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Randy took her time over her eggs and managed to get half the omelet down before the weight of the explanations she owed to this man obliterated her appetite. Stalling wouldn’t make it easier. She pushed the plate away, took a swallow of her coffee to wet her suddenly dry throat, and folded her hands in her lap.
She pulled a deep breath into her lungs and began without preamble. “My mother was an alcoholic. For the first eighteen years of my life, I can’t remember a single day when she was completely sober. I don’t remember a lot about my father. Just fuzzy bits and pieces. When I close my eyes, I see a big guy with red hair and a booming voice.” Her quiet voice grew quieter. “He left when I was small, and if I can believe my mother, he was an addict too, but she was so bitter, I never really knew what to believe, and I wasn’t allowed to ask.”
Eli didn’t speak, but he did stretch his hand back across the table. The longing for his touch, for the comfort the connection would bring, was both physical and emotional. Randy placed her hand in his and paused her story to study the way they meshed together. Her hand fine and long fingered, his big and capable, like he could handle everything in life she couldn’t.
“Mom had been unstable before he left. I remember one day, Mom and I were in the car together, I couldn’t have been more than four, and we stopped at a red light. I was in the back seat, and all of a sudden, she screamed at me to get down. She reached back, grabbed me, and forced me into the floorboard. I remember hearing pounding on the car and Mom screaming at someone to leave us alone. The pounding grew louder and harder, and I was so scared, I wet myself. Suddenly, the car started moving and everything went quiet. When I sat up, Mom was rolling up the window, and she had an odd smile on her face. It took me years to realize that there’d been nothing there, that the pounding I heard was her beating the side of the car with her own fist. She told me not to tell Daddy about the ‘attack,’ because it would upset him, and then when we got home, she...” Randy bit her lip and dared a glance up at Eli. “Well, she was angry that I’d had an accident. That was the first time she locked me in the closet.”
Eli’s eyes went to slits. He squeezed her hand.
“Daddy left shortly after that, and she raised me by herself. Neither of us enjoyed the experience. She...” Father, give me strength. Randy swallowed. “She became physically abusive on top of emotional.”
“Oh, babe.”
“It’s not very original to say that his leaving made a bad situation worse, but that’s all I can say. Mom went crazy. Add the substance abuse to that.” Randy shrugged. “There wasn’t a thing I could do to please her, and I never knew what might set her off. One day I might fix a snack without asking first, and I’d get a royal beating for it, the next time, she’d ask me to fix her something, too. Or if I mentioned not liking my food, she might make me go without eating for a day. Or, she might jump up and make me soup. There was no pattern. But God help me if I mentioned my father. That was a sure thing. She reserved the worst punishments for that. Usually a beating followed by a night locked in the closet.”
“No one offered to help you?” Eli asked. “Why didn’t you tell a teacher or someone?”
“I’ve asked myself that question a lot over the years. All I can say is that Mom was all I had, and I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone. We lived on the outskirts of town, so there were no neighbors, and she was pretty careful not to leave bruises where they’d show...ninety percent of the time. I became a skillful liar for the other ten.”
Eli scooted his chair closer and stroked her arm. “My poor baby.”
“It got a little better as I grew. I got smarter about the things I did, and once we were about the same size, it was hard for her to inflict much physical damage. I learned I could hit back. But as long as she could push, pull, or drag me, there was always the closet, and I hated that little dark hole.”
Randy got up, went to the sink, and filled a glass with water. She took a long drink and stared out the window. “I never told a soul, but I had one friend back then who probably knew. Haley Martin was a year ahead of me. She moved to Garfield while she attended college. She opened her apartment to me once I graduated. I left home and never looked back.”
Eli stepped beside her and put an arm around her shoulders. “You bested her.”
Randy nodded. “I did. I went to college, got a job, held my secrets close, and made a life for myself. Mom accepted Christ a few years before she died. She came here looking for absolution. And she was wonderfully changed. I forgave her, and we managed to become friends. We had five good years together.”
“And you kept her secret?”
“Those years were like a gift from God, something I’d always wanted but never knew how to obtain. Before she died I promised that I’d never tell anyone about the person she’d been. And I never have. Just the thought seemed like a betrayal of that gift.”
She turned from Eli, bowed her head, and crossed her arms around herself. “I forgave her, but I’ve never been able to forget. I never wanted a home and kids, not as long as there was an ounce of a chance that what lurked in my mom hid in me.” Randy swallowed. “Then Celeste left, and I spent time with Astor. I allowed myself to believe that I’d been wrong, that I’d cheated myself out of things I could have. I almost believed it until I found Astor in my closet.”
* * *
ELI TOOK A STEP BACK. She thought... He put his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him. “Randy, no.”
