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“Maybe you’ll get lucky, and she’ll die.”
Charley closed her eyes against the words that echoed in her head and refused to give her peace. That they’d almost been prophetic? The thought made her squirm on the wooden pew of the hospital’s little chapel while her mind replayed the doctor’s brief post-op visit.
“Melissa’s condition is...guarded at the moment,” the doctor had said.
“What does that mean?” Kinsley asked. “I thought you told me she’d be fine.”
The doctor had taken Kinsley’s hand and glanced at Jason as though asking his permission to continue.
Once Jason nodded, he’d said, “I said I expected all to go well. That is always my expectation. Unfortunately, there are times when things don’t work out like we hope.” He sighed. “We ran into some complications, and it was touch-and-go for a bit. She lost a lot of blood and her pressure bottomed out.” He paused and seemed to shake himself before straightening. “But Melissa’s a fighter. She’s in recovery, and as soon as she wakes up, we’ll transfer her to ICU until her condition stabilizes.”
“But she’s going to be OK, right?” Kinsley persisted. “The kidney thing is fixed?”
“That isn’t a yes-or-no question,” he said kindly. “While she’s in ICU, we’ll be watching for clotting and any early signs of rejection.” He paused and patted Kinsley’s hand. “But we aren’t going to borrow trouble. The rejection rate for this procedure is pretty low. The loss of blood during surgery is troublesome and will slow her recovery, but if all goes well, I think we can have her home in a week or so.”
The memory of the earlier conversation faded, and Charley’s gaze sought the discreet cross at the front of the little room.
Maybe you’ll get lucky, and she’ll die.
“Father, I never... I mean, I want my life back, but...” She swallowed on a sigh and felt her heart clutch in her chest. “Would I have sacrificed Melissa’s life to get back to normal? Am I that selfish?”
She didn’t much like the answer her heart gave her. Inching forward, Charley propped her elbows on the back of the pew in front of her and leaned her head on her clasped hands.
“Father, I don’t know what to do. I’ve fought this battle back and forth for weeks, and I’m no closer to an answer than when I started. I prayed so hard for a child. I was so hurt when I thought You planned to deny me that joy and so filled with gratitude when You brought us Kinsley. I’ve prayed for her every day. I’ve done all I can do to nurture her and teach her about You. Maybe I am selfish, but Melissa never wanted her. How can I share her?”
I shared my son with the world.
The words twisted Charley’s heart, and she looked up at the ceiling with tear-drenched eyes. “Father, I’m not You.” She folded her hands over her heart, physically trying to hold the ache inside. “I’m scared and angry and so afraid of losing the one thing that makes me the mother I always wanted to be. I don’t have it in me to do what You’re asking me to do.”
Give thanks.
Thanks? How could she give thanks when everything in her life was in upheaval?
Give thanks.
Chastened, she swallowed, sniffed, and gathered her thoughts. “Father, thank You for always loving me. Thank You for sending Your son. Thank You for the opportunity to be Your child. Thank You for Jason.” As she offered up thanks, the weight of upheaval lightened. Her next expression of gratitude came a little easier. “He’s a good man, and he’s been right by my side every step of the way, and thank You for Kinsley. She’s the joy of my life. Thank You for giving her to us when You did. Thank You for the relationship we have with her. Thank You for being a part of her life as she’s grown, for protection through all the bumps and bruises. I don’t know how You did it, but thank You for allowing me to find Melissa that night. Thank You for keeping them both safe until I did. Thank You for...”
The hushed silence of the little sanctuary seemed to wait for the next word.
“...Melissa.” Emotion clogged her throat, and her lips parted on a low moan. How could she harbor such bitterness against something she was thankful for?
Now give it all to me.
Charley doubled over and wept.
***
KINSLEY FOUND HER MOTHER in the chapel. She waited in the doorway until the sound of her mother’s sobs faded and she straightened in the seat. Kinsley slipped into the pew and leaned her head on her mother’s shoulder. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Me too, baby.”
They sat that way for several moments, content with each other’s company. Her mom was the first to shift.
