1. Dusting is something you only do if you don’t yet realize that dust is a lie perpetuated by the feather industry to make us believe rubbing dead goose wings on our furniture will make them clean. Guess what, feather industry? Furniture is like a cat. It basically cleans itself.
2. Likewise, a shower is a self-contained germ vacuum, and only requires an occasional light rinsing or heavy spitting on. I mean, have you ever heard of someone actually cleaning their shower when they’re in there basically every day with shampoos and conditioners and shaving creams? I don’t think so.
3. It’s only really necessary to clean your bathroom once over the course of a year, because, think about it, the cave people didn’t clean their bathrooms at all. They just shit outside. And they could kill, like, whole mastadons. Not cleaning the bathroom made them stronger.
4. A window basically half-belongs to the person on the other side of it, which means you only have to clean windows half as often as you think you should, and the rest of the time is someone else’s problem.
5. Sweeping the floors and/or mopping is unnecessary if you wear the right kind of socks.
6. If you can’t see the mess, it doesn’t exist, which is why baby Jesus invented shag carpeting, closets, and the space between couch cushions.
7. Clothes can be reworn as often as the wearer can stand his own stink, which means laundry is basically always optional as long as you can convince yourself the smell of your own waste is less offensive than the idea of walking to the nearest washing facility.
8. If you leave the garbage sitting in one spot long enough, it’ll eventually be able to take itself out.
9. All dishes are like cast-iron skillets: if you don’t wash them, each use adds a new layer of delicious seasoning to your next meal.
10. Don’t listen to what the “experts” tell you. Sponges last forever.