“I did it, Eli. That baby was in my closet.” She leaned her head against his chest. “I’m a monster, just like my mom. I can’t be trusted to be alone with a child. I knew better than to let my guard down. What if I’d hurt her? I don’t even remember taking her in there.” She looked up at him, her eyes haunted. “What if Mom had some genetic thing she passed down to me?”
He gave her shoulders a little shake. “Stop it. You don’t remember putting her in there because I don’t believe you did. Sweetheart, she’s a year old, mobile, and determined to explore.”
He pulled her into his arms. “I have to admit that I wondered how the closet thing could have happened.” He tightened his hold when he felt her stiffen. “Not that I ever thought you could have done such a thing, but I was curious...until I lost her myself.”
She looked up. “You?”
“She was playing in the living room while I put our dinner together. When I came to get her, I couldn’t find her. I looked for fifteen minutes before I found her asleep behind the couch.” He met her gaze with all the sincerity he could muster. “I’d bet money that’s how she got into your closet. You thought she was asleep. If you went back over every second of that afternoon, I’ll bet you could find a minute or two when you turned your back and she went exploring. You don’t remember putting her in the closet because there’s nothing to remember.”
Randy took a deep breath before she pulled away. “Maybe, but we can’t be sure, and as long as we can’t be sure, there’s a risk. I love you and Astor too much to take that chance.” Her green eyes filled with tears. “I knew before I shared all of this that it wouldn’t make a difference. I still can’t marry you, not as long as Astor is a part of the package. But you deserved to know the truth.”
Oh, my poor, wounded love. How could he convince her? An idea began to take shape in his mind. It was the perfect solution, if he could convince Randy to give herself a chance. He grabbed her hand and led her back to the table.
“I found Celeste.”
Randy blinked at the abrupt change in subject. “That’s good news, right?”
“Depends on your perspective. She’s currently in Paris and headed for Rome tomorrow. I need to try and catch her before she goes any farther.”
Her smile was sad. “Wow, Rome. When do you leave?”
“That’s completely up to you.”
“How so?”
“I need you to move into my house and keep Astor while I’m gone.”
She sat back as if slapped. “You need... Eli did you not hear any of the things I told you?”
“I heard it fine,” he said. “Babe, my heart breaks for the child you were. I wish I could go back and change the past for you. I can’t. But I think we can change the future.”
Her brow furrowed.
“I don’t believe for a second that you have a genetic disorder that predisposes you to hurt children. We can prove that if you’re game.”
She bowed her head, but not before he saw a flicker of hope in her eyes. Father, give her courage. He reclaimed her hands. “Think about it. She’d spend the day at day care, so you’d only have her in the evenings.” He thought of Mac’s willingness to babysit today. “And I bet your friends would pitch in if you asked.”
“I’m not working next week. That means I could be with her all day. But what if—?”
He tugged on her hands until she looked up. “I’ll talk to Terri. I’ll make some arrangements before I leave, so that if you feel overwhelmed while I’m gone, you can take her there, no questions asked, just like you did Saturday.”
Randy chewed her lip.
“I know it’s scary to face your fears. Astor and I love you, and we need you so much. Please give our future this one last chance. I promise that if it doesn’t work out, I’ll go away and never bother you again.”
“How can you be so sure you’re right?”
“Because I believe in you, and I believe in the God who brought us together. I will never think that it was His will for Celeste to walk away from her daughter, but if He wants to use this situation to make something on the inside of you whole, who am I to argue? Will you think about it?”
* * *
RANDY STUDIED THE EARNEST man across from her and felt the future she’d abandoned stir. Oh, how she wanted to believe him. “Can you give me some time to think, and pray, about it?”
Eli nodded. “I need to be on a plane by Wednesday. That gives me a couple of days to try and talk some sense into Celeste before I lose her again. Can you give me your answer by Tuesday morning?”
I so do not deserve this man. Tuesday gave her some time to get used to the idea, because she already felt God nudging her in that direction. It also gave her some time to rally her friends, to gather their prayers around her. “I’ll let you know by Monday night.”
He stood and pulled her to her feet. “It’s the right thing,” he told her. “I have to get back home. My sitter probably didn’t plan to spend the whole day at my house. Walk me to the door?”
Randy held his arm and leaned against his shoulder as they walked. This was far from over, but for now it just felt good to be close to him again.
Eli turned at the door and tipped her face up to his. “Will you take this back?”
Her breath caught when she glanced down. Her ring lay in the palm of his hand. “But what if—?”
He laid a finger across her lips. “Yes or no.”
When she nodded, he slipped it on her finger, buried his hands in her hair, and covered her mouth with his. Randy held onto him like a he was the last piece of chocolate after the apocalypse. The taste was just that sweet as she put every ounce of her heart into the kiss.