“What are you doing down here? I figured it would take a crowbar to pry you out of the waiting room. I know you’re anxious to see Melissa for yourself, make sure she’s OK.”
“Keith just got here,” she said. “As long as Melissa is in ICU, she can only have one visitor an hour. I don’t like him very much, but I think he should have the first visit.”
Mom put an arm around her shoulder. “You’ve always been thoughtful like that.”
“I’ve had great teachers.”
Silence settled between them a second time. This time it was Kinsley who broke it. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Always.”
“What did you mean earlier when you said you thought Melissa wanted me?”
Her mother’s body lifted in a sigh. “It’s not easy to explain.”
Kinsley waited.
“There’s this...thing...that happens to mothers. Call it maternal instinct or... bonding. I don’t know. Whatever it is, it makes a woman totally focused on the needs of her child. She’d do anything, give anything to make that baby happy, to keep her safe, to be everything her child needs. I always thought it was hormonal, something that happened during pregnancy and childbirth. And I worried that I’d never have those things because I wasn’t a real mom.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. Oh, I never worried that I’d love you. You were the answer to my prayers, but those intangible mommy things gave me a few sleepless nights. It was pointless though. The moment I held you, the first time I looked into your eyes”—she shifted to meet Kinsley’s gaze—“I found out it wasn’t a hormone thing but a heart thing.” She cupped Kinsley’s cheek in her hand. “I’d die for you without a second thought.”
“Oh, Mom.”
“But there’s always a downside,” she continued, “a bad to go with the good. I think I got a double portion of that.”
“What do you mean?”
Her mom stared off into space, her answer a sad whisper. “I worried that I’d fail you. That there would be something lacking in what I could give you. That you could never love me as much as I loved you, especially if you knew that I wasn’t your real mom. That if you ever found out, I’d lose you.”
“Is that why you never told me about Melissa?”
Mom shrugged. “It was never really a conscious choice. It was just easier, more secure for me if I waited. I can’t honestly tell you how long I would have waited. Then Melissa called me, and everything seemed to balloon out of my control. I found myself facing the thing I feared the most, being second best, sharing the most important thing in my life. I’m afraid I didn’t handle it very well.” She looked at the cross hanging on the front wall. “I’m working on that, though. I promise.”
Kinsley stared at the cross as well, sorting through everything she’d just heard. So many things made sense now. It was like an equation from her algebra class. If Y is a harebrained teenager and X is an insecure mother, what do you get when you add them together? A Z that equals a great big mess.
“Mom, I love you.”
“I know, baby.”
“I don’t think you do. You’re my mom. There isn’t a single thing or person in this world who can change that, make me feel differently, or take your place. I haven’t done a good job of making sure you understand that.” She faced her mother with a grin. “I’m going to work on that though, I promise.”
“Smarty.”
Kinsley shrugged. “But loving you doesn’t mean that I don’t want to know who Melissa is. She’s not Mom, but she is a part of who I am. I need to know I can explore that without hurting you, and I also need to know”—she paused and swallowed back tears—“that I can come home once I’m done exploring.”
Mom’s arms came around her in a fierce hug. “Oh, baby. Always.” She shifted away and leaned her forehead against Kinsley’s. “You’ve grown up so much in the last few weeks.”
Kinsley considered that remark, and humor bubbled up inside of her. “Really? Smarter than the average fifteen-year-old?”
“Way.”
“So, does this mean I can do a few things ahead of our established schedule?”
Mom straightened, her expression skeptical. “Like what?”
“Well, you and Alex are friends, and Benjamin is her son. I thought, maybe, since I’m older than my years, we could—”
Mom gathered her close a second time, and their combined laughter sent the remaining tension into hiding. “Don’t press your luck.”
“Can I tell you something else?” Kinsley asked, serious once more. She continued when her mother nodded. “Melissa feels the same way. We’ve talked a lot over the last few days. Family is important to her, but she knows she isn’t my mom, and she doesn’t want to be. She says that’s your job, forever. I wouldn’t have it any other way. And that’s the way she wants it too.”
