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Randy awoke Sunday morning to pounding on her front door. Her eyes, puffy and gritty from a night spent weeping into her pillow, narrowed at the light streaming through the windows. She didn’t hear lapping waves or screeching sea gulls. Obviously, her prayers to wake up on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean had gone unanswered.
The pounding continued, and fresh tears blurred her vision. She pulled the pillow over her head, knowing who it was, unprepared to deal with her heartache, or his, just now. Father, I can’t do this today. I may never be able to do this.
“Miranda, I have a key, and I’m using it in sixty seconds. You better get decent if you aren’t.” Eli’s voice came through loud and clear, annoyed, frustrated, and pitched for the whole neighborhood’s enjoyment. Great, that was just what she needed. The neighbors reporting a crazy person on her porch.
Randy threw the covers back and rolled from the bed. Decent? She looked down at yesterday’s clothes. She’d come home from Terri’s, unloaded the boxes she’d spent the afternoon packing, and surrendered to the tears. She barely remembered throwing herself on the bed, much less sleeping.
She heard the key in the lock. Let him come. She probably couldn’t stop him and, her desire to escape aside, he did deserve an explanation. Randy caught a glimpse of herself in the dresser mirror and pulled in a sharp breath. She closed and locked her bedroom door just as she heard his footsteps in the hall. Eli deserved an explanation, but she wasn’t going to give it to him looking like a scarecrow. Her eyes closed as her heart twisted. This was going to be their last meeting. She wouldn’t go into it without, at least, brushing her teeth and hair.
“Randy!”
She leaned her head against the closed door and did her best to steady her voice. “I’m in here, Eli. Can you give me five minutes?” The ragged breathing she heard on the other side of the door matched her own.
“Not a second longer,” he growled.
Randy closed her eyes at the barely leashed emotion in Eli’s voice. She slumped against the door. Father this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. You know how much I love him. Please give me the words I need and the courage to speak them.
* * *
ELI RETREATED TO RANDY’S kitchen, his temper on simmer, his hands begging for something to do. As much at home in her house as in his, he started coffee and retrieved a couple of large mugs. He watched the rich brown liquid dribble into the pot and fought against fatigue and frustration. Yesterday’s fruitless jetting around the country, coming home to this situation with Randy and Astor, and the uncertainty of what the morning held had his hackles up. He needed to calm down if they were going to get through this.
This?
This wasn’t a this... This was their lives. Randy’s sweet words of assurance yesterday had filled Eli with hope. Somehow they’d work this out together. They’d be a family. They’d build a future.
Right. Her actions last night whipped hope out from under him as neatly as a magician pulled a tablecloth from under a dinner service for eight. He’d been on the plane and out of touch for four hours. What happened to change her from whatever it is, we’ll work it out to I know now it won’t work? As tired as he was, that unanswered question had kept him awake all night and had driven him to Randy’s door at first light.
Speaking of... Eli glanced at the clock. Her five minutes were up. Let her stall. She has to face me sometime. He lifted the half-full carafe from the coffee maker and filled his mug. He blew steam from the mouth of the cup and took a cautious sip. He grimaced. The half-brewed liquid looked like sludge and tasted worse.
Just one more thing. Why couldn’t his life be simple for once? Now there’s a good question. His first wife had died and left him with a five-year-old to raise. The daughter he’d given all his time and energy to had turned up pregnant at eighteen and refused to name the father. A little part of Eli was afraid she hadn’t known who to name. Then she’d decided to give his grandchild up for adoption. For the entire pregnancy, he’d waged war against that foolishness, afraid his daughter was walking the same destructive path his sister had chosen, certain that once the baby arrived, Celeste would settle in to motherhood. And here he stood twelve months later, proven wrong with an abandoned baby and a relationship leaning toward implosion.
Eli ran a hand through his hair and allowed his eyes to trail up to the ceiling. Why is that, Father? Through it all, I lived my life for You. I raised my daughter to do the same, even though that seems to have been wasted. When I met Randy, I thought You’d finally given me something to cling to, a woman to spend the rest of my life with. Your word says that it isn’t good for a man to be alone, but You’re taking Randy away from me, too.
He swallowed when a hot shame flooded him. “Sorry, Father,” he whispered. “I guess I’m just looking for someone to blame. I don’t see a single thing in the last few days that I could have done differently.” He bowed his head over his cup. “People say that when You close one door, You open another one, a better one. That’s a nice sentiment. Am I out of line if I tell You that I don’t want another? I want Randy and the life we planned. Please help me understand where I got that wrong.”
* * *
RANDY PAUSED OUTSIDE the kitchen door, knees trembling, cut to the quick by Eli’s whispered prayer. She braced her hand on the doorjamb, balanced the weight of the world on her shoulders, and took a step into the room.
“It’s not you, Eli.”
“Randy.” Eli turned and took a step toward her.
Randy stopped him with a shake of her head. She held up his keys and laid them on the table before wrapping her arms around her chest. “Would you go if I asked you to?”
Eli looked from her to the keys and back but made no move to pick them up. He crossed his own arms and waited.
“I didn’t think so.” The words were hoarse. Randy cut a wide path around him and moved to the coffee pot. Every muscle in her body ached from the effort it took not to throw herself into his arms. She picked up the pot and poured hot coffee into the second mug. Her hands shook, and the lip of the pot clattered on the edge of the ceramic cup.
