love”—Mac tripped over the word—“or just...overwhelming gratitude for what he’s doing for Riley and me.” Her brows drew together. “Is there a way to tell the difference? I’ve never felt what I feel when he’s around. My skin buzzes with some sort of static electricity, and my heart thumps twenty beats faster, and I know everything is going to be OK as long as we can work on it together.”
She sighed. “He was telling me about the progress he’s making with Riley, and it just reinforced those feelings. I had to kiss him or burst.” Her smile was full of confusion. “I don’t even know if I did it right. I’ve been kissed, but I’ve never done the kissing.”
Jesse battled sympathetic tears. Girlfriend, you might not have used the word love, but you’ve got it bad. She leaned forward. “Oh, I think you did it right. Dane was a wreck when I talked to him.”
Mac’s expression became distressed. “Oh no...I didn’t mean...I’m—”
“In a good way.” Jesse clarified. “At least as far as I’m concerned.” She paused and turned her thoughts inward. Blast you, Dane! You’re the one who should be telling this story, not me. And how much should I share? The questions and confusion in Mac’s eyes tipped Jesse toward full disclosure.
“When we were talking about Riley on Monday, you were pretty distracted. Did you get the part where Dane hinted about his bad boy days?”
Mac nodded. “Hard to believe though. It seems his job takes him everywhere, and people obviously trust and respect him.”
“You’re right about that,” Jesse agreed. “But it’s a hard-won respect. He got into a lot of trouble his last two years in school. Messed with drugs. Stole to support that habit. He spent a couple of months in juvie and came out worse than when he went in. He wasn’t home a month before he was caught stealing again.”
“Oh, no,” Mac breathed. “Did they send him back?”
“It was close, but the man whose garage he broke into, Mitchell Black, talked to the authorities and convinced them to turn Dane’s rehabilitation over to him. It was the best thing that ever happened to my brother.”
Mac frowned. “Mitchell Black. I’ve heard that name.”
“I don’t doubt that. He was a pillar in Garfield. He died a couple of years ago. Nearly broke Dane’s heart.” She swallowed back her own tears at the memory of a departed family friend.
“Mom and Dad have always had a shaky relationship. I know they tried to present a unified front for Dane and me.” She shook her head. “It didn’t always work. Mitchell managed to turn Dane around.”
Jesse closed her eyes. “But there was a girl.” She opened her eyes and found Mac watching her intently.
“Sabrina Moss. Dane met her in rehab. She was incredibly beautiful...and incredibly needy. Sabrina leaned on Dane, drew strength from him, got sober for him. As good as that might sound, making that sort of effort for any reason other than admitting you have a problem and you need to fix it for you is a mistake.” Jesse stopped and took a deep breath.
“Sorry...personal soapbox. Anyway, for the first time in his life, Dane had someone who depended on him, she needed him, and that made him feel ten feet tall. He fell for her, hard.” Jesse wiped a tear from her cheek.
“Sorry,” she told Mac. “It’s hard to watch someone you love fall into a trap, knowing they won’t see it until it’s too late.”
“What happened?” Mac asked.
“He asked her to marry him, and she said yes. I’ve never seen my brother so happy. But, the rest of us were just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It fell on their wedding day.”
“What do you mean?”
Jesse got up to pace. “The church was decorated in red and white roses. There was a four-layer wedding cake in the fellowship hall. There was a nervous groom at the altar. The only thing missing was the bride.”
Mac’s hand jerked to her mouth. “Oh, no.”
Jesse took off her glasses and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “We waited for an hour before Pastor finally took Dane back into his office with Mom and Dad. I don’t know what they said, but they came out twenty minutes later and sent everyone home.” She combed the hair back from her face. “We found out later that Sabrina had hooked up with an old pal the night before. Someone who was willing to fund her old habits. Dane never heard from her again.”
Jesse shook herself out of her memories and sat on the edge of the sofa. “That was fifteen years ago...” She sucked in a breath.
“What?”
“Fifteen years ago this week.” Jesse collapsed against the cushions. “Oh Mac, no wonder you shook him so bad.”
“I didn’t know...I couldn’t...”
“Of course you couldn’t. That’s why I’m here, I guess. To give you the gory details that Dane still can’t talk about.” She sat up and pinned Mac with a stare. “What would you say if I told you that you might just be the answer to my prayers?”
Mac’s eyes narrowed in a frown.
“I’ve seen Dane in trouble. I’ve seen him pull himself up by his shoelaces. I’ve seen him in love, and I’ve seen him hurt. And for the first time in fifteen years, I’ve seen complete joy on his face. And you put it there.”
“I don’t understand,” Mac said.
“Neither does he, but he will.” She studied Mac. “But there are some things I need to be straight about from the get-go.”
Mac’s head tilted in confusion. “OK.”
Jesse motioned to the Bible on the table next to the rocker. “You’re reading a Bible? I thought you weren’t into religion.”
“Alex left it for me.” Mac picked the book up and stroked the cover. “I’m not an atheist, Jesse. I believe in God. People who say they don’t are blind.” She waved a hand toward her front door. “Step out there and look at the sky,” she suggested. “There was purpose and design behind that, not happenstance.” Mac looked away. “I believe, but not in the narrow, constricting way I was raised. I think I’ve been a little angry at the real God about that.”
“And now?”