“She said that?”
“Yep. So the next time you get all whacked out of shape—”
“Hey.”
“Just stop for a minute, take a deep breath, and remember the truth.”
***
THE NEXT MORNING WHEN Charley and her family entered the ICU waiting room, they found Keith there ahead of them, pacing the floor with his cell phone pressed to his ear.
“Yes, I know,” he said. “It’s the chance of a lifetime.”
Charley steered Kinsley to a seat. Her daughter was strangely quiet this morning. She didn’t have to be told that even though going home today was a necessity, Kinsley’s heart wasn’t in it. She and Jason had discussed it last night. Concessions needed to be made. There had to be a way for Kinsley to explore this new relationship, but so far an opportunity hadn’t presented itself.
“Look,” Keith said into the phone. “I’ve got company. Let me think about it some more, and I’ll call you back.” He disconnected the call, paced back to a chair, and sat. “You guys headed home soon?”
“In a little bit.” Charley couldn’t help but notice the change in the man. When she’d met him two weeks ago, he’d been tense and intense. A product, she was sure, of being in a hopeless situation. She grimaced. Boy, do I know the feeling. Today, despite the rumpled clothing and the scruffy face bred from spending the night in the hospital, he seemed younger, less stressed. Melissa wasn’t the only one who’d benefit from this surgery.
“How did Melissa do last night?” Charley asked.
“Better than I could have hoped. There’s no sign of any infection or rejection. They tell me that if we can hold that line for the rest of the day, they’ll move her to a private room tomorrow.” He sat forward and clasped his hands between his knees. “I owe you guys. Things happened so unexpectedly yesterday. Melissa would have been alone if it hadn’t been for you. Thank you.” He ducked his head, then looked up again. “I want you to know that I realize I was way out of line with the way I handled things. I wasn’t trying to hurt any of you, I was trying to save my wife’s life. Kinsley’s participation was a long shot, but it was the only shot I had at the time.”
He looked up and ran a hand through his hair. “I hope you’ll be able to forgive me someday.” He smiled at Kinsley. “This young lady and my wife have a lot of catching up to do. I don’t want my stupidity standing in the way.”
Charley studied him with her best cop training, gratified to find sincere remorse in both his tone and his posture.
Jason must have seen the same things because he said, “I think we can let bygones be bygones. It’s been a trying time for everyone.” He motioned to the phone clipped to Keith’s belt. “Did we interrupt good news?”
Keith’s chuckle carried no mirth. “It would be under different circumstances.”
“What do you mean?” Jason asked.
“I’m a graphic designer. I’ve been working from home ever since Melissa started dialysis. Just made things easier, ya know?”
Jason nodded.
“The company I work for wanted to send me to this conference. I told them no, but Melissa sort of insisted that I go. I think she was still a little ticked about”—he nodded in Kinsley’s direction—“everything. Anyway, that’s where I was when she got the call. I met a guy there who was pretty impressed with my work. He’s starting a new business right here in Houston and wants to hire me to manage the graphics department.”
“Congrats, man!” Jason said.
“I’m going to have to turn him down. The new office doesn’t open until the end of November. Taking the job would require a lot of travel between NYC and here over the next few months. I can’t leave Melissa by herself for seven or eight days in a row. It’s a great offer, but the timing stinks.”
Kinsley could help.
Charley sat up as the words reverberated in her ears. She looked at Jason to find him staring at her. Had he heard it too?
Kinsley could help.
Charley looked away when she saw Jason send her the tiniest nod. He couldn’t be serious. Allow Kinsley to keep Melissa company during Keith’s transition? What about her school work? What would she do if Melissa got sick? What if—? Charley stopped. This was exactly the opportunity she and Jason had been looking for this morning, and she was dangerously close to... What had Kinsley called it? Getting whacked out of shape.
Remember the truth.
Kinsley’s voice this time and the words brought comfort.
Charley scrambled to her feet and motioned to her husband and daughter. “Guys, could you come with me for just a second?”