“Randy?”
She pulled in a ragged breath and turned to lean against the counter. Her gaze met his over the rim of the cup. The confusion in his expression was too painful to look at. She jerked her eyes away and tried to postpone the inevitable.
“Where’s Astor?” she asked.
“Still at Terri’s. I called her when I got your message. It was so late, she offered to keep her until noon. I was beat. And I wanted to talk to you.”
The hurt in his voice threatened to choke her. She closed her eyes. “You said you didn’t find Celeste?”
“I found where she was but got no information about where she is. The housekeeper said they were honeymooning in Europe.”
Randy stared into the depths of the cup. “How nice for them. What happens now?”
“I’m going to hire a private investigator. I’m going to take care of my granddaughter.” He set his cup aside. “I’m supposed to get married in a few weeks.”
Randy risked another look in his direction. His expression had hardened. Mouth in a tight line, his blue eyes, normally filled with warmth, were glacial. She turned to dump the coffee into the sink. Her stomach churned in fiery waves. The additional acid wasn’t helping. “And that brings us right back around, doesn’t it?”
“Yes, it does.” He moved to stand next to her, but he didn’t touch her. “You’re stalling.”
Randy closed her eyes and clenched her hands. His nearness hurt. She’d never been any good at good-byes. Father give me the right words. The prayer landed with a thud at her feet. Guess I’m on my own. Randy took a deep breath and twisted the ring on her finger. “I love you.” The whispered words seemed to hang in the space between them. Three words intended to bring hope and joy, today they shredded her heart. The ring slipped over her knuckle, and she clasped it tightly, wanting...hoping to burn the imprint of it into her skin.
“Randy, don’t...”
She reached over, took Eli’s hand, and folded his fist around the ring. She forced her eyes up to his. “I love you,” she repeated, “but I can’t marry you.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
She flinched at the bitterness in the question and allowed it to fuel her resolve. “Can’t,” Randy snapped. “And I don’t want to fight with you.”
“Or for me, it seems.”
She took a step back. “Excuse me?”
“I don’t want to fight with you either. But fighting for you...for us? I’m up for that, even if you aren’t.”
Randy pulled in a deep breath as his verbal punches found their mark. “I told you. This isn’t about you.”
“I disagree.” Eli held out his hand. Light glinted from the ring. “Can you really just walk away? Do you really expect me to?”
“I expect you to honor my wishes. I can’t marry you.”
“Won’t,” he corrected.
“Can’t...won’t.” She swung away from him, arms flung wide. “You have no clue what you’re talking about either way.”
Eli caught her shoulder and turned her to face him. “Enlighten me.”
And let him see what she was capable of becoming. A...monster...who locked a child in a closet when she didn’t get her way. Randy’s chin came up in defiance. Not ever. “Leave.”
Eli met her gaze. “Insufferable...stubborn...”
She yelped when he yanked her close and crushed his mouth against hers. He swallowed the sound, tightening his hold and deepening the kiss.
Sanity fled, and she held on for dear life, wanting his taste, savoring the traces of yesterday’s cologne, etching the feel of his arms into her memory just as she tried to imprint the ring into her palm.
He lifted his head a centimeter. “Tell me that you don’t love me.”
“I can’t.”
He brought his lips to hers again.
Reason swirled to the surface. Randy wedged a hand between them and pushed. “Don’t.”
“Randy.”
“Give it up, Eli.” She stepped back and pushed a hand through her disheveled mop of hair. “I can’t be the person you want me to be. The sooner you accept that, the better.”
Eli glared at her. “Not the person...” He grabbed her hand. “I don’t accept that. I’ve loved you from the first moment I saw you. You can send me packing, you can refuse to ever see me again. But I will always love you. Nothing you can say, nothing you can do, is going to change that.” He studied her. When he spoke again his voice had gentled. “Sweetheart, I don’t know what happened to put fear in your eyes, but we can fix it.”
Oh, how she wanted to believe that, but if he ever found out... “No, we can’t.”
“Give me a chance. Talk to—”
“I locked Astor in the closet!” She hadn’t meant to speak, but his constant chipping away left her defenseless. “Are you satisfied?”
She glared at his speechless countenance. “I locked your one-year-old granddaughter in a closet, and I left her there for almost three hours while I went about my business.”
“Why would you—?”
“Does why make a difference? Does why change it?” She paced away. “I told you from the get-go that I never wanted kids.” She faced him with her hands on her hips. “I. Am. Not. Mommy. Material. I always suspected it. I found out yesterday just how right I was.” She swallowed. “You have no choice but to raise this child, but I cannot be trusted to shoulder that responsibility with you.” She swiped at her streaming eyes. “Do you know what really stinks?”
Eli shook his head.
“I love you both so much it feels like my heart is being sucked out my toenails. I’m going to spend the rest of my life longing for the one thing I never wanted in the first place.”
Eli folded the ring into his hand. “I don’t know what happened here yesterday, but I know you. I know the person you are. There’s more to this than you’re telling me. Is our relationship worth your silence?”
When Randy didn’t answer, he crossed the room, pausing in the doorway to look back at her. “We’re not done. I’m not giving up on us.”
Randy sat at the table, staring into space. When she heard the front door latch behind Eli, she laid her head on the table and wept.