“Alex asked me to read John. I haven’t finished yet, but I’m already seeing a much different God than the one I was raised to believe in. This one cares about me, even though I’m a woman. He sacrificed His Son for me. There’s so much there. So much I don’t understand.”
“I’d be happy to try and answer your questions.”
“Not yet. I do have questions,” she clarified, “but I’m not sure how to ask them yet. I want to finish John and the verses in Romans that Alex recommended. Then maybe we can talk.” Confusion returned to her face. “I don’t understand what this has to do with Dane.”
“He’s worked hard to turn his life around, and as much as I might think you and my brother together is a great idea, I won’t...I can’t encourage a relationship between you and Dane until you can accept Christ into your life.”
* * *
MAC BOWED HER HEAD against the last words she’d expected to hear. These people looked so different, treated her with such respect. Is it really just a cover up, hiding more of the oppression she’d run from? She looked at the Bible in her lap, her heart aching. The words in this book had sounded so freeing. Turns out it was just more of the same. She lifted her chin. “I don’t think so.”
Jesse frowned at her. “What?”
“If pursuing my feelings for Dane means that I have to give up who I am, believe what he believes, and allow myself to be controlled...” Mac swallowed regret. “I won’t.”
“No!”
Mac sat back at Jesse’s exclamation.
“No,” Jesse repeated with less ferocity. “Oh, Mac, no. You have it all wrong. Dane would never tell you what to believe, and neither will I.” She motioned to the Bible still resting in Mac’s lap. “It’s not about control, or oppression, or being less than who you are. It’s all about accepting the love and salvation you’ve been reading about. It’s about the freedom to finally find out who you are and what you were created to be...to do. It’s about building a relationship with God in the process.” She leaned forward. “It’s about forming families who are working towards the same goals. You both deserve that. Just as you don’t want Dane in control of what you believe, Dane deserves someone who won’t pull against what he believes.”
Mac studied her. “That makes sense...I guess.”
“I’m praying for you, we all are. You keep reading, and when you’re ready to ask your questions, call us. Not a single one of us has all the answers, but together, we’re a pretty good resource.” She stood. “May I pray with you before I go?”
Mac rose as well. “I guess.” She bit her lip as Jesse moved forward to take her hands. When Jesse closed her eyes, Mac closed hers too.
“Father, thank You for Mac. Thank You for bringing her into our lives. She’s been hurt and confused by people who twisted Your word and used it to bind her. Heal those wounds. She’s searching for the truth. Help her find it. Your truth, Father, not mine, not Dane’s, just Yours. Open her eyes and her heart as she reads. Help her organize what she’s learning into the questions she needs to ask.” Jesse paused for a breath and squeezed Mac’s fingers. “Prepare her heart for love. If it’s Your will for Mac and Dane to be together, then move them in the same direction. Take them both beyond the scars of their pasts and into the future that You have for them.” Her whispered “amen” was almost drowned out by the tears streaming down her face.
Mac shook her hands free and grabbed a fistful of tissues from the side table. She pressed some of them into Jesse’s hands and used the rest to mop her own face.
“That was beautiful. Thank you.” She sniffed into the wad of paper. “Did you mean that?”
Jesse cocked her head. “Every single word, but what part bothers you?”
“The part about a future for me and Dane.”
“Why?”
Mac paced away. “Because I’m so embarrassed about what happened today. And knowing what you came here to tell me...I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at him again, much less speak an intelligent sentence to him.”
Jesse sighed. “We’re right-brained women, Mac. Sometimes that means our emotions get in the way of our sense. But...”
Mac perked up. “What?”
“I wasn’t going to mention it, because I didn’t want you to feel pressured. Sunday is Easter. After church, we all go out to the park for an afternoon of food and fellowship. It won’t be a huge group, since a lot of people have plans with their families that day, but it would be a great opportunity to find your balance around Dane again. You can spend a little time with him and a whole lot of time with the rest of us.”
Mac considered the invitation.
“And,” Jesse continued, “it’s sort of a kill two birds with one stone invitation.”
“In what way?”
“You’re reading John, and you said you needed to understand more before you could frame any questions. You have time to finish what Alex asked you to read. Pastor’s Easter message is sure to be a part of the crucifixion and resurrection story you will have just finished. It might answer some of those questions for you before you have to ask them.”
Ever cautious about anything even loosely labeled religion, Mac turned her friend’s suggestion this way and that, looking for the pothole in Jesse’s logic. It seemed pretty straight forward, but panic seized her by the throat.
“I don’t know. I...do you have any idea how much this idea scares me? I don’t even own a dress, and even if I did, I promised myself that I’d never be a part of organized religion, ever again. It’s...it’s...” Mac’s words faded as description failed her.
Jesse chafed Mac’s arms, and Mac almost cringed away from the combination of rage and sympathy that lit her eyes from behind her horn-rimmed glasses. “I know it’s a big step for you. You’d be crazy if you weren’t cautious, but I promise, no one is going to force you to do anything you don’t choose to do. And you don’t need a dress. The only dress code we have at Grace Community is modesty. Will you at least think about it?”
Mac closed her eyes. Scenes of regimented services and forced worship battled with the love she’d read about today—a love that was softening something hard on the inside of her. She couldn’t justify the two. But I need to see Dane. I need a chance to gauge how to fix things between us.
“Well?”
Mac took a leap off a steep cliff. “I’ll be there.”