“Yeah.” Kinsley’s answer was a tired sigh. She followed her parents out into the hall and leaned against the wall. “What’s up?”
Charley studied the signs of stress on her daughter’s face. She had the means to fix it. Did she have the courage? “Were you paying attention to what Keith just said about his job?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“How would you like to be part of the solution to his problem?” Jason asked.
Kinsley frowned. “Solution how?”
“By staying with Melissa while Keith deals with the details of his new job. Dad and I discussed it this morning, and we both agree that you need some extra time with Melissa. This seems like a perfect opportunity.”
Kinsley looked from one to the other. “Really?”
“There are logistics to work out,” Jason said.
“Schoolwork and travel.” Charley continued. “We’d need to decide if it would be best for you to travel back and forth when Keith did, or just stay here until his job smoothed out.”
“I’ll travel back and forth.”
Charley put an arm around Kinsley’s shoulder and gave a light squeeze. “I didn’t think you could give up Emma and Piper for months at a time.”
Kinsley pulled away. “Not them, you guys. I’d miss you too much if I stayed away so long.” Kinsley grabbed her mother in a hug. “I know this is really hard for you. Thanks.”
“Oh, baby, I love you.”
“I love you too, more than you will ever know.” She took each parent by a hand and pulled them back into the waiting room. Keith was pacing again, and Kinsley put herself into his path. “What if I stayed with Melissa?”
Keith stared at her, clearly dumbfounded. He looked from Charley to Jason. “Seriously?”
“I think it could be arranged.” Charley said.
“Once we get home we’ll look into online classes,” Jason explained. “Just let us know when you need to travel again, and we’ll put Kinsley on a parentally sanctioned flight back to Houston.”
“Will that work for you?” Charley asked.
“Absolutely. I’m...speechless at your generosity.”
A throat clearing in the doorway drew everyone’s attention to the nurse standing there.
“It’s a little past the top of the hour. I didn’t want you to miss your visit.”
“Go on back,” Keith told Kinsley. “I need to talk to your parents.”
Kinsley followed the nurse out the door. “How is she this morning?”
The nurse’s response was lost as they disappeared down the hallway.
Keith sat, leaned forward in his chair, and clasped his hands between his knees. He stared from Charley to Jason and back. “After all...” He stopped and cleared his throat. “After all the grief I put you guys through, you’d do this for us...for me? I don’t understand.”
Charley cocked her head, her words coming slowly as she worked it out for herself. “I’m never going to say you were right in what you did, but I’m big enough to admit that I haven’t handled the situation as well as I should have either. Regardless of what any of us might wish, we all have a new reality, and Kinsley is the common denominator. We can pull her apart, or we can present a united front. That isn’t easy for me, but I’m praying for the strength and wisdom I need to put my daughter’s welfare ahead of my own.”
Charley paused when Keith swiped at his bloodshot eyes. “Allowing Kinsley to be with Melissa when you can’t be isn’t just the right thing for my daughter. It’s the Christian thing.”
Keith’s voice was hoarse when he spoke. “I’ve watched Melissa fight this whole battle while clinging to a belief I couldn’t share. Now you guys...” His Adam’s apple bobbed when he swallowed. “I wish I could wrap my head around that kind of faith.”
Jason reached for the Gideon Bible lying on the small table next to his chair. “Maybe I can help you with that. I figure Melissa’s already shared some of these verses, but I’ve got a feeling that if you’ll read them again and filter them through the answered prayers of the last couple of weeks, you might see them in a different light.” He crossed the room and sat next to Keith on the vinyl sofa.
Charley stood as well. “I’ll leave you two alone. I’ll intercept Kinsley once she’s done with her visit, and we’ll meet you downstairs.”
When Charley walked out of the hospital sixty minutes later, her hands linking her with Jason and Kinsley, contentment with her small family...and her decisions...filled her. Her time without Kinsley would be a daily struggle in learning to trust, but she could do it. She wouldn’t ever understand the complexity of God’s plan, but she was finally on the road to finding peace with His ways.